No.52 : Wheels of Terror (1987)

Wheels of Terror at the IMDb

All you fans of Ollie Reed out there have no doubt tracked down this film and been disappointed by it. Despite featuring prominently on the poster he doesn't show up until there are only 7 minutes left and slurs his way through half a dozen lines at most. No doubt he was only on set for one day but what the hell let’s stick him on the box and lure a few suckers in.

This film from 1987 is truly awful despite a well known cast and good source material - it was based on the book of the same name by Sven Hassel. The film is set in the latter stages of WW2 and an American sounding voice over man tells us that the Furher has started ‘Penal Battalions’ for dangerous missions - a bit of a Nazi ‘Dirty Dozen’ if you like. The motley crew have a few scraps before they bond after a dust up in a brothel.

Evil Colonel David Carradine has a mission for them - blow up a Russian supply train 150 miles behind enemy lines and they can have some time off and have their records cleared. Our guys set off, first having to steal explosives from the dozy Soviets before heading to the train depot in Red Army gear. After a brief encounter with a group of deserters from both sides and sexes they head off to blow up the oldest and smallest train you’ll ever see.

The initial attempt is a failure but can they succeed and at what cost? Will the Colonel keep his word and will there be anyone left for Ollie to pin a medal on?

This is a strange film - most of the cast is American yet they are all badly dubbed. I can only imagine the film was shot in English for the foreign market and then dubbed. Seeing how great it was someone must have then re-dubbed it back into English using mostly different voices. Crazy!

The film looks totally false and nothing like the Eastern Front it’s supposed to portray. The bright sunny days are a clue that we are not in Russia and it was no surprise to learn that the whole thing was actually shot in Yugoslavia. In 5 days. Probably.

I remembered some of the characters from the book like Porta and Tiny but they were nothing like the blood thirsty criminals I remembered. The lead is the guy who got filled with water in ’X-Men’ and he’s ably assisted by the leader of the Rogues out of ’The Warriors’. ’Script come out to play ay ay’ he should have said.

David Carradine is obviously miscast as the baddie German being of Eastern decent as he is. No one seems to notice but they are probably all mesmerised by his fake scar and funny, oh so tough, lines. The cheapness of the whole production is apparent throughout with the same tanks used for both sides with justification lines such as ‘they've stolen our tank let’s steal it back’ used to repel suspicious viewers. You also see nothing destroyed, with direct hits being nothing more than some petrol set alight on the tank’s bonnet.

The bottom line is that this film is rubbish with nothing to recommend it. It shamelessly cashes in of some star names who have little input to the actual film, and is so bad and unrealistic in places that it’s almost funny. But not quite.

Best Bit :Ollie as the mean General raises a smile

‘W’ Score 5/23

No.35 : War, Inc. (2008)

War Inc. at the IMDb

In the near future the American government puts the fighting of its wars out to private tender. When a local politician, for some reason called ‘Omar Sharif’, upsets their plans a middle eastern country, troubled hit man Brand Hauser is sent over to take him out.

Clearly things can’t be that simple so Brand is given the cover of an Expo organiser where he has to juggle the attentions of a precocious pop star (Hilary Duff) and an investigative reporter, Marisa Tomei. Brand has issues of his own that need the regular attention of his stroppy PR (sister Joan - again), his shrink and his suitcase full of hot sauce.

Things develop somewhat as he begins to doubt his motivations and gets conflicting emotions for the women in his life. All the while sinister forces are at work, all of which may affect the bottom line.





Despite a stellar cast that also includes the likes of Dan Ackroyd and Ben Kingsley this film had a ‘DVD Premiere’ in the US and it’s not hard to see why. Although some of the blurb describes it as a ‘satire’ it’d be more accurate to say ‘here is the war in Iraq through our Liberal viewpoint’. From the Halliburton like conglomerate orchestrating the war to the PR spin put on the news, not a obvious target is missed and then battered into nothingness with a sledgehammer.




Having Cusack as a hit man with his sister looking after his back is as lazy casting as you can imagine and why it wasn’t called ‘Grosse Point Blank 2’ can only be attributable to its complete lack of laughs, spirit or ‘80s soundtrack.

The big reveal at the end was pretty obvious as was Ben Kingley’s fate after we saw him in flashback getting squashed. They should have brought him back in the style of the real Omar Sharif in ‘Top Secret!’, but that would have been too funny and not preachy enough for this self righteous twaddle.


Best Bit : Kissy face with Marisa
‘W’ Score 11/23

No.14 : Welcome To Sarajevo (1997)

Welcome to Sarajevo at the IMDb

Welcome to Sarajevo is a drama documentary shot shortly after the end of the Bosnian/Serb war of the early 1990’s. The film poster I’ve used has the funny tag line “To get the story they’ll risk everything” which no doubt led to some disappointment in people expecting an action thriller.

The film follows a troupe of journalists who are following the war which is becoming more brutal by the day. After visiting an orphanage a British journalist risks everything by smuggling out a young Bosnian girl who otherwise would have died. Once he has her back in England the fight goes on to keep her there and to convince her mother that this is the best course for the girl.

I found the film very hard hitting and in many places it made for uncomfortable viewing. Scenes of actual news footage were used with reaction shots of the cast cut in. A cynic may say this is a cheap way to make a movie but the reality is all the more brutal when you know those are real dead bodies and starving people.

The sense of danger in the city was evident throughout and the total inhumanity on show was shocking. One scene showing the aftermath of a mortar attack was particularly horrible with missing limbs and faces the order of the day. It would be easy for a film of this to get preachy but instead it lets the viewer draw their own unmistakable conclusions.

Although it was based on ITN reporter Michael Nicholson’s own experiences the lead character had a different name, presumably so that other aspects could be brought in. I did think the focus on the orphanage and adoption elements drew us away from the bigger picture but a film encompassing all that was going on would last for many months. The cast was pretty good and there were plenty of recognizable faces. Woody Harrelson and Marisa Tomei had pretty small and forgettable parts, but no doubt their participation will draw a bigger audience.

The ending offered a ray of hope, but the general feeling was one of horror and desperation. Not entertainment as you know it but compelling and required viewing.

Best Bit : The tension packed scene when the Serbs board the rescue bus.

‘W’ Rating 20/23

No 2 : When The Wind Blows (1986)

IMDb Link : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090315/


‘When the Wind Blows’ is an 1986 animated film based on Raymond Briggs’ book of the same name. It follows the experiences of an elderly couple during their preparations for, and the aftermath of a nuclear attack.


I had quite fond memories of this film but on revisiting it I found that like Jim and Hilda it hadn’t aged well. The animation is fine and I liked the use of model sets and stock footage which was used to demonstrate events out with the couples’ home. The voice acting is good too with John Mills carrying most of the film as the chirpy and optimistic Jim.


I was less impressed with the ponderous narrative and the message which was hammered home relentlessly. Nuclear wars are bad - we get it. I also found much of the dialogue a bit tiresome with Jim’s relentless optimism and home spun philosophy somewhat grating. “It’s logical, Duck” is repeated endlessly and although I appreciate that they are simple folk making the best of an impossible situation, it’s wearisome at best.


The film is relentlessly bleak with all facets of war being thrust upon our heroes with fall-out, diarrhea and the lack of newspapers all causing grief. At the close of the film the happy couple are fading fast and sending out prayers to God who has been little in evidence thus far.
It’s not a film you could ever call enjoyable but it’s well made and an interesting artefact of more worrying times. Just don’t watch it if you’re on anti-depressants.


Best Bit
I liked the ominous bombers and submarines inter cut with some happy countryside moments.


‘W’ Rating : 16/23