No.291 : Where Hope Grows (2014)

Where Hope Grows at the IMDb

Calvin is a former baseball player who froze up when he made the big leagues and started drinking. He has issues with his daughter and a rudderless existence. Don’t worry Calvin - some redemption is in the post.

Calvin strikes up a friendship with Produce a young man with Down’s syndrome, named after the section of the supermarket in which he works. Lucky he wasn’t put in charge of panty liners. Produce is positive and knowledgeable but unable to attain his dream of being ‘Employee of the Month’. His nasty bass calls him a retard and is later chastised by Calvin who tells the black gentlemen that ‘We don’t use the ‘R’ word, the same as we don’t use the ‘N’ word’. Sounded a bit threatening to be honest.

Produce sings in a gospel choir and it was when this was revealed that the fear overtook me - is this a Christian film that I had stumbled onto by mistake? At first it wasn’t overly overt but after an hour there was a long discussion about praying, and I realised I’d been suckered in - Hallelujah! The answer to that question was that God wasn’t a genie who granted wishes so you might not get what you want. Sounds like you’d get the same deal by not praying at all!

Anyway Calvin, inspired by Produce, manages to kick the booze and applies for a job at a local baseball team. Perils abound however, as Produce is being bullied by Calvin’s daughter’s dickish boyfriend, Colt. Colt was also a bit busy with his hands with the daughter in scenes reminiscent of an after school special, only to be told ‘My dad was right about you’ before she leaves. It does ramp up later on however, with an attempted rape at the Laser-Tag; but we were never in doubt about how the day would be saved.

Calvin manages to stay sober but his friend Milton still drinks - and drives. Remember that for later.

After the laser tag fumble a misunderstanding sends Produce away in the huff. With everyone searching who will find him and what tragedy will befall our hapless cast? Can Calvin stay sober and will Produce get the accolade he really wants?

This is the kind of film they’d show you if the Sunday School teacher was ill. There was the mildest of peril, good advice and a strong dose of Ned Flanders type vitamin church.

The redemption of Calvin was never in doubt and they went down that tired old route of learning from an innocent. In that role David DeSanctis did well although the whole thing was just a bit too nice and twee for my liking.

I didn’t like Calvin much who seemed a bit of a dick berating the manager over his choice of ‘Employee of the Month’ - yeah you know best you pisshead! The climatic fallout was poorly managed, especially by the daughter who says ‘Produce hit Colt and it’s bad’ rather than ‘Colt tried to rape me and Produce decked him’ which would have prevented any issues.

The closing scenes, where we’re led to believe one character had died before the big reveal that it was another were laughable - if anyone bought that I have some magic beans available at a reasonable price.

Not one for me, but if you like some feel good stuff and a dose of Godliness this could be for you.

Best Bit : There‘s been a rape up there!   ‘W’ Rating 12/23

No.256 : Words and Pictures (2013)

Words and Pictures at the IMDb

Clive Owen and Juliette Binoche star as rival teachers trying to prove which of words (language) or pictures (art) is best. If that sounds a bit of a pointless endeavour you’ll not be surprised to learn that the film is too.

Owen plays Jack, that tired old cliché of a character of the great writer who hasn’t written anything worthwhile in years who takes a teaching job to finance his creeping alcoholism. Binoche plays a totally different character, a great painter who hasn’t painted anything worthwhile for years due to her creeping arthritis who takes on a teaching job.

The pair teach at a school for precocious teenagers who can’t act. Clive’s lessons are like something out of ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ with the kids all admiring and fancying him in equal measure despite his contempt for the job and his fat and unshaven appearance. Binoche limps when she remembers to do so and has a stick, but a steely determination to help her pupils - they’re the original odd couple!

Owen takes a shine to Juliette and soon engages her in his tiresome ‘how many syllables’ game to which she rightly tells him to piss off. Owen isn’t discouraged however and tries to woo the stuffy artist while juggling with a career crisis and a distant son who is embarrassed about pissed old Dad.

During one of Owen’s unstructured classes a debate arises over the phrase ‘a picture paints a thousand words’ to which he argues that words can supply the details and emotion that a picture cannot. When Binoche’s art class hear of this they are outraged; surely a good picture can convey a lot more than pages of a book? This not very interesting argument captivates the school and a big showdown is planned for the end of the term/film.

Meanwhile Owen is up for dismissal for being pissed all the time and for not offering the school any published works to raise their profile. He wisely chooses to steal his son’s best poem for himself and sets off to get drunk to celebrate. Elsewhere Binoche is trying out new ways to make a mess by dropping paint onto canvas using different methods.

For reasons not clear Owen manages to get Binoche into bed before spoiling it all by getting drunk and wrecking her new ‘masterpiece’ a big red and blue splodge that frankly looked better once Clive had his way with it.

With his career and relationships all pissed against a wall Clive decides to try Alcoholics Anonymous and start afresh with Binoche and his son. But will it be too little too late and with the ‘Words and Pictures’ showdown coming up can he win the day for words? C’mon words!

The premise of this film was a bit like the Hugh Grant vehicle ‘Music and Lyrics’ and when I say Grant’s film was more enjoyable you’ll understand what a clunker ‘Words and Pictures’ is.

The main issue is the central relationship which has no spark whatsoever. Binoche, lovely as she is, cannot act while speaking English and Clive Owen didn’t seem to believe in either his wooing or his madcap fervour for words over pictures. You are probably thinking ‘can’t we have both?’ - well don’t as that will spoil the ending!

Some of the arguments were quite interesting but they were articulated by some of the worst teen actors you will ever see and they look like winners of an essay writing contest reading their work on screen. There is a lamentable subplot about an Asian girl with self worth issues but that was ghastly and predictably resolved. Don’t even ask about Owen’s woes with his prissy son - awful!

So what we have is a no rom, rom-com with no com either. You’d think in a high school there would be some chemistry - I blame the cuts.

Words and pictures? If they are presented like this I’ll have neither please!

Best Bit _ Owen does some redecorating.
‘W’ Rating 7/23

No.220 - Wolfcop (2014)

Wolfcop at the IMDb

I wasn't expecting much from ‘Wolfcop’ and in that regard at least I wasn't disappointed.

It certainly does what it says on the tin in that it has a cop who is also a wolf - what surprised me was that the cop/wolf actually kept up with its law enforcement duties. Can’t fault the commitment to the job there, Officer.

Our hero is Lou, played with scuzzy understatement by Leo Fafard, who is an under-performing policeman in a small town. He’s an alcoholic and ignores various small crimes such as vandalism as he makes his way to the police station. He has his boss on his back but has an able co-worker in Tina, who wins the employee of the month prize every time.

The towns is in the midst of a mayoral election and the annual ‘Hunt and Drink’ day is coming up. Lou does as little work as possible and spends his day getting drunk with a barmaid and his loser pal. Things change however when he wakes up with a pentangle carved into his chest and he is unable to shave due to immediate hair regrowth. He scratches his hairy chin and remembers flashes of creeps in monk habits carving the pentangle on him whilst another chap is scarified.

We soon learn that the victim is a candidate for mayor giving the incumbent no challengers to returning to the office and the excuse to cancel the Hunt and Drink day which coincides with a solar eclipse which strangely happenes every 32 years. Lou does some research and learns that by having a sacrifice a group of shape shifters can regenerate for another 32 years if they drink the blood of a werewolf during the eclipse. You can't argue with science like that!

Lou confides in his friend who locks him in a cell to witness the transformation and unusually Lou, despite a wolfy appearance, decides to put on his uniform and modify his police car before going on patrol. As the full moon  and eclipse move closer Lou has to keep a watch on who are his friends and who are the shape shifters. Can the curse be broken and will Lou find redemption after years of mourning his dead father?

This is a strange sort of film - It doesn't take itself seriously and there is a lot of gore but it is also played for laughs as well as drama. Just when you think it’s going down a familiar path Lou gets out his angle grinder in full werewolf mode and starts to customise his patrol car with big ‘W’s - possibly in tribute to this blog, it isn't clear.

The shifts in tone are a bit jarring but if you are watching a film called ‘Wolfcop’ you can hardly complain. The special effects were half decent with plenty of glycerine used for the transformation scene. There are also a couple of gruesome deaths and I especially likes a skull revealing ‘face off’ moment.

At a trim 79 minutes the film doesn't outstay its welcome but by the same measure you aren't baying for more. The thin plot played out satisfactorily and the cast mostly did well with some preposterous dialogue. The exception would be the bad guy leader who had a tear tattoo and no menace whatsoever.

I'm not inclined to hunt down the sequel promised in the credits but there are worse ways of spending an hour or so on Netflix.

Best Bit : face off in the corner
‘W’ Score 15/23