No. 359 : Wild Men (2021)

 

Wild Men at the IMDb

 This subtitled Danish film was offered up to me on the BBC iPlayer and I was glad that I gave it a go. Most Scandinavian films involve murders and detective work in the dark, but this was mostly good fun and it had a strong heart.

The film opens with a large man dressed in animal skins attempting to shoot a goat with his homemade bow and arrow. He fails to nail his quarry and ends up having to settle for a toad instead, which causes him to be sick. He’s obviously a novice at the outdoor life and he soon heads to a petrol station/grocery store where his lack of money leads to him fighting with the staff and making off with a basket of shopping.

Meanwhile three more urban young men come a cropper when they hit an elk in the road and crash. There is seemingly only one survivor, and he staggers off with their large holdall of money. He soon stumbles into the path of our fur clad hero Martin, who manages to carry out some pretty decent first aid, including some stitches on a nasty leg gash.

Elsewhere the police are looking into Martin’s shop heist and into the crashed car, which now has no bodies, unless you count the elk hanging out of the front, which I do.

Two hapless policemen find the injured bagman but Martin decides to help his new friend and handcuffs the two cops together. The bagman, whose name is Musa, convinces Martin that they should head to an idyllic village where people live as Vikings did, off the land. As they set off on their quest a jaded police chief ramps up the investigation and Musa’s erstwhile colleagues set about recovering their cash. Who will achieve their goal? – and is it one that is worth having?

I quite enjoyed this film which was for the most part a gentle comedy, but one laced with a bit of gore, torture and some killings. The central theme was one of isolation and of people struggling with the modern world.

We didn’t get a lot of backstory to Martin’s plight but we know his life in the woods amounted to only ten days when we first encounter him. His seemingly long-suffering wife and his two daughters – and their rabbit! -set off from Denmark to find him in the Norwegian forests and, to be fair, she does a lot better than the cops!

The ‘tired of life’ policeman was a bit of a cliché but I liked his curmudgeonly attitude, and he got a fitting end, something akin to that of Mike in ‘Breaking Bad’. There was some commentary on immigration and the dilution of traditional values – some of it deliberate, such as the monetised Viking village and some of it less so with the drugs trade seemingly following the incomers. This slant was tempered by the Martin/Musa relationship which ended on a positive note.

I don’t think I learned much here – certainly nothing about surviving outdoors! – but it was a warm good-natured film that offered some social commentary and a few laughs along the way.

Best Bit - Viking Village Visit

W Rating 15/23

No. 353 : World Trade Center (2006)

World Trade Center (2006) at the IMDb

 

 * I watched this film and wrote a review for my new Michael Shannon Blog 'Michael Shannon and On and On' which will debut sometime soon. Check back here later and I'll link it when it goes live. It would be a disservice to my one follower to not add a review here on the W movies blog, so I have adapted it for this audience with the more Shannon-centric comments removed.

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Five years after the devastating events of 9/11 director Oliver Stone assembled a star studded cast to try and tell some of the stories behind the disaster. It would be churlish to criticise it too much as it is well intentioned and celebrates worthy people, but you may find it a bit mawkish and sentimental.

The film centres on Nicholas Cage’s Port Authority cop John. After the attacks take place – mostly off camera; we see only a shadow of a hijacked plane – Cage is sent down to the site to assist in the rescue effort. He comes over as a bit cautious and fusses about looking for equipment as the towers burn and fall. I’m not sure what was being conveyed here – was he playing it safe and by the book or was he fearful of walking in to near certain death? His choices are quickly made for him however, when a tower collapses and he and his men dive into a lift entrance that quickly collapses. Most of the men are killed immediately, with another shooting himself in what I trust was a true incident, as it seemed a bit unconvincing in the film.

Cage and his colleague Michael Pena survive, but both are trapped by their legs. The remainder of the film documents their bid to survive as they comfort and cajole each other to stay awake and listen out for a rescue. As they do so we enter their minds and see flashbacks of better times. They also have visions of Jesus and imagined conversations with their wives. These scenes took me out of the moment somewhat and although they may be accurate to the men involved, it just seemed daft when a vision of Jesus came down to offer salvation. At least he brought a bottle of heavenly water with him.

Whilst our guys struggle with their predicament, the film intercuts with real life events, with stock footage from the day interwoven with scenes of the wives and family back home awaiting to hear of their men’s fate. The women in this film are poorly served with Pena’s partner, a pregnant Maggie Gyllenhaal, being annoying throughout and Cage’s Maria Bello having weird eyes. IMDb says her eyes were colourised for the film and it is poorly done and distracting.

We also get a couple of side stories with Michael Shannon's ex-marine accountant going back to the good fight and Frank Whaley's alcoholic character putting a plug in the jug so that he can offer medical assistance to the injured.

The trapped men are located and, after some digging and more bonding, both are eventually freed from their tomb. We then jump forward two years to see that they have done well in their rehabilitation with baby naming and marital difficulties seemingly resolved.

The films does well not to ponder on the political aspects of the events and focuses more on individual stories. This gives the production some heart, but it also makes it feel somewhat unsubstantial when it covers world changing events. The performances are mixed with a lot of shouting and screaming taking the place of real acting. Your sympathies lie with Cage and Pena from the start and the outcome was never really in doubt. The backstories and family dramas were decent but I didn’t like the wives much and some of the dialogue was too on the nose to be believable.

Overall I’d give the film a pass as it deals with tragic and emotional material well, but I never truly bought into the characters we were offered and their annoying families only served to distance me from the heart of the story. There was a lot to cover in a two hour film and I think ultimately it was a worthy but unsatisfying effort.

Best Bit : The building collapse was well realised and the sets were excellent.

'W' Rating 15/23

No. 352 : Willy's Wonderland (2021)

 

Willy's Wonderland at the IMDb

I found this soon to be cult classic on Amazon Prime and have to say that, despite myself, I actually quite enjoyed it. The film stars Nicholas Cage and appears to be from his ‘filmed in an afternoon to pay the tax bill’ phase. Its budget is listed as a lowly $5m and it was sponsored by the Malaysian film industry to the tune of 30%, which is confirmed by the credits list that suggest most of the post production was carried out overseas.

With a foreign backer to appease the film took the bold decision to have its star have literally no lines of dialogue whatsoever - I imagine that saved plenty on the dubbing costs alone. Apart from a few grunts Cage has nothing to say at all, and if the intention was ‘mysterious’ it came across as ‘constipated’.

Cage plays ’The Janitor’ a drifter, who for unexplained reasons, has a high end sports car. He drives through a small town when he hits a spike trap on the road causing a low end come to a stop - no budget for a big smash here. We quickly learn that this is small town movie cliché number one, with corrupt officials and police putting their well used plan into action. Cage doesn’t have the money for car repairs but a local businessman makes him a strange offer - clean up the abandoned fun house overnight and the $1000 repairs will be covered. Sounds like a good deal? HUGE mistake.

Whilst Cage gets his mops and brushes organised, we have a side plot with a bunch of high school kids who are plotting to burn down the titular fun house. These are your typical teen slasher fodder and I don’t think a single one registered with me. 

Despite having no lines, Cage does show character depth - he drinks a can of energy drink every hour and plays pinball, even when fighting off a hoard of rampaging animatronic characters. Yes, the fun house is inhabited by 8 mascots all of whom have murderous intent. In a large info dump from the sheriff, we learn that the fun house was owned and staffed by a bunch of child killers. When the game was up they carried out a ritual suicide which caused their spirits to inhabit the mechanical fun house hosts, like you do.

The robots were the best bit of the film with a good mix of creepy and exaggerated clown features with various animals and creatures depicted like a crocodile, woodland nymph and the titular Willy the stoat himself. As you’d expect the bad guys gamely line up for individual battle with Cage whilst their contemporaries take out the kids. We learn that the townsfolk lure in strangers to appease the bad guy spirits, lest they once again return to the town to seek their prey there. They should have called Cage in the first place, because as The Janitor, he quickly cleans house.

I was setting up to dislike this film. The opening has a lot of fast edits and has a washed out sepia tone. The gimmick of having Cage not speaking quickly wears thin and there are a lot of awkward scenes were a line of dialogue would move things on, whereas we get Cage looking awkwardly for a way out instead. His character and motivation are wafer thin but the fight scenes are decent and brutal with no time wasted with complicated explanations or justifications. The teens could have been wearing t-shirts marked ‘Fodder’ and their fates would have been no less obvious. Down the cast you’ll recognise no one apart from the lady sheriff who has a few decent credits, but was trying too hard to channel Darlene out of ‘Ozark’ to be effective here.

Overall this was a throwaway piece of nonsense that had just enough to keep me interested. The violence is fun and extreme and it demands nothing in terms of your attention or powers of deduction. The animatronics were well realised although it was clear that it was people in costumes for the fights and they weren’t as tough as invulnerable as the locals would have you believe. Guess you just need to hire the right janitor to take out the trash!

Best Bit : Need a new t-shirt

'W' Rating 15/23

No.343 : What We Wanted (2020)

 

What We Wanted at the IMDb

Time for another session of Alan Partridge’s ‘Problem People’ as we spend 90 minutes in the company of Austrian couple Alice and Niklas. As we meet them they are receiving bad news from their fertility clinic. Their fourth and final state sponsored session of treatment has failed and they have to face the prospect of remaining childless.

Their therapist suggests a trip away to recharge their batteries and so they set off for Sardinia, despite being in the midst of a large building project at their home. Their prickly chat over directions suggest all is not well and their fully loaded credit cards imply they have money issues also.

They arrive at the Italian resort, but their quiet time is quickly interrupted by an Irish family and their screaming daughter and emo son. They try to move apartments but politeness means they stay and slowly get to know their neighbours - and experience the highs and lows of having children.

The young daughter speaks stark truths through her innocence and the son’s issues make our couple wonder if kids are worth the trouble. The Irish man isn’t shy about flaunting his wealth and his younger wife spouts a lot of horoscope nonsense which hits surprisingly close to home.

All the while our couples’ relationship is crumbling and home truths and long buried resentments are aired in private and soon in public. Will a potential tragedy show them the error of their ways or are they conditioned to accept their miserable and emotion free existence?

This film wasn’t as grim as my summary suggests, but it’s certainly one to watch with your partner unless you want to be examined over every remark and action in your last 20 years. The lead couple are good independently of each other but I didn’t think they were a great match. They were like an Austrian (actually German) Tilda Swinton and Mark Ruffalo and they didn’t seem to have much of a spark. I guess that was the point given their floundering relationship, with the partnership seeming somewhat uneven.

Small snippets of their past are peppered throughout and although the big revelation wasn’t a total surprise, at least it had been earned given what had gone before. The little girl, Denise, was a real cutie and she was a good device for getting to the heart of things that the adults would skip around. The sub plot with the overbearing Dad and emo son was less well developed and the impact of the big finale was a bit underwhelming.

It was nice to spend 90 minutes in sunny Italy in the company of some good looking people - it was just a pity they were all a bit needy and didn’t leave their troubles at home. There was a lot of metaphor and symbolism flying around and I’m sure a lot of big points were being made, but for the most part it did look a lot like privileged people having a hard time of their own making.

Best Bit : Pool Night  ‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No.329 : Welcome to New York (2014)

 

Welcome to New York at the IMDb

You know that when a film opens with captions and the lead actor talking about how the following is a work of fiction, that it has probably encountered legal difficulties. Having seen the film, it’s not hard to see why, with the events depicted following closely those of the Dominique Strauss-Khan affair when he, whilst head of the IMF, was accused of raping a hotel chambermaid.

Gerard De-pa-du stars as a totally different character, a French politician called Devereaux. He is a fat and sleazy individual who spends the first half hour of the film grabbing and sniffing a stream of prostitutes in his luxury New York hotel suite. He clearly has no respect for women and this leads to him grabbing a chambermaid when she has the misfortune of chancing upon him as he exits the shower.

He knows he has done wrong and immediately heads to the airport. The maid has however went to the police and Gerard is pulled off his plane and put into jail. We see him processed through the system, including a ‘burn my eyes please’ strip search, and then his trial begins.

He has a rich wife in the shape of Jacqueline Bisset who pays his $1m bail and $60k rent on the house he is confined to during his trail. With teams of lawyers looking to discredit the victim, will he get off and will he mend his ways?

Directed by ‘Bad Lieutenant’ helmer Abel Ferrara this was never going to be an easy watch and it certainly delivered on that front. It was a brave performance by the morbidly obese Depardieu who wasn’t shy in showing all - must have been nice for him to see his willy again at least! He did get lots of scenes pawing at prostitutes and these were unsettling rather than erotic as his letchy hands and massive belly dominated the screen.

I could see why Strauss-Khan’s lawyers objected to the film as it’s clearly about him, with the same townhouse used as he rented during his trial, but they make it explicit that the character was guilty of the assault and got off due to backhanded tactics, whereas Strauss-Khan was acquitted - although he did reach a settlement with the claimant in her civil case.

The film fell between two stools in that it was not a documentary but it also wasn’t a work of fiction. They can speculate what happened but it did seem unfair to ride roughshod over one person’s rights whilst championing those of another. 

There were large sections of the film in French with no subtitles offered on my copy. I don’t know if that was a deliberate ploy to make some of the evidence uncertain or just to hide some of the slander.

The opening sections with the debauched life style and the middle sections in the jail were good, but the trail and outcome seemed rushed and skimmed over. Some old archive footage of a verdict was shown and I take it this was from the original case. It did cement the idea that the real case and the one shown here were one and the same, with both leaving questions unanswered.

This is not what you’d term ‘light entertainment’ but there were some strong and compelling scenes and excellent performances all round. Overall however it was a bit of a misfire, with me knowing less about the real case having watched this dramatization of it.

Best Bit : Gerard Has a Night In ‘W’ Rating 15/23

No.318 : What’s Your Number? (2011)

What's Your Number? at the IMDb

‘Chick Flick’ is such a pejorative term - surely a film can be about the issues women face in modern society and not be tarnished with a brush that says it’s a vapid and nonsensical foray into female wish fulfilment? This chick flick stars Anna Faris and is really terrible, but you will get yourself a few guilty laughs as well as seeing the lead jump around in her underwear if you sign up.

Anna plays ‘Ally’ a 30 something single girl in Boston who works in marketing and likes to make models of people as a hobby. She lives across the hall from womaniser Chris Evans, and there is no way at all that they will get together. Anna’s sister is due to be married and Anna decides to take stock of her life. She has just lost her job, having been sacked by finger smelling Joel McHale who stretches himself in the role of 'douche bag boss' - See ‘Ted’ for the same.

Anna reads a magazine article that says the average woman has slept with 10.5 men, with Anna’s tally amounting to 19. A friend tells her that women who have slept with 20 never get married due to their lack of commitment and because they are big sluts. She decides that her next lover will be her last, but this resolve doesn’t last the night when she wakes up having slept with McHale. He is dumped due to the previously mentioned finger smelling, and Anna decodes that she’ll have to find her life partner amongst the 19 other guys she has slept with.

She enlists the help of Evans who agrees to help her with the tracing of the men in exchange for Anna allowing him to use her apartment to hide from women he is avoiding. Anna then works through the list, with all previous boyfriends coming up short - but what about Evans? He’s nice and the two are getting closer whilst working on the ridiculous project of stalking men.

With Anna’s sister’s wedding coming up will she find her true love?

Tuesday following Monday offers more surprises than this rom-com, but I guess if you have the girls round and a crate of Prosecco on hand you won’t complain. The unlikely nature of the quest did allow for a few funny cameos with Chris Pratt and Tim from 'The Office' both livening up proceedings. You also got Falcon off ‘The Avengers’ who turned out to be gay, just as he was in ‘Black Mirror’ and Ed Begley Jnr as the estranged Dad who showed up in time to hand out some sage advice.

As soon as Evans appeared without his shirt on you knew he was the one and when we saw Anna tart her self up before her latest lover woke up we knew she has self worth issues to be addressed. Her journey, as it was, was peppered with pratfalls and dirty chat which would no doubt entertain the target audience. I thought it was a bit light, but as frothy throwaway fun with plenty of famous faces, it was worth the 2 hour’s of commitment that it demanded.

Faris was pretty much her usual self but looked good in her boy pants and didn’t mind the plenty of jibes that her slutty character rightly received. There wasn’t much in the way of moral judgement here, with the only redemption being to believe in oneself and to get off with the even sluttier neighbour because he believes in you.

Not one you’ll remember tomorrow but decent fun, with pretty people all having a good time.

Best Bit : basketball Play Off  ‘W’ Rating 15/23

No.279 : Whatever It Takes (2000)

Whatever It Takes at the IMDb

Back to school now for a look at this formulaic but still fun high school film that sees early outings from Jesse Pinkman and James Franco. If you have seen any film where the prom is a feature of the finale you’ll have pretty much seen this, especially if you are a student of Cyrano De Bergerac and the all-time classic ‘Pretty in Pink’.

Our hero is Ryan, a nerdy accordion player who is starting to outgrow his dweebish friends including Pinkman, doing a poor man’s Jeff Spicoli, and Tom Hanks’ son. He lives next door to Maggie and the two talk across their unfeasibly close balconies. From the first scene you know that they will end up together, but we’ve got 90 minutes to fill so let’s have them as just good friends for now.

Ryan fancies the high school sweetheart in the shape of the unobtainable Ashley, whilst high school jock Franco likes Maggie. With both men having no chance of landing their chosen babe they hatch a plan to help each other pimp out their friend so that some stranger can get his hole. Lovely.

There are some slim slide plots including Pinkman’s quest for a bit of a statue and a funny and sadistic games teacher played by that guy off ‘The West Wing’ who throws baseballs at the kids and tells them to “Walk it off”. Grrr hope he gets his comeuppance!

The sordid plan goes well but Ryan soon realises the hot girl isn’t all that. She has a hairy back and scabby feet. Seems nice enough though, until she disparages a midget at a carnival and pukes up, so she deserves all she gets. Meanwhile Ryan is feeding Franco lines so that he can make some headway with Maggie.

This involves the world’s oldest computer and a scene ripped off, fully intact from ‘Roxanne’, but soon we’re off to the prom. Who will end up with whom and will the mildly bad people get a fitting finale? Of course!

This was mild ‘12’ certificate fun but there was enough subversive humour to keep me entertained. Most of it was due to Pinkman in his first role, who has most of the best lines and, it looked like, the most fun. The lead is a bit dull and the hottest girl in school wasn’t all that - the blossoming next door neighbour looked a better bet from the start.

It was hard to care about a load of white privileged kids having their fancy prom but there were enough laughs to keep me invested. Not subtle stuff you understand but when the old woman farted when getting lifted to the toilet I did smirk. I’m not proud.

The cast was largely good and I enjoyed seeing several familiar faces including Champ Kind sporting the last traces of his hair.

The values espoused were dubious at best but love won out in the end and all the bad people got humiliated in public so that’s all right then. I don’t think Ryan earned his happy ending as he was a right prick throughout but when you mix a formula you have to stick to the recipe!


Best Bit :Prom over a swimming pool - what can go wrong?    ‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No.276 : Willed to Kill (2012)

Willed to Kill at the IMDb

Let’s up the ante now with this TV movie from 2013 - you get great pickings on the Sony Movie Channel!

Canada doubles for Boston in this 2013 whoisit thriller starring Sarah Jane Morris and a load of other folk you haven’t heard of but maybe vaguely recognise from other low rent offerings.

Sarah Jane is ‘Karyn’ and unfeasibly attractive homicide detective with more baggage than the carousel at Glasgow airport. Her Dad was a serial killer and that makes her really focused on catching serial killers. Can’t beat that for motivation. We open with her blowing one away in the midst of his manikin dinner party - she might have waited for the After Eights to be served. This his her third kill and technically makes her a serial killer. Her boss, who is a terrible actor, tells her to calm down, she’s got 24 hours, no place for mavericks on his force - the full cliché bargain bucket.

Karyn is concerned that two recent murders bear the hallmarks of ’The Hades Killer’ a mass murdered who claimed nine kills in six months before disappearing. Her own father was a suspect but he was too busy killing other folk, so it wan’t him.

Karyn is labelled ‘Dirty Harriet’ by her colleagues and her slimy partner who also used to be her fiancé. She’s made to take psych sessions as a result of all her killing but the Hades bodies keep racking up - as does the list of suspects.

She runs down some leads and fights off a slime ball reporter as well as the meddling FBI. Soon we’re up to six suspects - basically the entire cast.

Who can it be? The second on my list!

This was a workable police procedural with a bog standard serial killer case worked though using the tried and tested clichés of the genre - keep him on the phone while we run a trace!

They did well to have multiple plausible suspects, with my top tip of the butch woman in the parking lot proving to be a red herring. The film’s ‘TV movie’ origins we made clear with low production values and a really tame sex scene that was over before it started and with those sticky sheets that keeps everything out of view.

The lead reminded me of that woman out of ‘Criminal Minds’ and she did well with a character arc that was all over the place - she basically ran around shooting or arresting everyone she encountered.

The subplot with the ex-boyfriend partner didn’t convince, even when he said his new girlfriend was pregnant and we get a sad music cue - still a chance!

The killer, who we usually saw in shadow, was poorly developed with his killing technique being shooting people in the head - Buffalo Bill this was not.

To be fair to the film it kept me guessing - guessing how the implausible plot and thin characters made it off the script and into production!

This was a decent afternoon filler with a glamorous lead, sex free sex scenes and a plot you could drive several buses through.

W Rating 15/23 Best Bit : Rooftop dance

No.271 : Worzel Gummidge (TV) (2019)

Wozrel Gummidge at the IMDb

Look out scruffy kids - you’ll be getting a new nickname at school in the new year!

I always liked the creepy Jon Pertwee adaptation of the classic children’s books featuring the lively scarecrow, so I was interested to see were this reboot would go. Overall it was a good effort, but some elements had been sanitised and a few modern issues had been added in, in a not so subtle manner.

I’ve only seen the first episode which aired on Boxing Day 2019 with one more standalone story to follow. That one features Michael Palin as The Green Man, so that may be the pick of the litter.

Anyway, we open with two inner city kids heading into the countryside. We learn that they are foster children heading to a new home. It seemed a bit strange that they were travelling alone and that their new ‘parents’ weren’t exactly welcoming, but I guess twenty minutes of a social worker filling in forms and going through the house’s drawers would slow the narrative somewhat.

On the way in the boy, John, captures a scarecrow waving at him from a field on his phone - of course, his older sister Susan doesn’t believe him. On arrival they are met by grumpy foster Dad Steve Pemberton and his slightly nicer wife whom you’ll recognise off ‘Peep Show’, ‘Mid-Morning Matters’ etc. Farmer Pemberton says ‘Look what they sent us’ making us immediately wonder if he’s a big racist. Don’t worry, he’s only moaning about their weediness, meaning he’s in to child slave labour, which is seemingly OK.

The kids head off to Ten Acre Field where they encounter Worzel, played by Gareth from ‘The Office’. Worzel shouldn’t be talking to humans but he takes to the kids and lets them know he’s worried about the environment - the crops haven’t ripened as expected and the family of robins in his jacket are overdue their flight from the nest.

They establish from Aunt Sally that a key is needed to unlock the season and, after massing all of the local scarecrows, Worzel tries to save the day with the additional help of his erstwhile enemies, the crows.

This was good family fun with no real peril and a heavy handed message about saving the environment. To be honest I preferred the creepier Jon Pertwee version who was horny for Aunt Sally and who could change his turnip heads to suit his moods.

Gareth's Worzel was a bit more humble and naive and I think he could have done with being a bit more bombastic - I didn’t get the sense that scaring a crow was within his powers. The two kids were decent but didn’t really convey the wonder that a real life scarecrow would inevitably bring.

I did like the summoning of the other scarecrows and felt that this could have been developed more. Some of their designs were fun but we didn’t really meet any characters amongst them.

There was a long side quest were Worzel had to enlist the help of crows to gets some carrier bags out of a tree that was too heavy handed. As the twentieth bag was pushed by a bird into a recycling bin, even the most pissed up Christmas hangover induced viewer would be shouting ‘I get the message’ - I knew I was!

The design, music and feel of the show was reminiscent of ‘Detectorists’ which is no bad thing. I just wish they’d added a bit of edge or humour to make this more than just an educating outing for pre-teens.

Best Bit : Scarecrows Assemble!
W Rating 15/23

No.263 : Wild Honey (2017)

Wild Honey at the IMDb

Another unheralded release courtesy of Amazon Prime now - so much more variety on there than Film 4 who offer little but ancient westerns. Still more of them coming soon! This film is a bit like the movie version of Alan Partridge’s ‘Problem People’ with everyone on show with issues to spare.

Our heroine here is Gabby, a phone sex operator from Chicago whose 49 years and ample frame are at odds with her dial up persona. She has issues at home with a cheating boyfriend and financial problems that see her car repossessed in the first five minutes. She moves back in with Mom and shares here woes with Reggina, a phone sex colleague with whom she unsuccessfully cruises bars seeking male company.

Things take a turn when she gets interrupted mid filth by a caller named Martin who’d rather have a nice chat than hear any more about your clit, thanks very much. At $2 a minute he’d be better off trying wrong numbers! They soon become close and his hefty bills mean a fat pay check for Gabby - more Funyuns for her! Martin asks for a photo and after some uncharacteristic shyness Gabby sends one over. She’s quickly told that’s she’s beautiful and gets all excited about her prospects with the pervert caller. Maybe his guide dog will like her too!

With indecent haste Gabby decides to fly to L.A. to doorstep her new friend, under the guise of catching up with her sister with whom she hasn’t spoken in two years. The sister is everything gabby is not - thin, neat and successful. She also has a pregnant assistant Greta who is charged with taking Gabby about town. Gabby gets dropped off at the park where Martin, a successful screen writer, has told her he sometimes works. Inevitably the two meet up and enjoy a blissful day of smoking dope, visiting the theatre and eating in a pretentious restaurant.

Gabby stays the night but is awoken the next morning when Martin’s brother shows up - it seems that Martin doesn’t own the house after all and the screen writer is his brother, not him. Shocked by his sudden loss of wealth Gabby flounces off. Meanwhile after her chats with Gabby, Greta grows a set and ditches her P.A. job with Gabby’s sister, who in turn is also breaking down, unable to keep up the façade of having a successful life.

With everything collapsing Gabby’s cheater boyfriend shows up and after some drug and sex action, (hope she had clean pants) he proposes marriage. Is it her he wants or her unlikely talents as a manager of his apartment block? Can each of the damaged souls find some happiness and is there hope for  a reconciliation with Martin, even at two bucks a minute?

I enjoyed this film. Rusty Schwimmer does well in the lead, a part that probably had Melissa McCarthy’s fingerprints all over it. Her dirty chat was pretty full on and she wasn’t shy about her ample frame or modest looks - real people that’s what we need!

There weren’t many out and out laughs, but I did like the ridiculous fancy restaurant with the 11 year old chef and the arty play involving Martin’s naked daughter tipping a tin of beans over herself .
The twist that Martin wasn’t what he seemed was signalled from Mars but it turned out a lot more mundane than my idea that he was a serial killer with plans for Gabby. In truth is was a nice film with no one coming out of it terribly. There was a lot of swearing and a few bits of nudity but I’m all for that if it helps the story along.

The ‘wild honey’ of the title was a reference to the bee hive that Martin kept. I’m sure there was an attempt at a big metaphor here, especially as he pointed out the queen and that ‘everyone has a job, even the workers’ but as my regular reader knows subtext isn’t my thing!

Over all it was a fun 90 minutes with gentle humour, slight character development and a topless woman covering herself in beans. Got to be pass marks for that alone!

‘W’ Rating 15/23
Best Bit : Beanz Meanz a good shower is required.

No.220 - Wolfcop (2014)

Wolfcop at the IMDb

I wasn't expecting much from ‘Wolfcop’ and in that regard at least I wasn't disappointed.

It certainly does what it says on the tin in that it has a cop who is also a wolf - what surprised me was that the cop/wolf actually kept up with its law enforcement duties. Can’t fault the commitment to the job there, Officer.

Our hero is Lou, played with scuzzy understatement by Leo Fafard, who is an under-performing policeman in a small town. He’s an alcoholic and ignores various small crimes such as vandalism as he makes his way to the police station. He has his boss on his back but has an able co-worker in Tina, who wins the employee of the month prize every time.

The towns is in the midst of a mayoral election and the annual ‘Hunt and Drink’ day is coming up. Lou does as little work as possible and spends his day getting drunk with a barmaid and his loser pal. Things change however when he wakes up with a pentangle carved into his chest and he is unable to shave due to immediate hair regrowth. He scratches his hairy chin and remembers flashes of creeps in monk habits carving the pentangle on him whilst another chap is scarified.

We soon learn that the victim is a candidate for mayor giving the incumbent no challengers to returning to the office and the excuse to cancel the Hunt and Drink day which coincides with a solar eclipse which strangely happenes every 32 years. Lou does some research and learns that by having a sacrifice a group of shape shifters can regenerate for another 32 years if they drink the blood of a werewolf during the eclipse. You can't argue with science like that!

Lou confides in his friend who locks him in a cell to witness the transformation and unusually Lou, despite a wolfy appearance, decides to put on his uniform and modify his police car before going on patrol. As the full moon  and eclipse move closer Lou has to keep a watch on who are his friends and who are the shape shifters. Can the curse be broken and will Lou find redemption after years of mourning his dead father?

This is a strange sort of film - It doesn't take itself seriously and there is a lot of gore but it is also played for laughs as well as drama. Just when you think it’s going down a familiar path Lou gets out his angle grinder in full werewolf mode and starts to customise his patrol car with big ‘W’s - possibly in tribute to this blog, it isn't clear.

The shifts in tone are a bit jarring but if you are watching a film called ‘Wolfcop’ you can hardly complain. The special effects were half decent with plenty of glycerine used for the transformation scene. There are also a couple of gruesome deaths and I especially likes a skull revealing ‘face off’ moment.

At a trim 79 minutes the film doesn't outstay its welcome but by the same measure you aren't baying for more. The thin plot played out satisfactorily and the cast mostly did well with some preposterous dialogue. The exception would be the bad guy leader who had a tear tattoo and no menace whatsoever.

I'm not inclined to hunt down the sequel promised in the credits but there are worse ways of spending an hour or so on Netflix.

Best Bit : face off in the corner
‘W’ Score 15/23

No.219 : Woman on the Run (1950)

Woman on the Run at the IMDb

First off, this film’s title is a complete misnomer. If you want to watch a woman on the run, look elsewhere. It’s the husband who is on the run, the wife is merely looking for him. ‘Woman Looking For Her Husband Who is on the Run’ should have been the title even if it is less exciting.

The film opens with Frank Johnston out walking his dog when he chances upon a man being shot in his car. We don’t know if it’s a robbery or extreme dogging at first, but the victim takes two in the belly for his trouble. Frank sees the whole thing and unfortunately catches the attention of the killer who pops two slugs straight into Frank’s head for being so nosy. Thankfully it was the shadow of Frank’s head that took the bullets, but that’s one shadow that will tell no tales.

Rather than do the sensible thing of running away Frank tells the cops he saw the whole event. It turns out that the victim was a witness against a major bad guy but all is not lost - Frank can take over as the bullet magnet and testify against the villain for this new crime. Understandably Frank gets cold feet and buggers off as soon as he can.

The cops aren't happy and head to Frank’s home where they meet his bitch of a wife, Eleanor. She couldn't give two shits about Frank’s predicament as the marriage is on the rocks. She shows the cops Frank’s paintings and generally runs him down. She softens however when a reporter shows up and offers some big bucks if she can help trace the fleeing Frank and get him the exclusive story. But wait! That ‘reporter’ looks a lot like the gunman - well he is one and the same after all.

Eleanor gets a cryptic message from Frank and she and the reporter follow the clues about town. Over the course of their travels she finds details about how much Frank really loves her and that he has a heart condition, that he’s kept secret from her. As she starts to doubt the reporter’s credentials can Eleanor has to find a way to get Frank's Heart medicine to him while also keeping the bad guy from silencing her man, whom she now loves after all?

This was a pretty decent ‘B’ movie with not a lot invested in sets or action but enough happens to keep you interested. Top billing goes to Ann Sheridan as Eleanor but she wasn't too convincing as the scornful wife who went all doe eyed after seeing a couple of portraits and hearing the medical news - Frank must have some decent life insurance tucked away!

The bad guy masquerading as a reporter was a lot more likeable and I was hoping he’d get away after rubbing out wet fish Frank - fat chance. The clues and deduction were well handled and the drip feed of information kept the level of interest up. The showdown at the fairground went as you’d imagine, but it was a decent ride to get there.

To be fair Eleanor does break into a slight trot at some points to justify the ‘On the run’ title but a better title couldn't have been that hard to find - maybe ladies running was what brought the punters in in the 1950’s? Anyway this is  a decent offering that although ‘by the numbers’ had enough to justify the viewing.

Best Bit - Your second ride is half price!
‘W’ Score 15/23

No.211 : Will Penny (1967)

Will Penny at the IMDb

According to IMDb ‘Will Penny’ is Charlton Heston’s favourite of his own movies. He must have forgotten about ‘The Omega Man’ and ‘Soylent Green’ when he said that! Still it is a great picture with lots of the components one always needs in a truly enjoyable western.

Despite only being 45 when the film was made Heston plays an ageing cowboy who is nearing the end of his usefulness in the old west. I suppose 45 was probably a good age back then but sitting here aged 44 I feel he had plenty left on the clock despite being regarded as the old timer.

Anyway, we join Charlton and the cow pokes at the end of a cattle drive. They get paid off by their boss and discuss what their options are. Chuck isn’t seen as a viable candidate for the next drive and instead he heads off with The Six Million Dollar Man and Mathias whom he would later cross swords with in ‘The Omega Man’.

After a brief scene reminiscent of ‘Brokeback Mountain’ where Steve Austin and Mathias emerge from beneath a blanket in their long johns there is a stand off with a gang of brigands who try to claim an elk they shot is rightfully theirs - the bastards! A brief shoot-out sees a bad guy killed and Mathias gut shot but we haven’t seen the last of them - well they do have Donald Pleasance and Bruce Dern in their number, and they aren't getting paid for one scene!

Charlton and his pals make it to a remote outpost where the greedy owner tries to sell them a coffin while Mathias is still hanging on - still at least there is some tightly buttoned lady action on show! The lads soon go their own ways with Chuck taking on a job that involves him occupying a remote cabin up in the hills. When he arrives he finds the cabin occupied by squatters in the shape of a gun toting woman and her snot nosed boy.

Chuck gives them a few days to move out but while he’s camping out in the wilds he gets bushwhacked by Pleasance’s gang. Using bad guy logic they leave him to die in the wilderness rather than kill him on the spot, leaving him able to return injured to the cabin in his fetching long johns. He’s nursed back to health by the thawing widow, who despite saying they aren't friends, will clearly end up in the great man’s arms.

As romance blossoms the viewer is left to wonder when the bad guys will show up again and at what cost.

This was two thirds of a great film with the middle section letting the side down. It was fair enough to have the stoic range man find a bit of happiness but the scene with him making house ran too long, so it was a merciful release when the bad guys showed up again and chucked the Christmas tree on the fire.

Heston does well as the jaded cowpoke who finds it hard to let others into his life and he handles the brief action scenes well. Joan Hackett is fine as the love interest who is maybe a bit too keen to get Heston into the bath to support her hard-bitten exterior.

The bad guys were well cast but underused - Bruce Dern hardly had a line. Their undoing was also somewhat pat with them at first fighting over the plain widow before reinforcing the stereotype that bad guys can’t shoot for toffee.

The settings were great and the costumes and characters certainly evoked a grubbier Old West than perhaps we are used to. At about 100 minutes this is a good slice of western life with maybe not enough substance to have it live long in the memory.


Best Bit : Visitors at Christmas!

'W' Score 15/23

No.203 : Where There’s a Will (2006)

Where There's A Will at the IMDb

 More schmaltzy Hallmark made for TV fodder now as we get a predictable ,but perfectly decent comedy drama, the plot of which can be guessed from the punny title.

Familiar character actor Frank Whaley gets the lead in an undemanding role as con man Richie who is in debt to a local heavy. As luck would have it he’s been traced as the sole relative of an old lady in Texas, whom we’ve already witnessed checking her bulging bank book. Hard up Richie heads straight to Texas in his Trans-Am making us wonder why he doesn’t sell that to save his legs instead. Still they’ve put some filler on the fender to make him look like he’s on his uppers, so that’s OK then.

The old lady is playing it for laughs with pratfalls off her reclining chair but we know she’s as sharp as a tack and certainly a match for the gormless grifter. Grandma is played by the mum off ‘Happy Days’ and has a blonde helper who looks like Sharon off ‘Eastenders’. Frank and the help hit it off and enjoy a  small kiss but he still has designs on the family fortune and engages a lawyer to have the old bat declared incompetent.

Elsewhere the heavy has tracked Frank down offering a tiny bit of danger that’s soon seen off by far too nice Sheriff Keith Carradine. Frank also has a rival in an aged granny grabber who has designs on the old lady’s bloomers and has sussed our hero for what he is. But wait, the small town friendliness has changed Frank and he has gained love for Granny after her makeover and he's started to look at his own abandonment issues.

Can Granny and Frank both find happiness and will the house go to the most worthy beneficiary?

This was low key stuff but totally inoffensive with a couple of touching moments - or moments of mawkish sentimentality if you’re a cynic like me. Whaley does OK in the lead but I was never convinced with his bad guy persona or of his plans to swindle the old woman. We know from the off that she was more than his match and the only question was whether Frank would fall in line or be chased off the claim by the wily widow.

The romance angle was tacked on and the kisses exchanged looked awkward and unconvincing. Frank’s about turn, which literally happened overnight, was completely unheralded although they did try to use the metaphor of an unfinished jigsaw left by his absentee mother and some sepia shots to convince, I wasn’t buying.

Marion Ross as the Granny was likeable but her slapstick was a bit overdone and scenes with her chair and with a map just looked silly and unconnected to the rest of the drama laid out before. Carradine as the no nonsense but overly wise Sheriff was underused in an underwritten part and his only real scene was unconvincing as he talked the gangster out of knee capping Frank.

To be fair if you are watching a drama on the Hallmark channel about people vying for a will you can't complain about ‘Where There’s a Will’ as it was almost to the moment what I expected.

Best Bit : Vows of Last Rites?  15/23

No.199 : Who is Clark Rockefeller? (2010)

Who is Clark Rockefeller? at the IMDb

Good old true life TV movies - they’ve always got questions in the titles and those interrogative pronouns are solid gold for all we ‘W’ movie bloggers.

The film tells the tale of the longest scam in FBI history - a kind of ‘Catch me if you can’t’. We open as a distraught mother tries to get right her televised plea for her daughter. It’s not clear what is happening but we’re sure we’ll get back to that later. We cut to the seemingly wealthy Clark Rockefeller on the way to his club. He remembers everyone’s name and his easy charm has the ladies swooning. He seems like a solid dude and we know he’s not a fly by night as his name is painted on a board of former presidents of the club.

All is not as it seems however when he tells his driver an elaborate tale about someone stalking him and the chauffeur pitches in when the baddie seemingly tries to grab Clark’s daughter during their custody visit. We soon learn that the ‘stalker’ is in fact a chaperone and that Clark has kidnapped his own child. Clark’s ex-wife shows up and after a bit of flapping about over a dropped teddy gives the police a statement. This forms the main part of the film’s narrative flow as the 12 year marriage is scrutinised by a cop keen on gossip.

The lady detective, played by Jonas’ annoying wife out of ‘The Unit’ is a bit of a pain and all judgemental over the wife not spotting the subtle clues that Clark wasn’t all he said he was - the lack of cash for one. Luckily the ex-wife, Sandra, is loaded as she has a high flying job. This allows Clark to carry out his philanthropic acts which mainly consist of buying wine and talking bull shit. As Sandra’s tale gets nearer the present day and her televised plea for her daughter - remember that? - the police start to piece together Clark’s life.

Clark started out as a German exchange student but soon learned of peoples’ gullibility and set him self up as European royalty. After losing his accent he spins through several jobs and possibly a couple of murders. The film isn’t too explicit on this point as it was still pre-trial when it was made but Wikipedia tells us that he totally did it!

While the wife is sounding off and the police are doing those magical internet searches you only get in films we also see Clark enjoy a few days with his daughter. Will her new tomboy hair grow out and will the bumbling cops finally nail their man after 20 years?

I’ve seen a few of these TV movies lately and this is certainly the best of them. The production values were pretty good with Will out of ‘Will & Grace’ in the lead. I’ve never watched the show but he was a compelling and likable actor in a role where he could just have been a real shit. That was well judged as everyone else got suckered so why not the viewer too?

There weren’t any explosions or car chases but at least they went to the expense of recreating Clarks jobs as a surgeon and scientist and that flashback German mullet wig must have cost $20 at least! The film is a trim 86 minutes and it covers a lot of ground in that time. The story was well told and it certainly held my interest throughout.

Best Bit : I’m saving the economy of Liberia!  ’W’ Rating 15/23

No.193 : Warm Bodies (2013)

Warm Bodies at the IMDb

Bloody zombie films - there’s none for five minutes and then another twenty appear on the horizon. They multiply like, well, zombies. The trouble with this crowded genre is that you have to position your zombie film so that it sits apart from all the rest of the zombie films and that means you have to spend time explaining your rules and zombie conditions.

‘Warm Bodies’ predictably has the world overrun by zombies but these are special zombies - they have an inner monologue! We meet up with a Zombie Nicholas Hoult (him off ‘About a Boy’) as he talks us through his day of shambling around an airport with  the rest of his horde. He laments the loss of his humanity but does have a friend in the shape of  Rob Corddry who memorably had bum wiping issues in a ‘Harold and Kumar’ film.

We also learn that our zombies are nice zombies and that there are nasty zombies out there called ‘Bonies’, who have shed all traces of humanity and become CGI instead. Meanwhile a human settlement is planning a supply run with leader John Malkovich reluctant to send his daughter Teresa Palmer along - good call John, she got into bother in recent ‘W’ outing ‘Wish You Were Here’. Of course she goes along and her group encounters that of our zombies who quickly rip the humans to bits - apart from Teresa to whom Nicholas takes a shine.

Strangely she plays along and soon the pair are holed up in an old plane and getting to know each other through records and pop culture. Initially Teresa, who is called ‘Julie’, is just playing along with our zombie who gives his name as ‘Rrrrrr’ - Romeo and Juliet - geddit? - but soon she sees some spark of humanity in his zombified face.

The two soon have a rare old time driving cars and learning to talk, but their friendship hasn’t escaped the attention of the Bonies who, quite correctly, feel humans are there to be eaten, not socialised with. The pair are eventually split up and Julie returns to the compound but, not to be denied, Rrrrrr rounds up his pals and heads to the human camp - with the Bonies in hot pursuit. Will true love prevail and may this signal an end to human/zombie hostilities?

This was an enjoyable film but it wasn’t distinctive enough to set it apart from the rest of this cluttered genre. Fair enough it has some original ideas such as the slow journey back to humanity and the Bonies but for the most part the clichés were clear and present. Some of the gags such as the driving sequence and Julie overacting as she pretended to be a zombie offered small smiles but nothing more. Given they were going for the romantic angle the kills were toned down with only the Bonies offering any real menace.

In its favour it was a good looking production with a strong cast. I’m just not sure I want my zombies rehabilitated however, and soon as the die was cast I knew where the film was ending up. The film had a lot to like, but like its zombies it was barely showing a pulse in many places and exhibited more than a little decay around the script and plot.

Best Bit  : Bonies showdown.   W Rating 15/23

No.189 : Widow on the Hill (2005)

Widow on the Hill at the IMDb

Made for TV true crime drama next - you can accuse us of cherry picking here at the 'W' Movie Blog.

Natasha Henstridge stars as Linda, the titular widow who is a nurse with a penchant for low cut tops. The film has the narrative device of a TV show interviewing Linda as she faces a murder charge. The story is then told in flashback with occasional cuts to the present day as the interview develops. We learn from the off that Linda has been accused of killing her new husband, James Brolin.

We meet James in livelier times as a wealthy landowner whose wife is dying. He hires a nurse from an agency and gets Natasha - Bingo! James’ daughters don’t like the new lady in their Dad’s life and worry she’s a gold digger. Pretty soon James’ wife shuffles off and in no time Natasha is in the wife’s fur coat and in his bed. Her sexy style turns the old man’s head and she’s married to him in no time flat.

His daughters however fail to be won over especially as the new wedding ring is the one mum promised to her daughter. The lovely Natasha starts to woo her way into the county set but we all know she’s after his cash - or is she? Have we been seduced by the evil schemer or does she really just have a taste for James’ silver locks and outdoorsy style?

It’s not long before she starts shagging the staff and threatening the family - can this total bitch get away with ruining the family and inheriting the house?

This was a decent enough TV drama but there wasn’t too much to recommend it apart from Natasha running about in a fetching black bra and panties set. Her character was thinly drawn and we knew she was a wrong ‘un from the off with her scheming and manipulating. She didn’t offer much that would garner our sympathies and although she was set up to be a villain she just came across as a bit of a bitch.

Brolin is always likeable but he lacked believability as the rich sucker being drawn in by feminine wiles. His two suspicious daughters were just annoying and the supposedly drunk one didn’t look like she'd ever had as much as a sweet sherry.

The narrative device of the news show was a decent stab at keeping us guessing with the story being broken down to small chunks, with the present day Linda commenting on the events we’d just seen. There was no prospect of any surprises however with Brolin’s fate sealed before we met him. The script was so biased against the slutty wife that we knew the outcome early on but it was good fun to see how evil she could get while wearing a succession of bras.

It was a strange choice to have the whole film build up to the trial and then cover the court action itself with a couple of on screen captions. Maybe they ran out of cash or indeed underwear.

The production values were decent enough but it was essentially a family drama set in a small town so it didn’t need a Death Star or cast of thousands. It wasn’t anything to rave about but it’s certainly worth a look if you catch it on late night TV.

‘W’ Score 15/23

No.161 : Whip It (2009)

Whip It at the IMDb

After the ‘girl power’ frenzy that was ‘While She Was Out’ I approached this film with some misgivings seeing as it was written by a lady and directed by Drew Barrymore. As you’d suspect the ‘go girl’ element is high and all the male characters are thinly drawn but it was a pleasant, if slightly familiar distraction.

Ellen Page, late of ‘Juno’ stars as a student and part time waitress who is under the thumb of her overbearing mother who thinks that her two daughters should follow in her footsteps and enter beauty pageants. Clearly our girl is more of a free spirit and after finding a flyer for an all girl roller derby match she decides to go along with her friend to see if there are any ‘cute guys’.

Of course there are and before we know it our little shrew is trying out for the team and having awkward soppy moments with a louche dude who has a band and interesting hair. The roller derby team , ‘The Hurl Scouts’ dress like mobile hookers and generally slap each other about a lot - no wonder there is no shortage of guys. The teams plays against the same five teams and we soon meet the baddie team ‘The Holly Rollers’ and their evil leader played by Juliette Lewis, reprising her bad girl routine from ‘Starsky & Hutch’.

Despite falling over a lot at the trials and looking about twelve our heroine gets on the team after lying about her age. Meanwhile romance is blossoming with the douche bag and he even gets to see her lacy bra and a souvenir in her ‘Stryper’ t-shirt. The roller derby team are usually last but with their new star player they soon start rising up the league.

Before we know it it’s time for all the clichés to set in with the championship game and the mother / daughter beauty pageant taking place the same night. Who will she choose? Will they win and what event? Has the dick weed boyfriend given away her t-shirt? It’s all so immaterial you might find yourself caring.

I actually quite liked this film although I’d be hard pressed to say why. But let’s try.

For one the sport was quite fun. I’d heard of but never seen a roller derby and it looks pretty gruesome. I wasn’t totally sold on the action scenes but they had the standard device of a funny commentator to explain things to the slow people. The team was your usual mix of sassy characters with a smart quip and some bonding never far away. At least the skirts where short and the school girl blouses tight.

The directing by Drew Barrymore was OK but I’d like to have seen a bit of the fat trimmed as nearly two hours for a formulaic rites of passage / sports film is a bit too long. There were a couple of good scenes with the one in the swimming pool nice and touching without being too letchy about a 17 year old.

The cast were all pretty good with Ellen Page almost convincing as a hell cat skater. At one point she does a tiny jump over one person and everyone is like ‘whoa Evel Kinevil here’ although not very convincingly. Barrymore couldn’t resist a small role in the team too but she was looking a bit long in the tooth for the short skirt and coloured hair - more like someone’s granny who forgot her pills.

Over all the film was a forgettable bit of fluff. It did have some indie sensibilities and was almost a hybrid of ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ and ‘Rollerball’ but not enough to spark the imagination or get me pulling on my skates.

As Devo didn’t say Whip It - Quite Good.

Best Bit : I’m wearing my best bra
‘W’ Rating 15/23

No. 158 : Witchboard (1986)

Witchboard at the IMDb

Next up is ‘Witchboard’ a film you may have seen gathering dust on your video shop shelf unaware that it’s actually spawned a few sequels, none of which will darken the door of the ‘W’ Movies Quest. That’s not to say the original is terrible but it’s far fetched premise wears thin half way through this one so gawd knows what part four is offering.

The film should in fact be called ‘Ouijaboard’ as it has nothing to do with witches and everything to do with that staple of teenage parties where everyone has heard of but never seen flying wine glasses and shit. Shit is the worst of course, terrible stains.

Anyway, the film opens with a party for some douche bag 30 somethings with a bit of tension in the air between two men who used to be friends but now are bitter rivals after falling out over Tawny Kitaen - perfectly understandable. One chap with blow dried hair is a total tit and goes to parties armed with a ouija board as a way to get chicks or get out of dancing, it isn’t really explained. He goes into some tale about a dead boy named David whom he has regular chats, presumably when Mother Palm and her five daughters are all tired out.

He summons the spirit and after a few questions the sprite gets understandably bored and causes a bit of damage before disappearing - wish I’d thought of that one post 1985 party! We hope that’s it, but of course it isn’t and the bad boy David starts a murderous rampage that sees a few deaths, a possession and a killer shower.

After ouijaing him back to stop his pocket money our hero is shocked to learn that David isn’t the bad spirit and the true demon is some serial killer dude who lived in their house before. With him using Tawny as a portal the now reunited friends set off to save the day; but their conclusions may be as rubbish as their friendly sprite’s spelling.

This is an easy film to pick nits with what with its terrible acting and dreadful dialogue but I actually quite enjoyed it. It wasn’t played entirely straight with a few wacky characters such as Zarabeth the medium thrown in for a few laughs and a quick despatch. The script is truly awful however with some of the most preposterous lines you’ll ever hear spoken with a straight face.

It doesn’t help that the lead is a poor man’s David Cassidy but to his credit he maintains his douchey character throughout. His pal, the failed and bitter doctor, is little better but at least he is the one voice of reason, joining every viewer in a chorus of ‘what a load of rubbish’ every time a daft utterance is made.

The possession angle was reasonable well played out with a couple of minor surprises thrown in to keep you guessing. The denouement where the titular board takes a few slugs underlines the tongue in cheek aspects of the film as does the closing shot that basically confirms the sequel is shooting straight after lunch.

Overall the film is a decent ride with a heady mix of murder, the supernatural and a friendly demonic shower that send our favourite cast member running for her towel. By no means great but at least it won’t leave you board. Ja?

Best Bit : Ooh that’s a bit hot
‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No. 157 : Willard (1971)

Willard (1971) at the IMDb

Having looked at the 2003 remake yesterday, today we’re looking at the original. That’s just the kind of crazy back to front film reviewing you can expect here at the ‘W’ movie challenge.

For the most part the two films follow the same plot with some sequences intact in both. In this film Willard Stiles is played by Bruce Davison whom I also remember as the senator who gets filled with water in ‘X2’. He works in the office of a steel mill under Ernest Borgnine’s tyrannical boss. At home he lives with his mum Elsa ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ Lanchester who is a lot more mobile here than her corresponding character in the sequel.

After a tough day at work Willard returns home to his sprawling family mansion and is greeted by a surprise party for his birthday hosted by his mother and attended by a gaggle of her crusty friends. After hearing one home truth too many Willard retreats to the garden where he shares some cake with a passing rat. After some nagging Willard plots to kill the rats but after being impressed by their ingenuity he befriends them and soon forms an affinity for a white rat whom he names ‘Socrates’.

His mum soon takes to bed and dies shortly thereafter. Willard’s boss Mr Martin sees this as a chance to get rid of Willard and buy his house, which he plans to turn into apartments. With his now trained rat friends Willard exacts some small revenge by invading his boss’ party, an exploit that cheers up his co-workers no end.

With death duties now due Willard has to resort to crime to save his house while slowly falling for Sondra Loche’s willowy temp. When Willard takes some rats to work Socrates gets killed by Mr Martin, sending our man over the edge. With Mr Martin in the firing line Willard has to juggle his crimes and love life with a falling mental capacity and the malevolence of king rat Ben.

This film was OK but I have to side with the 2003 remake as my favourite rat fest. The original is clearly a lot cheaper and has the look of a TV movie. Obviously there is no CGI to increase the rat numbers but sometimes it looks like there are barely a dozen rats bringing a man down - never heard of a good stamp?! It is clearly of it’s time with a beige look and an invasive score that often sends the film into melodramatic territory.

The romance aspect is a lot more pronounced in the original and I think the sequel was right to largely jettison this plot strand as unnecessary and largely unbelievable - the guy hangs out with rats for goodness sake and Sondra can snare Clint Eastwood! Bruce Davison is good as Willard but I prefer Crispin Glover’s creepiness, a quality that the role really demands. Borgnine is similarly good as the brutish boss but I preferred the bluster of R Lee Emery in the sequel - he’s a bone fide bastard and it shows.

People will tell you that the original is always the best as it’s, well, original. I can see this point of view to some extent but when the remake extracts the essence of the film and expands and improves upon it, it’s clearly a worthwhile venture. My own view is echoed by the voters of the IMDb who give the remake a full star more than the original. Nothing to get ratty about, they are both good pictures - I just need my rat obsessed nut job to be that bit more creepy and my bastard bosses that bit more bastardly.

Best Bit : Boss’ Party Tanks
‘W’ Rating : 15/23