No.167 : War Witch (2012)

War Witch at the IMDb

The 100 ‘W’ movie blog makes a welcome return to celebrate the many, many ‘W’ films nominated for this year’s Academy awards. We’ll begin with ‘War Witch’ before moving to the lighter charms of ‘Wreck It Ralph’ and then … Well that’s it, but what a haul eh? We showed them ‘Z’ fans - ‘Zero dark Thirty’ and that’s their lot!

‘War Witch’ is nominated in the ‘Best Foreign Language Film’ category and I have to say that it’ll be a good film that beats it - not that I plan to trawl through the ‘W’ initial free Norwegian entry for one.

The film follows the terrible struggles of Komona who lives in a war torn, but unspecified African country. We open with the 14 year old in the late stages of a pregnancy and she relates the trials of her last two years to her unborn child.

We flashback to her as a 12 year old as rebels attack her village and seize several children, including Kamora, to fight their war. As a way of severing her ties with the village they make her machine gun her own parents. She is reluctant at first, but soon lets fly when the parents are threatened with torture. She does come round to the idea quite quickly though, and I have to wonder if the parents regret not getting her that iPad for Christmas.

The rebels soon have the kids trained with AK47s and have them lead raids against government troops. In one early battle Komora is warned of an ambush by some ghosts and is thereafter feted as a ‘war witch’, a rare prize to the superstitious guerrillas. Her new status sees her treatment improve and she soon makes a friend in Magician, a pale skinned lad who makes necklaces and charms that deflect bullets which patently don’t work.

After a brutal battle Magician and Komona escape their warlord boss and after finding the required white cockerel they are married and enjoy a brief period of happiness. Needless to say this is short-lived and before long Komora is back being all witchy and being abused by her commander. Will she be able to escape with only an avocado and a razor blade? Will she find peace and safety and be able to rest the spirits that haunt her? Let’s hope so - I need some cheering up after this!

Despite the grim subject matter and subtitles I really liked this film. It is brutal, but as most of the violence happens off screen it’s your own imagination that fills in the blanks, which is usually worse. The harrowing scenes are more or less relentless, with each chink of light mercilessly snatched away by a gun or machete.

I liked the ‘Sixth Sense’ notion of Komona being able to see dead people and although the corpses looked like they were just a bit sloppy at plastering, it was spooky to see the soldiers on a battlefield being replaced by so many ghosts.

The two leads were great with no obvious acting going on - the pain, grinding poverty and inhumanity was brutally realised and it was almost as big an ordeal to watch as they clearly had making it. There were some brief moments of levity such as them getting drunk on hallucinogenic tree resin but it was all ruined by an engineered car accident to get undeserved compensation - I’m reporting this to the ABI (or local equivalent).

For me this was a brutal and authentic slice of life, and although not enjoyable it certainly kept my interest and delivered a few choice cuts along the way. Ouch!

Best Bit : What do you like in your avacado?

'W' Rating 17/23

No. 109 : White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

White Men Can't Jump at the IMDb


This is another well known ‘W’ film that I was slow to get around to as the subject matter didn’t appeal. Basketball, buddy comedies and da hood are never popular with me but I enjoyed this more than expected.

Woody Harrelson plays Billy Hoyle a disgraced ex-basketball pro who now tries to hustle a few bucks playing the hoops. He’s basically a prototype Roy Munson who would follow in ‘Kingpin’ in just five years time. Woody’s first score involves taking $60 off Wesley Snipes’ character who thought he was the one doing the hustling.

Being impressed at the new talent Wesley suggests the pair team up using the black mens’ misconception that ‘white men can’t jump’ to relieve them of their cash. Things go well with a few small scores but when a big one goes wrong Billy finds out that Snipes wasn’t on his team after all. With a fall out averted by the intervention of their ladies the guys agree to team up for the city two man basketball tournament which they win. With things looking good the pair’s rivalry surfaces again with Wesley taking all the prize cash after a rash bet.

On the home front things are looking shaky with Woody’s wife Rosie Perez having a secret drinking problem as well as an ambition to get on the TV show ‘Jeopardy’. Elsewhere gangsters are after Woody for the loses incurred when he failed to throw a big match and Wesley’s wife needs to move out of the crime ridden neighbourhood.

With these tangled threads coming together the guys agree to team up once more to take on their biggest rivals in a big cash game

I enjoyed the first hour of this film quite a lot but my interest tapered off rapidly and by the end I was glad to see it end. The two leads do a good job as the squabbling no hopers but after a while their constant bickering becomes grating. Woody is especially annoying for an extended scene where he goads rival players into playing badly. The hoops action is well done and seems authentic but it’s hard to hang a 100 minute movie on a few three pointers.

Rosie Perez does ok as the drunk wannabe game show star but it’s hard too see what Woody sees in her constant carping and shouting. The ‘buddy’ aspect is well done and it’s easy to see why the pair were teamed up again as different characters in the less successful ‘Money Train’.

I’m sure this film has a cult following in the basketball and jive talkin’ communities but alas it doesn’t offer enough for me to sign up to either cause. Worth a look but it’s more off the back board than a slam dunk.

Best Bit : Rosie gets in Jeopardy
‘W’ Rating 12/13

No.53 : War Dance (2007)

War Dance at the IMDb

‘War Dance’ is an Oscar nominated documentary about the civil war in Uganda and, more specifically, about a group of children trying to win their National Music Championships despite their horrific ordeals.

Although it lost the Oscar to ‘Taxi to the Dark Side’, ‘War Dance’ was a worthy contender; possibly too worthy as it is heavy going. The film follows a group of mostly orphans who live in the town of Potongo, Northern Uganda. The children are introduced separately and they each talk to the camera in turn recounting their own experiences of the civil war.


All the tales are terrible with one young lad recounting the night he had to bludgeon a farmer to death with his hoe to save his own life. Others had similar treatments of kidnap and abuse. Juxtaposed against theses horrors were their present day trials in a government camp, such as one girl who was almost a slave to her bitch of an aunt.

All of the children have the same ambition - to win the regional qualifier so that the can go to the National Championship in Kampala. The road is long and arduous but with the help of some seasoned professionals they up their game and get to the big city. The contest is a major event and the kids feel marginalized as being from the north they are seen by some as inferior. Given what they have experienced it’s not surprising that they shrug off such slurs and put on a top show. Will it be enough to win the cup and heal their community at the same time?

This is a hard film to enjoy. The triumph of the human spirit is one thing but it’s depressing to hear so many horrific tales. It beggars belief that the government put so many resources into a song contest when rebels are freely raping and killing anyone they choose. Obviously the kids don’t mind as their focus and determination is admirable.

With the best will in the world I found it hard to enjoy the singing and dancing and when that is at least 50% of the film you know the marks are going to suffer. It’s not that the people aren’t talented, I’m sure they are, it’s just people yelling and stamping in endless similar songs isn’t my thing.

It would be churlish to say this film is nothing short of a triumph and the spirit and message of it ain’t be ignored. I just didn’t really enjoy it. Sorry kids!

Best Bit : The grim tales were jaw-dropping

‘W’ Score 13/23

No.44 : War of the Buttons (1994)

War of the Buttons at the IMDb


A bit of family fun now with ‘War of the Buttons’ a gentle tale of boys growing up in Ireland and discovering all the usual stuff you get in films like this, you know, responsibility, girls, killing wildlife etc.

Set in contemporary Ireland the film tells the story of a rivalry between two groups of boys from neighbouring villages. Things start off in minor fashion with the odd bit of vandalism but soon escalate into all out war. Not tough guy war, more of a girly slap fest kind of conflict.

When a rival boy is captured our heroes cut the buttons from his clothes as a battle trophy, hence the title. These are piled up in jars at their new HQ, where their schemes are devised. After a few retaliatory strikes our guys save their clothes by fighting in the nude in a Glittertastic scene.

Things come to a head when a rabbit gets injured (!) and the boys realise that they have more in common than they first thought - an affection for rabbits for one. After a pivotal battle things seem settled but one boy excluded from the fray decides to get a bit of revenge with his dad’s new tractor.

I quite enjoyed this film although the diddley-dee soundtrack made it made it sound like Riverdance’s backing tapes were on a constant loop. The mostly young cast were fine and it was good to see that they weren’t the usual crop of stage school kids. Of course being an Irish film Colm Meaney showed up, as required by Irish law, apparently. He gave good value as a booze offering loud mouth especially in a closing scene where we learn that the inter-village tensions are nothing new.

The themes of loss of innocence and empathy for the enemy were well explored and, in X-Factor parlance, they all went on a journey through the course of the film. Some scenes, such as the killing of a fox, were a bit upsetting but as the death blow happened off camera I’m sure Foxy came out of it OK.

The general feel of the film reminded me of those old Children’s’ Film Foundation films of the 1970’s, but since when was a slice of nostalgia a bad thing? The film wasn’t hard hitting, nor tried to be. It’s a decent bit of gentle family fun that is probably quite forgettable but strangely affecting at the same time.

Best Bit : Tractor Attack!

‘W’ Score 15/23

No.42 : White Chicks (2004)

White Chicks at the IMDb

When you undertake a worthy endeavour like watching 100 ‘W’ movies you have to accept that there will be some clinkers along the way. When the list was compiled ‘White Chicks’ was tarred with the shitty stick, and although it isn’t a classic it still offered more in the way of mirth than ‘Welcome to Mooseport’, for example. My lack of tolerance for the film is all the more shameful when its message is ‘let’s all not prejudge each other’. Well it was that or something about farting; I got a bit confused half way through.

The Wayans brothers play the Copeland brothers a pair of hapless FBI agents. After a bust goes wrong they are on their last warning and readily accept an assignment involves babysitting a pair of spoiled rich white girls, whom intelligence states are about to be kidnap victims. After a minor road accident which sees the girls horribly disfigured, to their minds at least, our men have to form a plan that can save their jobs and the case.

Strangely without any discussion and after only one phone call a team of make up artists rush round and make our two black cops into plausible facsimiles of the white chicks. The rest of the film has virtually no plot and is just a series of set ups that see our heroes in various fish out of water scenarios such as going shopping, a trip to the beach, to a night club and to a fashion show. Towards the very end the cards are laid out and the baddie revealed. Can our men chase him down in high heels and will the various relationships be reconciled in time?

Clearly this is no high art but ‘White Chicks’ is a likable film that doesn’t take itself to seriously. Many of the jokes are of the lowest order and that’s probably what appealed to me, but who can resist prolonged scenes of toilet noise and dinner table farting? The make up was remarkably good and although the cast had to make an effort to pretend the doppelgangers were identical it was a pretty good effort.

The race card wasn’t played too often which again adds to the appeal, and it was good to see rich white folks not portrayed as a bunch of bigots. There was plenty of supporting talent on show and I particularly liked Terry Crews as the randy sports star with the hots for our girls.

On the downside the plot was non existent and many of the conflicts were shoe horned in when a word of explanation would have cleared everything up.

This could have been a film built around a make up effect but some funny scenes and winning characters made it well worth the effort.

Best Bit : The changing room scene with the disbelieving wife on the phone

‘W’ Score 15/23

No.38 : Winchester ‘73 (1950)

Winchester '73 at the IMDb

James Stewart stars in this 1950 western that follows the exciting history of the titular rifle.

We meet Stewart in the midst of a man hunt that has gone on for many years. He eventually catches up with his quarry in Dodge City but is denied a shoot out by Wyatt Earp who enforces a strict no guns policy. Typically in America this doesn’t preclude massive gun contests and our man enters one in the hope of winning a Winchester 1873 rifle - the ‘one in a thousand’.

Everyone in town really sucks at shooting so it’s between James Stewart and his nemesis, Dutch, for the prize. After several ties Stewart wins the valuable weapon by shooting a stamp out of a washer. The fact that he later can’t hit a man with 20 shots isn’t mentioned. Sadly for Stewart his enemy is a sore loser and gets knocked over the head and the prize weapon stolen. Just as well really as the thing is plainly cursed.

The thief has to trade it to a gun dealer after losing at cards and he in turn is tomahawked off screen by an Indian who takes a fancy to it. The Indian is then shot by Stewart who doesn’t know the rifle is lost nearby. The gun then falls in to other ill fated hands before winding back with Dutch just in time for the final shoot out.





This was a pretty decent western with the rifle being a good narrative device for advancing the story. James Stewart plays himself as usual and is helped along by love interest Shelly Winters before she ate all those pies. Young versions of Tony Curtis and Rock Hudson also show up but neither had much to do.




The baddies in the shape of the Indians and a gang of outlaws offer a slight distraction but neither represented much in the way of character or danger. The Indians, who just rode around whooping a lot - they can’t blame anyone but themselves for losing the continent on this evidence!

No one really raised the issue of why no one just bought the rifle from a shop rather than kill all and sundry for it. It was also shown to be less than effective as I don’t think it registered a single kill throughout the film. A case of be careful what you wish for - as everyone else wants it too.

A really enjoyable, fast paced western with great characters and a couple of surprises. Well worth your 90 minutes.

Best Bit : The shooting contest - I thought they would be going for a gnat’s baw hair next!

‘W’ Score : 18/23

No.37 : Wild Wild West (1999)

Wild Wild West at the IMDb

Given its stinky reputation (a meagre 4.2 on IMDb) I wasn’t looking forward to ‘Wild Wild West‘, a rare beast of a summer blockbuster that I hadn’t seen before. Although it was no classic I still enjoyed it more than its score would have suggested.

Based on an 1960’s TV series, which I also missed, ‘Wild Wild West’ follows the adventures of Jim West (Will Smith) a government agent in the period just after the American Civil War. The world presented is not the one we know, with this one being steam-punked to the Nth degree. Jim’s mission is to investigate the disappearance of several top scientists, a job he is assisted in by Kevin Kline’s inventor and Salma Heyek’s eye candy.


The main baddie is played by Kenneth Branagh with an annoying Southern accent and a steam powered wheelchair. He has plans to use his mental machines to kidnap the president and break up the newly formed United States.



There is precious little done in the way of detection, with one mechanical led set piece crashing into the next one. Kline and Smith don’t have any rapport at all and all the laughs come from the fantastic gizmos and stunts. When the President (also played for no apparent reason by Kline) is captured by Branagh’s giant mechanical spider our men have to get him back, save the day and throw in as many bad jokes and costume changes as the running time will allow.

I did quite like the film but given that it’s so patently awful I’ll have to class it as a guilty pleasure. The effects and machines are great but so unbelievable that any sense of reality is quickly lost. Smith and Kline are both likable guys but they don’t gel here, especially given the weak dialogue they are given to interact with. The support form Hayek and M. Emmet Walsh was underused and, although hamming it up for all he was worth, the largely CGI Branagh was miscast.

The film had enough to keep my interest and the effects were great, but over all the poor script and rudderless direction means that its reputation and low status are fully deserved.

Best Bit : Definitely not Will Smith in drag.

‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No.36 : Who Made the Potatoe Salad? (2006)

Who Made the Potatoe Salad?


Sorry pedants everywhere, that’s really the correct spelling of the title. I don’t know why, unless they are implying that the person posing the question can’t spell, but the issue is never raised in the film, although the identity of the potato salad creator is requested.

I’d be frankly amazed if anyone reading this has heard of, never mind seen this film. I found it on a random trawl through the internet and managed to find an unloved and clearly unwatched copy.

The film stars Jaleel White, who seemingly is the ‘Urkel’ Homer Simpson talks about, as a policeman in San Diego. He isn't good at his job, losing a pair of criminals and his trousers in the opening sequence. Things are looking up however, as he plans to propose to his infeasibly beautiful girlfriend. After accepting the girl invites him to her parents’ for Thanksgiving so that he can get permission from her father.

Predictably the visit is a disaster for both our man, Michael, and the viewing public who have to watch over an hour of humourless housebound ‘hilarity’. Michael’s fiancée has a family full of stereotypes from the cranky dad who hates cops to her pimpy drug dealing brother. Various fissures open up from Michael’s reluctance to eating pork to him having a boner at breakfast.

Hoping to salvage the situation Michael stages a fake burglary so that he can save the day. Unfortunately for the burglar, the family get to him first and beat the crap out of him. With his deceit exposed Michel is expelled from the family home and sent home in disgrace. Can the obstinate Dad be turned around and can the marriage proposal get back on tracks?

This was a gawd awful car crash of a movie. It’s basically a sub-par black version of ‘Meet the Parents’ only without the laughs but with more racial slurs. N-bombs are dropped all over the place with virtually all the black cast being shown as stupid and prejudiced. If the script had been written by the Klan I wouldn't have been surprised.

I'm sure the humour was ironic and playing on the stereotypes used but it was handled so poorly that it just looks like a load of offensive trash. The characters were so thinly drawn they were transparent and the only time I laughed was when someone got stuck to a sofa that had been covered in plastic. My bad, I know. It’s not that I don’t like this sort of humour with ‘I’m Gonna Git You Sucka’ one of my favourites, it’s just that this was a lazy, pale imitation of something half decent and worthwhile.

The title ,for some unknown reason, came from a sequence at a family dinner where Michael enquired about the maker of the potato salad. In reply came a two minute salvo of abuse and swearing and I’ve no idea why. Is it a black thing? I doubt it, what I do know is that it was an unfunny thing.


Best Bit : Eddie Griffin shows up, on tape, but is sadly all sweary and laugh free.

‘W’ Score 5/23

No.34 : Wild Rovers (1971)

Wild Rovers at the IMDb

William Holden and Ryan O’Neil star in this underseen western (Less than 400 IMDb votes!) directed by Pink Panther helmer Blake Edwards. It’s not hard to see why it hasn’t caught the imagination like some of its contemporaries as it’s a bit forgettable.

Our two heroes play a pair of cattlemen who dream of having a ranch but can’t save a dime when the booze and hookers hove into view after a long time on the plains. When a cow poke dies in a needless accident they decide to rob a bank rather than continue with their dangerous and poorly paid profession.

Rather than go down the exciting route of a traditional stick up, they decide to kidnap the bank manager’s family and get him to hand over the cash. Things go smoothly and they score $34,000, but predictably their problems are only just beginning. They are forced to double up in the saddle when a cougar takes a bite out of one of their horses and they have an extra mouth to feed in the shape of a new born puppy - awww.

After some decent haggling which swaps the puppy for a mule they set off with the posse in hot-ish pursuit - leaving trail leader Karl Malden a bit short handed, especially as some gits are open ranging sheep on their land.

The ‘Wild Rovers’ title is more relevant as the film progresses are our men try to rope some wild horses and generally rough it, but you’re never convinced that their luxury trailers are more than 50 feet away. When a town looms up on the horizon they decide to have one last blow out before heading to Mexico and their new life. If the diversion sounds like a bad idea wait until O’Neil decides to get involved in a high stakes poker game!

With the posse now close by and one of our team injured it’s anyone’s guess who, if anyone, will make the promised land.

I didn’t actively dislike this film but it doesn’t have anything to recommend it either. The two leads are usually watchable but they are given precious little to work with here. The idea of breaking away from the daily grind is a familiar one, but is tempered with the ‘crime doesn’t pay’ message. The usual life on the range clichés are trotted out and despite some stunning Monument Valley locations it has little to set it apart from 100 other films.

Holden’s wise old timer is set against O’Neil’s hot headed youth but they never really get into what you’d call conflict or great camaraderie. With the cast and locations available a great film was a definite possibility but instead we get a mediocre one, that deserves its relative anonymity.


Best Bit : Poker Shoot Out!
‘W’ Rating 12/23

No.29 : WarGames (1983)

War Games at the IMDb

A youthful Matthew Broderick stars in this 1983 film, that sees a teenage hacker nearly kick start world war 3. When this was made the Cold War was at its height and the scenario depicted wasn’t as far fetched then as it may seem now.

The story follows teenage computer wiz, David, who accidentally breaks into a government computer when seeking some secret video games from a nearby company. After starting a game called ‘Thermonuclear War’ he forgets about it until the news reports a NORAD security breach. Things deteriorate fast when the computer insists on playing the game for real, mistaking David for its presumed dead creator. The Feds are soon on the scene taking David into custody, while the clock counts ever closer to doomsday.



The usual array of stuffed shirts try to address matters but of course only our man can help avert disaster with the help of his limber school chum Jennifer (Ally Sheedy) and the reclusive master programmer, whose demise has been somewhat exaggerated.

I hadn’t seen WarGames since a cinema trip more than 20 years ago, and I was surprised to see how well it stood up. A lot of it has stayed in my memory and I could even remember the password to the school’s computer (pencil) - more brain cells unnecessarily filled! Obviously the technology is a bit dated, as our man impresses his girl friend with his big floppy, but apart from that the story still seems quite plausible with the techno babble kept to a minimum. The pace is maintained throughout using a classic ticking clock approach and although the pay off is a bit preachy, it’s still a ride worth taking.

The cast is excellent apart from the red neck General who must have found his rank in a cereal box and Dr Falken whose whole range appears to be looking enigmatic. I especially liked nerdy Malvin who managed to be both rude and insensitive to order and the lovely Ally who despite playing a school girl was 21 when this was made, so it’s OK to ogle her yoga outfit!

Some of the tech was a bit ropey, such as hot wiring a call box with a ring pull, but overall it was one of the few childhood favourites that has held up to further scrutiny.

The film has spawned a straight to DVD sequel ‘The Dead code’ and we may have a look at that later if nothing else more promising shows up.

Best Bit : The visit to the Nerds‘ lair - ”You’re doing it now”

‘W’ Score 19/23

No.17 : Water Lilies (Naissance des pieuvres) (2007)

Water Lilies at the IMDb

Here’s the first film where the translation has suited our cause - the literal translation from the French, according to Babelfish, is ‘Birth of the Octopuses’ but I think ‘Water Lilies’ was a better choice, all things considered.

The film follows three 15 year old girls all of who are involved in the exciting world of synchronized swimming. One girl is a flat chested slow developer who has feelings for a bustier girl who in turn fancies the local stud but is scared to go all the way. Sandwiched between them is a dumpy girl who is willing to go all the way but has trouble snaring her favourite candidate, the busty one‘s frustrated boyfriend.



The themes of adolescence and the onset of womanhood are well handled and, despite a promising set up, I’m sure the dirty Mac brigade were left disappointed. There are a lot of scenes of young girls in swim suits frolicking about underwater and I’m sure if I shot the same thing in my local baths I’d be arrested, but the innocence and charm are preserved and it was in no way salacious or suspect. Well apart from one girl and she was over 18.




The love square that develops is well done with each of the four main characters only one person away from the one they want. No one seems happy at the end, so it’s a well made lesson in what they can expect from life!

The version I saw appeared to have been subtitled by a Dalek as the translations were rudimentary at best. Saying that it speaks volumes for the leads as at no point was I unsure of anyone’s emotions or motivations. At a relatively short 80 minutes the film asks little of you and your efforts are well rewarded with a touching well crafted experience.

Best Bit : All of it apart from the changing room and swimming pool scenes. Officer.

‘W’ Score 16/23

No.13 : War Made Easy (2007)

War Made Easy at the IMDb

This film falls squarely into the category of films that I wouldn’t normally watch unless it fell under the scope of some madcap movie watching quest. That isn’t a bad thing necessarily and I have unearthed a few gems under these circumstances.

Sadly on this occasion the first instinct was correct and the film was a complete waste of 80 minutes of my rapidly depleting life. It’s basically a long lecture on the bleeding obvious against a backdrop of stock footage. Added to the misery is that the narration is done by Sean Penn who’s own views are widely known, a situation that doesn’t lead you to believe that you are getting a balanced picture.

The general point is that for the past 50 years US presidents have used the same tactics to justify going to war. These include demonising their target and preaching peace whilst having an aggressive agenda. To justify this patently obvious argument a single talking head is employed, who talks us through a clearly jaundiced position. How a balanced view can be achieved with only one opinion on show isn’t addressed and this only serves to reinforce the feeling that the creator’s position is being rammed down your throat.

I doubt if the targets would deny much of what they are accused of. Clearly P.R. spin is prevalent in all news and press but what do they expect? Have the dictators and madmen carry on unopposed? I’m not naïve enough to believe everything I’m told but I also don’t need a documentary to tell me the government may angle things in their favour.

The background footage of wars and carefully edited clips added to the feeling of bad taste that this left wing propaganda left behind. No entertainment or insight just a lot of spin from people who set out to expose the very same thing in others.

Best Bit : The end credits

‘W’ Rating : 5/23

No.12 : White Squall (1996)

White Squall at the IMDb



White Squall is an account of the real life sinking of the schooner Albatross which occurred in 1961 with the loss of several lives.



The film opens with a crew of misfit school boys arriving for a year of schooling and sea faring on the ill fated vessel. Each boy has his own cross to bear such as fear of heights, parental problems or learning difficulties, all of which are to be addressed through the course of the film. The crew meet their skipper, played by an unconvincing sea salt Jeff Bridges, and soon set to sea.



After some adventures involving Dutch schoolgirls and a Cuban gun boat the crew begin to bond and enjoy their time at sea. Unfortunately the boat is hit and sunk by a tropical storm known as a ‘white squall’ and several hands are lost. A board of enquiry is formed to determine blame, and for a last time the crew have to work together.



I felt this film had a lot in common with a favourite of mine ‘Memphis Belle’. Both are great to look at and involved a mismatched group of young men who have to bond together through adversity. It wasn’t as enjoyable as 'Memphis Belle' but there is a lot to like, not least the cracking photography and effortless direction by Ridley Scott.



Some of the plot points were telegraphed somewhat, with the various defects in the boys’ characters faced with regular monotony. There were some surprises such as the killing of a dolphin and an out break of V.D., but for the most part you are just waiting for the storm to start.



I was a bit disappointed in the grand finale as the jerky camera and sea spray made it hard to see what was going on. Obviously this conveyed the fear and panic well, but I’d have preferred a clearer view on the fates of characters that I’d invested 90 minutes in.



The final scenes at the enquiry smacked a bit of ‘Dead Poets’ Society’ and it could have been replaced with a couple of captions instead of the 20 minutes of hugging we were treated to. It is a film well worth seeing, especially if dolphin abuse and sailing are your thing.



Best Bit : Going native at the Galapagos



‘W’ Rating 17/23

No. 11 : WALL-E (2008)

Wall-E at the IMDb



Wall-e has been hard to miss this summer with a marketing blitz and merchandise frenzy that would make George Lucas blush. Items such as that pictured here somewhat undo the message of reducing waste as landfills the world over will be full of WALL-E crap in no time at all. Still it’ll keep him busy I suppose.



This animated film is set 700 years after mankind has left a rubbish filled planet Earth. The plan was to return after 5 years at which time an army of Wall-E robots will have cleaned things up. For reasons revealed later that doesn’t happen and only one wall-E is left, surviving by cannibalising parts from his expired colleagues.



As you’d expect in such a film Wall-E is eccentric and quirky. Rather than do his job he takes home a load of old crap and watches a VHS copy of ‘Hello Dolly’. His lonesome existence is interrupted when a spaceship deposits a robot ’EVE’ which tears up the joint in the search for something that turns out to be a weed. After some initial hostility the pair soon become friend through an annoying sequence of whirrs, chirps and screen displays.



The finding of the weed brings back the space ship and having taken on WALL-E as a stowaway our pals head off to the mother ship which is now populated by a crew of fat ass humans who get about in motorized chairs. Most are happy with their existence but the Captain dreams of a return home and the weed is the signal that the planet may be habitable again. But wait, that nasty ship’s computer has a vested interest in the status quo!



Given its ‘U’ certificate it’s be churlish to pick many nits with WALL-E. It looks good and it certainly deliver what it promises. I was a bit disappointed at the lack of laughs all of which seemed to be of the falling over variety. The two main robots never speak apart from the odd word and given that it’s hard to engage with the characters - no R2-D2 this pair. The messages about wastefulness and exercise were pounded home endlessly and at times I thought it was more of a lecture than an entertainment.



It is, I’m sure, great stuff for the under 5’s but for me it was a disappointment and a pale cousin of ‘The Incredibles’ and ‘Ratatouille’.



Best Bit : The montage of WALL-E looking after Eve trough rain and shine was well done



‘W’ score 13 /23

No. 7 : Wise Guys (1986)

Wise Guys at the IMDb



This 1986 alleged comedy has a lot to recommend it with Brian DePalma directing and Danny DeVitto and Joe Piscopo staring with support from Harvey Keitel, but sadly it’s a lot less than the sum of its parts.



The story concerns two minor mob members who decide to back their own horse rather than their boss’s selection. Naturally the boss’ horse wins and our men are in trouble. Rather than act like any mob boss who ever existed this guy decides to make a game of things and sets our heroes against each other - kill the other to survive.



Comedy then withers on the vine as our heroes watch their backs and each other unsure if either is willing to save their skin by turning on the other.






I didn’t raise a smile once during this limp effort but to be fair comedy isn’t really DePalma’s strong suit, given he made his name with Carrie, Scarface and Casualties of War. Better could be expected of DeVito and Saturday Night live man Pispico but the script is as weak as an asthmatic sloth.



Every gangland cliché you care to mention is trotted out and the gun totting baddies look like they wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Add to this no laughs and no sense of danger and you get an exercise in complete pointlessness.



A total turkey and only worth a look if you want to see Danny DeVito with hair.



Best Bit : There’s Phil out of The Sopranos!



‘W’ Score 10/23

No.6 : War of the Worlds 2 : The Next Wave (2008)

IMDb Link : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1183733/




It's interesting to note that June of 2005 saw the release of three separate War of the Worlds films. One was the well known Spielberg/Cruise effort and the second was a period piece that you can only buy over the web. The other version was a cash in designed to piggy-back the Spielberg effort and it must have enjoyed some success as it spawned this straight to DVD sequel.



I’ve not seen the original, and the plethora of War of the Worlds titles make it hard to pin point, but given the quality of the sequel I doubt I’ll bother. We do get a few minutes of recap at the beginning of ‘The Next Wave‘, no doubt to boost the weedy sub 90 minutes running time.




This film opens two years after the initial alien invasion has been repelled. Seemingly the victory was somewhat pyrrhic as there is no army or government and the resistance is based in a scrap yard. Unbelievably they do a have a fleet of Stealth bombers which have been adapted to fly in space using captured alien technology. No, really. It’s just as well really as the aliens are coming back and this time they have filters to stop another bacterial defeat.




Our hero and son are struggling to get by, with his birthday present being a tin of Ravioli - happy days. Things speed up as Earth resistance, helped by a scientist who thinks she’s Blanche DuBois, make a strike on the aliens’ mother ship while our man tries to find his son who has been captured by the bad guys.




This film is total rubbish. No ifs or buts, it’s crap. The main concern is budgetary with the aliens’ hive looking like the inside of a hooker’s boudoir. “Don’t touch the walls!” is the oft repeated advice - wise words, they may fall over. The big reveal that the action is actually happening on Mars is a cracker and explained by the aliens recreating a disused industrial estate as a ‘petri dish’ for captured humans. Lucky that, must have saved a fortune on special effects.




The aliens draw humans’ blood by putting a bag over their heads and the stunning alien vistas are all shown from the character’s point of view, meaning a big drawing can be used. Cheapness can be excused if there is a good script and top notch acting but alas both are missing in action. The story is a hybrid of ‘Independence Day’ and ‘I, Robot’ and the cast has the acting talent of an Ikea living room set.




Truly awful and to make matters worse they leave the door open for another sequel!




Best Bit : The downed fighter taking off with a cargo of people was pretty good even if the action was all off camera (again).




‘W’ Rating : 8/23

No.5 : When A Man Loves A Woman (1994)

IMDb Link : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111693/




Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia star in this ponderous tale of heavy drinking and child slapping. The film opens with the couple pretending not to know each other in a bar and chatting each other up, to the annoyance of the other horny patrons and the viewer at home. After this bar room setting various other scenes follow, all of which contain a casually placed beer bottle or cocktail. Remember that, it may be important.




Things get worse rapidly as we see Meg swigging bottles of vodka hidden in the laundry and falling over a lot. Things hit rock bottom when she slaps her nagging daughter and crashes through the shower door while pished. Garcia who up to now was in blissful ignorance, sauntering about in his pilot’s uniform, immediately checks her into rehab. From here the blame game starts and the films unravels. Meg is a real pain and wimpy Andy just looks doleful. As the couple grow apart a youthful Phillip Seymour Hoffman shows up to drive a wedge between them and, as the marriage crumbles, all seems lost. But of course, it isn’t.




I started out enjoying this preachy tosh, with every sign of booze an amusing portent of doom. Once the family collapses and the rehab sequence starts things get an awful lot duller and less entertaining. Endless scenes of sobbing kids are inter cut with shouting matches, and frankly it was an effort to stay with it. At the end the moral seemed to be ‘Keep drinking or your family will fall apart’. That can’t be right surely?




At a hefty two hours ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’ asks a lot of its audience and I for one would recommend a stiff drink or three to get you through it.




Best Bit : Meg’s shower stumble - don’t get up! - Oh wait do.




‘W’ Rating 13/23

No. 4 : When Worlds Collide (1951)

IMDb Link : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0044207/


This classic 1951 slice of Sci-fi sees the Earth doomed by an impending planetary impact - can some desperate plans save at least some of humanity?


I saw this as a kid and my first surprise was that it was in colour, I’d have sworn blind it was black and white! The film opens with some astronomers doing their sums and fretting over some disturbing data. Things seem to be finalised in quick order, as when our courier hero requests a pay bump he gets it with the cryptic statement “It doesn’t matter, money won’t be worth anything soon anyway”. Great secret keeping boffin! Even more surprising is the fact that our man accepts this with a shrug of the shoulders.


After 20 minutes of procrastination, including a ‘Mind Your Language’ inspiring United Nations meeting, it’s finally agreed that we’re screwed. Happily there is no ‘Armageddon’ style save the planet mission and the only option is making like a shepherd and getting the flock out. The massive expense of the evacuation is quickly under written by a great wheelchair bound baddie, who declares his only interest to be self preservation. He’ll get away, no worries.


The film flies along quickly and even manages to cram in an unnecessary love triangle and a cute kid who then finds an ever cuter dog. Mankind accepts its fate somewhat stoically, but ten minutes before impact everyone makes for the ship. Will the wheel chair make it up the ramp? And will the glue on the model hold?


This is a film that it’s hard to dislike despite some ropey sets and model work. Somehow the director forgets to include any footage of the two Earth impacts, and no doubt our heroes are upset to find their brave new world is just a big matte painting . Bugger!


Best Bit : The world’s about to end ; you - make an elaborate countdown calendar for everyone!

‘
W’ Rating : 18/23

No. 3 : Welcome To Hard Times (1967)

IMDb Link : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062482/


Despite a stellar cast that includes Henry Fonda, Warren Oates and Lon Chaney Jnr. this 1967 western seems relatively unknown, garnering a meagre 404 votes on the IMDb. I caught it buried on TCM and have to say that, despite some shortcomings, I found it somewhat enjoyable.


Henry Fonda plays the mayor of a one horse frontier town which is ransacked by a single outlaw replete in black hat and stubble. All the men of the town suffer brown trousers and stand by as the town is burned and hooker raped. Showing some contradictory cajones Fonda sticks around with plans to rebuild the titular town. His luck is in when it’s quickly repopulated by a gaggle of prostitutes and various other settlers. As time passes the town starts to flourish, but everyone is aware that Black Hat may return at any moment.


Virtually every western cliché is trotted out as bar room fights spill out into the path of a grizzled prospectors pulling mules. I especially enjoyed the opening scene of carnage, as outrage after outrage is perpetrated on the townsfolk, with a horse being dispatched with utmost prejudice. The scene was reminiscent of Mongo’s rampage in ‘Blazing Saddles’ and was just as funny.


There is however a lot to like and Fonda does well with his poorly written and contradictory character. The final denouement is another cause for mirth as the young lad, who was warned off his shot gun earlier on, makes his dramatic entrance...


Worth tracking down for an entertaining 100 minutes, with more laughs than a whole series of ‘My Family’.


Best Bit : “He’s set fire to the saloon - again!”


‘W’ Score 14/23

No 2 : When The Wind Blows (1986)

IMDb Link : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090315/


‘When the Wind Blows’ is an 1986 animated film based on Raymond Briggs’ book of the same name. It follows the experiences of an elderly couple during their preparations for, and the aftermath of a nuclear attack.


I had quite fond memories of this film but on revisiting it I found that like Jim and Hilda it hadn’t aged well. The animation is fine and I liked the use of model sets and stock footage which was used to demonstrate events out with the couples’ home. The voice acting is good too with John Mills carrying most of the film as the chirpy and optimistic Jim.


I was less impressed with the ponderous narrative and the message which was hammered home relentlessly. Nuclear wars are bad - we get it. I also found much of the dialogue a bit tiresome with Jim’s relentless optimism and home spun philosophy somewhat grating. “It’s logical, Duck” is repeated endlessly and although I appreciate that they are simple folk making the best of an impossible situation, it’s wearisome at best.


The film is relentlessly bleak with all facets of war being thrust upon our heroes with fall-out, diarrhea and the lack of newspapers all causing grief. At the close of the film the happy couple are fading fast and sending out prayers to God who has been little in evidence thus far.
It’s not a film you could ever call enjoyable but it’s well made and an interesting artefact of more worrying times. Just don’t watch it if you’re on anti-depressants.


Best Bit
I liked the ominous bombers and submarines inter cut with some happy countryside moments.


‘W’ Rating : 16/23