No.52 : Wheels of Terror (1987)

Wheels of Terror at the IMDb

All you fans of Ollie Reed out there have no doubt tracked down this film and been disappointed by it. Despite featuring prominently on the poster he doesn't show up until there are only 7 minutes left and slurs his way through half a dozen lines at most. No doubt he was only on set for one day but what the hell let’s stick him on the box and lure a few suckers in.

This film from 1987 is truly awful despite a well known cast and good source material - it was based on the book of the same name by Sven Hassel. The film is set in the latter stages of WW2 and an American sounding voice over man tells us that the Furher has started ‘Penal Battalions’ for dangerous missions - a bit of a Nazi ‘Dirty Dozen’ if you like. The motley crew have a few scraps before they bond after a dust up in a brothel.

Evil Colonel David Carradine has a mission for them - blow up a Russian supply train 150 miles behind enemy lines and they can have some time off and have their records cleared. Our guys set off, first having to steal explosives from the dozy Soviets before heading to the train depot in Red Army gear. After a brief encounter with a group of deserters from both sides and sexes they head off to blow up the oldest and smallest train you’ll ever see.

The initial attempt is a failure but can they succeed and at what cost? Will the Colonel keep his word and will there be anyone left for Ollie to pin a medal on?

This is a strange film - most of the cast is American yet they are all badly dubbed. I can only imagine the film was shot in English for the foreign market and then dubbed. Seeing how great it was someone must have then re-dubbed it back into English using mostly different voices. Crazy!

The film looks totally false and nothing like the Eastern Front it’s supposed to portray. The bright sunny days are a clue that we are not in Russia and it was no surprise to learn that the whole thing was actually shot in Yugoslavia. In 5 days. Probably.

I remembered some of the characters from the book like Porta and Tiny but they were nothing like the blood thirsty criminals I remembered. The lead is the guy who got filled with water in ’X-Men’ and he’s ably assisted by the leader of the Rogues out of ’The Warriors’. ’Script come out to play ay ay’ he should have said.

David Carradine is obviously miscast as the baddie German being of Eastern decent as he is. No one seems to notice but they are probably all mesmerised by his fake scar and funny, oh so tough, lines. The cheapness of the whole production is apparent throughout with the same tanks used for both sides with justification lines such as ‘they've stolen our tank let’s steal it back’ used to repel suspicious viewers. You also see nothing destroyed, with direct hits being nothing more than some petrol set alight on the tank’s bonnet.

The bottom line is that this film is rubbish with nothing to recommend it. It shamelessly cashes in of some star names who have little input to the actual film, and is so bad and unrealistic in places that it’s almost funny. But not quite.

Best Bit :Ollie as the mean General raises a smile

‘W’ Score 5/23

No.51 : Wagons East (1994)

Wagons East at the IMDb

Before we begin a word on the title. Although the poster has it as ‘Wagons East!’ the title card on the film doesn't have the exclamation mark. I’ll go with what the movie says and attribute the exclamation mark to an over zealous marketing man who may have thought that the added bit of punctuation would suggest extra zest and excitement. He was wrong.

‘Wagons East’ is notorious, both for being a bad comedy and for being John Candy’s last film - he died on location and his scenes had to be re-cut or finished with a stand in before the film was excreted by the studio.

The film opens with the familiar western map, but sadly, unlike ‘Bonanza’ it doesn't catch fire and give us all an early night. The frontier town of Prosperity has a few disgruntled citizens. John C. McGinley’s gay bookseller can only attract customers for toilet paper and Richard Lewis’ cattle baron aspirations are being thwarted by bare faced rustlers. After sharing their concerns with other bar patrons they decide to head back east - if they get a sign from god. This is duly delivered in the shape of an east pointing weather cock and a collapsing John Candy, who was foretelling his own fate without knowing it.

The feeble group, who include the town’s well covered prostitute, abandon their town the next day to begin their perilous journey. Their choice of guide in Candy is quickly questioned when he gets them lost and then sets up camp in the dark in what turns out to be an Indian village.

Meanwhile the corrupt railroad chief is unhappy - this exodus back east may endanger his fat grants to extend the line. With this in mind he dispatches his best hit man to disrupt the group and as a back up plan enlists the help of the US cavalry. In predictable Wile E Coyote fashion the hit man is caught in all of his own traps and even the Indians help our clan, seeing the exodus as a way of reclaiming their own lands.

As the ends draws close a previously forgetful trail member recalls Candy’s shady past, just as the cavalry are sent in to repel the traitorous reverse pioneers.

I tried really hard to like this film, bearing in mind its history and top ensemble cast. Sadly I couldn’t - its stinky reputation is well deserved. The first concern, and with a comedy it’s a big one, is that there are no laughs at all. There are loads of fart and pissing jokes as well as pratfalls and slapstick. None of them are funny - they don’t sit well and are heralded a mile off. Richard Lewis, who is always Larry David’s whiny pal on ’Curb Your Enthusiasm’ to me is totally miscast as a pioneer doctor . John C. McGinley, who I normally like, is cringey as the overtly gay bookseller complete with a fancy wagon and stylish line in frontier tea sets.

Candy himself is a pale shadow of his ‘Uncle Buck’ persona but is given nothing to work with. The revelation that he lead the cannibalistic Donner party is as believable as some of the later scenes where Candy is replaced by a blurry guy shot at distance. This is the ‘”two orange whips” guy for Christsakes and here we have him dying a death, sadly literally, talking a lot of unfunny rot and killing a poor horse by sitting on it.

After ‘Blazing Saddles’ it’s obviously hard to do a non-derivative comedy western but surely someone somewhere should have looked at the script and though ‘Hmm, jokes would be a good idea’. A sad end for John Candy but at least no one will remember him for this unfunny, poorly made gag free zone of an effort.

Best Bit : Get back to you on that.

‘W’ Score 5/23

No.49 : Woman in the Dunes (Suna no onna) (1964)

Woman in the Dunes at the IMDb

This 1964, black and white film in Japanese may not be everyone’s cup of sake but it is well worth a look, and certainly something different.

A Japanese bug collector decides to spend his three day holiday scouring the sand dunes of a remote area in the hope of going fame as the discoverer of a new species. Big mistake! When he misses his last bus home some friendly villagers suggest he stays over with them. He is slightly surprised when he is ushered down a rope ladder in the dark, and even more so when the ladder is gone next morning.

He finds that he has been left in a shack, in a big hole, in the desert with only a naked widow for company. Sounds like a good deal? Not really when you find she’s a bit mental and that you have to dig sand for food. The man initially tries to escape, using some elaborate ruses and eventually gets free only to fall into quicksand and be recaptured. The villagers believe that if the shack gets swallowed by the desert they‘ll be next, and they also have a sideline in selling the sand to construction companies, despite its inferior quality.

After a while Mr Bug succumbs to his situation and begins to mine sand and plough the woman. When he sets a trap for a crow, so that he can use it to send a message, he inadvertently finds a way to gather water - can this discovery help the villagers in their plight?

When the woman falls pregnant the rope ladder is left by the villagers who have taken her to a doctor. Will our man escape or has he become institutionalised?

The premise here is ripe for nit picking but to do so would be missing the point. Of course the idea of living in a shack in a hole in the dunes is ludicrous, as is mining sand when you live in a desert. I won’t go into the metaphors employed, but basically you have a man in a desperate situation having to carry out pointless tasks. The sand itself is relentless like time and the man has to make the best of his bad lot. Basically if you are married and in a job you’ll appreciate what’s going on!

The film is really hypnotic, with dialogue sparse and a jangly soundtrack that fills in the blanks. The sand is of course a major player and it is shot so well and so differently that you feel that it is a character in its own right. The man’s plight is so frustrating and ultimately pointless that you can’t help but be drawn in.

I’m not a great follower of Japanese B&W cinema but this one was great. The whole thing is so evocative and moving that it’ll stay with you for years - a bit like getting sand in your trainers after a day at the beach.

Best Bit : Ladder quandary - should he stay or should he go?

‘W’ Score 18/23

No.48 : We Dive At Dawn (1943)

We Dive at Dawn at the IMDb

John Mills stars as the captain of the submarine ‘Sea Tiger’ whose perilous mission is to sink the German’s new battleship ‘Brandenburg’ before it becomes fully functional.

The first half of this film is all about introducing the crew, who are returning from an uneventful tour of duty. Most of the crew have seven day passes and set off for their various assignations and problems. Captain Mills has an armful of lovelies on the go and a servant to arrange his appointments, whereas the other crewmen have to make do with an estranged wife and a bag of chips.


Their fun is cut short when they are recalled to duty with an urgent mission to locate and sink the enemy’s prize asset a super destroyer, obviously styled on the real life Bismarck. The crew capture a downed German aircrew and learn that their quarry may already be out of reach and in the Baltic Sea. Undeterred our heroes go beyond the sub’s range to engage the ship and its escorts. They get their torpedoes in the water but are soon hunted down in a fashion familiar to anyone who’s ever seen a submarine film.

After a narrow escape the Captain readies the crew to surrender, as they’re out of fuel but one troubled seaman may have a chance at redemption with a daring plan to raid a German held Danish supply depot.


I really enjoyed this film, with it’s cast of salty sea dogs and thrilling action sequences. To be fair most of the ship and depth charge shots were stock footage but what do you expect - there was a war on! Given the time of filming it’s a credit to the production that the captured Germans were shown fairly and not as the monsters the propaganda department may have wanted.

The plot kept me guessing and the rousing raid on the base was edge of the seat stuff. It’s true that all the favourite submarine movie standards were trotted out such as the silent running and the jettisoning of debris to fool the enemy, but it’s films like this that came up with the in the first place.


The camaraderie of the group was well done with the practical jokes and minor disputes set aside when team work was needed. The final revelation may have tided things up somewhat conveniently , but I’d have been disappointed by any other ending. Seeing as clichés have been granted a seven day pass of their own I’ll say ‘We Dive At Dawn’ is gripping ‘Boys’ Own’ stuff.

Best Bit : Danish Harbour Raid

‘W’ Score : 18/23

No.46 : White Mischief (1987)

White Mischief at the IMDb

Greta Scacchi, or The Lovely Greta Scacchi to give her her full name, stars in this true story of infidelity and murder in 1940’s Kenya.

The film opens during the blitz in London as Greta tells Hugh Grant that’s she’s leaving his love for the money of Joss Ackland and the safety of Africa. Joss, although wealthy, is facing harder times and his lack of skill on the horses and his free spending new wife are unlikely to help matters.

In Kenya the time is spent wife and clothes swapping, a swinging circuit that Greta soon joins. She quickly falls for the dashing Charles Dance and despite warnings from Joss the pair carry on their scandalous affair. When Greta and Charles announce their plans to be together they get Joss’ blessing, but when Dance is gunned down by a mystery assassin Joss is in the frame.

After a trial Joss is acquitted, but the mystery of the murderer remains and, as his money problems mount, Greta has to weigh her options.


This is a great period film that I always enjoy, not least for Greta’s spirited performance. The African plains are beautifully shot and the evocations of the colonial era are great. The secondary cast is filled with familiar faces and it’s no surprise when Joss’ cattle all die seeing as he employed Rab C. Nesbitt as his farmer.

The mystery element is somewhat slight as we are in no doubt that Joss was the culprit despite some ambiguity employed during the murder. The fact we see him feigning drunkenness prior to the murder somewhat undoes the later revelation about the socks.

Greta gives a career best showing as the free spirited and needy Diana with her passions free for all to see. Towards the end it’s hard to figure her feelings for Joss and new suitor ,John Hurt, but this is a deliberate showing of her character’s uncertainty.

With great settings, acting and music you’ll do well to find a better portrayal of colonial Africa during the war, and seeing as Greta loses her clothes on a regular basis it’s hard to find fault.

Best Bit : Greta’s swimsuit malfunction

‘W’ Score 21/23

No.45 : Watermelon Man (1970)

Watermelon Man at the IMDb


Jeff Gerber is a white middle aged insurance broker who lives with his wife and two kids in an affluent white suburb. He works out every morning and gets his kicks racing the bus to the office, to the annoyance of his fellow commuters. He is also a little bit of a racist. Not in a Ku Klux Klan sense, but he likes ribbing the black bus drivers and lift attendants that they may be rioters and gun toting hoods.

He is somewhat surprised when he wakes up as a black man, almost as much as his wife, who although sympathetic to blacks is less keen to be married to one. Initially Jeff is in denial and tries all sorts of potions to bleach himself white again. He also consults his doctor and thinks of suing the company who made his sun lamp.

He soon accepts the situation and has to learn to live with the sort of prejudices that he once ladled out. Things come to a head when he starts to get threatening phone calls and then a delegation from the neighbourhood requesting he leave lest their house prices suffer. It’s not all bad, as the previously standoffish Swedish secretary becomes a lot more sociable when Jeff gets some colour.

With his wife leaving him and the neighbours buying him out of his home Jeff decides to move on with his life and embrace his new heritage.

If you don’t get the message behind this film you have clearly underwent a frontal lobotomy. The characters are all such vivid shades of black and white, pun intended, that you can’t but fail to see that racism is a bad thing. When we meet Jeff he’s an amiable and likable soul but our goodwill is soon eroded as he encounters people of colour. He’s not bad as such, just crass and ignorant. When he transforms the boot is on the other foot and Whitey, to a man and woman, becomes a total bigot. It's kinda like a bit racist to say all white people are racist, isn’t it?

The film’s agenda from the off is pretty clear, and it isn’t that we’re all equal, it’s that black people are downtrodden and the whites are all bastards. This may have been fair currency when the film was made in 1970 but now it seems stupid and offensive.

There is no reason given for the transformation, although repressed genes and soy sauce are mooted as possibilities. Like ’Groundhog Day’ you just have to accept that’s how things are and not bother looking for a reason. The ‘white’ Jeff looks a bit odd and it’s obvious from the off that it’s the black actor ‘whited up’. There was probably no other way to make the film but it is certainly no surprise when the big reveal takes place after 20 minutes - the guy just looks the same. Maybe that’s the hidden message!

There were a few funny scenes such as the black Jeff walking into a shop and the assistant immediately sticking his hands up. It was also funny when Jeff went on his usual run only to be stopped by cops asking what he’s stolen.

Apart from the odd laugh the film’s message is too relentless to call this entertainment, and the jaded one sided viewpoint turned me off entirely. Jeff seems to accept his position with no trouble at all and by the end he’s training up for a revolution. If the message had been one of integration and acceptance the film would have been a lot more worthwhile. As it was it came across as bitter, nasty and just a little racist itself.

Best Bit : Chasing the bus
‘W’ Score 11/23

No.43 : Wild Country (2005)

Wild Country at the IMDb

When Glaswegian gym slip mum Kelly is pressured into giving up her baby for adoption she decides to go on a camping trip to cheer herself up - big mistake!

The group of three boys and two girls set off on their hike in the wilds of Scotland as their randy priest escort (Peter Capaldi) checks into the local B&B. Their first night under canvas is interrupted by the sound of a baby crying and they find the tot in an abandoned castle - along with the head of the local peeping Tom. They quickly realise that a monster is on the loose and try to flee, losing two of their number in the process.

They head back to the castle to set a trap for the monster and succeed in killing it, unaware that it’s got a friend - and now it’s pissed! We are now down to the single mum and her erstwhile partner and Dad is about to have his ticket punched! After another encounter that sees a farmer cut down to size our heroine makes it back to the B&B and to the disbelieving priest. He quickly changes his tune when the beast shows up and, it’s not looking good for the ever depleting cast.


This Scottish film looks like it was financed by the director taking back his empty Irn Bru bottles. The creature, a sort of big shaggy pig, looks ridiculous with its rubber face and is as about as scary as a 20p tax demand. The cast do try to play it straight, but many scenes raise an unintentional chuckle as the daftness level is cranked up. The young actors are uniformly awful, with the cheesy dialogue spoken as if it were a bible reading.

The big twist as the end made no sense at all and was only trumped by the sepia toned closing sequence, where the survivors head off into the sun set.

The one saving grace is the weedy 64 minutes run time - you may be short changed by the content but at least it’s not a waste of too much of your time.

Best Bit : Peter Capaldi is always good value

‘W’ Score 14/23

No.42 : White Chicks (2004)

White Chicks at the IMDb

When you undertake a worthy endeavour like watching 100 ‘W’ movies you have to accept that there will be some clinkers along the way. When the list was compiled ‘White Chicks’ was tarred with the shitty stick, and although it isn’t a classic it still offered more in the way of mirth than ‘Welcome to Mooseport’, for example. My lack of tolerance for the film is all the more shameful when its message is ‘let’s all not prejudge each other’. Well it was that or something about farting; I got a bit confused half way through.

The Wayans brothers play the Copeland brothers a pair of hapless FBI agents. After a bust goes wrong they are on their last warning and readily accept an assignment involves babysitting a pair of spoiled rich white girls, whom intelligence states are about to be kidnap victims. After a minor road accident which sees the girls horribly disfigured, to their minds at least, our men have to form a plan that can save their jobs and the case.

Strangely without any discussion and after only one phone call a team of make up artists rush round and make our two black cops into plausible facsimiles of the white chicks. The rest of the film has virtually no plot and is just a series of set ups that see our heroes in various fish out of water scenarios such as going shopping, a trip to the beach, to a night club and to a fashion show. Towards the very end the cards are laid out and the baddie revealed. Can our men chase him down in high heels and will the various relationships be reconciled in time?

Clearly this is no high art but ‘White Chicks’ is a likable film that doesn’t take itself to seriously. Many of the jokes are of the lowest order and that’s probably what appealed to me, but who can resist prolonged scenes of toilet noise and dinner table farting? The make up was remarkably good and although the cast had to make an effort to pretend the doppelgangers were identical it was a pretty good effort.

The race card wasn’t played too often which again adds to the appeal, and it was good to see rich white folks not portrayed as a bunch of bigots. There was plenty of supporting talent on show and I particularly liked Terry Crews as the randy sports star with the hots for our girls.

On the downside the plot was non existent and many of the conflicts were shoe horned in when a word of explanation would have cleared everything up.

This could have been a film built around a make up effect but some funny scenes and winning characters made it well worth the effort.

Best Bit : The changing room scene with the disbelieving wife on the phone

‘W’ Score 15/23

No.39 : When We Were Kings (1996)

When We Were Kings at the IMDb

‘When We Were Kings’ is a 1997 documentary focusing on the famous ‘Rumble in the Jungle’ in Zaire in 1974. The fight between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman has attained legendary status and this documentary features footage unseen until now owing to copyright issues.

The fight itself is something of a footnote with the action not starting until an hour into the film and lasting barely ten minutes of its running time. That’s fair enough as the boxing is only one aspect of a ground breaking event that captivated the world.

The film opens with a then youthful Don King announcing a $10 million purse and that the fight is going back home to Africa. It’s quickly revealed that this isn’t due to any worthy cultural reasons but due to the president of Zaire agreeing to put up the massive bank roll.

The footage follows both fighters through their preparations including the injury suffered by Foreman which delayed the action for six weeks. Interspersed between the clips are various worthies such as Norman Mailer, who talks about the fight, and Spike Lee, who predictably talks about it’s cultural impact on the oppressed black community.

The footage of Ali especially, is cracking with his ready wit and bristling personality at its height. The talk of the time was of his bravado as Foreman was highly fancied to win, but it was good to see him prevail using tactics that Rocky Ballboa would later employ in his rematch with Clubber Lang.

Added to the jamboree was the inclusion of both James Brown and BB King, and we are treated to short bursts of both their sets. Brown is especially pleasing with his short lived moustached and topless dancers.

The film has a pretty short running time with a montage of photos over the title track used to pad things out. This isn’t a criticism as such, as I’d rather it be short and sweet than bloated and worthy.

Overall ‘When We Were Kings’ is a cracking example of the sports documentary and a rare insight into the world of true legends.

Best Bit : The fix is in - oh it isn’t!

‘W’ Score : 18/23

No.38 : Winchester ‘73 (1950)

Winchester '73 at the IMDb

James Stewart stars in this 1950 western that follows the exciting history of the titular rifle.

We meet Stewart in the midst of a man hunt that has gone on for many years. He eventually catches up with his quarry in Dodge City but is denied a shoot out by Wyatt Earp who enforces a strict no guns policy. Typically in America this doesn’t preclude massive gun contests and our man enters one in the hope of winning a Winchester 1873 rifle - the ‘one in a thousand’.

Everyone in town really sucks at shooting so it’s between James Stewart and his nemesis, Dutch, for the prize. After several ties Stewart wins the valuable weapon by shooting a stamp out of a washer. The fact that he later can’t hit a man with 20 shots isn’t mentioned. Sadly for Stewart his enemy is a sore loser and gets knocked over the head and the prize weapon stolen. Just as well really as the thing is plainly cursed.

The thief has to trade it to a gun dealer after losing at cards and he in turn is tomahawked off screen by an Indian who takes a fancy to it. The Indian is then shot by Stewart who doesn’t know the rifle is lost nearby. The gun then falls in to other ill fated hands before winding back with Dutch just in time for the final shoot out.





This was a pretty decent western with the rifle being a good narrative device for advancing the story. James Stewart plays himself as usual and is helped along by love interest Shelly Winters before she ate all those pies. Young versions of Tony Curtis and Rock Hudson also show up but neither had much to do.




The baddies in the shape of the Indians and a gang of outlaws offer a slight distraction but neither represented much in the way of character or danger. The Indians, who just rode around whooping a lot - they can’t blame anyone but themselves for losing the continent on this evidence!

No one really raised the issue of why no one just bought the rifle from a shop rather than kill all and sundry for it. It was also shown to be less than effective as I don’t think it registered a single kill throughout the film. A case of be careful what you wish for - as everyone else wants it too.

A really enjoyable, fast paced western with great characters and a couple of surprises. Well worth your 90 minutes.

Best Bit : The shooting contest - I thought they would be going for a gnat’s baw hair next!

‘W’ Score : 18/23

No.37 : Wild Wild West (1999)

Wild Wild West at the IMDb

Given its stinky reputation (a meagre 4.2 on IMDb) I wasn’t looking forward to ‘Wild Wild West‘, a rare beast of a summer blockbuster that I hadn’t seen before. Although it was no classic I still enjoyed it more than its score would have suggested.

Based on an 1960’s TV series, which I also missed, ‘Wild Wild West’ follows the adventures of Jim West (Will Smith) a government agent in the period just after the American Civil War. The world presented is not the one we know, with this one being steam-punked to the Nth degree. Jim’s mission is to investigate the disappearance of several top scientists, a job he is assisted in by Kevin Kline’s inventor and Salma Heyek’s eye candy.


The main baddie is played by Kenneth Branagh with an annoying Southern accent and a steam powered wheelchair. He has plans to use his mental machines to kidnap the president and break up the newly formed United States.



There is precious little done in the way of detection, with one mechanical led set piece crashing into the next one. Kline and Smith don’t have any rapport at all and all the laughs come from the fantastic gizmos and stunts. When the President (also played for no apparent reason by Kline) is captured by Branagh’s giant mechanical spider our men have to get him back, save the day and throw in as many bad jokes and costume changes as the running time will allow.

I did quite like the film but given that it’s so patently awful I’ll have to class it as a guilty pleasure. The effects and machines are great but so unbelievable that any sense of reality is quickly lost. Smith and Kline are both likable guys but they don’t gel here, especially given the weak dialogue they are given to interact with. The support form Hayek and M. Emmet Walsh was underused and, although hamming it up for all he was worth, the largely CGI Branagh was miscast.

The film had enough to keep my interest and the effects were great, but over all the poor script and rudderless direction means that its reputation and low status are fully deserved.

Best Bit : Definitely not Will Smith in drag.

‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No.35 : War, Inc. (2008)

War Inc. at the IMDb

In the near future the American government puts the fighting of its wars out to private tender. When a local politician, for some reason called ‘Omar Sharif’, upsets their plans a middle eastern country, troubled hit man Brand Hauser is sent over to take him out.

Clearly things can’t be that simple so Brand is given the cover of an Expo organiser where he has to juggle the attentions of a precocious pop star (Hilary Duff) and an investigative reporter, Marisa Tomei. Brand has issues of his own that need the regular attention of his stroppy PR (sister Joan - again), his shrink and his suitcase full of hot sauce.

Things develop somewhat as he begins to doubt his motivations and gets conflicting emotions for the women in his life. All the while sinister forces are at work, all of which may affect the bottom line.





Despite a stellar cast that also includes the likes of Dan Ackroyd and Ben Kingsley this film had a ‘DVD Premiere’ in the US and it’s not hard to see why. Although some of the blurb describes it as a ‘satire’ it’d be more accurate to say ‘here is the war in Iraq through our Liberal viewpoint’. From the Halliburton like conglomerate orchestrating the war to the PR spin put on the news, not a obvious target is missed and then battered into nothingness with a sledgehammer.




Having Cusack as a hit man with his sister looking after his back is as lazy casting as you can imagine and why it wasn’t called ‘Grosse Point Blank 2’ can only be attributable to its complete lack of laughs, spirit or ‘80s soundtrack.

The big reveal at the end was pretty obvious as was Ben Kingley’s fate after we saw him in flashback getting squashed. They should have brought him back in the style of the real Omar Sharif in ‘Top Secret!’, but that would have been too funny and not preachy enough for this self righteous twaddle.


Best Bit : Kissy face with Marisa
‘W’ Score 11/23

No.32 : Wanted (2008)

Wanted at the IMDb

‘Wanted’ is a 2008 film based on the comic book series of the same name by former 2000ad scribe Mark Millar. Prior to going to the cinema to watch ‘Wanted’ I read all the comics in one night and they left me eagerly awaiting the film. The comic sees a young office drone learn that he is the son of a super villain and plots his progress to the pinnacle of the underworld. The comic is populated with horrific murders and mental villains and although I knew it’d be toned down for the film I felt the premise was ripe for a top notch Hollywood outing.

Sadly it wasn’t to be. Apart from a couple of lines lifted intact from the comic and the general framework of the story, very little of the source remains. James McAvoy plays Wesley who learns of his father’s secret identity and is inducted into an assassins’ guild who take their orders form a loom of destiny. This loom, by way of its weave patterns, indicates who is to be bumped off by our mysterious cadre of weaver assassins. No one seems to question this ridiculous set up, possibly because it’s administered by the reverential Morgan Freeman, who deserves an award for keeping a straight face whilst delivering some laughable dialogue.




In a ‘Rocky’ style montage sequence our man is trained up in the arts of getting a kicking from a bloke off ‘Hustle’ and bending bullets around Angelina Jolie. Pretty soon he is on a mission but with some reservations and a rogue assassin on his case. Questions about who are the good guys and who’s running the loom keep the interest level ticking over but in general it’s throwaway stuff.



Of course this isn’t an exercise in cerebral film making and it certainly delivers its promise of action, stunts and elaborate kills. The special effects, that mostly involve car crashes and magic bullets, are all dripping with CGI but if you disengage your brain and drink up the spectacle you won’t be disappointed.

Best Bit : Angelina’s ass

‘W’ Rating : 16/23

No.29 : WarGames (1983)

War Games at the IMDb

A youthful Matthew Broderick stars in this 1983 film, that sees a teenage hacker nearly kick start world war 3. When this was made the Cold War was at its height and the scenario depicted wasn’t as far fetched then as it may seem now.

The story follows teenage computer wiz, David, who accidentally breaks into a government computer when seeking some secret video games from a nearby company. After starting a game called ‘Thermonuclear War’ he forgets about it until the news reports a NORAD security breach. Things deteriorate fast when the computer insists on playing the game for real, mistaking David for its presumed dead creator. The Feds are soon on the scene taking David into custody, while the clock counts ever closer to doomsday.



The usual array of stuffed shirts try to address matters but of course only our man can help avert disaster with the help of his limber school chum Jennifer (Ally Sheedy) and the reclusive master programmer, whose demise has been somewhat exaggerated.

I hadn’t seen WarGames since a cinema trip more than 20 years ago, and I was surprised to see how well it stood up. A lot of it has stayed in my memory and I could even remember the password to the school’s computer (pencil) - more brain cells unnecessarily filled! Obviously the technology is a bit dated, as our man impresses his girl friend with his big floppy, but apart from that the story still seems quite plausible with the techno babble kept to a minimum. The pace is maintained throughout using a classic ticking clock approach and although the pay off is a bit preachy, it’s still a ride worth taking.

The cast is excellent apart from the red neck General who must have found his rank in a cereal box and Dr Falken whose whole range appears to be looking enigmatic. I especially liked nerdy Malvin who managed to be both rude and insensitive to order and the lovely Ally who despite playing a school girl was 21 when this was made, so it’s OK to ogle her yoga outfit!

Some of the tech was a bit ropey, such as hot wiring a call box with a ring pull, but overall it was one of the few childhood favourites that has held up to further scrutiny.

The film has spawned a straight to DVD sequel ‘The Dead code’ and we may have a look at that later if nothing else more promising shows up.

Best Bit : The visit to the Nerds‘ lair - ”You’re doing it now”

‘W’ Score 19/23

No.24 : Welcome To Mooseport (2004)

Welcome to Mooseport at the IMDb

Small town Mooseport, Maine is excited when outgoing two time President Monroe ‘Eagle ‘Cole chooses to live there following his messy divorce from the posh one out of ‘Mamma Mia’. So star struck are the local town council that they ask him to replace their recently deceased mayor. Cole agrees as he feel the magnanimous gesture can only help his lucrative book and lecture deals. Unbeknown to all, local plumber ‘Handy’ Harrison had also applied for the post meaning an election is needed.

Handy agrees that a high profile mayor would be good for the town and is about to step down when he sees the President wooing his on off girlfriend, Sally. The pair then engage in an escalating battle of dirty to tricks to win the election and then to lose it when they both realise that it isn’t worth the effort. After a frankly exhausting and unfunny campaign the votes are about to be counted and there’s not going to be much in it.





With the talent on show here it can’t fail to be a top notch comedy, but fail it does in desperate fashion. The idea of a David versus Goliath battle was a decent one and they could even have made some points on the cult of celebrity and local values ahead of unrealistic aspirations. Instead it was a bit twee with nice guy Handy (Ray Romano) singularly unengaging on any level. I’ve never watched his sitcom ‘Everyone Loves Raymond’ but on this evidence they only love him as he buys the do-nuts or something. He may be able to carry off a sitcom but he is no leading man, a point justified by his flop rich movie CV.

Gene Hackman is a bit better as the egotistical President but he doesn’t really do comedy as ‘Get Shorty’ proved, and as a love rival he simply wasn’t at the races. The ensemble cast also included the Fred Savage and Rip Torn who again do well in small screen comedies but lack the spark to carry a full 110 minutes (!) of comedy. Maura Tierney whom I liked in ‘Newsradio‘ is still a dish, but the love triangle was hopelessly imbalanced in her favour. Marcia Gay Harden has an underwritten role as an aide that defies belief with the final twist. Ah well at least everyone‘s happy - except the audience!

The film was as bloated as Gene’s belly and consisted of a never ending sequence of dull speeches and talking heads and show downs and tete a tetes. There were no big set pieces, just an endless cycle of minor set backs and weak twists. Understandably the film bombed at the box office and was cause enough for Gene Hackman to retire after its dismal showing. Romano hasn’t had a hit since and appears to have gone back to TV and cartoon voice overs - maybe he should run for mayor? He’d get my vote if he promised to stay away from the movies!

Best Bit : The golf match was least bad

‘W’ Score 10/23

No.23 :Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden? (2008)

Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? at the IMDb

Porn moustached and burger eating documentary maker Morgan Spurlock returns to find the titular bad guy and explore the motivations of those who are happy to lay down their lives for his cause.

The film opens with Morgan’s somewhat spurious reasons for going on an Osama hunt. His partner is pregnant and he wants to see what kind of world he’s bringing a child into. The more likely motivations of needing the cash and escaping a pregnant partner are not touched upon.


As in his previous documentary a potentially dry subject is dressed up with fancy graphics and sound bites lifted from TV shows. We see Morgan as a stop motion animation running around and then as a video game character, taking on Osama ‘Tekken’ style. I felt these bits were a touch self aggrandising, almost as if we should be chortling along as our good pal Morgan indulges himself. I wasn’t laughing and had more of a ‘what a self important prick’ kind of reaction.

The first part of the five part mission was the best as Morgan undergoes training to help in his mission. We learn how to deal with being kidnapped and how to survive a grenade attack. These sequences lead me into a false sense of security - I thought this would be a dangerous and exciting journey into the heart of darkness. But it wasn’t.

The next four sections are essentially the same as Morgan visits Egypt, Morocco, Afghanistan and Pakistan to ask the same questions and get the same shoulder shrugs in reply. To add a supposed element of humour Morgan dons full Arab dress and point blankedly asks scared locals of Osama’s whereabouts. Obviously they don’t know but we get a cheap laugh at intimidated foreigners, so that’s OK.

As the film draws to a close Morgan approaches the point of no return - will he enter Pakistan’s notorious tribal region to seek his quarry or will he scarper off home, having learned nothing?

It’s the second one.

This was a wasted 90 minutes for the viewer and a wasted opportunity. Morgan had cracking access to the military and the higher echelons of middle eastern government but delivered a puff piece that may serve well as a home movie for the Spurlock clan but no one else. His conclusion that we should win the “hearts and minds” of the people rather than pointlessly pursue terrorists was a real revelation - in 2004 when the US military appropriated the term.

Obviously he was never going to find Bin Laden, but so half hearted was this attempt that he’d of had as much success looking for him in his fridge and save us all some bother in the process.

Best Bit :Tough guy training school

‘W’ Rating : 9/23

No.22 : Westworld (1973)

Westworld at the IMDb

Westworld is a 1973 sci-fi adventure that see androids run amok at a futuristic theme park.

The film opens in annoying fashion with a faux TV commercial for the Delos resort that comprises the three ‘Worlds’ of Roman, Medieval and Western. A cynic may say these three worlds are fortunately similar to the sets an average movie studio would have lying around but that’s not me. The happy punters all extol the virtues of the resort in a sequence that runs for three whole minutes - at least two too many.

The film proper begins with our heroes on route to Westworld. Hunky James Brolin has been before and this time he’s taking along his wimpy pal Richard Benjamin, who’s getting over a divorce. They arrive in town and soon fall afoul of android Yul Brynner, who is a slightly paunchier version of himself in ‘The Magnificent Seven’. Of course things go to plan and our guys dispatch Yul and head off to the brothel - my kind of guys!

Throughout their adventure we also get several scenes of small things going awry, and the worried park manager asking the board for a shut down - fat chance. Inevitably things go badly wrong and the androids over come their programming to become killing machines. In an interesting twist it’s the more world wise Brolin who gets killed leaving his wimpy mate to take on the revitalised Yul on his own. For some reason the gun slinger toys with his prey and lets him lead us on a trip through all three resort worlds - well they put up the sets after all.

Unfortunately everyone, including the park staff, are dead and only fading batteries or some good old fashioned human ingenuity can save our man.

Despite its short comings I like ‘Westworld’ and it’s one of those films I always find myself watching to the end during its endless screenings on TCM. Although the tech with its whirling tape machines and bulk computers look dated it’s still a fun concept that’s well executed. Writer/director Michael Crichton liked it so much he ripped himself off when penning ‘Jurassic Park’.

It beggars belief that the park would allow the androids loaded guns, and the staff all dying due to sealed doors is plain daft. That aside it’s good fun to see people misbehave and we can only hope it becomes reality. Apart from all the killing naturally. I doubt however that if fully functional sex droids are developed people will sign up to $1000 a day Westworld - Blowjob World would have them out of business in ten minutes!

Best Bit : Yul’s relentless man hunt

‘W’ Score 17/23

No.20 : Wanted : Dead Or Alive (1986)

Wanted : Dead or Alive at the IMDb

I thought I had fond memories of this 1986 Rutger Hauer action flick, but after a minute I realised that I’d confused it with the vastly superior ‘Night Hawks’. In ‘Night Hawks’ Hauer played the baddie terrorist being chase by Sylvester Stallone, in this he is the good guy chasing Gene Simmons out of Kiss. You do the math!

With only the lead character’s surname and profession retained from the western TV series of the same name which starred Steve McQueen, it beggars belief why they bought the rights. Well maybe they had them anyway, if so it’s a real waste of a decent premise. Rutger Hauer plays a cool bounty hunter who can take down red necks in bars as easy as pie. Things hot up when for no given reason, apart from being the baddies, a group of “rag heads” blow up a cinema showing ‘Rambo ‘ - merciful release you might say.

Rather than use the considerable resources of the LAPD and FBI Benson chooses to hire Rutger to save the day. Unbeknownst to Benson and Rutger the pen pushers at the office have set our man up to bait a trap that he narrowly escapes. After wasting a load of time following Rutger about, we enter endgame when the terrorists blow up his boat containing his girlfriend and best friend who was sent there as a decoy.

With only a call needed to get the terrorists’ address, Rutger is on the case and hopefully in time to stop a chemical plant attack and any more bad acting from Gene Simmons. After some laughable beat downs which include sliding a man in a wardrobe down some stairs, Rutger gets the plans and is at last on his way to the inevitable showdown.

This was a really dreadful 107 minutes. I like Rutger Hauer but as this movie proved he’s aces as a baddie and a charisma bypass as a hero. His ‘witty’ one liners are so obviously scripted that they might as well had the cue cards up on screen. The action sequences were pretty poor and the whole thing had a TV movie look about it.

Far too much of the film was spent on squabbles within the police department with precious little shown of the terrorist plot. Although this had the blessing of reducing Gene Simmons’ screen time it did look daft as the final act was shoe horned into the last ten minutes of an otherwise bloated run time.

I had no empathy at all for Rutger’s character and his emotional turmoil at the responsibility of killing the two people closest to him lasted about three frames.

You could argue in the current climate the film is as relevant now as ever but until we see gangs of Arabs running around shooting AK47’s in downtown LA I think it can stay shelved. Sadly the real terrorists have much more imagination than the writers of this cliché ridden, action free drivel.

Best Bit : “Fuck the bonus!”
‘W’ Score : 12/23

No.19 : Watership Down (1978)

Watership Down at the IMDb

‘Watership Down’ is an 1978 animated British film about a bunch of rabbits looking for a new home. Don’t stop reading, it’s pretty good and entertaining stuff!

Fiver the rabbit is pretty special in the warren in that he sees the future - and it’s looking bad. Despite some previous successes the head rabbit isn’t keen to listen to his tales of impending doom and refuses to relocate the warren. Undaunted, Fiver and a few other rabbits leave the same night - past a big land redevelopment sign, showing us that he was right all along.



The rabbits embark on a perilous mission to find a new home, which I take to be Watership Down although it isn’t mentioned by name in the film. On the way they encounter some nasty rats, a bastard of a cat and hoards of evil rabbits with their own agenda. Luckily they find their way to their new home but there is just one problem, and for rabbits it’s a big one, no babes. Not willing to forego their ten times a night nookie they go back on the road in reach of some hot bunny bitches.

After in ill fated attempt to free some caged does from a farm they have to try and persuade some to leave the warren of the dreaded General, using only their wits and the assistance of a jive talking sea gull.


I quite enjoyed seeing this again after a break of about 20 years. The animation is pretty basic, with set backgrounds and an economy of motion. The voice work from the likes of Richard Briers and John Hurt is first rate and they do give the rabbit’s a lot of personality. That said the seagull was really annoying and I was disappointed to see him survive at the end.

It was a lot less grisly than I remember with only a few blood soaked deaths to speak of. I could have done without some of the more surreal fantasy moments involving the Black rabbit, but all in all it was good stuff with ‘Bright Eyes’ still a great tune.

Best Bit : Uh-oh here comes the General!

‘W’ Score 16/23

No.18 : Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the IMDb

Although the book and the Tim Burton remake were called ‘Charlie and the Chocolate factory’ this 1971 version went with ‘Willy Wonka’ as the producers thought that their dim audience may think the ’Charlie’ referred to the Viet-Cong. And we’re glad they did as it means this holiday TV staple qualifies for the list.



The well known plot concerns Charlie, a boy so poor that the church mice had a whip ‘round for him. He lives with his parents and four grandparents in a run down shack in a town with no apparent social services. When local candy baron and recluse Willy Wonka issues five golden tickets for a factory visit we just know that Charlie’s luck will be in. And, after a couple of misfires, it is.

Charlie is joined by various stereotypes for the factory trip and watches in horror as each is dispatched in a cunning fashion and to an annoying song. Soon only Charlie is left but can he win over the mood shifting sweet king to win the ultimate prize?





It’s almost compulsory to have seen this film and despite knowing it backwards it was no chore to see it again. Forget Johnny Depp’s wimpy and introverted interpretation what we get here is the real deal, straight from the book in the form of Gene Wilder giving his best performance ever if you exclude ‘Blazing saddles’ and ‘Stir Crazy’. His Wonka is an evil bastard with no mercy and a penchant for child abuse. No not that sort, more the feeding them to squirrels kind.



The sets are cracking and more evocative than the ones in the big budget remake. You also get better Oompa-loompas for your money and better songs to boot.

To be hyper-critical I’d say the preamble before the factory visit is over long - we know he’s finding a ticket - hurry up! Some of the songs, notably Wilder’s, are a bit sentimental and as a singer he makes a great Waco Kid.

I did like the realisations of Roald Dahl’s mad candies and the casting of the evil, rival candy baron who turns out to be nice, so no nightmares there kids. The spoilt children are well cast and despite having seen both versions of the story several times it’s the original brats that first come to mind. The Charlie however is less good being all blond and floppy like a proto Hugh Grant.

The few faults I’ve mentioned shouldn’t put you off a great dark fairy tale that the adults will enjoy as much as the kids are creeped out.

Best Bit : Fat Fecker In Fudge fall

‘W’ Rating : 17/23