No.278 : Watermelon (2003)

Watermelon at the IMDb

Rochdale born actress Anna Friel mangles her way through this 2003 ITV TV movie with the worst Irish accent this side of the Blarney Stone.

Friel plays Claire who is meant to be a free spirit but just comes across as a total nightmare. She drags her dim-witted boyfriend from Dublin  to London on the pretext that she has a job lined up. Of course she doesn’t, and it’s only an interview which goes terribly apart from some flirting with a dishy young man on the panel. The interview ends suddenly when Anna throws up on some fish, but yer man isn’t put off and the two head to the pub.

After a full sesh she spurns the young man’s advances only to find that, in a surprising moment of wisdom, her boyfriend has decided to head back to Ireland. Without missing a beat Anna calls back the shorn suitor and the two spend the night together. Things are soon looking up, with Anna getting a photocopying job at the same magazine she threw up at along side the new smitten boyfriend.

But wait! We need drama, and Anna finds out she’s pregnant. The two move in together and in a quick montage we see Anna’s belly swell up so that she looks like the watermelon of the title - think I’d be taking my watermelon back to the green grocer if it looked like that! Anna knows the baby’s father is boyfriend one, but being a conniving wee cow, sorry free spirit, she doesn’t tell the hapless fool. Things come together when her waters break at work and she has to tell the hospital that she’s gone full term. Even the dopey new boyfriend manages to work out that he only started boffing Anna 7 months ago so he’s holding another man’s baby.

Mildly upset he stomps off and Anna heads back to Dublin and into the home of her shamed parents, including mum Brenda Fricker off ‘So I Married an Axe Murderer‘. Anna suffers some minor travails and Dad has a heart attack owing to his daughter being a tart and all that. She also bad mouths the innocent father who gamely offers to come back on the scene. Meanwhile, the London lover has shacked up with his frankly better option boss but loses the rag when she tries to repaint the nursery.

The scene is set for a big confrontation as the two men, for reasons unknown, vie for the affections of the free loving Anna and her screaming kid.

This wasn’t so much a modern day morality tale as some sink estate wish fulfilment. I couldn’t see any redeeming features in Anna’s character at all, although to be fair, she did do some excellent bath work. The two male leads were dreadful with neither having a spark of personality. The big restaurant denouement was a shouting match with handbags that was more cringey than gallant or brave.

Overall this was a throwaway piece of fluff that offered nothing in the way of social commentary or even entertainment. The character arcs were unbelievable and the happy ending didn’t ring true at all.

Best Bit : Bath Time! W Score 11/23

No.245 : What Richard Did (2012)

What Richard Did at the IMDb

 If you regard knowing ‘What Richard Did’ as a spoiler, walk away now as it would be hard to discuss the film without mentioning the pivotal event. You’d probably guess anyway - it’s hardly going be that he cheated at Scrabble or something.

This is an Irish film from 2012 with an unknown cast and an almost drama-documentary approach to the storytelling. The characters all chat over each other and there is very little in the way of music, but you are drawn in and the film makes you feel like an onlooker to actual events.

The titular Richard is a young Irish rugby player. He has rich parents who own a beach house and he is the leader of his group of pals. They all look up to him and we see him carrying out good deeds such as taking a youngster under his wing and helping a girl on the verge of being date raped. These philanthropic traits are however seen in a different light later on when his skills at lying as used for less worthy goals and he is also seen to have weaknesses of his own.

The first half hour of the film is taken up with Richard and his friends heading to the beach house having bought a cargo of beer. You wonder what the point of it all is, as it trundles along with meandering scenes and largely pointless dialogue. It does well at setting the tension levels however as you are keen to know what it is that he did and when he’s going to do it - it’s Itchy and Scratchy heading to the fireworks  factory all over again!

Although handsome, fit and a friend to all we gradually get the idea that Richard maybe isn’t all he’s cracked up to with throwaway comments about people’s accents and bulimics suggesting he may be more of a dick than we initially thought. Things come to a head when he jealously sits at a party watching his new girlfriend chat to friends including a former boyfriend, and team mate of Richard, Conor.

After brooding outside the party for a while Richard confronts Conor and the two fight. After Conor gets a beating from Richard with the aid of his rugby mates, Richard gives him a final kick to the head before heading home. The next morning they learn that Conor has died of his injuries and the remainder of the film deals with the fallout. Will Richard come clean to the police or will he try to escape the consequences of his actions?

I enjoyed this moral drama and, although slightly ambiguous in its ending, I’m sure that the seeds peppered throughout the film pointed towards Richard’s character flaws dictating his final response. Although hanging on one event and decision the 85 minute film didn’t seem padded with a lot of effort put into the character development that ensured the subsequent revelations were well earned.

There were lots of scenes that ended abruptly or seemed to have little relevance but the compound effect of these was to make you feel like a voyeur peeping into the lives of others. The acting was top notch and Jack Reynor did a good job as Richard, making him likable but objectionable all at once.

At the end I don’t think there was much in the way of ambiguity and you could level accusations against the film of not having much to say. It is however an intense character piece and a great example of someone being built up and then slowly dismantled by his flaws.

‘W’ Rating 17/23
Best bit : Going for the 3 points!

No.201 : Whole Lotta Sole (2011)

Whole Lotta Sole at the IMDb

Fear not spelling fans - we have that title correctly spelt. A fish based pun in the title - this comedy promises plenty!

Set in Belfast, the film follows a variety of characters whose paths are destined to cross. The least appealing but most watchable is Mad Dog a foul mouthed Irish gangster who runs an amusement arcade and illicit casino. He decks his wife for saying he fires blanks and clearly parenthood is a touchy subject.

Meanwhile in his casino, young dad Jimbo is losing his money and getting deep in the hole. Mad Dog threatens to kill him unless he can raise the £5k in two days - his only option may be to rob the titular fish market. To this end he engages his hapless pal and visits his ex-IRA granddad who thinks the troubles are still ongoing. The old man gives them his tommy gun but insists on tagging along.

Elsewhere Bostonian Brendan Fraser is in town minding an antiques shop for his cousin. We know he has a dodgy past but he seems a decent bloke and certainly impresses the local Ethiopian lovely. Added to the mix is cantankerous police chief Colm Meaney and his community policeman son and a gang of gypsies who may or may not be up to no good.

The robbery goes down badly with little money to be found, but a battered case may be the real prize. As the players converge on Brendan’s shop a hostage situation ensues - will the right people go down and will all the relationships be mended? Hope so!

This was a decent slice of fun that lacked any real ambition. They must have netted Brendan Fraser on his holidays because the rest of the production looks like it shared the budget with an episode of ‘Father Ted’. It did start brightly with some colourful characters and situations introduced. Mad Dog played by David O’Hara had some real menace although his baby snatching plan lacked credibility. I liked Jimbo less, mainly because he was played as a loveable scallywag but came across as a feckless arse. His pal and Grandfather offered more laughs and for the most part Jimbo just shouted ‘be quiet’ a lot as his feeble brain checked through his options.

Colm Meaney did his usual stand up job although the subplot involving his relationship with his son could have been jettisoned with no loss whatsoever. It was good that he got experience of sieges as he’s on the opposite side of one in the new Alan Partridge film. Fraser was OK but I didn’t engage with him on any level. He was meant to be sympathetic and bit mysterious but he came across as largely disinterested.

For me the film lost its way when the siege started and given that took up the last hour of the 90 minute film it was always going to struggle to get a positive review. That said it did have a certain charm and at least two laughs which is better than most. I think if this was caught as a TV movie you’d feel you’d done well but as a cinema or DVD outing you can’t help but feel a bit short-changed.


Best Bit : Cod Knows   ‘W’ Score 12/23

No.76 : Waking Ned (1998)

Waking Ned at the IMDb

When a lottery ticket sold in a small Irish town is reported to have won the jackpot the locals are curious as to the identity of the lucky winner. After all the possibilities have been investigated only one name remains - Ned Devine. Local character Jackie, shamefully goes around to Ned’s house with a bit of chicken to ingratiate himself, but unfortunately finds the lucky winner dead, still clutching the winning ticket with a grin on his lifeless face.

Rather than phone the police and undertaker Jackie nabs the ticket and enlists his pal Michael in a scheme to defraud the lotto. Ned however knew not to trust his neighbours, and wrote his name on the back meaning only he can claim the prize. The dodgy duo don’t like the thought of the money going to the state, as Ned has no known family, so they decide to masquerade as the passed on pensioner.

Their initial plan for Jackie to play Ned is scuppered when they are caught unawares by the lotto agent and it falls to the less nimble tongued Michael to play the part of Ned. For some reason the agent says he’ll have to ask around the village before issuing the cheque and the pair have to agree to split the cash around the community rather than keep it all for their greedy selves as initially planned.

The morally bankrupt village all sign up to the plan which will see them share £7 million, but one just citizen may yet put a spanner in the works. As the lotto agent signs over the cheque the ‘evil witch’ is on her way to spoil the party but fate has yet to play all of its cards.

This film sets up the main protagonists as a couple of old rogues but I felt they came across as a bit suspect on many fronts. When Ned is found dead with his ticket he’s described as having been there for days - lovely community spirit there! Despite leaving his corpse to fester for days they all remember him as their best pal when the money shows up.

To be fair Ian Bannen is likeable in the lead role and, if you discount his nude motorcycling scenes , David Kelly is good value as the stand in Ned - nice to see his arm grew back after ‘Robin’s Nest’ too! The gentle nature of the film, despite its many crimes and indeed deaths, means that there is no danger or threat to speak of and it’s a question of when rather than if they’ll get the money. Little time is given to the morality of the issue, with the dead Ned who is presumably Catholic, being left in purgatory for ever more.

To pad things out there is a love triangle story bolted on which has almost nothing to do with the main event apart from a weak and frankly unbelievable reveal at the end. The whole love story, that involves Jimmy Nesbitt, is really far fetched mainly because the girl being fought over is really ugly with eyebrows that’d have Denis Healey reaching for the scissors.

This isn’t a particularly bad film but it failed to engage me and it doesn’t have the roguish community spirit seen in superior films like ‘Whisky Galore’. The diddle-dee music throughout was also pretty grating and I’m sure the Irish tourist board loved the depiction of their people as a bunch on conniving Guinness drinking fraudsters.

Best Bit : Not David Kelly in the raw
Waking Ned at the IMDb
‘W’ Rating 12/23

No.44 : War of the Buttons (1994)

War of the Buttons at the IMDb


A bit of family fun now with ‘War of the Buttons’ a gentle tale of boys growing up in Ireland and discovering all the usual stuff you get in films like this, you know, responsibility, girls, killing wildlife etc.

Set in contemporary Ireland the film tells the story of a rivalry between two groups of boys from neighbouring villages. Things start off in minor fashion with the odd bit of vandalism but soon escalate into all out war. Not tough guy war, more of a girly slap fest kind of conflict.

When a rival boy is captured our heroes cut the buttons from his clothes as a battle trophy, hence the title. These are piled up in jars at their new HQ, where their schemes are devised. After a few retaliatory strikes our guys save their clothes by fighting in the nude in a Glittertastic scene.

Things come to a head when a rabbit gets injured (!) and the boys realise that they have more in common than they first thought - an affection for rabbits for one. After a pivotal battle things seem settled but one boy excluded from the fray decides to get a bit of revenge with his dad’s new tractor.

I quite enjoyed this film although the diddley-dee soundtrack made it made it sound like Riverdance’s backing tapes were on a constant loop. The mostly young cast were fine and it was good to see that they weren’t the usual crop of stage school kids. Of course being an Irish film Colm Meaney showed up, as required by Irish law, apparently. He gave good value as a booze offering loud mouth especially in a closing scene where we learn that the inter-village tensions are nothing new.

The themes of loss of innocence and empathy for the enemy were well explored and, in X-Factor parlance, they all went on a journey through the course of the film. Some scenes, such as the killing of a fox, were a bit upsetting but as the death blow happened off camera I’m sure Foxy came out of it OK.

The general feel of the film reminded me of those old Children’s’ Film Foundation films of the 1970’s, but since when was a slice of nostalgia a bad thing? The film wasn’t hard hitting, nor tried to be. It’s a decent bit of gentle family fun that is probably quite forgettable but strangely affecting at the same time.

Best Bit : Tractor Attack!

‘W’ Score 15/23