No.50 : Who Dares Wins (1982)

Who Dares Wins at the IMDb


The whole world watched as the S.A.S. stormed the Iranian embassy in 1980 killing terrorists and freeing hostages. Considerably fewer people watched ‘Who Dares Wins’ which is a crappy 1982 cash in starring Lewis ‘Bodie’ Collins.

The film starts with a ‘Ban the Bomb’ demo that has some really catchy slogans “5-6-7-8 we don’t want to irradiate” they chant. A man is the killed by a crossbow (very environmentally friendly there) and we learn that he is a government plant who had been discovered by the radicals. The Brass now have a problem - they know the Peoples’ Front have a high profile target, but what can it be?

In order to infiltrate the gang S.A.S. Captain Peter Skellen fakes some brutality on his men and is kicked out. Acting (term used loosely) all disaffected Skellen meets and instantly beds the terrorist leader who, to be frank, is a bit easy - but he is wearing his good blazer. Now on the inside Skellen starts to feed info to his contact but isn’t trusted by Triffid botherer John Duttine, who plays Red Rod.

When he is spotted snogging his wife and chatting to men on boats Skellens’s cover is blown but when his family is kidnapped he has to play along with the terrorists’ plan. They seize the American ambassador and a room full of brass and make the reasonable request that the government nuke Holy Loch for their release. Can Skellen help the impending rescue attempt from the inside using all his specialist training?

When I first saw this film when 12 I thought it was pretty cool and Lewis Collins a God, but sadly it isn’t and he’s a tosser. The whole set up is ridiculous for a start. Why is an S.A.S. captain being used as a covert operative? M.I.5 and C.I.5 all busy? I suppose this does explain why Skellen is a rubbish agent, getting made by everyone as soon as he shows up.

The scene where he seduces the lady terrorist is a laugh as blazer clad Lewis opens with “I want to take you to bed” and gets an immediate ‘OK‘. This hard as nails bitch basically gets all her pals killed as the next day Lewis is moving in and calling the shots. As a feminist radical Judy Davis’ character is a joke and she must have cringed when directed to fawn over Lewis and then simper up to him, asking advice.



The back up crew of Edward Woodward as the head copper and Richard Widmark as the ambassador basically show up for the paycheque. There is one laughable scene where Widmark debates the situation with the terrorists under gunpoint and still has them running off in tears - one up for the good guys!

The rescue is basically a straight steal of the real life event, even down to the trooper getting set on fire by flaming curtains. Only one gung-ho hostage bravely dies for a return of every terrorist including the black Scottish guy out of ‘Porridge’.

You obviously can’t take it too seriously with its caricature Red baddies and desperate acting, especially in a career ending performance from Collins, but it is OK as throwaway entertainment. The attempts at politics and commentary were heavy handed with a nasty Arab handing over fat cheques and dining with pinkos at parliament.

Another childhood memory tarnished thanks to the ‘W’ quest! That said, the two hours passed quickly and I still got a thrill when Lewis lead the troupe through the embassy with his Uzi. Just don’t tell anyone I said that.

Best Bit : Lewis smooth talks the knickers off the baddie

‘W’ Score 14/23

No.47 : Wild Roomies (2004)

Wild Roomies at the IMDb

Reno is having a hard time of it - he has a crappy job and comes home to find his roommate getting friendly with his girlfriend. He resolves never to have roommates again, but is soon on the hunt for more when he inherits a house and its mortgage in L.A. After screening out the obvious undesirables, Reno and his new girl choose a guy and a girl who seem great but are also really hot.

Suspicions soon fester, along with leftover food in the fridge, as the new set up begins to drive a wedge between the couple. When Reno’s business idea is stolen he heads back to Texas for a few days leaving his three roommates home alone - can they all behave, and what will be learned from the experience?



This was a pretty forgettable film with nothing really happening for the large part. It was like an episode of ‘Melrose Place’ with lots of beautiful people arguing and making up for the full running time of the film.

It starts badly with Reno losing his crummy job only to beat up his manager to the cheers of his co-workers. But no, it’s that tired old cliché of the revenge fantasy, from which he is awoken to his surprise, but certainly not ours. Things don’t improve when he gets left a large house and car in an Uncle’s video will. You only really get video wills in the movies, and this device to put our man back in the housing market was both lazy and clumsy.

The sequence of potential roommates being interviewed was stolen in its entirety from ‘Shallow Grave’, except they left out the laughs, decent acting and the ginger one from ‘Taggart’.

The sub plot about Reno designing a bag that look like a corn dog was undeveloped and uninteresting and the sexual tension between the leads was non-existent. The big surprise towards the end was very poor and nothing that had gone before it gave it any credibility whatsoever. I’ve no idea what we were supposed to learn from this film but ‘all women are sluts’ seemed to be the only message.

As you can probably guess I wasn’t a fan of ‘Wild Roomies’, a film originally called ‘Roomies’. No doubt the addition of the ‘Wild’ and suggestive cover will make for a few more rentals, but it is essentially the polishing of a turd. The name change did however allow it on this list, so well done for that at least!

Best Bit : A few saucy ladies kept me off the FF button.

‘W’ Score 7/23

No.44 : War of the Buttons (1994)

War of the Buttons at the IMDb


A bit of family fun now with ‘War of the Buttons’ a gentle tale of boys growing up in Ireland and discovering all the usual stuff you get in films like this, you know, responsibility, girls, killing wildlife etc.

Set in contemporary Ireland the film tells the story of a rivalry between two groups of boys from neighbouring villages. Things start off in minor fashion with the odd bit of vandalism but soon escalate into all out war. Not tough guy war, more of a girly slap fest kind of conflict.

When a rival boy is captured our heroes cut the buttons from his clothes as a battle trophy, hence the title. These are piled up in jars at their new HQ, where their schemes are devised. After a few retaliatory strikes our guys save their clothes by fighting in the nude in a Glittertastic scene.

Things come to a head when a rabbit gets injured (!) and the boys realise that they have more in common than they first thought - an affection for rabbits for one. After a pivotal battle things seem settled but one boy excluded from the fray decides to get a bit of revenge with his dad’s new tractor.

I quite enjoyed this film although the diddley-dee soundtrack made it made it sound like Riverdance’s backing tapes were on a constant loop. The mostly young cast were fine and it was good to see that they weren’t the usual crop of stage school kids. Of course being an Irish film Colm Meaney showed up, as required by Irish law, apparently. He gave good value as a booze offering loud mouth especially in a closing scene where we learn that the inter-village tensions are nothing new.

The themes of loss of innocence and empathy for the enemy were well explored and, in X-Factor parlance, they all went on a journey through the course of the film. Some scenes, such as the killing of a fox, were a bit upsetting but as the death blow happened off camera I’m sure Foxy came out of it OK.

The general feel of the film reminded me of those old Children’s’ Film Foundation films of the 1970’s, but since when was a slice of nostalgia a bad thing? The film wasn’t hard hitting, nor tried to be. It’s a decent bit of gentle family fun that is probably quite forgettable but strangely affecting at the same time.

Best Bit : Tractor Attack!

‘W’ Score 15/23

No.40 : Walking Tall (2004)

Walking Tall at the IMDb

The Rock comes home to his town and finds it a crap hole. He cleans house. Er. That’s it.

Well I never thought ‘Walking Tall’ would be plot heavy and I certainly wasn’t disappointed. It was quite good fun though, and at 73 minutes you could watch it while making love to a beautiful woman and still have an hour to fill.

The Rock is an ex-special forces man and heads home after 8 years away. The town looks perfectly nice but we know it’s a stink hole when he walks past a pawn brokers and a dirty book shop. He has a belligerent Dad who doesn’t like guns (remember that for later kids!) and a nephew who is about to go off the tracks.


He meets up with his pal Johnny Knoxville, who has a record and sleazy acquaintance Neil McDonough who inherited the good old mill only to close it and build a casino instead. Sounds like a solid business plan but The Rock doesn’t agree, possibly due to a lacklustre lap dance they give him. After getting conned at dice he wrecks the joint but is carved up by some baddies who bushwhack him - didn’t he learn anything in the WWF?

After his nephew nearly overdoses on casino brand drugs The Rock heads over and beats the crap out of everyone. Unsurprisingly he gets charged but in an OJ style verdict he not only gets off but elected sheriff too! When he goes after the casino boys they take umbrage and try to kill him, his family and his now girlfriend lap dancer. After some carnage the final showdown is arranged at the Old Mill which is now the Old Crack factory. Can our man win the day? Or will the baddies triumph with the aid of dirty tricks and a folding chair?

It’s hard to criticise ‘Walking Tall’ as it does what it says on the tin. Yeah, the shades of black and white are absolute and the violence ridiculous but it’s good snappy fun with a likeable cast of heroes and villains. Why the bad guy wants to run a rigged casino when he has a guaranteed money making machine anyway is anyone’s guess, but if it was me I’d let the guy try and roll a six - you’ll be ahead more often than not. The love interest was pretty forgettable but give her her dues, she looked fine shooting guns in her red bra.

The conclusion was a bit too pat for my liking with no real casualties on the good guys side and a wealth of lawsuits, no doubt lined up by the baddies’ many orphans. It’s a lot of old cobblers but at just over an hour it’s a fun load of old cobblers that you won’t regret having watched. Unless you’re one of those ‘I like quality films’ people, then you’d be disappointed.

Best Bit :Get me my plank!

‘W’ Score 15/23

No.36 : Who Made the Potatoe Salad? (2006)

Who Made the Potatoe Salad?


Sorry pedants everywhere, that’s really the correct spelling of the title. I don’t know why, unless they are implying that the person posing the question can’t spell, but the issue is never raised in the film, although the identity of the potato salad creator is requested.

I’d be frankly amazed if anyone reading this has heard of, never mind seen this film. I found it on a random trawl through the internet and managed to find an unloved and clearly unwatched copy.

The film stars Jaleel White, who seemingly is the ‘Urkel’ Homer Simpson talks about, as a policeman in San Diego. He isn't good at his job, losing a pair of criminals and his trousers in the opening sequence. Things are looking up however, as he plans to propose to his infeasibly beautiful girlfriend. After accepting the girl invites him to her parents’ for Thanksgiving so that he can get permission from her father.

Predictably the visit is a disaster for both our man, Michael, and the viewing public who have to watch over an hour of humourless housebound ‘hilarity’. Michael’s fiancée has a family full of stereotypes from the cranky dad who hates cops to her pimpy drug dealing brother. Various fissures open up from Michael’s reluctance to eating pork to him having a boner at breakfast.

Hoping to salvage the situation Michael stages a fake burglary so that he can save the day. Unfortunately for the burglar, the family get to him first and beat the crap out of him. With his deceit exposed Michel is expelled from the family home and sent home in disgrace. Can the obstinate Dad be turned around and can the marriage proposal get back on tracks?

This was a gawd awful car crash of a movie. It’s basically a sub-par black version of ‘Meet the Parents’ only without the laughs but with more racial slurs. N-bombs are dropped all over the place with virtually all the black cast being shown as stupid and prejudiced. If the script had been written by the Klan I wouldn't have been surprised.

I'm sure the humour was ironic and playing on the stereotypes used but it was handled so poorly that it just looks like a load of offensive trash. The characters were so thinly drawn they were transparent and the only time I laughed was when someone got stuck to a sofa that had been covered in plastic. My bad, I know. It’s not that I don’t like this sort of humour with ‘I’m Gonna Git You Sucka’ one of my favourites, it’s just that this was a lazy, pale imitation of something half decent and worthwhile.

The title ,for some unknown reason, came from a sequence at a family dinner where Michael enquired about the maker of the potato salad. In reply came a two minute salvo of abuse and swearing and I’ve no idea why. Is it a black thing? I doubt it, what I do know is that it was an unfunny thing.


Best Bit : Eddie Griffin shows up, on tape, but is sadly all sweary and laugh free.

‘W’ Score 5/23

No.34 : Wild Rovers (1971)

Wild Rovers at the IMDb

William Holden and Ryan O’Neil star in this underseen western (Less than 400 IMDb votes!) directed by Pink Panther helmer Blake Edwards. It’s not hard to see why it hasn’t caught the imagination like some of its contemporaries as it’s a bit forgettable.

Our two heroes play a pair of cattlemen who dream of having a ranch but can’t save a dime when the booze and hookers hove into view after a long time on the plains. When a cow poke dies in a needless accident they decide to rob a bank rather than continue with their dangerous and poorly paid profession.

Rather than go down the exciting route of a traditional stick up, they decide to kidnap the bank manager’s family and get him to hand over the cash. Things go smoothly and they score $34,000, but predictably their problems are only just beginning. They are forced to double up in the saddle when a cougar takes a bite out of one of their horses and they have an extra mouth to feed in the shape of a new born puppy - awww.

After some decent haggling which swaps the puppy for a mule they set off with the posse in hot-ish pursuit - leaving trail leader Karl Malden a bit short handed, especially as some gits are open ranging sheep on their land.

The ‘Wild Rovers’ title is more relevant as the film progresses are our men try to rope some wild horses and generally rough it, but you’re never convinced that their luxury trailers are more than 50 feet away. When a town looms up on the horizon they decide to have one last blow out before heading to Mexico and their new life. If the diversion sounds like a bad idea wait until O’Neil decides to get involved in a high stakes poker game!

With the posse now close by and one of our team injured it’s anyone’s guess who, if anyone, will make the promised land.

I didn’t actively dislike this film but it doesn’t have anything to recommend it either. The two leads are usually watchable but they are given precious little to work with here. The idea of breaking away from the daily grind is a familiar one, but is tempered with the ‘crime doesn’t pay’ message. The usual life on the range clichés are trotted out and despite some stunning Monument Valley locations it has little to set it apart from 100 other films.

Holden’s wise old timer is set against O’Neil’s hot headed youth but they never really get into what you’d call conflict or great camaraderie. With the cast and locations available a great film was a definite possibility but instead we get a mediocre one, that deserves its relative anonymity.


Best Bit : Poker Shoot Out!
‘W’ Rating 12/23

No.33 : Working Girl (1988)

Working Girl at the IMDb

‘Working Girl’ is an 1988 chick flick in which all men are sexist buffoons and the women are sassy and undervalued - or complete bitches. That said, it’s decent enough entertainment if you can stomach the girl power message.

Melanie Griffith plays a downtrodden secretary who despite having more smarts that the rest of the office combined, fails to rise above her station. After rebuffing a chance to progress with a strangely hairy and heterosexual Kevin Spacey, she finds a new job as Sigourney Weaver’s assistant. At first the new boss is nice enough but when our girl rakes through her personal papers she finds that a business idea she had is being passed off as Sigourney’s own. Luckily the boss breaks her leg and is out of action, so our girl masquerades as a high flyer and attempts to broker the deal herself.

She enlists a bumbling Harrison Ford to help out and, of course, falls in love with him. Unfortunately Harrison is Sigourney’s boyfriend, a reveal that is so obvious to call it a twist would be a disservice to twists, wrong foots and gimmicks. When Sigourney comes home she uncovers Melanie’s many duplicities and tries to get back both her man and deal. Things come to a head in a boardroom showdown, with the outcome rarely in question.

I quite liked this film but I’m sure most woman watching would love it and be shouting ‘Go girl’ at regular intervals. Her downtrodden position with a cheating husband gave her a great platform to spring from, but if she’s so smart how did she end up there in the first place? Her character was too whiny and sneaky for my liking and although she was set up as a brave chance taker, she came over as a reckless and conniving chancer.

Her massive 80s hair looked mental but when she wandered about in her suspenders it was less of an issue. Joan Cusack provided her usual support as the grating pal and Alec Baldwin started a long career of specialising in sleazebags. The big business man they were trying to impress was unbelievably affable towards all the scheming and I think Sigourney’s character was hard done to. Harrison Ford just doesn't do romantic and his ‘I love yous‘ were as emotional as flushing the toilet.

The message of forget the system steal your bosses ideas and man will clearly inspire some people but alas only to a career in jail or the morgue. The film was a decent distraction and a funny time capsule to the 1980s, but there were no laughs and one too many annoying women and inspirational speeches for my full enjoyment.

Best Bit : Melanie does the vacuuming

‘W’ Score : 14/23

No.13 : War Made Easy (2007)

War Made Easy at the IMDb

This film falls squarely into the category of films that I wouldn’t normally watch unless it fell under the scope of some madcap movie watching quest. That isn’t a bad thing necessarily and I have unearthed a few gems under these circumstances.

Sadly on this occasion the first instinct was correct and the film was a complete waste of 80 minutes of my rapidly depleting life. It’s basically a long lecture on the bleeding obvious against a backdrop of stock footage. Added to the misery is that the narration is done by Sean Penn who’s own views are widely known, a situation that doesn’t lead you to believe that you are getting a balanced picture.

The general point is that for the past 50 years US presidents have used the same tactics to justify going to war. These include demonising their target and preaching peace whilst having an aggressive agenda. To justify this patently obvious argument a single talking head is employed, who talks us through a clearly jaundiced position. How a balanced view can be achieved with only one opinion on show isn’t addressed and this only serves to reinforce the feeling that the creator’s position is being rammed down your throat.

I doubt if the targets would deny much of what they are accused of. Clearly P.R. spin is prevalent in all news and press but what do they expect? Have the dictators and madmen carry on unopposed? I’m not naïve enough to believe everything I’m told but I also don’t need a documentary to tell me the government may angle things in their favour.

The background footage of wars and carefully edited clips added to the feeling of bad taste that this left wing propaganda left behind. No entertainment or insight just a lot of spin from people who set out to expose the very same thing in others.

Best Bit : The end credits

‘W’ Rating : 5/23

No.12 : White Squall (1996)

White Squall at the IMDb



White Squall is an account of the real life sinking of the schooner Albatross which occurred in 1961 with the loss of several lives.



The film opens with a crew of misfit school boys arriving for a year of schooling and sea faring on the ill fated vessel. Each boy has his own cross to bear such as fear of heights, parental problems or learning difficulties, all of which are to be addressed through the course of the film. The crew meet their skipper, played by an unconvincing sea salt Jeff Bridges, and soon set to sea.



After some adventures involving Dutch schoolgirls and a Cuban gun boat the crew begin to bond and enjoy their time at sea. Unfortunately the boat is hit and sunk by a tropical storm known as a ‘white squall’ and several hands are lost. A board of enquiry is formed to determine blame, and for a last time the crew have to work together.



I felt this film had a lot in common with a favourite of mine ‘Memphis Belle’. Both are great to look at and involved a mismatched group of young men who have to bond together through adversity. It wasn’t as enjoyable as 'Memphis Belle' but there is a lot to like, not least the cracking photography and effortless direction by Ridley Scott.



Some of the plot points were telegraphed somewhat, with the various defects in the boys’ characters faced with regular monotony. There were some surprises such as the killing of a dolphin and an out break of V.D., but for the most part you are just waiting for the storm to start.



I was a bit disappointed in the grand finale as the jerky camera and sea spray made it hard to see what was going on. Obviously this conveyed the fear and panic well, but I’d have preferred a clearer view on the fates of characters that I’d invested 90 minutes in.



The final scenes at the enquiry smacked a bit of ‘Dead Poets’ Society’ and it could have been replaced with a couple of captions instead of the 20 minutes of hugging we were treated to. It is a film well worth seeing, especially if dolphin abuse and sailing are your thing.



Best Bit : Going native at the Galapagos



‘W’ Rating 17/23

No. 11 : WALL-E (2008)

Wall-E at the IMDb



Wall-e has been hard to miss this summer with a marketing blitz and merchandise frenzy that would make George Lucas blush. Items such as that pictured here somewhat undo the message of reducing waste as landfills the world over will be full of WALL-E crap in no time at all. Still it’ll keep him busy I suppose.



This animated film is set 700 years after mankind has left a rubbish filled planet Earth. The plan was to return after 5 years at which time an army of Wall-E robots will have cleaned things up. For reasons revealed later that doesn’t happen and only one wall-E is left, surviving by cannibalising parts from his expired colleagues.



As you’d expect in such a film Wall-E is eccentric and quirky. Rather than do his job he takes home a load of old crap and watches a VHS copy of ‘Hello Dolly’. His lonesome existence is interrupted when a spaceship deposits a robot ’EVE’ which tears up the joint in the search for something that turns out to be a weed. After some initial hostility the pair soon become friend through an annoying sequence of whirrs, chirps and screen displays.



The finding of the weed brings back the space ship and having taken on WALL-E as a stowaway our pals head off to the mother ship which is now populated by a crew of fat ass humans who get about in motorized chairs. Most are happy with their existence but the Captain dreams of a return home and the weed is the signal that the planet may be habitable again. But wait, that nasty ship’s computer has a vested interest in the status quo!



Given its ‘U’ certificate it’s be churlish to pick many nits with WALL-E. It looks good and it certainly deliver what it promises. I was a bit disappointed at the lack of laughs all of which seemed to be of the falling over variety. The two main robots never speak apart from the odd word and given that it’s hard to engage with the characters - no R2-D2 this pair. The messages about wastefulness and exercise were pounded home endlessly and at times I thought it was more of a lecture than an entertainment.



It is, I’m sure, great stuff for the under 5’s but for me it was a disappointment and a pale cousin of ‘The Incredibles’ and ‘Ratatouille’.



Best Bit : The montage of WALL-E looking after Eve trough rain and shine was well done



‘W’ score 13 /23

No. 7 : Wise Guys (1986)

Wise Guys at the IMDb



This 1986 alleged comedy has a lot to recommend it with Brian DePalma directing and Danny DeVitto and Joe Piscopo staring with support from Harvey Keitel, but sadly it’s a lot less than the sum of its parts.



The story concerns two minor mob members who decide to back their own horse rather than their boss’s selection. Naturally the boss’ horse wins and our men are in trouble. Rather than act like any mob boss who ever existed this guy decides to make a game of things and sets our heroes against each other - kill the other to survive.



Comedy then withers on the vine as our heroes watch their backs and each other unsure if either is willing to save their skin by turning on the other.






I didn’t raise a smile once during this limp effort but to be fair comedy isn’t really DePalma’s strong suit, given he made his name with Carrie, Scarface and Casualties of War. Better could be expected of DeVito and Saturday Night live man Pispico but the script is as weak as an asthmatic sloth.



Every gangland cliché you care to mention is trotted out and the gun totting baddies look like they wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Add to this no laughs and no sense of danger and you get an exercise in complete pointlessness.



A total turkey and only worth a look if you want to see Danny DeVito with hair.



Best Bit : There’s Phil out of The Sopranos!



‘W’ Score 10/23

No.6 : War of the Worlds 2 : The Next Wave (2008)

IMDb Link : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1183733/




It's interesting to note that June of 2005 saw the release of three separate War of the Worlds films. One was the well known Spielberg/Cruise effort and the second was a period piece that you can only buy over the web. The other version was a cash in designed to piggy-back the Spielberg effort and it must have enjoyed some success as it spawned this straight to DVD sequel.



I’ve not seen the original, and the plethora of War of the Worlds titles make it hard to pin point, but given the quality of the sequel I doubt I’ll bother. We do get a few minutes of recap at the beginning of ‘The Next Wave‘, no doubt to boost the weedy sub 90 minutes running time.




This film opens two years after the initial alien invasion has been repelled. Seemingly the victory was somewhat pyrrhic as there is no army or government and the resistance is based in a scrap yard. Unbelievably they do a have a fleet of Stealth bombers which have been adapted to fly in space using captured alien technology. No, really. It’s just as well really as the aliens are coming back and this time they have filters to stop another bacterial defeat.




Our hero and son are struggling to get by, with his birthday present being a tin of Ravioli - happy days. Things speed up as Earth resistance, helped by a scientist who thinks she’s Blanche DuBois, make a strike on the aliens’ mother ship while our man tries to find his son who has been captured by the bad guys.




This film is total rubbish. No ifs or buts, it’s crap. The main concern is budgetary with the aliens’ hive looking like the inside of a hooker’s boudoir. “Don’t touch the walls!” is the oft repeated advice - wise words, they may fall over. The big reveal that the action is actually happening on Mars is a cracker and explained by the aliens recreating a disused industrial estate as a ‘petri dish’ for captured humans. Lucky that, must have saved a fortune on special effects.




The aliens draw humans’ blood by putting a bag over their heads and the stunning alien vistas are all shown from the character’s point of view, meaning a big drawing can be used. Cheapness can be excused if there is a good script and top notch acting but alas both are missing in action. The story is a hybrid of ‘Independence Day’ and ‘I, Robot’ and the cast has the acting talent of an Ikea living room set.




Truly awful and to make matters worse they leave the door open for another sequel!




Best Bit : The downed fighter taking off with a cargo of people was pretty good even if the action was all off camera (again).




‘W’ Rating : 8/23