No.320 : What About Dick? (2012)

What About Dick? at the IMDb

I chanced upon this one on Netflix and thought I’d unearthed a gem given the stellar cast, but alas it was a rough in the rough.

The film is a live performance in the style of a 1940’s radio play complete with a man making all the special effects noises. A partisan L.A. audience laps it up but I didn’t laugh at all, at the puerile humour which is usually my thing.

Eric Idle wrote and starred in the film and plays a piano which charts the decline of the British Empire. He’s not a piano, but wears a piano key tie so that we remember he is the constant who relates and narrates the story whilst the cast ham it up as various characters.

The plot is wafer thin and serves only to get a few songs in as well as barrels of innuendo and funny voices. Tracey Ullman was probably the best value doing good voice work and clearly getting into the spirit of things. You also get Jane Leeves and Big Suze as a pair of sisters and Russell Brand as the titular Dick who manages to make the part his own, in his usual style.

You also get Eddie Izzard as an Indian manufacturer of rubber dildos and Billy Connolly as a police inspector cum private eye who has a lisping voice that he at least finds very funny. You also get Tim Curry and Jim Piddock who mostly just do funny voices and patch the whole thing together.

A couple of the songs were decent but the whole thing just seemed awfully lazy with characters called ‘Bastard’ and Dickhead’ for example. There were also old jokes on parade with the Indian Regiment called ‘The First Foot & Mouth’ © ‘Carry on up the Khyber’ and someone saying ‘I opened the door in my pyjamas - why was there a door in my pyjamas?’ - yawn.

The runtime of 80 minutes may seem short but it does drag on once you get an idea of the humour and writing on show. It’s a great cast who are clearly enjoying themselves; it’s just a shame they didn’t invite the viewer along.

Brand and Connolly were unintelligible in places and you have to wonder what the American audience made of them. Funny eccentrics I guess, but I was cringing at the mirth free and faintly embarrassing wacky antics on show.

It may have been a good night out after a few beers but as a Netflix offering it fell flat with a lot of the seemingly period humour already dated - Berlesconi ‘bunga bunga’ references anyone? Actually it would probably have been painful to see live as a lot of transitions were added in to show flashbacks as well as caption cards, which suggested the whole thing was edited down to afford the audience at home a small measure of mercy.

For me this was a self indulgent and unfunny mess that offered no laughs, but if you want to see some of your favourite comedians ham it up, fill your boots. You’ll just never convince me that saying ‘dick’ as a euphemism for ‘penis’ 200 times qualifies as entertainment.

Best Bit : Not Russell Brand’s Dick ‘W’ Rating  8/23

No.297 : Wingman Inc. (2015)

Wingman Inc. at the IMDb

The battle of the sexes is explored, or at least brushed over in this lacklustre, alleged comedy.

For some reason the titles have photos of the cast as children which then morph into their current, non-recognisable personas. Our hero Bobby is a dog psychiatrist which involves him talking to a dog on his sofa. He gets a call from his landlord seeking his rent and he announces to no one that he has loads of debts. He does have prospects however, in the shape of a night out with his friends and his plan to propose to his long term girlfriend.

The night out with the friends finishes early as he finds them both hook-ups, foreshadowing the rest of the film. Bobby is so nice and non-threatening he can convince women to cop off with his sleazy friends. His world falls apart however when his girlfriend rejects his proposal and leaves the restaurant with another man.

Sunk into depression we meet up with Bobby 3 months later on the sofa with his stoner flat mate. He has a comedy beard and his pals think he needs to get back out there - especially as they haven’t gotten laid in like three months. Meanwhile in reaction to sleazy men chatting up women in bars a lady has started a service designed to send men away, mainly by suggesting they have small dicks.

Bobby’s friends are happy to pay his rent if he finds them women and they convince him that setting up a Wingman business would be a better use of is time than being a doggie shrink. With two opposing businesses in view, Bobby and the lady inevitably meet when she brings her anxious dog for therapy. What will happen when they find out that they are at opposite ends of the dating spectrum and will the spark that is developing between them become something special?

This was a terrible cheap and nasty film that was well dated in its attitudes and set dressing. Clearly here was no budget at all with the ‘bar’ being a curtain, a poster and a couple of chairs. It looked like a student film in places and wasn’t helped by cack handed direction and editing.

There were no laughs at all with some of it downright offensive - women called lesbians for not falling at our mens’ feet for example. The men were all ass holes but the women were all nasty bitches too, so there was no one to root for.

The whole ‘Wingman’ premise was dubious with our hero basically being a whoremaster and pimp. The lead was as wet as an otter’s pocket and like a poor man’s Jim Halpert. I didn’t manage to spot one good performance, apart from the dog that managed to yawn on cue.

Overall this ‘comedy’ didn’t raise a smile and, as social commentary, you’d get a more balanced view from re runs of ‘The Benny Hill Show’. The ‘will they - won’t they?’ romance was plain tiresome and the ‘growth’ around emotional maturity and respecting others was just irritating.

At least the film closed with 'funny' outtakes running over the credits - Good of them to let us know that there was at least some footage not worthy of the final cut,

Best Bit - Taking the Library Books Back Late ‘W’ Rating 7/23

No.197 : Wholly Moses (1980)

Wholly Moses at the IMDb

Dudley Moore stars in this alleged religious comedy that boasts a few star cameos but lacks any laughs whatsoever.

We open with a bus tour of the Holy Land with Moore recovering from recent heartbreak. He talks to a girl and helps find her hat when it blows off. Needless to say it blows into a cave and they find a lost gospel - ‘The Book of Herschel’. As luck would have it Moore is an expert in ancient languages and as he reads the script we dissolve into the past where his words are acted out. All that in the first five minutes - we’re not talking a bout a slow burning labyrinth plot here!

The first bible tale to be lampooned is a lift from ‘Life of Brian’ with Hershel almost having the life that Moses had. As baby Moses is set adrift on his boat made from reeds another child is similarly dispatched. While Moses is found by a princess Hershel is brought up by a family nearby with his own father acting a a slave so he can keep watch. Not surprisingly the baby grows up to be Dudley Moore - the man has range! - and he haplessly finds his way up the social order. In one massively familiar scene a group of conspirators say ‘we need a real idiot to do the job’ just as Moore sticks his head through the curtains. We all saw that one coming! I think it was even old in biblical times!

What follows are risible scenes where Moore, as the Royal Astronomer, talks at length with a jive talking pharaoh who for some reason is a black teenager. He also acts as food tester but sadly the poison is not present. He later survives a massive battle with literally several troops on either side. The disconnected scenes are interlinked by Moore’s tiresome narration and the whole enterprise seems solely geared to shoehorning in as many B list celebrities as possible - oh look there’s Dom Deluise.

Wee Dud is then cast out into the desert and soon gets a job as a shepherd. He meets a beautiful girl - it’s her from the bus! - and is annoyed at having to keep up with the Moseses. His big chance comes when he stumbles across Moses getting his instructions from the burning bush and thinks the mission is for him. He sets off to Egypt to free the slaves and starts to believe he can perform miracles due to other unrelated events such as thinking he can part waters due to a dam being built upstream. If it started bad it gets worse as the curing of the unwilling beggar from ‘Life of Brian’ is performed in full.

As Dud nears the end of the ancient script you have to wonder why his agent didn’t throw the movie version straight in the bin. It’s not just that it totally unoriginal and devoid of any wit or merit it’s just so lazy and obvious that it’d be an insult to an ‘The Only Way is Essex’ viewer. Dudley has never laid claim to being a great actor but he’s basically just himself in both timelines. This can be funny if it’s a big and engaging personality but he’s not funny and can’t carry a small bucket never mind the whole film.

The script is appalling with loads of bible references piled up alongside jokes on the ass = bottom scale of funniness. The production values are also poor with California ‘doubling’ for the Holy Land. This is done with a couple of matte paintings and some costumes that look like they’ll be due back at the fancy dress shop by 5pm.

As you may have gathered ‘Wholly Moses’ was a god-awful mess and perhaps God should have rested on the day this was excreted out too. © Spinal tap.

Best Bit : The orgy of soddom was remarkably tame but we’ll take what we can get. 7/21

No.185 : Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins (2008)

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins at the IMDb

Martin Lawrence stars in this alleged comedy as a successful talk show host who has to reassess his priorities when he returns to the family home and reengages with his relatives. It’s basically a fish out of water scenario rolled up with some issues and knowing that family is more important than money. So far so very righteous but is there something to be salvaged from this worthy premise? Not much!

Lawrence runs his chat show as ‘Dr RJ Taylor' and dispenses homely wisdom to his brawling guests. He’s engaged to a beautiful lady who has just won ‘Survivor’ and confident in his life of luxury and comfort. We can tell where the bar is set early on when he shows up for his plane in a white suit and orders a red wine - guess the rest! With is suit ruined and luggage lost he’s immediately out of his comfort zone and cheap laughs are gained as he has to wear a succession of gaudy outfits.

Things deteriorate as he meets up with his wise-cracking brother, complete with the afro comb stuck in his hair. The brother is meant to have an easy charm to offset RJ’s stiffness but he just comes across as an annoying prick. We learn that ‘Dr RJ Taylor’ is the Roscoe Jenkins of the title and that he’s trying to escape the humble roots that he’s now returning to.

His superior attitude is immediately pricked by his father James Earl Jones and his other siblings including the late Michael Clarke Duncan who kicks his ass whenever possible. The rest of the weekend contains all the predictable sequences such as a softball game and treasure hunt where our man is cast down from his ivory tower and forced to consider what is really important in life. That along with an endless succession of people getting hit by stuff, dog rape and fart jokes.

We learn that Roscoe regrets not hooking up with his high school sweetheart and that the ‘Survivor’ girlfriend is not that nice, as she’s conniving to snare her man like she's still on the show. Will Roscoe’s materialistic approach be forgotten for what is truly valuable and will he end up with the slightly plainer prom queen or the bitchy game show contestant? Probably the latter but you never know. Well maybe you do…

OK I’m not the target market for this film with its 99% black cast but I’m multi-cultural and can appreciate a well crafted character piece that examines family life and the assembling of wealth over other priorities - but this isn’t it. People getting hit in the balls and food fights are low brow in any culture and the wafer thin character arc for Lawrence made for an unengaging two hours.

The third act where Lawrence leaves his son behind to win an obstacle race while being cheered on by his bitch girlfriend to be greeted by his sad family and poignant musical cues was cringe worthy beyond belief. A talk with Dad flagged the inevitable Road to Damascus conversion and as Lawrence’s wardrobe improved you knew things were going to be all right.

It was a good cast and, despite some slapstick that was out of kilter with the overall tone of the film, there were some things to like. Sadly these were remote islands in a sea of mawkish sentimentality and the long-awaited payoff couldn’t be more predictable if it was set in red lights before the credits.

Best Bit :  Personal topiary wins the day
‘W’ Score - 8/23

No.36 : Who Made the Potatoe Salad? (2006)

Who Made the Potatoe Salad?


Sorry pedants everywhere, that’s really the correct spelling of the title. I don’t know why, unless they are implying that the person posing the question can’t spell, but the issue is never raised in the film, although the identity of the potato salad creator is requested.

I’d be frankly amazed if anyone reading this has heard of, never mind seen this film. I found it on a random trawl through the internet and managed to find an unloved and clearly unwatched copy.

The film stars Jaleel White, who seemingly is the ‘Urkel’ Homer Simpson talks about, as a policeman in San Diego. He isn't good at his job, losing a pair of criminals and his trousers in the opening sequence. Things are looking up however, as he plans to propose to his infeasibly beautiful girlfriend. After accepting the girl invites him to her parents’ for Thanksgiving so that he can get permission from her father.

Predictably the visit is a disaster for both our man, Michael, and the viewing public who have to watch over an hour of humourless housebound ‘hilarity’. Michael’s fiancée has a family full of stereotypes from the cranky dad who hates cops to her pimpy drug dealing brother. Various fissures open up from Michael’s reluctance to eating pork to him having a boner at breakfast.

Hoping to salvage the situation Michael stages a fake burglary so that he can save the day. Unfortunately for the burglar, the family get to him first and beat the crap out of him. With his deceit exposed Michel is expelled from the family home and sent home in disgrace. Can the obstinate Dad be turned around and can the marriage proposal get back on tracks?

This was a gawd awful car crash of a movie. It’s basically a sub-par black version of ‘Meet the Parents’ only without the laughs but with more racial slurs. N-bombs are dropped all over the place with virtually all the black cast being shown as stupid and prejudiced. If the script had been written by the Klan I wouldn't have been surprised.

I'm sure the humour was ironic and playing on the stereotypes used but it was handled so poorly that it just looks like a load of offensive trash. The characters were so thinly drawn they were transparent and the only time I laughed was when someone got stuck to a sofa that had been covered in plastic. My bad, I know. It’s not that I don’t like this sort of humour with ‘I’m Gonna Git You Sucka’ one of my favourites, it’s just that this was a lazy, pale imitation of something half decent and worthwhile.

The title ,for some unknown reason, came from a sequence at a family dinner where Michael enquired about the maker of the potato salad. In reply came a two minute salvo of abuse and swearing and I’ve no idea why. Is it a black thing? I doubt it, what I do know is that it was an unfunny thing.


Best Bit : Eddie Griffin shows up, on tape, but is sadly all sweary and laugh free.

‘W’ Score 5/23

No.35 : War, Inc. (2008)

War Inc. at the IMDb

In the near future the American government puts the fighting of its wars out to private tender. When a local politician, for some reason called ‘Omar Sharif’, upsets their plans a middle eastern country, troubled hit man Brand Hauser is sent over to take him out.

Clearly things can’t be that simple so Brand is given the cover of an Expo organiser where he has to juggle the attentions of a precocious pop star (Hilary Duff) and an investigative reporter, Marisa Tomei. Brand has issues of his own that need the regular attention of his stroppy PR (sister Joan - again), his shrink and his suitcase full of hot sauce.

Things develop somewhat as he begins to doubt his motivations and gets conflicting emotions for the women in his life. All the while sinister forces are at work, all of which may affect the bottom line.





Despite a stellar cast that also includes the likes of Dan Ackroyd and Ben Kingsley this film had a ‘DVD Premiere’ in the US and it’s not hard to see why. Although some of the blurb describes it as a ‘satire’ it’d be more accurate to say ‘here is the war in Iraq through our Liberal viewpoint’. From the Halliburton like conglomerate orchestrating the war to the PR spin put on the news, not a obvious target is missed and then battered into nothingness with a sledgehammer.




Having Cusack as a hit man with his sister looking after his back is as lazy casting as you can imagine and why it wasn’t called ‘Grosse Point Blank 2’ can only be attributable to its complete lack of laughs, spirit or ‘80s soundtrack.

The big reveal at the end was pretty obvious as was Ben Kingley’s fate after we saw him in flashback getting squashed. They should have brought him back in the style of the real Omar Sharif in ‘Top Secret!’, but that would have been too funny and not preachy enough for this self righteous twaddle.


Best Bit : Kissy face with Marisa
‘W’ Score 11/23

No.24 : Welcome To Mooseport (2004)

Welcome to Mooseport at the IMDb

Small town Mooseport, Maine is excited when outgoing two time President Monroe ‘Eagle ‘Cole chooses to live there following his messy divorce from the posh one out of ‘Mamma Mia’. So star struck are the local town council that they ask him to replace their recently deceased mayor. Cole agrees as he feel the magnanimous gesture can only help his lucrative book and lecture deals. Unbeknown to all, local plumber ‘Handy’ Harrison had also applied for the post meaning an election is needed.

Handy agrees that a high profile mayor would be good for the town and is about to step down when he sees the President wooing his on off girlfriend, Sally. The pair then engage in an escalating battle of dirty to tricks to win the election and then to lose it when they both realise that it isn’t worth the effort. After a frankly exhausting and unfunny campaign the votes are about to be counted and there’s not going to be much in it.





With the talent on show here it can’t fail to be a top notch comedy, but fail it does in desperate fashion. The idea of a David versus Goliath battle was a decent one and they could even have made some points on the cult of celebrity and local values ahead of unrealistic aspirations. Instead it was a bit twee with nice guy Handy (Ray Romano) singularly unengaging on any level. I’ve never watched his sitcom ‘Everyone Loves Raymond’ but on this evidence they only love him as he buys the do-nuts or something. He may be able to carry off a sitcom but he is no leading man, a point justified by his flop rich movie CV.

Gene Hackman is a bit better as the egotistical President but he doesn’t really do comedy as ‘Get Shorty’ proved, and as a love rival he simply wasn’t at the races. The ensemble cast also included the Fred Savage and Rip Torn who again do well in small screen comedies but lack the spark to carry a full 110 minutes (!) of comedy. Maura Tierney whom I liked in ‘Newsradio‘ is still a dish, but the love triangle was hopelessly imbalanced in her favour. Marcia Gay Harden has an underwritten role as an aide that defies belief with the final twist. Ah well at least everyone‘s happy - except the audience!

The film was as bloated as Gene’s belly and consisted of a never ending sequence of dull speeches and talking heads and show downs and tete a tetes. There were no big set pieces, just an endless cycle of minor set backs and weak twists. Understandably the film bombed at the box office and was cause enough for Gene Hackman to retire after its dismal showing. Romano hasn’t had a hit since and appears to have gone back to TV and cartoon voice overs - maybe he should run for mayor? He’d get my vote if he promised to stay away from the movies!

Best Bit : The golf match was least bad

‘W’ Score 10/23