No. 351 : Wrath of Man (2021)

 

Wrath of Man at the IMDb

I saw a trailer for a new Guy Ritchie film starring Jason Statham, Josh Hartnett and Eddie Marsan called ‘Operation Fortune’ that looked a lot of fun. I was surprised to see it pop up on Amazon Prime, but it turned out it wasn’t the fun caper film from the trailer but a heist movie involving the same people. It’s almost like they finished one film early and decided to bash out another seeing as they had all the crew assembled. If my assumption of this cookie cutter approach is correct, one film would have to be the poorer cousin; but which one is it? It’s this one!

Jason plays his usual character - bald and gruff ex-special forces with a mysterious past - who on this outing is called ‘H’ - they may have been trying for a Steps sub-plot, but it wasn’t really developed. The film opens with a heist which we see from the security van’s crew’s perspective. Something goes awry and we hear that two guards and a civilian have been shot from the police radios - remember that for later.

We then meet Jason who is applying for a job at the security firm three months later. He’s told of the previous robbery and is taken through his paces by ‘Bullet’, the senior guard at the firm. Jason barely scrapes a 70% pass mark at the evaluation, but we suspect that he has more in his locker. True to form his van is soon held up, but Jason shoots up all the bad guys without drawing sweat or changing his facial expression. Company rules say that any incident involving a fatality means those involved should get a desk job, but the boss tells flunky Eddie Marsan that Jason should be promoted instead - he does have top billing, after all.

Meanwhile we meet up with the troupe of bad guys run by ‘Burn Notice’s Jeffrey Donovan. He’s getting on a bit so he gets some help from Clint junior, Scott Eastwood. Scott has a bit of a cloudy eye, so we know from the start that he’s a total psychopath. The robbers are ex-military and are keen for a big score and target Jason’s depot on Black Friday when there will be $150 million cash on hand - haven’t these people heard of credit cards?

The narrative jumps back and forth in time with captions appearing regularly - at one point we are five months back and then it’s ‘3 weeks later’ from then or now? It does get a bit confusing. There are also chapter titles which define the 3 acts, which just come across as pretentious in a film with low aspirations, such as this. Just remember Jason has a soppy son he dotes on and that there’s a mole in the security network who is almost definitely the one you think it is from the start.

This was a half decent offering, and if you are of mind to stick on a mindless Jason Statham film you won’t be disappointed. This isn’t one of his light-hearted efforts where he drops a couple of zingers, this is the brow furrowed and no shit taken Jason with plenty of double taps and needless blood letting.

The non-linear narrative is easy enough to follow, mainly because every ‘twist’ was signposted brighter than a Christmas tree. We know Jason is on the path of vengeance - the title is your clue - and it didn’t take much mental agility to work our where he’d been wronged and who needed shooting to sort things out.

The characters are all wafer thin, but it did seem pointless to kill off virtually every one of them. I know it makes the baddie a bit more ‘boo hiss’ if he kills a few people we have investment in, but sadly the investment was nil, with the interest rate even lower.

Donovan had very little to do and it looked like a lot of the principals did their work in a few days when it suited their schedules. The film lacked any of the glamour or budget of what ‘Operation Fortune’ promises and clearly this effort will be seen as the runt of the litter. For a film like this to succeed you need to really care about the character and his motivation. Here Statham’s character didn’t make any sense, nor did his involvement in the initial heist. ‘We need you to tell us if the truck goes left or right’ says the mysterious overlord on the phone. Given the ambush was set up on the right it didn’t really matter what Statham called in, as that was their only chance of success anyway. Why Jason and his son stopped for a front row burrito was just illogical.

Anyway , slice and dice it anyway you like this was an unsatisfying revenge flick that had some decent gun play and a few familiar faces looking for an easy pay day. It was competently made but totally forgettable and a lesser Statham, if there is such a thing.

Best Bit : Jason drops his burritos ‘W’ Rating : 10/23

No.333 : White Space (2018)

White Space at the IMDb

Problem : You want to make a sci-fi film but don’t have a plot. Solution? Just repurpose some old public domain classic and you’re good to go.

Strange as it may sound this film is ‘Moby Dick’ in space. But wouldn’t that need a big whale you may ask? Well this has one, a big space whale, like the type that definitely exist, but just haven’t been found yet. Don’t ask about what they eat or how they propel themselves; it’s probably a metaphor or something.

We start in the future, but also in the past in 2123. A big fraggin’ space whale totals a ship killing nearly all of the crew. We then fast forward 24 years and learn that one of the young survivors now has his own ship and he’s out for revenge. He has a ragtag crew of basically every space faring stereotype you can think of, from the Bourbon drinking old salt to the nerdy, misfit engineer.

The crew are supposedly out farming food in space and the best pickings are in ‘white space’  where communications are difficult and perils await in the shape of space pirates and space whales. The crew are keen to harvest the ambergris and get home but the captain is twisted by his lust for revenge on the whale who took his father and he’s got a homing beacon on it that is now giving a signal.

On the way to the inevitable showdown the crew get robbed by some pirates and the engineer gets infected by a parasite that turns him into Vincent D’Onofrio out of ‘Men in Black’. They also have to contend with a saboteur and a snooper from a government agency who want to keep an eye on our heroes’ shady practices.

Who will survive? Would Melville approve and does watching this count as me having read the book?

This was a strange offering. It had long sequences that looked like cut scenes from video games and a ridiculous premise that wasn’t really explored - I’m none the wiser as to what ‘white space’ was meant to be. At least they didn’t hide their inspiration with the ship named ‘The Essex’ (the proto ‘Pequod’) and plenty of other Melville nods sprinkled along the way. The source material meant that you knew our captain was going to go full Ahab at some point, so it was no surprise when he did so. Maybe it was to the actor though, who was unconvincing when trying to display madness, mania or even slight excitement.

The subplot with the possessed engineer was poorly delivered also with a couple of nasty and brutal stabbings - haven’t these people heard of ray guns? It was maybe a budget issue as they had the same set of kitchen scales as my wife - maybe they were space antiques?

Virtually every space film you can think of gets a nod here with the slime coming through the roof onto the metal decking a straight lift from every Alien film, and the crew appearing like a ‘Firefly’ fan convention. None of the characters worked for me and some of the backstories were poor - one woman had several convictions for assaults with a frying pan. She must have been Scottish - at least she got to use her singular talent when confronted by the baddie!

Overall this was a strange offering which, despite some decent special effects, didn’t make a lot of sense and failed to engage with me on any level. One to throw back!

Best Bit : Mr Stabby Loses His Head  ’W’ Rating 11/23

 

No.309 : War (2007)

War at the IMDb

Jason Statham, with his hair at critical point, stars in this routine thriller which has more than a little ‘Face/Off’ about it.

For some unexplained reason Cockney sounding Jason is working the Asian Unit for the FBI in San Francisco - later on his black, balder  partner is introduced and some one says ‘You don’t look Asian’ whilst Statham is in the background with his gor blimey trousers on.

We open with a moody dockland showdown. Jason and his partner have tracked down ‘Rogue’ a top assassin who uses signature bullets - you’d think the first thing you’d do as an assassin would be not have a signature, but let’s go with it. Statham takes a hit but he’s saved when his partner shoots the bad guy in the face and into the water. Naturally the body isn’t recovered and that spells bad news for the partner when Rogue shows up at his house and kills everyone and burns it to the ground. Well, to be fair, he singes it a bit.

We then jump ‘3 years later’ and Jason’s obsession with Rouge has cost him his marriage. He has a new partner in the shape of David’s boyfriend off ‘Six Feet Under’ and a failing relationship with his child - and authority. The Triads and Yakuza are at war with the FBI in the middle. It gets a bit confused but it’s the usual gubbins about honour with two antique horse being the main point of debate. Can’t they have one each and give us an early night?

Rogue steps out of the shadows and blow me, it’s Jet Li. He’s been to Saul Rubinek’s plastic surgeon, but sadly not a coach in diction. He's all quiet and enigmatic, but comes across as a bit dull. Jason starts to close in on his man but Rogue’s loyalties aren’t clear. Whilst working for one faction he is also stirring things up for them too. Can Jason solve the riddle of Rogue’s true identity and are things as they seem?

This was an OK effort, but nothing memorable -my IMDb score tells me I’ve seen it before but I didn’t remember the big twist. If you think it’s strange that Jet Li is playing a baddie , it really isn’t.

I felt the whole production was poorly lit and too dark. They may have been going for atmospheric but it was hard to see what was going on a lot of the time. It did look like a Japanese co-production which meant the film seemed off kilter with lots of seemingly pointless exchanges taking place in Japenese. That’s fair enough, but when a film is designed by committee it never comes across as a cohesive piece of work.

There were plenty of shoot outs and sword fights but these were generally just padding between the big revelations. Fair play to them for subverting my expectations, (again) but it did all seem too far fetched - I didn’t know plastic surgeons could whack a foot off someone’s height too!

Statham’s character was really one dimensional and although he was given a 70’s muscle car to add some depth, he was more ‘John Prick’ than ‘John Wick’. Shouting at subordinates and beating up witnesses is so ‘The Sweeney’.

Overall this was a workmanlike thriller with a couple of decent twists but not enough to set it apart in a crowed genre.

Best Bit : ‘With Compliments’  W Rating 14/23

No.250 : We Still Kill the Old Way (2014)

We Still Kill the Old Way at the IMDb

 Here’s some fun in the shape of a British set ‘em up and knock ‘em down revenge thriller. It’s knowingly rubbish and peppered with a lot of ‘I thought they were dead?’ type stars, but it’s good fun and no doubt a bit of wish fulfilment for the Daily Mail set who long for the days when criminals looked after the community - Gawd bless ‘em!

The film opens with two drivers heading to different destinations. A beardy Ian ‘The Saint’ Ogilvy is in Spain while some yoofs are on their way to rob someone’s flat. Ogilvy is a retired East End criminal and living the good life in Spain. Meanwhile Aaron and his ‘E2’ crew are terrorizing Ogilvy’s old manor - noising up pensioners and single mums alike.

Aaron also shows his charms with the ladies by bedding a posh girl before taking photos of her and robbing her house. She’s not easily put off however and when Aaron suggests a second date down a dark alley she eagerly accepts. Huge mistake! - Aaaron’s plan is to ‘introduce’ her to his crew. What he doesn’t bank on however is that Steven Berkoff is dining nearby and takes on the feral rabble to save the girl. He gets killed for his trouble but we learn that he’s Ogilvy’s brother and soon the Saint is back in town and looking for revenge.

He gets together his old crew including James Cosmo off those bank adverts and DI Burnside off ‘The Bill’. What follows is a predictable hunting down of the bad guys by the slightly less bad guys until order is restored and the streets are safe for honest folk once again.

I quite liked this film but the pay off didn’t live up to the build up. Ogilvy was good as the O.C.D. Ritchie although I’m not sure he really caught the menace needed for a lethal old school gangster. He was likable and charismatic though, and it was hard not to take to his character. His henchmen weren’t as good, although they did have less to do. He was backed up by Lysette Anthony, who was almost unrecognisable, playing the woman from the neighbourhood who missed the good old days of knife fights and protection rackets. Her part was bolstered by her technology skills which enabled Ogilvy to track his quarry.

All the while the police investigation rumbled on with Alison Doody (off ‘Taffin’) playing the D.C. who respected the old school methods, especially those employed by Ogilvy, when her daughter turns out to be the one being abused by the baddies. The feral yoof were a bit too shouty to be menacing and did that side on gun grip that is so annoying. I guess they were painted this way to show their ineptitude against our ‘heroes’.

I was hoping for more once the battle lines were drawn but there were too few killings and the muddled shoot out at the hospital was somewhat disappointing. The final scene suggested a sequel could be in the offing and I certainly would be up for another slice of this ‘New Tricks’ for Bad Slags.

Best Bit : “Detective Constable? You should take out the ‘Detective’ and the ‘able’.
‘W’ Rating 15/23

No.209 : Wild Tales (2014)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3011894/

Sometimes in life one’s pointless endeavours collide, as has happened here when my desire, nay need, to keep up to date with all the films on the IMDb Top 250 list produced an unseen ‘W’ film. To be honest it’s actually a ‘R’ film  as the title is ‘Relatos Salvages’ but given my meagre readership can barely understand English, never mind Spanish, I’ll go with the translation ‘Wild Tales’ as that’s what’s on the poster.

The film is from Argentina, a country you may feel is better suited to steaks and invading, but to be fair this is pretty good and was that country’s Foreign Film entry to the 2015 Oscars - didn’t win though!

Six standalone vignettes, or stories to you, make up the film and each focuses on an element of extreme behaviour, with things normally starting out in a sedate manner, before flying wildly off the tracks. You sometimes see films like ‘Happiness’ use the multiple strand format and then intertwine the stories so that the man in story one is a patient of the doctor in story three and the plumber in story two cleans the septic tank of the woman in story four, but not here. Each story stands alone with a separate cast and is about twenty minutes long, which is helpful if you need to frequently visit the toilet or fridge.

The first story concerns two passengers on a flight who, after a brief conversation, discover they have a person in common. Another passenger pitches in that she knows him too before it is quickly established that everyone on the flight has crossed paths with this one mysterious figure. Is it a cosmic coincidence or are more sinister forces in play? It’s the second one! This story only lasts a few minutes and is played out before the titles, ably setting the tone for what is to follow.

Next up a waitress encounters a rude customer whom she recognises as the man who drove her father to suicide. The female chef encourages her to lace his dinner with rat poison arguing that his death will be attributed to the food rather than poison - clearly  not a restaurant to seek out! Things are complicated when the man’s son appears and starts helping himself to the chips - is the food poisoned? and can this end well?

A familiar opening next as a driver is held up on the road by a slow moving banger. Given it's the middle of nowhere the driver giving the finger on passing can’t be a good idea and so it proves when he gets a flat and his tormentor pulls up behind. An escalating game then plays out with a nice line in being dumped upon taking centre stage. Once again things start to spiral towards an inevitable but satisfying conclusion.

By now you have an idea where the film’s mindset is and when the next character is introduced carrying out his day job as a demolition expert you know the parking attendants who blight his life would do well to leave him alone. Of course they don’t and although the pay off is the most predictable of the stories, it was well handled as was the fall out of his actions.

The penultimate story opens with a spoiled rich boy arriving home in Daddy’s bashed up car. We learn that he has hit and killed a pregnant woman and rather than leave him to take his medicine his father and his lawyer try to buy his way out of the crime by bribing the local prosecutor and by paying his handyman to take the rap. The seedy plan starts to unravel when everyone gets greedy and the wages of sin hold their usual pitfalls.

The last story is the longest and perhaps the weakest. At her wedding reception a bride discovers her husband’s infidelity and sets about evening the score by copping off with a chef and smashing up her rival. As the cake hits the deck can the marriage be pulled back from the brink?

As with any anthology some stories are stronger than others but this film does well to maintain a consistently high standard. The acting was excellent and I was willing on the often reprehensible characters. There were plenty of surprises and a few laugh out loud moments as well as plenty to ponder.

If foreign language films aren't usually your thing, give this a go. The stories are brief and demonstrate that the human foibles we possess are universal and if you don’t take to a set up or the characters there’s another story and cast just a few minutes away.

Best Bit - Incoming! 20/23

No.182 : Welcome to the Punch (2013)

Welcome to the Punch at the IMDb

Another page from Alan Partridge’s book of ‘Bad Slags’ now as we pick through this British cops v robbers action and swearing fest.

The film opens with a daring bank raid. It’s daring because all the bad guys are wearing suits and escape as a motorcycle formation team. The only cop in town is James McAvoy who has a shiny car and no back up. He’s ordered not to pursue but we know he’s reckless, er a maverick, from the off as he disregards the stuffed shirts at HQ and goes after the bad guys. Clearly Health and Safety called this one right as after a minor kafuffle McAvoy is shot in the leg and the bad guys get away.

We fast forward a couple of years and, although still a cop, McAvoy is bitter and forced to syringe out fluid from his still painful leg wound. He’s still bitching at his superiors, one of whom is that annoying one out of all these type of films and the other the Governor out of ‘The Walking Dead’ who has political ambitions. We learn that the leader of the robbers was Jacob Sternwood who not only has a tough name, he’s tough as well.

The bad man has gone to ground but the cops fancy their chances of a collar when they pick up Sternwood’s son on an unrelated offence. What follows is a predictable game of cat and mouse as the gangster heads back to the smoke to rescue his kid while McAvoy tries to remember to limp and look tough despite a weak beard.

This film wasn’t as terrible as I anticipated but it was still pretty poor. Of course it’s easy to pick nits, so let’s do that then.

McAvoy may now have the leading man status to open a film but he didn’t convince as the haunted copper with a score to settle. He may have been shown a couple of gun drills but his running about and swearing while offering his piece was more laughable than threatening. Better was Mark Strong as the villain but he’s had plenty of practice -  see ‘The Guard’ ‘Kick-Ass’ etc. He certainly topped McAvoy in the acting stakes but even he floundered with some hokey dialogue and ridiculous plot twists.

Down the list you also get Peter Mullen doing what he does and a disinterested David Thewlis as the aspirational politician who’s plan to shoot up London to win votes and lucrative contracts was ill conceived at best. The lead lady was a bit plain and her habit of writing stuff on her hands had her fate signalled from the off - guess where the killer clue is found?

The story was overly complicated and too reliant of coincidence and lucky timing. At the end McAvoy has a long speech where he explains the plot along with flashbacks and I was still a bit puzzled. Some of it didn’t even make sense - Britain’s most wanted escapes from his Icelandic lair, kills plenty, and then jets straight into the heart of London without a second glance. He also manages to meet all his old contacts and wanders in and out of various crimes scenes with no questions asked.

The big showdown where the two arch enemies forge an uneasy alliance was so much horse shit, but at least it did let a few extras get shot up. The production was quite lavish for a British film but it had so many ‘London at Night’ establishing shots you’d think the whole thing was bankrolled by the tourist board - well maybe if every person in Britain wasn’t shown as a total murdering psycho you might.

Overall the film was like a lavish episode of ‘The Sweeney’ and it was certainly better than the recent remake film of that series. Part of the fun is spotting all the actors they found sitting about in the Garrick Club and shoved on screen for five minutes. The violence was moderate with nothing too graphic despite ten million bullets being shot off in the name of entertainment. Worth a look but only a passing one as you skip past it on Channel 5 in a couple of years time.

W Score 12/23  Best Bit - Storage wars Writ Large

No.171 : Wichita (1955)

Wichita on IMDb

Off to the wild west now, or rather the ‘mild’ west as there’s not a drop of blood or even any cussing in this strait-laced affair.

We open as some cattle drovers settle down for the night with some beans and possibly gay sex. Their plans, whatever they may be, are interrupted when they spot a stranger on the horizon. They give him a cautious welcome and it turns out he’s Wyatt Earp. Although the aging actor playing him, Joel McCrea, is already 50 no one knows who he is - better get a move on Gramps or they’ll need to install a stair lift by the time you get to the OK Corral!

They bed down for the night and soon two drovers approach Earp’s bed - maybe his red shirt and neckerchief was a signal? but no! They're after his cash. They get hold of his fat bank roll but Earp is wise to the game and after recovering his cash he punches the miscreants out. He heads off to Wichita with his dreams of opening a hardware shop intact. The drovers lick their wounds safe in the knowledge that they’ll be in Wichita soon themselves, and may get their chance at some revenge.

Earp hits town and wins favour with the mayor as his plans don’t involve opening another bar - Kavos this ain't. He goes to the bank and is able to thwart the tamest robbery attempt you’ll ever see, with robbers who look more like Sunday School teachers than brigands. The mayor immediately offers Earp the job of Marshall but our man is determined to sell his buckets, goddarn it!

Fate naturally takes control however when the pished up drovers enter the town and start grappling with some overdressed whores and shooting off their pistols. A hooker and then, seemingly more importantly, a young boy get shot by stray bullets and the even mild mannered Earp has had enough. He grabs the Marshall’s badge and a shotgun and kicks some ass. Well he politely asks them to stop, if it wouldn't be too much trouble.

Now mad with power Earp bans all guns from the town much to the chagrin of local worthy Doc Black who hires two guns to take out this meddlesome Marshall. But D’oh! He’s only hired Earp’s own brothers and gets run out of town for his bother. While all this non-killing is going on Earp finds the time to picnic with a local lass half his age. Tragedy looms however when the evil Doc returns and shoots Earp’s girl’s mother. Earp feigns anger and sets out in pursuit. Can he bring the villains to justice and ride off into the sunset with his gal?

This is definitely a film of its time with nothing remotely offensive or even slightly troubling going on. The biggest crime is the shooting of the boy, who frankly deserved it for his terrible ‘Oh I'm shot' acting. It was so bad it was only beaten by the leg shaking wackiness of Lloyd Bridges in his big shoot out scene. The whores showed nothing and the drunken drovers are so disinterested, even after six month’s abstinence, that they’d rather go about shooting their guns than getting to grips with the painted ladies.

The script is dire with every western cliché present and correct. The baddies literally wear black hats as if we’d mistake our clean cut hero for any of those less than menacing characters. The romance aspect looked tacked on with ‘do you want to go on a picnic’ seemingly shorthand for ‘let’s get it on’. Of course a small peck is followed by asking permission to be married - remember that kids!

The action scenes were dreadful with our man never missing a shot and the bad guys only chalking up one whore’s arm and a 5 year old in return for 10,000 rounds fired.

Of course the film was made for more innocent times, and no doubt some people gasped when the villain twirled his moustache, but nowadays it just looks like a funny throwback to a more naive and gentle period when the good guys won and the bad guys got their just desserts.

Best Bit : "The boy’s name was Michael Jackson - he was 5 years old" - Ow!

W Score 11/23

No.163 : Wrong Side of Town (2010)

Wrong Side of Town at the IMDb

You’d have thought an action flick starring a couple of wrestlers would have swept the board at the Oscars but as always it’s not who you know it’s who you blow.

In truth the only reason to watch this film is for the laughably bad acting and dialogue but I’m sure there are worse ways to spend 90 minutes. Hmmm, let’s see sticking your willy in a blender for one and then …

No neck midget wrestler Rob Van Dam takes the lead as Bobby a simple family man who is living the suburban dream. The fact that he’s got a cissy pony tail and more tats than a council estate isn’t mentioned. He meets his new neighbour, a bookish black fellow, and despite our hero looking the front man for a BNP rally he quickly agrees to a night out on the town. Bobby has some reservations as the club is on the ‘wrong side of town’ but goes along anyway.

Despite the club being the hot spot in town Bobby gets in with his t-shirt on and settled down to dinner in the least convincing restaurant you’ll ever see. As he predicted things soon kick off when Bobby’s wife gets molested by a dickwad on drugs. Bob saves the day but the bad guy falls on his own knife setting our hero against the miscreant’s father.


Despite his obvious innocence Bob is quickly on the run, well waddle, against a lacklustre army of deadbeat gang bangers and an unconvincing bent cop. The journey home is peppered with low-rent bust ups as Bobby does his best at kicking some face. Once home he discovers his daughter has been kidnapped by Mr Big and he has to set off on his Harley with his shades on at 2 am with only some other WWF guy to help.

This is a real comedy classic and if it wasn’t being played straight you’d think it a masterpiece. I know you can’t expect a lot in a film starring Rob Van Dam in the acting stakes but this is really cringe making stuff. Rob is actually only dreadful in the lead as a black ops guy with more muscles than a sea food restaurant. He doesn’t even master the basics like remembering to limp after he’s been shot in the leg and the emotional scenes with the daughter will make you wince and snigger in equal measure.

You’d imagine that when you have wrestlers in the main roles you’d get them a bit of support in the cast but no! Seth, the main villain, is played by possibly the worst actor you’ll ever see. He heads a gang of baldies that are as menacing as the Teletubbies. His maniacal rantings and burst of anger come across as mild annoyance and his henchmen, including a mute black man in sun glasses, beggar belief.

The action scenes are really poor and amount to a few people getting kicked in the balls. Obviously wrestling moves don’t translate to street fighting, what with the lack of folding chairs and all, so all our muscle bound main man can manage is a couple of bitch slaps.

The whole thing wraps up pretty neatly in the course of one night and hopefully that’ll also cover the span of the careers of all those involved.

Best Bit : Rob Hits the Strip Joint
‘W’ Rating 11/23

No. 157 : Willard (1971)

Willard (1971) at the IMDb

Having looked at the 2003 remake yesterday, today we’re looking at the original. That’s just the kind of crazy back to front film reviewing you can expect here at the ‘W’ movie challenge.

For the most part the two films follow the same plot with some sequences intact in both. In this film Willard Stiles is played by Bruce Davison whom I also remember as the senator who gets filled with water in ‘X2’. He works in the office of a steel mill under Ernest Borgnine’s tyrannical boss. At home he lives with his mum Elsa ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ Lanchester who is a lot more mobile here than her corresponding character in the sequel.

After a tough day at work Willard returns home to his sprawling family mansion and is greeted by a surprise party for his birthday hosted by his mother and attended by a gaggle of her crusty friends. After hearing one home truth too many Willard retreats to the garden where he shares some cake with a passing rat. After some nagging Willard plots to kill the rats but after being impressed by their ingenuity he befriends them and soon forms an affinity for a white rat whom he names ‘Socrates’.

His mum soon takes to bed and dies shortly thereafter. Willard’s boss Mr Martin sees this as a chance to get rid of Willard and buy his house, which he plans to turn into apartments. With his now trained rat friends Willard exacts some small revenge by invading his boss’ party, an exploit that cheers up his co-workers no end.

With death duties now due Willard has to resort to crime to save his house while slowly falling for Sondra Loche’s willowy temp. When Willard takes some rats to work Socrates gets killed by Mr Martin, sending our man over the edge. With Mr Martin in the firing line Willard has to juggle his crimes and love life with a falling mental capacity and the malevolence of king rat Ben.

This film was OK but I have to side with the 2003 remake as my favourite rat fest. The original is clearly a lot cheaper and has the look of a TV movie. Obviously there is no CGI to increase the rat numbers but sometimes it looks like there are barely a dozen rats bringing a man down - never heard of a good stamp?! It is clearly of it’s time with a beige look and an invasive score that often sends the film into melodramatic territory.

The romance aspect is a lot more pronounced in the original and I think the sequel was right to largely jettison this plot strand as unnecessary and largely unbelievable - the guy hangs out with rats for goodness sake and Sondra can snare Clint Eastwood! Bruce Davison is good as Willard but I prefer Crispin Glover’s creepiness, a quality that the role really demands. Borgnine is similarly good as the brutish boss but I preferred the bluster of R Lee Emery in the sequel - he’s a bone fide bastard and it shows.

People will tell you that the original is always the best as it’s, well, original. I can see this point of view to some extent but when the remake extracts the essence of the film and expands and improves upon it, it’s clearly a worthwhile venture. My own view is echoed by the voters of the IMDb who give the remake a full star more than the original. Nothing to get ratty about, they are both good pictures - I just need my rat obsessed nut job to be that bit more creepy and my bastard bosses that bit more bastardly.

Best Bit : Boss’ Party Tanks
‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No. 154 : Whip and the Body (1963)

Whip and the Body at the IMDb

It’s a dark and stormy night as this period Italian drama opens and if you think that’s the end of the clichés you’d be wrong! The stormy night rattles a blood stained dagger that is exhibited in a fancy glass case - you can’t beat those 19th century craftsmen. We learn that a servant’s daughter killed herself after being pumped and dumped by Christopher Lee and the dagger has been kept in the hope that it can be used to exact revenge.

As luck would have it Kurt (Lee) shows up at the castle the very same day. His father is dying and Kurt is keen to make amends for his many disgraces so that he can have his share of the fortune resorted to him. While his Pop lies dying Kurt takes the chance to go riding and have a bit of kinky sex with his brother’s wife courtesy of her riding crop. When the she doesn’t return a search party goes looking while Kurt has a fatal tussle with the curtains which result in the now liberated dagger finding its way into his neck.

With half an hour gone and the bad guy dead you may think that you’re in for an early night, but no! The grave can’t hold this kind of bastard! The ravaged lady soon starts to see Lee’s ghostly image in the window and muddy boot prints cover the castle. Pretty soon she is being whipped again by forces unseen and the crack of lashes is heard continuously. When the father is found dead in his bed we have to wonder if revenge is being exacted from beyond the grave or whether someone is using that illusion to further their own means. Or it could be some one going a bit mental, it’ll be one of those for sure.

This film was made in 1963 and has all the hallmarks of a Hammer horror film from that era such as Christopher Lee, busty wenches and ropey special effects. It is in fact an Italian film, a fact disclosed as soon as anyone opens their mouth and the badly dubbed dialogue spews forth. It looks like Lee did his lines in Italian but they got someone else to dub them in English which gives you the distracting effect of having a name actor talking with some one else’s voice.

A lots of things work well in the film such as the setting, costumes and general unsettling mood. The acting is hard to critique due to the dubbing but there are certainly too many brooding silences for my liking. These are mostly cut short however by the overly dramatic score that demands attention at every turn. Lee does well as the whip cracking bastard although it’s hard to see how all the ladies fall under his spell. The idea of a love story that transcends death was a good one although the finale and revelations kind of undermine that.

It is a pretty decent stab at a period horror/romance and although never scary it does tread a somewhat dubious line at times, with the lady clearly loving the damn good thrashings she regularly receives. Perhaps not a main feature but a perfectly serviceable ‘B’ movie oddity, especially if you like the crack of a whip yourself, you kinky people!

Best Bit : “Open the tomb!”
‘W’ Rating : 14/23