No.347 : Wild Rose (2018)

Wild Rose at the IMDb

Off to the sunny climes of Glasgow now, as we witness one woman’s struggle to become a top country singer - don’t say ‘country & western’, that’s a no no.

The ‘Rose' of the title is Rose-Lynn a young Glasgow girl who, when the film starts, is being released from a one year sentence in prison that she received for smuggling drugs. She’s escorted out by Stevie the Bookie, and heads home on the bus as the opening credits roll, against an endless backdrop of country music. If you don’t like country music this is one to avoid, as it’s wall to wall.

She meets up with, and pumps, her old boyfriend before heading home to her mother's, Mrs Overall, who has been looking after her young children for her. She still harbours an ambition to be a country singer and heads back to reclaim her job at Glasgow’s Grand Old Opry. This goes poorly, partly because someone else has her job and partly due to Janie Godley being the barmaid.

Rose-Lynn has to wear a tag which inhibits her plans to be a club singer so she gets a job at a fancy house as a cleaner and befriends the  owner, Susannah. Susannah is a classy lady who married a boy made good from Clydebank. Despite her constant swearing she takes to Rose-Lynn despite the hammering her booze takes when she’s out.

Susannah’s connections in the media get Rose-Lynn a meeting with Radio 2’s Bob Harris who shows what a good DJ he is when he tries to act. He tells Rose-Lynn that she’ll need to write her own songs to be a success, but Rose-Lynn thinks if she can get to Nashville things will all be OK.

Things look up when she wins her appeal against being tagged and Susannah offers to sponsor her trip to the States. Trouble looms however as Susannah’s husband uncovers Rose-Lynn’s past and her ability to screw up every opportunity presented to her looms large. Can she get to Nashville and will this be the key to success that she imagines?

I quite liked this film but it suffered due to Rose-Lynn’s character. I get that she was meant to be a free spirit but her selfishness and rudeness throughout was a turn off for me. I know this was a path to her ultimate redemption but it was cringey to see all the people trying to help her only to be let down by Rose-Lynn’s tunnel vision ambition and lack of empathy. She was well played by Jessie Buckley, who certainly can sing, bit I had no investment in the character who was a serial waster.

It’s probably true that she was just immature but her realisation towards the end about what was important and what was her ultimate redemption seemed totally unearned.

The film was well made with the grimmer sides of Glasgow well realised, as were the more affluent. Mrs Overall did a passable Scottish accent and a few of the Glasgow characters, many of whom were never actors, added a bit of colour and realism.

The endless country ballads were a bit off-putting for me but if you like that sort of music, then is is one for you. The character’s miserable existence sprinkled with some hope for the future was like a 100 minute country song in itself and if that appeals then you, then you should fill your cowboy boots.

Best Bit : Opry Finale  ‘W’ Rating : 14/23

 

No.344 : West of Hell (2018)

West of Hell at the IMDb

 

All aboard Rick & Morty’s Story Train for this trip to Disappointment with stops at Nonsensical Parkway, Confusion Central and bypassing Narrative Structure and Illumination Broadway.

We set off on a midnight train to Atlanta. At first it seems like a regular train with a bunch of murderous and mysterious characters, but there is more afoot that initially meets the eye. The train carriages themselves are set up like well appointed drawing rooms so that’s probably your first clue that things are not what they seem - there are no discarded copies of ‘Metro’ lying around and Baz hasn’t tagged the entire carriage.

We meet Jericho, who in another life was ‘Candyman’. He’s an ex-slave on a mission to kill all former slave owners and their first born children. One such child who is on-board is Annie, who has engaged the bodyguard services of ex-civil war soldier Roland. Candyman and Ro-land come to blows early on, but retreat to different carriages when things don’t go to plan - bullets don’t seem to be working for some reason.

We meet some other passengers, such as one chap who has a penchant for strangling prostitutes and another lady who has her ex-slave employed as her maid. They all have a past to hide but secrets are slowly revealed when they are joined by a shape shifter. As you have probably guessed things moved away from a conventional western when this chap appears, and employs ropey special effects to become each of our character’s dark secret.

After their pasts are laid bare the gang decide that the train they are on is on its way to Hell. Is there anything they can do to save their souls? Well, Lance Henriksen is in the last carriage and given he’s the Devil there may be some deals to be done…

This wasn’t a terrible film but it doesn’t have much to recommend it either. The production values were pretty low despite a couple of familiar faces such as the ‘jump to conclusions’ guy out of ‘Office Space’ making a brief appearance complete with unconvincing diabolical laughter. The lighting was poor in places with it hard to make out the action, and one character, who has a bag over his head, is virtually unintelligible. 

From the start I thought the twist was that they were on the road (tracks) to Hell and this proved correct - to be fair they didn’t really dress it up as anything else, so it wasn’t even a surprise never mind a twist. Lance was a pretty laid back Devil and offered little in the way of menace. As is standard, he offered the characters deals to get out of their predicament - terrible, lop sided deals! We did get a chance to see some of our characters in flashback and were able to decide for ourselves who was worthy of the visit to the flames and who was a victim of circumstance. Some were evil and went down that path whilst others made noble sacrifices having come to terms with their crimes. There were no real surprises in anyone’s arc with redemption liberally sprinkled about whilst the real baddies got their just desserts.

There were a couple of decent ideas in play, but the film was limited by its scope and budget. The Devil must have better things to do with his time as did Lance who clearly only spared half a day for the production.

The film only lasts about 80 minutes and the story would have been better used as an episode of ‘The Twilight Zone’ or the like rather than a half baked full feature.

You will see a lot worse and there was enough to garner half marks although that hooded guy, whose dialogue I couldn’t make out a word of,  cost them a chunk on his own. Overall it’s not a train to catch but if you find yourself on-board, you may as well stay on for the predictable and undemanding conclusion.

Best Bit : What’s this noose doing here?  'W' Rating 12/23

No.267 : War of the Wildcats (1943)

War of the Wildcats at the IMDb

There are so many wonderful films out there across Netflix and Amazon Prime, not to mention the limitless offerings of the hundreds of channels of terrestrial TV as well as the internet. But let’s forget all that nonsense and watch a faded black and white western that I found in the depths of Film 4. Well it saves you having to!

Made in 1943, but looking a lot older, ‘War of the Wildcats’ is a forgettable western starring John Wayne who was at the height of his draft dodging powers at the time. He got a deferment for being a father of four so that’s all right then - at least he didn’t make loads of films pretending to be people who did the actual fighting. Oh he did? Very poor.

This film isn’t quite ‘very poor’ but I will have to up my typing speed if I’m going to finish this review before I forget it entirely.

We open on a train car full of people heading to the oil fields to make it rich. ‘I’m gonna get one of those new cars’ says one. ‘Did you hear about the Wright brothers’ says another, hoping to let us know it’s 1906 and to save the money for a caption. At the back of the train is the private car of Jim ‘Hunk’ Gardner. He’s an oil baron and a real sleaze ball, with comely wenches coming and going from his car. One almost showed an ankle.

At a small town he hauls on board Kathy, a teacher who is being run out of town for writing a scandalous book. He says hello and then plants a big kiss on her. Bit rapey there mate. She doesn’t like it, but doesn’t leave either and soon the two are getting on famously. Any chance of him getting his end away quickly evaporates when John Wayne shows up. His horse has died and he’s after a lift.

They all end up in a small oil town with the two men vying for Kathy’s favours. She initially goes with Jim and professes undying love. When he reasonably says ‘well maybe not forever’ - he has known her 20 minutes - she flounces off to Wayne.

Wayne manages to get a job as Jim’s bodyguard after besting the incumbent Cherokee but this proves to be a terrible decision when Wayne tells the Indians that they are getting ripped off by Jim’s 12% royalty deal for the oil on their land. Wayne offers 50% and after agreeing terms with Teddy Roosevelt himself, Wayne starts the task of getting 10,000 barrels out of the ground before a 4 month deadline expires.

Will he get the oil? Will he get the girl? Will there be  dirty tricks afoot and a mad dash to the finish line in Tulsa? Yes on all counts!

This was a long and mostly dull film, but it was enough of a curiosity to keep me interested and, to be fair, there were a couple of decent action sequences.

The whole film hangs on Wayne which is a shame as he’s a terrible actor. Lots of soft focus close ups and dire dialogue about what his granny used to say. He is versatile though - a singing scene in the bath showed that he can’t sing either.

Albert Dekker was better and a sure lift for the Hedley Lamarr character in ‘Blazing Saddles’. His schemes were so despicable as was his moustache twirling. He never had a chance with the dame but made up for it with some scene chewing acting and a few punch ups.

The love interest was Martha Scott who, whilst only 31 at the time of filming, looked a lot older. This was probably down to her wardrobe that contained a few cast offs from Morticia Addams. She had bigger shoulder pads than an NFL quarterback and showed so little flesh that a suit of armour would have been sexier.

It was also good to see Gabby Hayes who delivered some genuine frontier gibberish.

The film built up to a big dash at the end when Wayne tried to deliver his oil by wagon after the baddie bought up all the pipes. He sets off with about 20 wagons and we see about 15 blow up and one goes off a hill. It’s a miracle therefore that he still manages to get 20 over the line!

I was surprised about the fairness to the Native Americans (well it is the movies!) and the frankly socialist values that Wayne was trotting out. No wonder he didn’t fight in the war - Joe Stalin never called!

There is some fun to be had in ‘War of the Wildcats’ but not as much as in a ‘Shake n Vac’ commercial.

Best Bit : ‘I’ll call you Kitten and give you a big kiss‘. ‘OK then‘.
‘W’ Rating 11/23

No.223 : Wild Horses (2015)

Wild Horses at the IMDb

 Robert Duvall wrote, directed and starred in this contemporary western and had his wife cast in the lead - so is this a showcase for his undoubted skills or a dull vanity project that merits its IMDb score of 4/10?

Duvall plays an ageing Texan rancher who bears the weight of secrets of the past. His gay son’s lover disappeared 15 years previously and a new lady Texas Ranger is keen to reopen the case. What she unearths starts other family skeletons to be rattled from the closet and something has to give.

The film opens in flashback and we’re not clear how the boy died, only that Duvall was there at the time. An undercurrent runs throughout the film that he may have been killed die to redneck intolerances to homosexuality but they seemed keen to skirt round the issue with only passing references to James Franco’s character being gay, and there weren’t any love scenes for him or discussions on his situation. It did shine through that Duvall was the screenwriter as it almost seemed like an old fashioned ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ when the film was crying out for the prejudices to be explored. Still he did duff up some homophobes in a bar, so that’s all right then.

Duvall’s wife Luciana isn’t convincing as the no-nonsense Ranger who smells a Duvall shaped rat and sets her sights on him. English clearly isn’t her first language and her delivery is one note and emotion free. She does get a couple of action scenes, including a low rent car chase, but her part is thin. Her deductions don’t always ring true, but to be fair she says hello to Duvall and straight away he has the hit men on her - not exactly the subtle approach!

Other plot threads that get exposed but not necessarily resolved include corrupt policeman who are dealing drugs with border crossing Mexicans and the paternity of their Mexican looking friend who has lived with them for years but definitely not the result of Duvall getting jiggy with the staff.

The cast was impressive but they get nothing much to do. Josh Hartnett is wasted as the second son and I find it hard to remember any meaningful scene he took part in. The usually good James Franco has nothing to work with in what should have been a good and conflicted character. He seemed nonplussed at his boyfriend disappearing and his reaction at the eventual resolution was muted at best.

I didn’t buy into the dialogue either with lots of improbably moving and articulate speeches being utter by characters who were meant to be red necks or 'good old boy' type farmhands. Duvall talks real slow, as is his way, but he lacked the gravitas and deep rooted resentment that his character was supposed to demonstrate.

Overall this was a wasted opportunity. They had a great cast and locations and a potentially interesting plot, but what was delivered was a flat and wordy borefest that I’ve largely forgotten already.

‘W’ Score - 10/23
Best Bit - Rednecks don’t read the script and start a bar fight

No.211 : Will Penny (1967)

Will Penny at the IMDb

According to IMDb ‘Will Penny’ is Charlton Heston’s favourite of his own movies. He must have forgotten about ‘The Omega Man’ and ‘Soylent Green’ when he said that! Still it is a great picture with lots of the components one always needs in a truly enjoyable western.

Despite only being 45 when the film was made Heston plays an ageing cowboy who is nearing the end of his usefulness in the old west. I suppose 45 was probably a good age back then but sitting here aged 44 I feel he had plenty left on the clock despite being regarded as the old timer.

Anyway, we join Charlton and the cow pokes at the end of a cattle drive. They get paid off by their boss and discuss what their options are. Chuck isn’t seen as a viable candidate for the next drive and instead he heads off with The Six Million Dollar Man and Mathias whom he would later cross swords with in ‘The Omega Man’.

After a brief scene reminiscent of ‘Brokeback Mountain’ where Steve Austin and Mathias emerge from beneath a blanket in their long johns there is a stand off with a gang of brigands who try to claim an elk they shot is rightfully theirs - the bastards! A brief shoot-out sees a bad guy killed and Mathias gut shot but we haven’t seen the last of them - well they do have Donald Pleasance and Bruce Dern in their number, and they aren't getting paid for one scene!

Charlton and his pals make it to a remote outpost where the greedy owner tries to sell them a coffin while Mathias is still hanging on - still at least there is some tightly buttoned lady action on show! The lads soon go their own ways with Chuck taking on a job that involves him occupying a remote cabin up in the hills. When he arrives he finds the cabin occupied by squatters in the shape of a gun toting woman and her snot nosed boy.

Chuck gives them a few days to move out but while he’s camping out in the wilds he gets bushwhacked by Pleasance’s gang. Using bad guy logic they leave him to die in the wilderness rather than kill him on the spot, leaving him able to return injured to the cabin in his fetching long johns. He’s nursed back to health by the thawing widow, who despite saying they aren't friends, will clearly end up in the great man’s arms.

As romance blossoms the viewer is left to wonder when the bad guys will show up again and at what cost.

This was two thirds of a great film with the middle section letting the side down. It was fair enough to have the stoic range man find a bit of happiness but the scene with him making house ran too long, so it was a merciful release when the bad guys showed up again and chucked the Christmas tree on the fire.

Heston does well as the jaded cowpoke who finds it hard to let others into his life and he handles the brief action scenes well. Joan Hackett is fine as the love interest who is maybe a bit too keen to get Heston into the bath to support her hard-bitten exterior.

The bad guys were well cast but underused - Bruce Dern hardly had a line. Their undoing was also somewhat pat with them at first fighting over the plain widow before reinforcing the stereotype that bad guys can’t shoot for toffee.

The settings were great and the costumes and characters certainly evoked a grubbier Old West than perhaps we are used to. At about 100 minutes this is a good slice of western life with maybe not enough substance to have it live long in the memory.


Best Bit : Visitors at Christmas!

'W' Score 15/23

No.204 : White Comanche (1967)

White Comanche at the IMDb

William Shatner stars in this risible 1967 western playing the role of twins - one cowboy and one Indian. Using the classic theme of duality, one is good while one is bad with Shatner showing his range as being totally wooden as both.

We first meet Shatner as cowboy Johnny Moon, resplendent in double denim. His expert horsemanship is cut short when he’s grabbed by a lynching gang and he only just escapes. Meanwhile the Indian Shatner, Notah,  is whooping it up and attacking stagecoaches. He’s high on the peyote and kills indiscriminately, saving only the lovely Rosanna Yanni for some ravishing.

The Shatners meet at the Indian camp with cowboy Shatner telling his brother he’s tired of being blamed for his crimes. A busybody squaw stops a shootout and the Shatners agree to meet for a showdown in a nearby town in four day’s time.

Cowboy Shatner heads into town but once again his brother’s reputation gets him into trouble. The local villain tries to hire his gun while Joseph Cotten’s sheriff tries to warn him off. After an overlong saloon fight the lady fresh from the ravishing tries to kill our hero. Happily the misunderstanding is soon explained and Rosanna is hanging about Shatner’s bedroom in no time flat.

With the showdown imminent some space is padded by a low rent gunfight complete with people slowly tipping themselves over balconies and slapping ketchup on their bodies. The bad guy is trying to take over the town you see, with only Cotton, Shatner and the mayor ready to take arms against them. Not so much ‘High Noon’ as ‘Low Goon’. Apologies for that.

With the town secure for now Indian Shatner raises the Comanche nation to attack the town. They are indifferent to the muffin top spewing over the top of his jeans and after wiping out some miners the showdown is on. But wait! Some Indians aren’t in agreement with the ‘slaughter everyone’ policy and we can only hope that the brothers and peoples of all nations can learn to live in peace and harmony.

This film is so bad that it defies any criticism. It’s pious and self important while offering nothing in the way of social commentary or insight. Shatner sucks in both roles and they don’t even bother changing his haircut when he’s playing the Indian. They also don’t bother with split screens so the pairs’ meetings are always a flurry of cut shots or of obvious body double.

Shatner is the worst but the acting is uniformly  awful with the mayor possibly the worst bit part actor I’ve seen. Cotten is OK as the sheriff but you don’t buy his homily wisdom or bravery in the face of insurmountable odds.

The film was shot in Spain and it shows in the green valleys and lack of mountainous terrain. The sets and costumes are also poor with Indian Shatner parading about bare chested in jeans much of the time and possibly wearing the same jeans as the cowboy. The soundtrack sounds like it has been lifted from a porno with totally inappropriate jazzy sequences serving only to keep the audience awake.

Some will get a few laughs at this dreadful production but for the rest of us it’s a complete waste of time.

Best Bit : Shatner on Shatner Action  6/23

No.195 : White Feather (1955)

White Feather at the IMDb

 ‘Number 2’ Robert Wagner stars in this 1955 western which, as far as I can gather, isn’t related to the Marillion song of the same name.

Wagner does a bit of pre-credit narration in which he tells us that this is a true story, but the Indians speak English so we can understand them. Thanks for making us feel stupid from the off Number 2!

Wagner plays Josh Tanner, a young surveyor looking to plan some towns in gold rich Indian country. He finds the body of a prospector with an arrow in his back and after pocketing his gold he heads to the army fort. He does a bit of exposition for the Commander and hands over the gold so we know he’s a solid fella. He heads to the store to get a room (and he treats us like we’re thick!) just in time to hear the racist storekeeper give it to some Indians. The bigot sends our man to the back room whereupon our hero meets the sexy daughter fresh out of the bath - a whole shoulder is on display!

We learn that tensions are running high with the Indians, with some ready to sign a treaty but others, notably the Cheyenne, refusing to lay down before their masters - the dogs! Wagner takes a laissez faire approach and on a date with the store keeper’s daughter impresses the Cheyenne Chief’s headstong son with his diplomacy and comb. He’s so impressed that next day he delivers a nice squaw for him - that must have been some nice comb!

He take his new date back to the camp and is worried to note the Indians are practicing shooting on some dummies made up like soldiers - this can’t end well! Wagner tries to chum up with the Indians by giving them knives but all he gets in return is a hot horse that spells trouble with the neighbouring tribes from whom it was stolen. Meanwhile the old Chief has decided to smoke um peace pipe to the chagrin of his hot headed son.

As things get hot on the diplomatic front so do they also in Wagner’s storeroom bed as the squaw sets up home - but isn’t she promised to the warrior, American Horse? Can the battles in love and war be settled so that we can all live nicely together and open casinos?

Once again the ‘W’ movie quest produces a western and quite a po-faced one at that. Normally we get a bit of action and a few drunken laughs but here it’s all business. Wagner acts as a conduit between the two warring peoples and, to be fair, the film gives a balanced view, even highlighting the injustices faced by the natives. The familiar character of the hot headed son is used to bring in a bit of conflict but when he’s impressed by a comb you know he’s not going to be much of a threat.

The film looks impressive and is mostly shot on location. The characters are a bit thin and too clichéd and there’s not a lot to get invested in. Wagner is too non-committal and his lack focus brushes off on the viewer who gets to the stage where he’s lost interest about halfway through.

The love story seems tacked on and, although we get some naked back, it’s largely pointless especially as the spurned loved gets handed his ass in a low rent fist fight.

Overall the film is more worthy than it is watchable and I was looking for a white flag rather than a white feather 30 minutes before the credits.

Best Bit : Indian Takeaway Shows Up in the Store Room
‘W’ Rating : 10/23

No.191 : Wagons West (1952)

Wagons West at the IMDb

Isn’t it strange how many western films have names that starts with a ‘W’? It may be down to our only watching films on the 24 hour western movie channel but that can’t be the whole story, can it? Maybe some great marketing guru foresaw this blog and the chance to have his film promoted to our whole readership of seven.

‘Wagons West’ is about as standard a western as you can imagine - wagons, cowboys, Indians, people eating beans - it’s got the lot. Except a plot, decent characters, acting worth a mention…

The film opens with a lonesome, aging cowboy enjoying beans by the river. A young lad approaches him with his dog - and that’s all that happened your honour! The boy has run away from home and although he acts tough with his Pop’s gun we can see he’s scared. So can our hero cow poke who humours the boy into accepting his beans and possibly some other stuff - it is rather dark. The boy is upset that he’s leaving on a wagon train and fate would have it that our man is the wagon master - a sort of old west tour guide, the virtues of whom were extolled in a scrolling paragraph at the start.

We cut to a saloon where some people are bitching about the wagon master and how he’s probably off drunk and chasing women - red faces all round when he shows up with the boy! The wagon master, Jeff, soon exerts his authority with a handbags at dawn style fist fight with Clay, a bastard with a black neckerchief - he’ll be trouble!

The wagon train soon begins its trip west but only after taking on another wagon that may have a desperate criminal on board and certainly a pregnant woman - it’s almost as if they’re trying to create situations here! The wagons barely get five minutes out of town when they get some injun trouble. Jeff knows the local braves can be bought off with some fish hooks but rather than patronise these noble people Clay shoots one in the back causing a shit storm to rain down on the wagons. Actually the Indians shrug it off but only because Clay and his bad family plan on selling guns to the natives. Further complications ensue when Jeff gets all kissy face with Clay’s pretend fiancée - this pair aren’t fooling anyone!

Soon we have the big finale when the circled wagons are attacked by a bunch of Indians, who look suspiciously like stock footage in the group shots. The bad family are given guns but can they be trusted to use them to fight the Indians? Will the baby appear on cue and can Jeff persuade the girl to be his beard?

Hailing from 1952 you have to forgive this film for its thin plot and broadly drawn characters. Every cliché in the book is wrung for all it was worth and no surprises were to be had. Rod Cameron in the lead was dreadful - an arrogant bully devoid of any charm whatsoever. His nemesis Clay was no better with his expressions straight out of a silent movie as he overacted every time his feeble plans were foiled. The ladies showed not an inch of flesh below the neck and the romance subplot was as convincing as the ‘frontier’ sets.

The plot, as it was, offered nothing in the way of commentary or excitement and it was basically ‘wagons ho!’, ‘look some Indians’, ‘let’s get on our way’ - it beggared belief that the strung that out for 70 minutes!

As a throwback and an oddity this was decent stuff but as a historical document intended to teach us about the past whilst entertaining us it was about as much use as General Custer’s pension plan.

Best Bit : Ooh shiny fish hooks - Bang!   ‘W’ Score 10/23

No.180 : Westbound (1959)

Westbound at the IMDB

Randolph Scott stars in this undemanding 1959 western.

We open to a scrolling paragraph that tells us the Civil War is still being fought and both sides need gold. The Union Army gets its gold from California and the Confederates will try anything to stop it getting to where it’s needed 3000 miles away.

Scott plays a cavalry officer, sorry the best cavalry officer in the whole army. He is called to a meeting with his commanding officer and a man from the government and comes across as a tit as he tries to make some wise remarks. Clearly understanding that the star billing outranks their characters’ positions they take his cheek and offer him a new job into the bargain.

The previously mentioned gold shipments are being increased to one a day and they need Scott to set up the staging posts and hire the drivers . He bitches at first but is soon on the stagecoach to set up his staging post. On the stage he meets a Union soldier who is heading home after losing an arm in the war. He fingers a picture of his bride lovingly but Scott brags that his squeeze is hotter.

They arrive in town to a frosty welcome. Scott’s old rival has married his girl and has a gang of brigands employed to laugh at passers by - including Scott! To make his position clear a gunslinger shoots off Scott’s guns much to the amusement of the entire town - well they don’t have squirrels on skateboards on Youtube yet.

Not to be seen off so easy, Scott sets up his staging post and employs the one armed soldier to run it for him - presumably as he’ll only have one hand in the till. The soldier needs the work as he’s worried about being teased by the nasty men in black shirts who say he’s only half a man - he’ll show them! The bad guys turn up the heat and burn down some staging posts and run off the horses. Can Scott get things set up in time to win the war?

Things get worse before they get better but when a stagecoach is run off the road and down a hill, killing all the occupants, including a girl in pigtails, the townsfolk reassess their loyalties - as does Scott’s old rival. Will their combined efforts see off the black shirted bastards?

At 70 minutes this film barely qualifies as a feature and the running time doesn’t offer much to allow plot twists or character development. Scott is a bit old for the leading man role and God knows why he commands fawning respect and fear wherever he goes considering he’s such a stuffed shirt. The goodies and baddies are clearly flagged with the main villain, Mace, being as despicable as his limited range would allow. He did have a strange stance however and it looked like he was constantly shooting his bullets into the ground - fortunately the stuntmen fell off their horses as required.

For such a straightforward tale of good versus evil I was surprised to see some pretty harsh deaths with the stagecoach crash a real surprise. I also expected the one armed soldier to fare better but at least it left his girl open for Scott’s creepy charms as the credits rolled.

For a 1950’s western this is pretty much what you’d expect but I did it enjoy it and, although broadly drawn, the characters did manage to elicit plenty of boos and hisses from me - even the bad ones!

Best Bit - And the wheel was still spinning…
W Score : 16/23

No.172 : Wild Stallion (1952)

Wild Stallion at the IMDb

Another crappy 1950’s western now - we really need to upgrade our movie package here at the 100+ W Movies Quest - TCM seems to have no end of these ‘classics’.

Wild Stallion is mercifully short at 70 minutes, but they are long, long minutes.

We open as a cavalry post is being decommissioned. A fat, wise old soldier is packing up the stables as an eager new recruit asks about the old white horse. ‘Thank God you asked’ the old man probably thought as we wouldn’t have a film otherwise. We quickly dissolve to a homestead in the old west, 32 years earlier. The pioneer Maw and Paw barely get a chance to wonder when Dan will be back from the fishing hole before they are dispatched by some sharp shootin’ injuns. These guys fire one bullet and one arrow and score two kills - that’s how the west might have been won! In the low key melee a young white colt escapes - remember him for the next paragraph! The injuns torch the homestead and make off just as young Dan appears with the fish dinner.

Alas his acting range can’t convey the trauma, so he just gets on with burying his folks. He manages to plant his oversized parents without getting his hands dirty, just as a helpful stranger appears. He gives a master class in name carving before dropping the boy off at the cavalry’s military school. Things morph into his teenage years as he and the helpful stranger team up to capture wild horses for the cavalry. Dan has never forgotten his lost white colt, ‘Top Kick’, and near wets his pants as he spots his erstwhile steed.

Top Kick is the leader of a big herd of wild horses and although our man gets a rope on it, it soon escapes his frankly creepy clutches. Over the next few years our man busies himself by fighting with the cavalry’s bully boy horse trainer and in pretending to be interested in the token lady, who does nothing but simper and  look desperately for a husband.

After even more dull related horse antics, including one where Top Kick facilitates a horse jailbreak, he and our man are eventually tamed for a life in the military and with a beard wife.

We dissolve back to the old army man who is telling the tale and are meant to be surprised when we learn that the man running the post is actually our man Dan. We also get the joyous news that rather than heading  for the Tesco burger factory, Top Kick is off to San Francisco for retirement - wonder why our butch hero chose there?

Although it’s easy to tear strips off this film it has no pretensions and is simply a ‘Boys’ Own’ style adventure yarn. Any prospect of drama and suspense is lost from the beginning with the narrative all told in flashback. The surprise ending is nothing of the kind and it gets worse when our hero takes the old man along too - he thought he was for the old folks’ home!

As is often the case with melodrama like this the score is really booming and invasive, and there is no attempt at characterisation - it’s all boo-hiss - hoo-ray - boooo! The Indians get a bad press, as ever, with them randomly shooting folk and setting fire to stuff for no ideological reason that the film makers address. The plot, although slight, is ridiculous with our hero delivering his catchphrase ‘It’s MY horse’ with monotone dullness and regularity. The horse looks like it’s on day leave from the circus with its flowing mane and perfect timing - hardly a ‘wild stallion’

You can see this playing well in a 1950s Saturday matinee but for me it was a dreadful throwback, with wooden acting and stilted dialogue. Throw in an unlikable lead and a charisma free horse and you’ve got the longest 70 minutes you’ll ever endure. Where’s the Tesco value range when you need it?

Best Bit : My, Top Kick is a boy horse isn’t he?
W rating 6/23

No.171 : Wichita (1955)

Wichita on IMDb

Off to the wild west now, or rather the ‘mild’ west as there’s not a drop of blood or even any cussing in this strait-laced affair.

We open as some cattle drovers settle down for the night with some beans and possibly gay sex. Their plans, whatever they may be, are interrupted when they spot a stranger on the horizon. They give him a cautious welcome and it turns out he’s Wyatt Earp. Although the aging actor playing him, Joel McCrea, is already 50 no one knows who he is - better get a move on Gramps or they’ll need to install a stair lift by the time you get to the OK Corral!

They bed down for the night and soon two drovers approach Earp’s bed - maybe his red shirt and neckerchief was a signal? but no! They're after his cash. They get hold of his fat bank roll but Earp is wise to the game and after recovering his cash he punches the miscreants out. He heads off to Wichita with his dreams of opening a hardware shop intact. The drovers lick their wounds safe in the knowledge that they’ll be in Wichita soon themselves, and may get their chance at some revenge.

Earp hits town and wins favour with the mayor as his plans don’t involve opening another bar - Kavos this ain't. He goes to the bank and is able to thwart the tamest robbery attempt you’ll ever see, with robbers who look more like Sunday School teachers than brigands. The mayor immediately offers Earp the job of Marshall but our man is determined to sell his buckets, goddarn it!

Fate naturally takes control however when the pished up drovers enter the town and start grappling with some overdressed whores and shooting off their pistols. A hooker and then, seemingly more importantly, a young boy get shot by stray bullets and the even mild mannered Earp has had enough. He grabs the Marshall’s badge and a shotgun and kicks some ass. Well he politely asks them to stop, if it wouldn't be too much trouble.

Now mad with power Earp bans all guns from the town much to the chagrin of local worthy Doc Black who hires two guns to take out this meddlesome Marshall. But D’oh! He’s only hired Earp’s own brothers and gets run out of town for his bother. While all this non-killing is going on Earp finds the time to picnic with a local lass half his age. Tragedy looms however when the evil Doc returns and shoots Earp’s girl’s mother. Earp feigns anger and sets out in pursuit. Can he bring the villains to justice and ride off into the sunset with his gal?

This is definitely a film of its time with nothing remotely offensive or even slightly troubling going on. The biggest crime is the shooting of the boy, who frankly deserved it for his terrible ‘Oh I'm shot' acting. It was so bad it was only beaten by the leg shaking wackiness of Lloyd Bridges in his big shoot out scene. The whores showed nothing and the drunken drovers are so disinterested, even after six month’s abstinence, that they’d rather go about shooting their guns than getting to grips with the painted ladies.

The script is dire with every western cliché present and correct. The baddies literally wear black hats as if we’d mistake our clean cut hero for any of those less than menacing characters. The romance aspect looked tacked on with ‘do you want to go on a picnic’ seemingly shorthand for ‘let’s get it on’. Of course a small peck is followed by asking permission to be married - remember that kids!

The action scenes were dreadful with our man never missing a shot and the bad guys only chalking up one whore’s arm and a 5 year old in return for 10,000 rounds fired.

Of course the film was made for more innocent times, and no doubt some people gasped when the villain twirled his moustache, but nowadays it just looks like a funny throwback to a more naive and gentle period when the good guys won and the bad guys got their just desserts.

Best Bit : "The boy’s name was Michael Jackson - he was 5 years old" - Ow!

W Score 11/23

No.165 : Wild Bill (1995)

Wild Bill at the IMDb

You know, it’s lucky they make a wild west film every five minutes or we’d be in real danger of forgetting these guys, who in reality were a bunch of hard drinking’ hard shaggin’ murdering cow pokes. But it’s as near as America has to a history so let’s have a look at the 42nd re-invention of Wild Bill Hickok.

This film has a really excellent cast with recognisable names all down the credits. For me, that sounds a warning as the film is more likely to be stars raiding the dressing up box than anything even close to entertainment. I know that sounds like starting with a conclusion but that’s only because the film started it.

We open in black and white with Wild Bill’s funeral. We get a slightly reverential commentary from John Hurt as the Englishman abroad, a role later filled and bettered by Saul Rubinek in ‘Unforgiven’. Hurt then goes back into colour to paint a picture of the man and the legend.

We meet Jeff Bridges as Wild Bill enjoying a few captioned ‘greatest hits’ as he shoots up the old west while playing cards, drinking whisky and smoking opium. We then catch up with in his present day as he starts losing his sight and coming to the attention of various young guns keen to make their name by shooting the great man.

Bill settles in Deadwood and is soon pumping Calamity Jane and avoiding the attentions of his bastard son who has hooked up with Kelly Bundy, who looks quite fetching in her bustier. The narrative, as it is, is really more ‘scenes from a life’ rather than a decent story, and while that’s true of most bio-pics, this one has been so well mined before that there’s not a lot to surprise or thrill.

The Old West as shown here is a bit too clean, with the gun fighters, such as the wheel chair bound Bruce Dern, a bit to noble to be real. I’d imagine that the ‘Deadwood’ TV series with its bushwhackers and road agents to be a lot more realistic than these tales of people being called out for a duel. They also have the cleanest looking whores you’ll ever see.

I thought Jeff Bridges did his usual stand up job, but I wasn’t really convinced that he was a complicated nineteenth century gunslinger. It wasn’t helped by some ill-advised opening sequences where he kill a slew of men for touching his hat, which made the film seem like a comedy from the start.

The production values are pretty high with a recognisable cast of some standing and the usual old west sets and stick on moustaches. I just felt the whole film had a ‘TV Movie’ aesthetic with the wobbly camera and flashbacks to black and white serving only to highlight the limited scope of the whole affair.

With a life so well documented getting the bio-pic focus you really have to bring something new to the party and when all you come up with the ‘greatest hits’ it’s no surprise that this western is largely forgotten. It’s not particularly bad but nothing special and with an unsympathetic character at the forefront you’ll quickly wonder why you bothered.

Best Bit : Bill shares his bath water
‘W’ Rating 14/23

No. 129 : Wagon Master (1950)

Wagon Master at the IMDb

If you took every wild west cliché, stuck them in a blender and filmed the result you’d end up with something a lot like ‘Wagon Master’. It’s not a bad film as such but it has suffered from many of its elements becoming so familiar that you know pretty much what’s going to happen before the opening credits roll.

The film opens with a bank robbery with the miscreants escaping with one of their number wounded. We then switch to a pair of horse traders who are made an offer by a group of Mormons who plan to travel the desert to the new territories in the west. Our happy pair are reluctant at first but decide to help out when they consider the women and children rather than the hefty pay cheque.

The wagon train goes as expected with encounters with Indians and the bank robbers we saw earlier. The bad guys decide to take over the train for its food and water but when one of their number is lashed to appease the Indians we know some pay off is coming. As well as their bad guy guests the train also take on a lost group of medicine sellers who have a couple of saucy ladies in tow.

The perils are slight and although the baddies are of the moustache twirling variety they don’t offer much in the way of menace. The film is a relatively short 85 minutes and even this running time is padded with four songs. These Mormons are fun guys, going as far as to drag a dance floor out into the desert for their hoe down.

The film was directed by John Ford and you do get the sense that this rather throwaway effort was an exercise in testing locations and equipment for ‘Rio Grande’ which he made the same year at the same site in Monument Valley, Utah.

The cast are OK with the two leads a bit too nice to convince as pioneer horse traders. The burlesque ladies are similarly well appointed with nary an ankle on view. The best was Ward Bond as the Mormon Elder who was never far off swearing a blue streak. The bad guys were fun too with the buck toothed hill billy the pick of the litter. Uncle Shiloh, the pack leader, was great too with perhaps the least convincing bit of deceit that you’ll ever see at the end.

This film won’t last long in the memory but it is a well made and reasonably exciting yarn which although lacking sex, danger or violence has a decent streak of malevolence running through it. The outcome is never in doubt but it’s a short and pretty satisfying desert yomp to get there.

Best Bit : Shoot out finale

‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No.51 : Wagons East (1994)

Wagons East at the IMDb

Before we begin a word on the title. Although the poster has it as ‘Wagons East!’ the title card on the film doesn't have the exclamation mark. I’ll go with what the movie says and attribute the exclamation mark to an over zealous marketing man who may have thought that the added bit of punctuation would suggest extra zest and excitement. He was wrong.

‘Wagons East’ is notorious, both for being a bad comedy and for being John Candy’s last film - he died on location and his scenes had to be re-cut or finished with a stand in before the film was excreted by the studio.

The film opens with the familiar western map, but sadly, unlike ‘Bonanza’ it doesn't catch fire and give us all an early night. The frontier town of Prosperity has a few disgruntled citizens. John C. McGinley’s gay bookseller can only attract customers for toilet paper and Richard Lewis’ cattle baron aspirations are being thwarted by bare faced rustlers. After sharing their concerns with other bar patrons they decide to head back east - if they get a sign from god. This is duly delivered in the shape of an east pointing weather cock and a collapsing John Candy, who was foretelling his own fate without knowing it.

The feeble group, who include the town’s well covered prostitute, abandon their town the next day to begin their perilous journey. Their choice of guide in Candy is quickly questioned when he gets them lost and then sets up camp in the dark in what turns out to be an Indian village.

Meanwhile the corrupt railroad chief is unhappy - this exodus back east may endanger his fat grants to extend the line. With this in mind he dispatches his best hit man to disrupt the group and as a back up plan enlists the help of the US cavalry. In predictable Wile E Coyote fashion the hit man is caught in all of his own traps and even the Indians help our clan, seeing the exodus as a way of reclaiming their own lands.

As the ends draws close a previously forgetful trail member recalls Candy’s shady past, just as the cavalry are sent in to repel the traitorous reverse pioneers.

I tried really hard to like this film, bearing in mind its history and top ensemble cast. Sadly I couldn’t - its stinky reputation is well deserved. The first concern, and with a comedy it’s a big one, is that there are no laughs at all. There are loads of fart and pissing jokes as well as pratfalls and slapstick. None of them are funny - they don’t sit well and are heralded a mile off. Richard Lewis, who is always Larry David’s whiny pal on ’Curb Your Enthusiasm’ to me is totally miscast as a pioneer doctor . John C. McGinley, who I normally like, is cringey as the overtly gay bookseller complete with a fancy wagon and stylish line in frontier tea sets.

Candy himself is a pale shadow of his ‘Uncle Buck’ persona but is given nothing to work with. The revelation that he lead the cannibalistic Donner party is as believable as some of the later scenes where Candy is replaced by a blurry guy shot at distance. This is the ‘”two orange whips” guy for Christsakes and here we have him dying a death, sadly literally, talking a lot of unfunny rot and killing a poor horse by sitting on it.

After ‘Blazing Saddles’ it’s obviously hard to do a non-derivative comedy western but surely someone somewhere should have looked at the script and though ‘Hmm, jokes would be a good idea’. A sad end for John Candy but at least no one will remember him for this unfunny, poorly made gag free zone of an effort.

Best Bit : Get back to you on that.

‘W’ Score 5/23

No.38 : Winchester ‘73 (1950)

Winchester '73 at the IMDb

James Stewart stars in this 1950 western that follows the exciting history of the titular rifle.

We meet Stewart in the midst of a man hunt that has gone on for many years. He eventually catches up with his quarry in Dodge City but is denied a shoot out by Wyatt Earp who enforces a strict no guns policy. Typically in America this doesn’t preclude massive gun contests and our man enters one in the hope of winning a Winchester 1873 rifle - the ‘one in a thousand’.

Everyone in town really sucks at shooting so it’s between James Stewart and his nemesis, Dutch, for the prize. After several ties Stewart wins the valuable weapon by shooting a stamp out of a washer. The fact that he later can’t hit a man with 20 shots isn’t mentioned. Sadly for Stewart his enemy is a sore loser and gets knocked over the head and the prize weapon stolen. Just as well really as the thing is plainly cursed.

The thief has to trade it to a gun dealer after losing at cards and he in turn is tomahawked off screen by an Indian who takes a fancy to it. The Indian is then shot by Stewart who doesn’t know the rifle is lost nearby. The gun then falls in to other ill fated hands before winding back with Dutch just in time for the final shoot out.





This was a pretty decent western with the rifle being a good narrative device for advancing the story. James Stewart plays himself as usual and is helped along by love interest Shelly Winters before she ate all those pies. Young versions of Tony Curtis and Rock Hudson also show up but neither had much to do.




The baddies in the shape of the Indians and a gang of outlaws offer a slight distraction but neither represented much in the way of character or danger. The Indians, who just rode around whooping a lot - they can’t blame anyone but themselves for losing the continent on this evidence!

No one really raised the issue of why no one just bought the rifle from a shop rather than kill all and sundry for it. It was also shown to be less than effective as I don’t think it registered a single kill throughout the film. A case of be careful what you wish for - as everyone else wants it too.

A really enjoyable, fast paced western with great characters and a couple of surprises. Well worth your 90 minutes.

Best Bit : The shooting contest - I thought they would be going for a gnat’s baw hair next!

‘W’ Score : 18/23

No.37 : Wild Wild West (1999)

Wild Wild West at the IMDb

Given its stinky reputation (a meagre 4.2 on IMDb) I wasn’t looking forward to ‘Wild Wild West‘, a rare beast of a summer blockbuster that I hadn’t seen before. Although it was no classic I still enjoyed it more than its score would have suggested.

Based on an 1960’s TV series, which I also missed, ‘Wild Wild West’ follows the adventures of Jim West (Will Smith) a government agent in the period just after the American Civil War. The world presented is not the one we know, with this one being steam-punked to the Nth degree. Jim’s mission is to investigate the disappearance of several top scientists, a job he is assisted in by Kevin Kline’s inventor and Salma Heyek’s eye candy.


The main baddie is played by Kenneth Branagh with an annoying Southern accent and a steam powered wheelchair. He has plans to use his mental machines to kidnap the president and break up the newly formed United States.



There is precious little done in the way of detection, with one mechanical led set piece crashing into the next one. Kline and Smith don’t have any rapport at all and all the laughs come from the fantastic gizmos and stunts. When the President (also played for no apparent reason by Kline) is captured by Branagh’s giant mechanical spider our men have to get him back, save the day and throw in as many bad jokes and costume changes as the running time will allow.

I did quite like the film but given that it’s so patently awful I’ll have to class it as a guilty pleasure. The effects and machines are great but so unbelievable that any sense of reality is quickly lost. Smith and Kline are both likable guys but they don’t gel here, especially given the weak dialogue they are given to interact with. The support form Hayek and M. Emmet Walsh was underused and, although hamming it up for all he was worth, the largely CGI Branagh was miscast.

The film had enough to keep my interest and the effects were great, but over all the poor script and rudderless direction means that its reputation and low status are fully deserved.

Best Bit : Definitely not Will Smith in drag.

‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No.34 : Wild Rovers (1971)

Wild Rovers at the IMDb

William Holden and Ryan O’Neil star in this underseen western (Less than 400 IMDb votes!) directed by Pink Panther helmer Blake Edwards. It’s not hard to see why it hasn’t caught the imagination like some of its contemporaries as it’s a bit forgettable.

Our two heroes play a pair of cattlemen who dream of having a ranch but can’t save a dime when the booze and hookers hove into view after a long time on the plains. When a cow poke dies in a needless accident they decide to rob a bank rather than continue with their dangerous and poorly paid profession.

Rather than go down the exciting route of a traditional stick up, they decide to kidnap the bank manager’s family and get him to hand over the cash. Things go smoothly and they score $34,000, but predictably their problems are only just beginning. They are forced to double up in the saddle when a cougar takes a bite out of one of their horses and they have an extra mouth to feed in the shape of a new born puppy - awww.

After some decent haggling which swaps the puppy for a mule they set off with the posse in hot-ish pursuit - leaving trail leader Karl Malden a bit short handed, especially as some gits are open ranging sheep on their land.

The ‘Wild Rovers’ title is more relevant as the film progresses are our men try to rope some wild horses and generally rough it, but you’re never convinced that their luxury trailers are more than 50 feet away. When a town looms up on the horizon they decide to have one last blow out before heading to Mexico and their new life. If the diversion sounds like a bad idea wait until O’Neil decides to get involved in a high stakes poker game!

With the posse now close by and one of our team injured it’s anyone’s guess who, if anyone, will make the promised land.

I didn’t actively dislike this film but it doesn’t have anything to recommend it either. The two leads are usually watchable but they are given precious little to work with here. The idea of breaking away from the daily grind is a familiar one, but is tempered with the ‘crime doesn’t pay’ message. The usual life on the range clichés are trotted out and despite some stunning Monument Valley locations it has little to set it apart from 100 other films.

Holden’s wise old timer is set against O’Neil’s hot headed youth but they never really get into what you’d call conflict or great camaraderie. With the cast and locations available a great film was a definite possibility but instead we get a mediocre one, that deserves its relative anonymity.


Best Bit : Poker Shoot Out!
‘W’ Rating 12/23

No. 3 : Welcome To Hard Times (1967)

IMDb Link : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062482/


Despite a stellar cast that includes Henry Fonda, Warren Oates and Lon Chaney Jnr. this 1967 western seems relatively unknown, garnering a meagre 404 votes on the IMDb. I caught it buried on TCM and have to say that, despite some shortcomings, I found it somewhat enjoyable.


Henry Fonda plays the mayor of a one horse frontier town which is ransacked by a single outlaw replete in black hat and stubble. All the men of the town suffer brown trousers and stand by as the town is burned and hooker raped. Showing some contradictory cajones Fonda sticks around with plans to rebuild the titular town. His luck is in when it’s quickly repopulated by a gaggle of prostitutes and various other settlers. As time passes the town starts to flourish, but everyone is aware that Black Hat may return at any moment.


Virtually every western cliché is trotted out as bar room fights spill out into the path of a grizzled prospectors pulling mules. I especially enjoyed the opening scene of carnage, as outrage after outrage is perpetrated on the townsfolk, with a horse being dispatched with utmost prejudice. The scene was reminiscent of Mongo’s rampage in ‘Blazing Saddles’ and was just as funny.


There is however a lot to like and Fonda does well with his poorly written and contradictory character. The final denouement is another cause for mirth as the young lad, who was warned off his shot gun earlier on, makes his dramatic entrance...


Worth tracking down for an entertaining 100 minutes, with more laughs than a whole series of ‘My Family’.


Best Bit : “He’s set fire to the saloon - again!”


‘W’ Score 14/23