No.172 : Wild Stallion (1952)

Wild Stallion at the IMDb

Another crappy 1950’s western now - we really need to upgrade our movie package here at the 100+ W Movies Quest - TCM seems to have no end of these ‘classics’.

Wild Stallion is mercifully short at 70 minutes, but they are long, long minutes.

We open as a cavalry post is being decommissioned. A fat, wise old soldier is packing up the stables as an eager new recruit asks about the old white horse. ‘Thank God you asked’ the old man probably thought as we wouldn’t have a film otherwise. We quickly dissolve to a homestead in the old west, 32 years earlier. The pioneer Maw and Paw barely get a chance to wonder when Dan will be back from the fishing hole before they are dispatched by some sharp shootin’ injuns. These guys fire one bullet and one arrow and score two kills - that’s how the west might have been won! In the low key melee a young white colt escapes - remember him for the next paragraph! The injuns torch the homestead and make off just as young Dan appears with the fish dinner.

Alas his acting range can’t convey the trauma, so he just gets on with burying his folks. He manages to plant his oversized parents without getting his hands dirty, just as a helpful stranger appears. He gives a master class in name carving before dropping the boy off at the cavalry’s military school. Things morph into his teenage years as he and the helpful stranger team up to capture wild horses for the cavalry. Dan has never forgotten his lost white colt, ‘Top Kick’, and near wets his pants as he spots his erstwhile steed.

Top Kick is the leader of a big herd of wild horses and although our man gets a rope on it, it soon escapes his frankly creepy clutches. Over the next few years our man busies himself by fighting with the cavalry’s bully boy horse trainer and in pretending to be interested in the token lady, who does nothing but simper and  look desperately for a husband.

After even more dull related horse antics, including one where Top Kick facilitates a horse jailbreak, he and our man are eventually tamed for a life in the military and with a beard wife.

We dissolve back to the old army man who is telling the tale and are meant to be surprised when we learn that the man running the post is actually our man Dan. We also get the joyous news that rather than heading  for the Tesco burger factory, Top Kick is off to San Francisco for retirement - wonder why our butch hero chose there?

Although it’s easy to tear strips off this film it has no pretensions and is simply a ‘Boys’ Own’ style adventure yarn. Any prospect of drama and suspense is lost from the beginning with the narrative all told in flashback. The surprise ending is nothing of the kind and it gets worse when our hero takes the old man along too - he thought he was for the old folks’ home!

As is often the case with melodrama like this the score is really booming and invasive, and there is no attempt at characterisation - it’s all boo-hiss - hoo-ray - boooo! The Indians get a bad press, as ever, with them randomly shooting folk and setting fire to stuff for no ideological reason that the film makers address. The plot, although slight, is ridiculous with our hero delivering his catchphrase ‘It’s MY horse’ with monotone dullness and regularity. The horse looks like it’s on day leave from the circus with its flowing mane and perfect timing - hardly a ‘wild stallion’

You can see this playing well in a 1950s Saturday matinee but for me it was a dreadful throwback, with wooden acting and stilted dialogue. Throw in an unlikable lead and a charisma free horse and you’ve got the longest 70 minutes you’ll ever endure. Where’s the Tesco value range when you need it?

Best Bit : My, Top Kick is a boy horse isn’t he?
W rating 6/23

No. 158 : Witchboard (1986)

Witchboard at the IMDb

Next up is ‘Witchboard’ a film you may have seen gathering dust on your video shop shelf unaware that it’s actually spawned a few sequels, none of which will darken the door of the ‘W’ Movies Quest. That’s not to say the original is terrible but it’s far fetched premise wears thin half way through this one so gawd knows what part four is offering.

The film should in fact be called ‘Ouijaboard’ as it has nothing to do with witches and everything to do with that staple of teenage parties where everyone has heard of but never seen flying wine glasses and shit. Shit is the worst of course, terrible stains.

Anyway, the film opens with a party for some douche bag 30 somethings with a bit of tension in the air between two men who used to be friends but now are bitter rivals after falling out over Tawny Kitaen - perfectly understandable. One chap with blow dried hair is a total tit and goes to parties armed with a ouija board as a way to get chicks or get out of dancing, it isn’t really explained. He goes into some tale about a dead boy named David whom he has regular chats, presumably when Mother Palm and her five daughters are all tired out.

He summons the spirit and after a few questions the sprite gets understandably bored and causes a bit of damage before disappearing - wish I’d thought of that one post 1985 party! We hope that’s it, but of course it isn’t and the bad boy David starts a murderous rampage that sees a few deaths, a possession and a killer shower.

After ouijaing him back to stop his pocket money our hero is shocked to learn that David isn’t the bad spirit and the true demon is some serial killer dude who lived in their house before. With him using Tawny as a portal the now reunited friends set off to save the day; but their conclusions may be as rubbish as their friendly sprite’s spelling.

This is an easy film to pick nits with what with its terrible acting and dreadful dialogue but I actually quite enjoyed it. It wasn’t played entirely straight with a few wacky characters such as Zarabeth the medium thrown in for a few laughs and a quick despatch. The script is truly awful however with some of the most preposterous lines you’ll ever hear spoken with a straight face.

It doesn’t help that the lead is a poor man’s David Cassidy but to his credit he maintains his douchey character throughout. His pal, the failed and bitter doctor, is little better but at least he is the one voice of reason, joining every viewer in a chorus of ‘what a load of rubbish’ every time a daft utterance is made.

The possession angle was reasonable well played out with a couple of minor surprises thrown in to keep you guessing. The denouement where the titular board takes a few slugs underlines the tongue in cheek aspects of the film as does the closing shot that basically confirms the sequel is shooting straight after lunch.

Overall the film is a decent ride with a heady mix of murder, the supernatural and a friendly demonic shower that send our favourite cast member running for her towel. By no means great but at least it won’t leave you board. Ja?

Best Bit : Ooh that’s a bit hot
‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No.35 : War, Inc. (2008)

War Inc. at the IMDb

In the near future the American government puts the fighting of its wars out to private tender. When a local politician, for some reason called ‘Omar Sharif’, upsets their plans a middle eastern country, troubled hit man Brand Hauser is sent over to take him out.

Clearly things can’t be that simple so Brand is given the cover of an Expo organiser where he has to juggle the attentions of a precocious pop star (Hilary Duff) and an investigative reporter, Marisa Tomei. Brand has issues of his own that need the regular attention of his stroppy PR (sister Joan - again), his shrink and his suitcase full of hot sauce.

Things develop somewhat as he begins to doubt his motivations and gets conflicting emotions for the women in his life. All the while sinister forces are at work, all of which may affect the bottom line.





Despite a stellar cast that also includes the likes of Dan Ackroyd and Ben Kingsley this film had a ‘DVD Premiere’ in the US and it’s not hard to see why. Although some of the blurb describes it as a ‘satire’ it’d be more accurate to say ‘here is the war in Iraq through our Liberal viewpoint’. From the Halliburton like conglomerate orchestrating the war to the PR spin put on the news, not a obvious target is missed and then battered into nothingness with a sledgehammer.




Having Cusack as a hit man with his sister looking after his back is as lazy casting as you can imagine and why it wasn’t called ‘Grosse Point Blank 2’ can only be attributable to its complete lack of laughs, spirit or ‘80s soundtrack.

The big reveal at the end was pretty obvious as was Ben Kingley’s fate after we saw him in flashback getting squashed. They should have brought him back in the style of the real Omar Sharif in ‘Top Secret!’, but that would have been too funny and not preachy enough for this self righteous twaddle.


Best Bit : Kissy face with Marisa
‘W’ Score 11/23

No.32 : Wanted (2008)

Wanted at the IMDb

‘Wanted’ is a 2008 film based on the comic book series of the same name by former 2000ad scribe Mark Millar. Prior to going to the cinema to watch ‘Wanted’ I read all the comics in one night and they left me eagerly awaiting the film. The comic sees a young office drone learn that he is the son of a super villain and plots his progress to the pinnacle of the underworld. The comic is populated with horrific murders and mental villains and although I knew it’d be toned down for the film I felt the premise was ripe for a top notch Hollywood outing.

Sadly it wasn’t to be. Apart from a couple of lines lifted intact from the comic and the general framework of the story, very little of the source remains. James McAvoy plays Wesley who learns of his father’s secret identity and is inducted into an assassins’ guild who take their orders form a loom of destiny. This loom, by way of its weave patterns, indicates who is to be bumped off by our mysterious cadre of weaver assassins. No one seems to question this ridiculous set up, possibly because it’s administered by the reverential Morgan Freeman, who deserves an award for keeping a straight face whilst delivering some laughable dialogue.




In a ‘Rocky’ style montage sequence our man is trained up in the arts of getting a kicking from a bloke off ‘Hustle’ and bending bullets around Angelina Jolie. Pretty soon he is on a mission but with some reservations and a rogue assassin on his case. Questions about who are the good guys and who’s running the loom keep the interest level ticking over but in general it’s throwaway stuff.



Of course this isn’t an exercise in cerebral film making and it certainly delivers its promise of action, stunts and elaborate kills. The special effects, that mostly involve car crashes and magic bullets, are all dripping with CGI but if you disengage your brain and drink up the spectacle you won’t be disappointed.

Best Bit : Angelina’s ass

‘W’ Rating : 16/23

No.24 : Welcome To Mooseport (2004)

Welcome to Mooseport at the IMDb

Small town Mooseport, Maine is excited when outgoing two time President Monroe ‘Eagle ‘Cole chooses to live there following his messy divorce from the posh one out of ‘Mamma Mia’. So star struck are the local town council that they ask him to replace their recently deceased mayor. Cole agrees as he feel the magnanimous gesture can only help his lucrative book and lecture deals. Unbeknown to all, local plumber ‘Handy’ Harrison had also applied for the post meaning an election is needed.

Handy agrees that a high profile mayor would be good for the town and is about to step down when he sees the President wooing his on off girlfriend, Sally. The pair then engage in an escalating battle of dirty to tricks to win the election and then to lose it when they both realise that it isn’t worth the effort. After a frankly exhausting and unfunny campaign the votes are about to be counted and there’s not going to be much in it.





With the talent on show here it can’t fail to be a top notch comedy, but fail it does in desperate fashion. The idea of a David versus Goliath battle was a decent one and they could even have made some points on the cult of celebrity and local values ahead of unrealistic aspirations. Instead it was a bit twee with nice guy Handy (Ray Romano) singularly unengaging on any level. I’ve never watched his sitcom ‘Everyone Loves Raymond’ but on this evidence they only love him as he buys the do-nuts or something. He may be able to carry off a sitcom but he is no leading man, a point justified by his flop rich movie CV.

Gene Hackman is a bit better as the egotistical President but he doesn’t really do comedy as ‘Get Shorty’ proved, and as a love rival he simply wasn’t at the races. The ensemble cast also included the Fred Savage and Rip Torn who again do well in small screen comedies but lack the spark to carry a full 110 minutes (!) of comedy. Maura Tierney whom I liked in ‘Newsradio‘ is still a dish, but the love triangle was hopelessly imbalanced in her favour. Marcia Gay Harden has an underwritten role as an aide that defies belief with the final twist. Ah well at least everyone‘s happy - except the audience!

The film was as bloated as Gene’s belly and consisted of a never ending sequence of dull speeches and talking heads and show downs and tete a tetes. There were no big set pieces, just an endless cycle of minor set backs and weak twists. Understandably the film bombed at the box office and was cause enough for Gene Hackman to retire after its dismal showing. Romano hasn’t had a hit since and appears to have gone back to TV and cartoon voice overs - maybe he should run for mayor? He’d get my vote if he promised to stay away from the movies!

Best Bit : The golf match was least bad

‘W’ Score 10/23

No.23 :Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden? (2008)

Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? at the IMDb

Porn moustached and burger eating documentary maker Morgan Spurlock returns to find the titular bad guy and explore the motivations of those who are happy to lay down their lives for his cause.

The film opens with Morgan’s somewhat spurious reasons for going on an Osama hunt. His partner is pregnant and he wants to see what kind of world he’s bringing a child into. The more likely motivations of needing the cash and escaping a pregnant partner are not touched upon.


As in his previous documentary a potentially dry subject is dressed up with fancy graphics and sound bites lifted from TV shows. We see Morgan as a stop motion animation running around and then as a video game character, taking on Osama ‘Tekken’ style. I felt these bits were a touch self aggrandising, almost as if we should be chortling along as our good pal Morgan indulges himself. I wasn’t laughing and had more of a ‘what a self important prick’ kind of reaction.

The first part of the five part mission was the best as Morgan undergoes training to help in his mission. We learn how to deal with being kidnapped and how to survive a grenade attack. These sequences lead me into a false sense of security - I thought this would be a dangerous and exciting journey into the heart of darkness. But it wasn’t.

The next four sections are essentially the same as Morgan visits Egypt, Morocco, Afghanistan and Pakistan to ask the same questions and get the same shoulder shrugs in reply. To add a supposed element of humour Morgan dons full Arab dress and point blankedly asks scared locals of Osama’s whereabouts. Obviously they don’t know but we get a cheap laugh at intimidated foreigners, so that’s OK.

As the film draws to a close Morgan approaches the point of no return - will he enter Pakistan’s notorious tribal region to seek his quarry or will he scarper off home, having learned nothing?

It’s the second one.

This was a wasted 90 minutes for the viewer and a wasted opportunity. Morgan had cracking access to the military and the higher echelons of middle eastern government but delivered a puff piece that may serve well as a home movie for the Spurlock clan but no one else. His conclusion that we should win the “hearts and minds” of the people rather than pointlessly pursue terrorists was a real revelation - in 2004 when the US military appropriated the term.

Obviously he was never going to find Bin Laden, but so half hearted was this attempt that he’d of had as much success looking for him in his fridge and save us all some bother in the process.

Best Bit :Tough guy training school

‘W’ Rating : 9/23

No.22 : Westworld (1973)

Westworld at the IMDb

Westworld is a 1973 sci-fi adventure that see androids run amok at a futuristic theme park.

The film opens in annoying fashion with a faux TV commercial for the Delos resort that comprises the three ‘Worlds’ of Roman, Medieval and Western. A cynic may say these three worlds are fortunately similar to the sets an average movie studio would have lying around but that’s not me. The happy punters all extol the virtues of the resort in a sequence that runs for three whole minutes - at least two too many.

The film proper begins with our heroes on route to Westworld. Hunky James Brolin has been before and this time he’s taking along his wimpy pal Richard Benjamin, who’s getting over a divorce. They arrive in town and soon fall afoul of android Yul Brynner, who is a slightly paunchier version of himself in ‘The Magnificent Seven’. Of course things go to plan and our guys dispatch Yul and head off to the brothel - my kind of guys!

Throughout their adventure we also get several scenes of small things going awry, and the worried park manager asking the board for a shut down - fat chance. Inevitably things go badly wrong and the androids over come their programming to become killing machines. In an interesting twist it’s the more world wise Brolin who gets killed leaving his wimpy mate to take on the revitalised Yul on his own. For some reason the gun slinger toys with his prey and lets him lead us on a trip through all three resort worlds - well they put up the sets after all.

Unfortunately everyone, including the park staff, are dead and only fading batteries or some good old fashioned human ingenuity can save our man.

Despite its short comings I like ‘Westworld’ and it’s one of those films I always find myself watching to the end during its endless screenings on TCM. Although the tech with its whirling tape machines and bulk computers look dated it’s still a fun concept that’s well executed. Writer/director Michael Crichton liked it so much he ripped himself off when penning ‘Jurassic Park’.

It beggars belief that the park would allow the androids loaded guns, and the staff all dying due to sealed doors is plain daft. That aside it’s good fun to see people misbehave and we can only hope it becomes reality. Apart from all the killing naturally. I doubt however that if fully functional sex droids are developed people will sign up to $1000 a day Westworld - Blowjob World would have them out of business in ten minutes!

Best Bit : Yul’s relentless man hunt

‘W’ Score 17/23

No.19 : Watership Down (1978)

Watership Down at the IMDb

‘Watership Down’ is an 1978 animated British film about a bunch of rabbits looking for a new home. Don’t stop reading, it’s pretty good and entertaining stuff!

Fiver the rabbit is pretty special in the warren in that he sees the future - and it’s looking bad. Despite some previous successes the head rabbit isn’t keen to listen to his tales of impending doom and refuses to relocate the warren. Undaunted, Fiver and a few other rabbits leave the same night - past a big land redevelopment sign, showing us that he was right all along.



The rabbits embark on a perilous mission to find a new home, which I take to be Watership Down although it isn’t mentioned by name in the film. On the way they encounter some nasty rats, a bastard of a cat and hoards of evil rabbits with their own agenda. Luckily they find their way to their new home but there is just one problem, and for rabbits it’s a big one, no babes. Not willing to forego their ten times a night nookie they go back on the road in reach of some hot bunny bitches.

After in ill fated attempt to free some caged does from a farm they have to try and persuade some to leave the warren of the dreaded General, using only their wits and the assistance of a jive talking sea gull.


I quite enjoyed seeing this again after a break of about 20 years. The animation is pretty basic, with set backgrounds and an economy of motion. The voice work from the likes of Richard Briers and John Hurt is first rate and they do give the rabbit’s a lot of personality. That said the seagull was really annoying and I was disappointed to see him survive at the end.

It was a lot less grisly than I remember with only a few blood soaked deaths to speak of. I could have done without some of the more surreal fantasy moments involving the Black rabbit, but all in all it was good stuff with ‘Bright Eyes’ still a great tune.

Best Bit : Uh-oh here comes the General!

‘W’ Score 16/23

No.18 : Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the IMDb

Although the book and the Tim Burton remake were called ‘Charlie and the Chocolate factory’ this 1971 version went with ‘Willy Wonka’ as the producers thought that their dim audience may think the ’Charlie’ referred to the Viet-Cong. And we’re glad they did as it means this holiday TV staple qualifies for the list.



The well known plot concerns Charlie, a boy so poor that the church mice had a whip ‘round for him. He lives with his parents and four grandparents in a run down shack in a town with no apparent social services. When local candy baron and recluse Willy Wonka issues five golden tickets for a factory visit we just know that Charlie’s luck will be in. And, after a couple of misfires, it is.

Charlie is joined by various stereotypes for the factory trip and watches in horror as each is dispatched in a cunning fashion and to an annoying song. Soon only Charlie is left but can he win over the mood shifting sweet king to win the ultimate prize?





It’s almost compulsory to have seen this film and despite knowing it backwards it was no chore to see it again. Forget Johnny Depp’s wimpy and introverted interpretation what we get here is the real deal, straight from the book in the form of Gene Wilder giving his best performance ever if you exclude ‘Blazing saddles’ and ‘Stir Crazy’. His Wonka is an evil bastard with no mercy and a penchant for child abuse. No not that sort, more the feeding them to squirrels kind.



The sets are cracking and more evocative than the ones in the big budget remake. You also get better Oompa-loompas for your money and better songs to boot.

To be hyper-critical I’d say the preamble before the factory visit is over long - we know he’s finding a ticket - hurry up! Some of the songs, notably Wilder’s, are a bit sentimental and as a singer he makes a great Waco Kid.

I did like the realisations of Roald Dahl’s mad candies and the casting of the evil, rival candy baron who turns out to be nice, so no nightmares there kids. The spoilt children are well cast and despite having seen both versions of the story several times it’s the original brats that first come to mind. The Charlie however is less good being all blond and floppy like a proto Hugh Grant.

The few faults I’ve mentioned shouldn’t put you off a great dark fairy tale that the adults will enjoy as much as the kids are creeped out.

Best Bit : Fat Fecker In Fudge fall

‘W’ Rating : 17/23

No.15 : Weekend At Bernie’s (1989)

Weekend at Bernie's at the IMDb

‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ is a high concept low laughs comedy from 1989. Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman play a couple of slackers who work at Bernie’s life insurance company and dream of the high life. When they discover a scam they report to Bernie who unknown to them is the perpetrator, in league with a clichéd version of the Mafia. Bernie plans to kill the hapless duo at his beach home, but the Mob have similar designs on Bernie, who they feel is a liability.

Bernie gets killed in short order in a throwaway scene and is found by our heroes, who realise that by pretending he’s alive they can still enjoy his hospitality and steal his watch. When they discover Bernie’s plan for their own demise, including their own faked suicide note, they have to up their game to avoid a hopeless hit man and to clear their names.

I like a bit of bad taste as much as the next pervert but even I thought this film to be a bit grubby and tasteless. Any laughs the film offers are all wringed out of the fact that one of the participants is dead. No mentions are made of self evacuations or rigor mortis, instead they get busy with corpse mutilation like stapling his wig onto his head and taking him water skiing. Add to this the fact that they are stealing all his stuff and you certainly aren’t endeared to the leads or care for their situation.

The idea that all Bernie’s hangers on don’t know or care that he’s dead as long as the champagne flows is overdone and unbelievable. Add to that the general laddish behaviour employed by the main duo such as wrecking the harbour and you just think that they’re a pair of ass holes who deserve a good slapping. A romantic subplot involving a co-worker is tacked on but it’s as believable as the rest of the nonsense.

I did quite like the hit man who kept killing Bernie only to see him resurrected the next day. It wasn’t so much funny, as laughable to see his over the top reactions and eye rubbing. Unbelievably a sequel to this mess was made, with Bernie resurrected by Voodoo magic, and I only hope I can dig up 100 ‘W’ films before I have to face that. Flogging a dead horse maybe but a dead body?

Best Bit : Lots of bikini babes to take you mind off the 'action'.

‘W’ Score : 6/23

100 'W' Films - The Challenge Begins. Soon.

Why ‘W’? Why 100? Why bother? Well I do enjoy a random challenge, and my recent assault on the IMDb250 showed me just how many unearthed movie gems there are out there. This challenge will be similar but doesn’t have the safety net of the films being well rated.



I don’t know if the casual browser will think of this challenge as being easy or hard but I’ll tell you - it’s quite hard. Looking through my own records I could find only about 35 films out of almost 1000 that had a ‘W’ title. Trawling the net I was able to work up a list of about 90 but even that meant scraping the barrel somewhat.



Once you have a list of sorts the main problem is one of availability. Checking the week’s TV schedule found a weedy four and it’s unlikely that my DVD rental emporium will have ‘White Nights’ with Mikhail Baryshnikov any time soon. I shall however track them down for you dear reader and give you a quick plot summary and a few musings. Each film will get a ‘W’ rating out of 23 and I’ll try and stick up the odd picture or two as well.



The deadline for this challenge is 6th March 2009 the release date of the planned 100th ‘W’ film - ‘Watchmen’.



Are we all on board and strapped in? No? Well hurry up as we’ll have to start soon to stay on schedule.