No.249 : We Are Still Here (2015)

We Are Still Here at the IMDb

It’s winter 1979 and a middle age couple are heading towards their new Massachusetts home. We learn that they have recently lost their only son and the house, that they have bought cheaply, represents a new start. We know from the off that the house is a bit creepy and very beige, but the early signs of trouble are the usual false starts like a ball bouncing down the stairs and a broken photo frame.

They are soon greeted by a pair of neighbours with the man, Dave, strangely saying the house has not had fresh souls for 30 years while his wife presses a note into the woman’s hand telling her to get out of the house - she was unaware that her curtains were that bad.

They get around to unpacking and doing up the house but the sense of unease continues until an electrician, brought in to investigate a over hot basement, gets fried for his trouble. The suggested terror motif is quickly dispatched as he is confronted and Cajun cooked by some smoky figures with bright eyes. The couple aren’t put off - possibly because they got out of paying the electrician’s bill - but invite over a couple of relatives and their son and his girlfriend to visit.

The couple who are written off as ‘hippies’ have experience of the supernatural and the hope is that they can cleanse the house of the evil spirits and presumably the Kentucky fried electrician in the basement. The two couples head off to the local restaurant where they are made about as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool by the locals who know the secrets of the house, I'll be bound! Meanwhile the son and his girlfriend let themselves into the empty house and pay for pilfering the Scotch by being carved up by the evil house dwellers. This pair are effectively fodder as the monsters tidy up after themselves and these atrocities are left unknown to our heroes who assume they’ve just been stood up. Nice that the monsters were keen to keep their security deposit intact!

The hippy couple start their efforts to clear the house of the unwelcome visitors but they are about as effective as a fart against a tornado. Whilst the man hippy is eating his sock and poking himself in the eye the townsfolk decide to take matters into their own hands - if our heroes escape the evil in the house will descend on the town, so they head over to help the cinder people - huge mistake. Who will survive? And why didn’t they just burn the house down years ago rather than let it kill a bunch of folk every 30 years?

I liked this haunted house horror despite it’s threadbare plot and OTT violence. The 1970’s setting was well realised with the leads sporting no end of stylish turtle necks and double knits. The actors did a decent job as looking shocked a lot and no one was scared of getting their hands dirty, as more claret was spilled than in a winery explosion.

The premise was a bit weak with the burned bodies of a wronged family showing up every 30 years in need of a fresh family to feast on. There was no reason offered for this timescale or what they were after - nourishment? revenge? A straight to DVD horror? Who knows?

The twin baddies of the monsters and the compliant townsfolk were well done, although it was more for laughs at the end when the locals showed up to help and ended up as the main course themselves. The crackling and smoking family of basement dwellers were well done and exuded some real menace.

The ending was pretty satisfying and I liked the end credits sequence that featured a lot of local newspapers recounting the horrors that had occurred over the life of the house.

I don’t think this film was particularly scary but there were plenty of gruesome kills and a nice air of unease throughout. Definitely one to check out.

Best Bit : ‘We’ll help…aaarrrrghh!’
‘W’ rating 19/23

No.248 : We Are Monster (2014)

We Are Monster at the IMDb

Uplifting family fun now as we enjoy a knockabout British romp set in a young offenders institution. Actually, scratch that - this is one of the nastiest and most depressing films you’ll ever see. It could be claimed to be a drama documentary profiling a shocking case of murder and institutional ineptitude but it’s just a horrible watch that offers nothing in the way or answers or, God forbid, entertainment.

The film opens at its inevitable conclusion with a blood soaked youth being bundled out of his cell as he stands over his bloodied victim. There is no explanation but we are then shuttled back a few weeks so that we can understand how we got here. To be honest they could have covered the ground in two minutes - mental racist kills Asian cell mate. Still if they’d went that way we wouldn’t have had the full 90 minutes of nihilistic fun and racial slurs.

The subject of the film, which is ‘based on a true story’, is Robert a self tattooed racist who has been in the system for years. He is in for threatening a call centre worker and seems off balance from the start. Before long he starts talking with himself - literally as his nasty persona takes form as himself whom only he can see. This leads to lots of scene where he is egging himself on to greater and greater feats of nastiness whilst the P.O.V.s of other prisoners show him to be talking to an empty seat.

The prison officers, who include Clem Fandango, aren’t much use and aren’t shy of a bit of casual racism themselves. They put Robert in a cell with Asian youth Zahid who is in for stealing razor blades - before long he’s going to wish he went with a beard! Zahid tried to be friendly but backs off when Robert gets more aggressive and introverted. Zahid is due to be released in a few days so resolves to keep his head down.

Robert meanwhile starts to delve into his past and tries to rationalise his situation. The film does the same with an abusive childhood and faults in the system the reason for Robert’s mental state. Some of these scenes were well done with his brown underpants wearing father beating him up as a child for wetting the bed. The film isn’t too apologist for Robert’s ultimate act but you do get the sense that they are showing him to be a victim too.

As the film moves towards its inevitable climax we are left to wonder what could have been done differently and what have we learned. Should we have watched that Adam Sandler comedy instead? Maybe!

This is an impossible film to like with its endless racist rants and unsubtle swipes at authority and society. They was an effort to explain Robert’s actions but that veered away from his own responsibility and while he was broken by the system he’s still a murdering scumbag with no redeeming features.

The film was hung on the central performance of Leeshon Alexander as Robert and he did OK with a difficult dual role. As ‘normal’ Robert he was too starey and manic and as his alter ego he was annoying and shouty. He did have difficult material to work with though, as he was spouting a lot of garbage that even the KKK would see as a tad extreme.

The closing captions of the film lay all the blame at the authorities’ door, and of course there were shortcomings, but to make apologies for the central scumbag didn’t sit right and you have to wonder about the point of the whole enterprise. The film’s vibe was hateful throughout and all I came away with was a grubby feeling for having watched the whole grim spectacle.

Best Bit - No I can’t hear you Clem Fandango
‘W’ Rating - 8/23

No.223 : Wild Horses (2015)

Wild Horses at the IMDb

 Robert Duvall wrote, directed and starred in this contemporary western and had his wife cast in the lead - so is this a showcase for his undoubted skills or a dull vanity project that merits its IMDb score of 4/10?

Duvall plays an ageing Texan rancher who bears the weight of secrets of the past. His gay son’s lover disappeared 15 years previously and a new lady Texas Ranger is keen to reopen the case. What she unearths starts other family skeletons to be rattled from the closet and something has to give.

The film opens in flashback and we’re not clear how the boy died, only that Duvall was there at the time. An undercurrent runs throughout the film that he may have been killed die to redneck intolerances to homosexuality but they seemed keen to skirt round the issue with only passing references to James Franco’s character being gay, and there weren’t any love scenes for him or discussions on his situation. It did shine through that Duvall was the screenwriter as it almost seemed like an old fashioned ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ when the film was crying out for the prejudices to be explored. Still he did duff up some homophobes in a bar, so that’s all right then.

Duvall’s wife Luciana isn’t convincing as the no-nonsense Ranger who smells a Duvall shaped rat and sets her sights on him. English clearly isn’t her first language and her delivery is one note and emotion free. She does get a couple of action scenes, including a low rent car chase, but her part is thin. Her deductions don’t always ring true, but to be fair she says hello to Duvall and straight away he has the hit men on her - not exactly the subtle approach!

Other plot threads that get exposed but not necessarily resolved include corrupt policeman who are dealing drugs with border crossing Mexicans and the paternity of their Mexican looking friend who has lived with them for years but definitely not the result of Duvall getting jiggy with the staff.

The cast was impressive but they get nothing much to do. Josh Hartnett is wasted as the second son and I find it hard to remember any meaningful scene he took part in. The usually good James Franco has nothing to work with in what should have been a good and conflicted character. He seemed nonplussed at his boyfriend disappearing and his reaction at the eventual resolution was muted at best.

I didn’t buy into the dialogue either with lots of improbably moving and articulate speeches being utter by characters who were meant to be red necks or 'good old boy' type farmhands. Duvall talks real slow, as is his way, but he lacked the gravitas and deep rooted resentment that his character was supposed to demonstrate.

Overall this was a wasted opportunity. They had a great cast and locations and a potentially interesting plot, but what was delivered was a flat and wordy borefest that I’ve largely forgotten already.

‘W’ Score - 10/23
Best Bit - Rednecks don’t read the script and start a bar fight

No.222 : Where the Heart Is (2000)

Where the Heart Is at the IMDb

This was an early starring role for the then 19 year old Natalie Portman and although she doesn’t quite pull off the full range demanded of the character she does a decent job with limited material - a bit like many of her dresses!

Natalie plays Novalee a trailer trash teenager who is pregnant to her loser boyfriend. ‘Trailer trash’ isn’t my generalisation - it’s rote large in the film from their trailer to their toothless relations and the mullets on display. Strangely Natalie has all her teeth, is well spoken (albeit in an unconvincing drawl) and lacks any visible tattoos - still it is Hollywood!

Natalie and her man, Willy Jay, set off on a road trip in his beat up car. He’s clearly buying it in instalments as it doesn’t have a floor. This minor structural defect causes Natalie to lose her shoes and sends the hapless couple to Wal-Mart where she gets some tasteful flip-flops. Things are going well until she gets her $5.55 change and we remember that she has a phobia of the digit ‘5’ - remember that for later folks as anytime number 5 is mentioned bad things happen. Actually, don’t bother remembering as it flashes up like a bingo number being called, with endless repetition.

Anyway the 5 phobia holds true and Natalie leaves the store to find her boyfriend gone and her left with her large baby bump and a few dollars. Short of inspiration and maybe because she saw ‘The Terminal’ she decides to live in the store using the stock for her camp out. The film tries to suggest she’s not robbing them blind as she writes down her purchases in a notebook but tell that to the judge - didn’t work for me and all those TVs!

In seconds of movie time the baby is born and she becomes an instant celebrity as ‘The Wall-Mart’ mum - must have been a slow news week. Her Mom shows up in the shape of Sally Field just long enough to rob her of her new found money and to come out with what must be the worst line ever uttered “They’re all pricks in California, they should call it Prickifornia’ - solid gold. It’s not all bad however as she meets nice nurse Ashley Judd and starts a friendship that will last the length of the film

Meanwhile we also follow the runaway boyfriend’s fortune as he tries to become a music star in the care of an underused Joan Cusack. Although we know the couple will cross paths down the line his plot strands seem pointless and distracting. Natalie is however doing better and learning photography from the ‘Franks and Beans’ guy out of ‘There’s Something About Mary’ and getting babysitting help from a chap called Forney who is just a friend and not a romantic interest. Really.

As Natalie stands strong against the pressures of life, with just endless homilies to keep her safe, we wonder who she’ll end up with and whether her daughter’s 5th birthday will live up to all that foreshadowing.

I didn’t mind this film but there wasn’t an awful lot to recommend it. It’s kind of a slice of life with a troubled girl makes good theme. It takes place over several years and Natalie never ages or gains weight - apart from the ‘pregnancy’ cushion being whipped out after 10 minutes. We’re meant to sympathise with her years of struggle but I never bought into that, mainly because of the jarring jumps in the narrative that sees things move at a rate that defies any emotional involvement.

The characters and situations are weak with the romantic trajectory of the two leads obvious from the off. They keep getting let down by those bad boys…wait what about those nice men who have been hanging about for so long?!

There are some decent bits and I especially like the trailer trash standard of the tornado emergency - do those doors in the ground leading to cellars ever work?

The dialogue was poor however and at times downright unbelievable - the mulleted wannabe rock star, who falls afoul of a train, came out with some lovely meaningful chat which rang so untrue it would have been better if he’d have spoken it in Klingon!

The film runs to near two hours and it outstayed its welcome long before the inevitable happy ending. Not so much ‘Where the Heart Is’ as ‘Where’s the Remote Control? There Must Be Something better On’.




Best Bit - Tornado  Alert - where's Grandma?!
'W' Score - 15/23

No.221 : We Bought a Zoo (2011)

We Bought a Zoo at the IMDb

This likeable family comedy drama tells the true tale of an American family who buy a zoo. What? It was British people and the action has been changed to make it look like Americans are the heroes? It’s U-571 all over again!

To be fair I wasn't looking for a documentary of the economics of purchasing a zoo so let’s see if it’s entertaining at least.

Matt Damon plays Benjamin who is all sad after his wife died before the action started. He is caring for his two kids, one of who is a cutie pie small girl and the other a dickish teenage boy who gets expelled from school for stealing and being a gun toting psycho in waiting.  He enlists the help of an estate agent but rather than a helpful one he gets Leon out of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ who manages to stop swearing for his short part. After literary a few houses they are bereft of hope but wait, there’s one left! - but it’s a dilapidated zoo. Let’s buy that then!

The family move in with indecent haste and start to realise the extent of their commitment. A prick of a zoo inspector, who is clearly just doing his job, tells them to fix stuff up what with all the man eating animals and all, and they also have a tiger who isn't feeling Grrrrreeaattt!

Luckily the zoo staff are all lovely apart from the bitch of a bookkeeper who is rightfully sent to Mexico for pointing out they have run out of money. Helpfully they find a few bucks the dead wife was hiding, and soon we are making progress. Minor setbacks like a bit of rain and an escaped bear hinder their progress or at least pad the running time before it is eventually time to open - will anyone show up or will McDonalds cart off the animal cast members for burgers over the credits?

I didn't really fancy this film when it was released as it looked a bit like the whole plot is divulged in the title. In truth it was but it was still enjoyable and I have to confess to a small tear in the eye when it all turned out well, which it was always going to do.

Damon is fine as the grieving father although his zoo buying antics do seem a bit out of character - still who hasn't woken up with the odd zoo or funfair in their property portfolio? Scarlett Johansson doesn't get a lot to do as the love interest keeper and although she has been de-glamourised somewhat, this served only to give the impression that her character smelled of horses.

I didn't like the annoying son whose arc was unbelievable or Angus Macfaddyen who didn't convince as the drunken Scotsman, which was quite a feat given he’s Scottish. Better were Thomas Hayden Church as the sceptical brother who eventually gets on board after deciding he likes people more than animals - probably a good idea legally speaking too, and John Michael Higgins as the evil zoo inspector who wasn't so bad really.

It would be a hard hearted reviewer who isn’t positive about this happy tale of redemption and killing tigers, so given my heart is virtually mush it’s two thumbs up from me!

Best Bit : I liked the extending tape measure best.

‘W’ Rating 17/23

No.220 - Wolfcop (2014)

Wolfcop at the IMDb

I wasn't expecting much from ‘Wolfcop’ and in that regard at least I wasn't disappointed.

It certainly does what it says on the tin in that it has a cop who is also a wolf - what surprised me was that the cop/wolf actually kept up with its law enforcement duties. Can’t fault the commitment to the job there, Officer.

Our hero is Lou, played with scuzzy understatement by Leo Fafard, who is an under-performing policeman in a small town. He’s an alcoholic and ignores various small crimes such as vandalism as he makes his way to the police station. He has his boss on his back but has an able co-worker in Tina, who wins the employee of the month prize every time.

The towns is in the midst of a mayoral election and the annual ‘Hunt and Drink’ day is coming up. Lou does as little work as possible and spends his day getting drunk with a barmaid and his loser pal. Things change however when he wakes up with a pentangle carved into his chest and he is unable to shave due to immediate hair regrowth. He scratches his hairy chin and remembers flashes of creeps in monk habits carving the pentangle on him whilst another chap is scarified.

We soon learn that the victim is a candidate for mayor giving the incumbent no challengers to returning to the office and the excuse to cancel the Hunt and Drink day which coincides with a solar eclipse which strangely happenes every 32 years. Lou does some research and learns that by having a sacrifice a group of shape shifters can regenerate for another 32 years if they drink the blood of a werewolf during the eclipse. You can't argue with science like that!

Lou confides in his friend who locks him in a cell to witness the transformation and unusually Lou, despite a wolfy appearance, decides to put on his uniform and modify his police car before going on patrol. As the full moon  and eclipse move closer Lou has to keep a watch on who are his friends and who are the shape shifters. Can the curse be broken and will Lou find redemption after years of mourning his dead father?

This is a strange sort of film - It doesn't take itself seriously and there is a lot of gore but it is also played for laughs as well as drama. Just when you think it’s going down a familiar path Lou gets out his angle grinder in full werewolf mode and starts to customise his patrol car with big ‘W’s - possibly in tribute to this blog, it isn't clear.

The shifts in tone are a bit jarring but if you are watching a film called ‘Wolfcop’ you can hardly complain. The special effects were half decent with plenty of glycerine used for the transformation scene. There are also a couple of gruesome deaths and I especially likes a skull revealing ‘face off’ moment.

At a trim 79 minutes the film doesn't outstay its welcome but by the same measure you aren't baying for more. The thin plot played out satisfactorily and the cast mostly did well with some preposterous dialogue. The exception would be the bad guy leader who had a tear tattoo and no menace whatsoever.

I'm not inclined to hunt down the sequel promised in the credits but there are worse ways of spending an hour or so on Netflix.

Best Bit : face off in the corner
‘W’ Score 15/23

No.62 : Witch Hunt (1994)

Witch Hunt at the IMDb

This 1994, made for cable company HBO, movie is a follow up to 1991’s ‘Cast A Deadly Spell’, which I haven’t seen nor intend to given its lack of a ‘W’ first initial. The scenario and characters appear to have been retained from the original although the lead, H. Phillip Lovecraft is now played by Dennis Hopper instead of Fred Ward.

The film is set in 1940’s Los Angeles in a reality where magic is common place and used by most to assist their daily lives. One exception is Hopper, whose private eye does things the old fashioned way without recourse to the supernatural. He is given a case by a Hollywood starlet who thinks her husband is playing around. When he promptly dies the woman is a suspect and our man’s brief changes to proving her innocence.

While the investigation progresses we witness a backdrop of political intrigue which sees an ambitious senator try to out law magic as ‘anti American’. Hopper manages to progress his case with the help of a licensed witch but is troubled when she’s sentenced to burn for her witchy habits. The senator clearly has skeletons in the closet but can Dennis solve the case, save the witch and avoid the zombies in time?

Although this film has the unmistakable cheap look of a TV movie I enjoyed the first half hour. The set up is a bit clumsy with the actors looking faintly embarrassed, talking about magic as if it’s a fact of life. Once you buy in there is a lot to like with some funny scenes such as the executive shrinking to the size of a doggy toy to the obvious delight of his Dobermans. I also like the witch’s spell turning into physical words as she spoke them and the idea of her retrieving great writers such as Shakespeare and Twain from the past so that they could work on some screenplays.

Things quickly deteriorated however and by the end I was looking for a spell to get my two hours back. The obvious device of substituting ‘magic’ for ‘free speech or expression’ was overdone and laborious. Why the baddie senator wasn’t simply called 'McCarthy', to be sure I don’t know. The same point was hammered home so relentlessly it got to the stage you were willing the bad guy along so that you wouldn’t be exposed to some more liberal outpourings.

Dennis Hopper is always worth watching but his part here was a sub-par Marlowe, complete with portentous voice over. You also get a happily underused Julian Sands and Eric Bogosian (Talk Radio) as the really annoying senator.

It’s a shame this film drifted off down a dull avenue named preachy liberal clap trap as the premise and set up were good. TV movies aren’t necessarily bad but I’m afraid this one certainly was.


Best Bit : Will Shakespeare fails to pep up the screenplay.
‘W’ Score : 12/23

No.60 : When Harry Met Sally... (1989)

 When Harry Met Sally at the IMDb

Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan star in this ‘he said, she said’ romantic comedy that remains the definitive title in that threadbare genre.

The film opens in 1977 with Billy and Meg sharing an 18 hour car journey across America. The trip is one of convenience as both have other partners but their relationship sparks from the off. Although Billy’s sexist and Meg’s compulsive personalities clash we the viewer know that they are a good match, even if they don’t.

The pair meet again five years later in an airport and again get along well, albeit in the form of an argument. A further five years down the line sees the couple both single and in New York and a friendship tentatively develops. Although Billy states he can’t have a woman as a friend as he’s always thinking about sleeping with her, he manages to convince himself that it’ll be different with Meg.

His pal Bruno Kirby and hers Princess Leia try to set up the pair with other people, but the tables are turned when the friends get engaged leaving Billy and Meg alone with each other. When Meg gets dumped and calls Billy for comfort the pair have sex, affecting the relationship to the point of destruction. As their friends’ wedding approaches, Billy and Meg reappraise what they mean to each other and despite some reluctance to go for it love will probably conquer all.




Although it’s a bit soppy and sentimental I quite like this film. It’s appeal is mostly down to the two leads who make a good pair and the crackling dialogue that riffs along at fantastic pace. I also like the episodic nature that jumps across time using real anecdotes of couples meeting spoken by them on a couch as bumpers. There is a nice if predictable treat in this towards the end.




The ‘will they won’t they’ dilemma was a bit overblown, especially as the answer is given away in the film’s poster. The picture obviously did well as it speaks to people about their relationships in a true and identifiable way. No doubt endless streams of couples left the cinema saying ‘that bit was just like you’. The main argument about men wanting to sleep with women rather than have them as friends was pretty obvious but I’m sure enough women would be surprised to keep it in as an educational point. The film pans out pretty much the way Billy Crystal said it would at the start, so Q.E.D. there. At least they had fun getting us there!

The famous deli demonstration still raises a smile but I preferred the Billy and Bruno scenes where they debate their own love lives at the football game or batting cages. The script by Nora Ephron was very snappy and wise and she must have had a bloke giving input - bloody traitor!

Best Bit : Billy fakes regret at shagging Meg Ryan
‘W’ Score 18/23

No.34 : Wild Rovers (1971)

Wild Rovers at the IMDb

William Holden and Ryan O’Neil star in this underseen western (Less than 400 IMDb votes!) directed by Pink Panther helmer Blake Edwards. It’s not hard to see why it hasn’t caught the imagination like some of its contemporaries as it’s a bit forgettable.

Our two heroes play a pair of cattlemen who dream of having a ranch but can’t save a dime when the booze and hookers hove into view after a long time on the plains. When a cow poke dies in a needless accident they decide to rob a bank rather than continue with their dangerous and poorly paid profession.

Rather than go down the exciting route of a traditional stick up, they decide to kidnap the bank manager’s family and get him to hand over the cash. Things go smoothly and they score $34,000, but predictably their problems are only just beginning. They are forced to double up in the saddle when a cougar takes a bite out of one of their horses and they have an extra mouth to feed in the shape of a new born puppy - awww.

After some decent haggling which swaps the puppy for a mule they set off with the posse in hot-ish pursuit - leaving trail leader Karl Malden a bit short handed, especially as some gits are open ranging sheep on their land.

The ‘Wild Rovers’ title is more relevant as the film progresses are our men try to rope some wild horses and generally rough it, but you’re never convinced that their luxury trailers are more than 50 feet away. When a town looms up on the horizon they decide to have one last blow out before heading to Mexico and their new life. If the diversion sounds like a bad idea wait until O’Neil decides to get involved in a high stakes poker game!

With the posse now close by and one of our team injured it’s anyone’s guess who, if anyone, will make the promised land.

I didn’t actively dislike this film but it doesn’t have anything to recommend it either. The two leads are usually watchable but they are given precious little to work with here. The idea of breaking away from the daily grind is a familiar one, but is tempered with the ‘crime doesn’t pay’ message. The usual life on the range clichés are trotted out and despite some stunning Monument Valley locations it has little to set it apart from 100 other films.

Holden’s wise old timer is set against O’Neil’s hot headed youth but they never really get into what you’d call conflict or great camaraderie. With the cast and locations available a great film was a definite possibility but instead we get a mediocre one, that deserves its relative anonymity.


Best Bit : Poker Shoot Out!
‘W’ Rating 12/23