No.178 : Wrath of the Titans (2012)

Wrath of the Titans at the IMDb

 Off to the olden days now as we take a look at this sequel to the remake of ‘Clash of the Titans’ - they don’t make them like that any more - oh wait they do. I haven’t seen the original remake probably due to it’s lack of Harry Hamelin or indeed a ‘W’ initial.

We don’t get much in the way of a recap, but it seems 10 years have passed since that film when Perseus slayed the Kraken and saved the day. He is now a widower and father to a young son. Despite being the son of Zeus he is living the simple life of a fisherman, so we are in for a dull film. But wait! Stuff is happening!

Zeus, played by a disinterested Liam Neeson, pops by to see the grandson and warn of bad omens. It seems that people have wised up and stopped praying to the Gods lessening their powers. The bad guys are taking advantage of this and plan to destroy the world. After getting the brush off from his idiot son, Zeus heads off to the underworld to have a chat with his brother Hades, played by an even more disinterested Ralph Fiennes. Bad mistake! Hades has his own plans and takes Zeus prisoner at the behest of their father Chronos - it’s like the Jeremy Kyle Show in that family.

The ominous portents prove truthful when, with their added Zeus powers, the bad guys unleash the titans - basically a pile of CGI monsters. These attack Perseus’ village and he soon has to don the leather chaps that signify he’s off to battle - or The Blue Oyster Club - it’s not made clear. The rest of the film is basically a quest as he gathers some support from the lovely Rosamund Pike, a poor man’s Russell Brand (if such a thing is possible) and Bill Nighy who hams it up horribly.

Soon our heroes are in the underworld and ready to free Zeus who has been connected to a Santa making machine that’s given him a long white beard. Can the siblings get together and gang up on Dad before no one believes in them anymore and condemns them to a dusty fate? Will Perseus remain at his nets with his son or will the passing of the thunderbolt tell him there is more to life than haddock?

This was a very much by the numbers swords and sandals epic and although it had a raft of stars and some decent action the whole thing was far less than the sum of its parts. Sam Worthington, late of ‘Avatar’, didn’t hack it as Perseus for me with his Aussie accent most jarring in the ancient world. He didn’t impress as the reluctant hero and his character’s arc where he went from fisherman to action hero to reluctant heir didn’t convince.

Liam and Ralph were obviously just in it for the pay cheques and you could sense their embarrassment as they apologetically delivered their laughable dialogue. Better was Rosamund, who although miscast as an Amazon warrior queen, did look most fetching in her leather mini skirt.

The bests bits were the action sequences with the opening and closing battles good fun. Both were totally pointless in the course of the film but you can’t see enough eight legged monsters getting a stick in the eye as far as I’m concerned. Despite a seemingly massive budget some bits were decidedly shoddy with a totally unconvincing flying horse only beaten in the crappy stakes by some fake looking Cyclops giants and some ropy wire work.

I’m not sure of the market this film was aimed at - there were long passages of dull chat with occasional CGI battles thrown in to keep the tempo up. The violence was cartoon at best and apart from Rosamund’s skirt there wasn’t any sexiness either.

Overall ‘Wrath of the Titans’ had a few watchable moments but ultimately it was a pointless exercise, unless you have ‘O’ level classics on Monday.

Best Bit : Oh me skirt keeps flapping up.
‘W’ Score 13/23

No.164 : Where The Wild Things Are (2009)

Where the Wild Things Are at the IMDb

The classic children’s book is brought to the screen by Director Spike Jonze with mostly positive results.

The film opens with Max, a young boy who is loud and annoying, running around screaming. I started watching this film on a plane and the head phones were off straight away. Still the Quest is a demanding beast so on I soldiered as Max ran about making a pest of himself to his lovely mother Catherine Keener and to her slobbish boy friend Mark Ruffalo. Max has clearly got no friends, and has to resort to attacking passing neighbours with snow balls to get any attention.

Pretty soon Mom has had enough and after yelling at Max he runs away from home in his natty wolf boy costume. At this point the film slips from reality into fantasy as we follow Max’s adventures in a far away land conjured up by his annoying brain. After a boat trip he finds himself washed up on a remote beach that looks suspiciously like that one which always shows up in ‘Star Trek’. Max soon encounters the inhabitants of the island, a lumbering crew of ‘Wild Things’ that look like a faded reunion show for ‘The Banana Splits’.

The beasts resemble stuffed toys but rather than be a fearsome crew they are all pretty nice and are voiced by celebrities. The Tony Soprano character is at first keen to eat Max but when the lad develops a bit of spirit and declares himself king, the monsters soon agree to his rule. Not all is well however as the characters of the beasts resemble the moods of Max and that’s never going to end well.

After an overlong dirt ball fight some of the monsters get hurt while others start to doubt the wisdom of their ’king’. Max himself realises what a difficult job being a leader is and how his Mom maybe isn’t so bad after all. Can max get home before the local nonce finds his secret hidey hole and will he be a bit nicer to his Mom following his experiences?

This is a strange kind of film. It’s based on a book for 5-7 year olds but seems to be trying to tells us grown ups about our lost innocence and imaginations, through the medium of muppet. The film opened badly with 20 odd minutes of screaming and it looked like Canadian public access TV, with its rocky cameras and no expense spent sets.

It does get better when we reach Monster Isle and I was quite impressed by the monsters. The suits are great and although the expressions were realised digitally you can’t see the joins. One thing that was a bit jarring was having the cartoon monsters from the book lifted straight out and placed in a real environment. In the book the cartoon monsters lived in a cartoon forest and didn’t look quite so unnatural.

I fully appreciate that we are dealing with a young boys fantasy here, and that was well shown when one monster got an arm yanked off and saw dust came out. He’s obviously playing with a big toy box here and although the lessons were a bit in your face there were still a few laughs along the way.

I did find the voice acting somewhat distracting with the celebrities kind of stealing the limelight form the excellent costumes. The film runs a fairly compact 90 minutes and although it’s not a patch on the book there is enough care and attention to detail on show to make this a journey worth taking.

W Rating 16/23
Best Bit : “Hide in me”

No.43 : Wild Country (2005)

Wild Country at the IMDb

When Glaswegian gym slip mum Kelly is pressured into giving up her baby for adoption she decides to go on a camping trip to cheer herself up - big mistake!

The group of three boys and two girls set off on their hike in the wilds of Scotland as their randy priest escort (Peter Capaldi) checks into the local B&B. Their first night under canvas is interrupted by the sound of a baby crying and they find the tot in an abandoned castle - along with the head of the local peeping Tom. They quickly realise that a monster is on the loose and try to flee, losing two of their number in the process.

They head back to the castle to set a trap for the monster and succeed in killing it, unaware that it’s got a friend - and now it’s pissed! We are now down to the single mum and her erstwhile partner and Dad is about to have his ticket punched! After another encounter that sees a farmer cut down to size our heroine makes it back to the B&B and to the disbelieving priest. He quickly changes his tune when the beast shows up and, it’s not looking good for the ever depleting cast.


This Scottish film looks like it was financed by the director taking back his empty Irn Bru bottles. The creature, a sort of big shaggy pig, looks ridiculous with its rubber face and is as about as scary as a 20p tax demand. The cast do try to play it straight, but many scenes raise an unintentional chuckle as the daftness level is cranked up. The young actors are uniformly awful, with the cheesy dialogue spoken as if it were a bible reading.

The big twist as the end made no sense at all and was only trumped by the sepia toned closing sequence, where the survivors head off into the sun set.

The one saving grace is the weedy 64 minutes run time - you may be short changed by the content but at least it’s not a waste of too much of your time.

Best Bit : Peter Capaldi is always good value

‘W’ Score 14/23

No. 8 : Warlords of Atlantis (1978)

Warlords of Atlantis at the IMDb



I remember seeing this slice of hokum as a seven year old back in 1978 and thought it the best thing ever.



As with most childhood memories things now seem somewhat rose tinted but there is still the odd nugget of interest to be had.



The film opens on the high seas as a Victorian era crew are on an exploratory mission. They are equipped with a state of the art diving bell and a crew of Irish stereotypes. The mission is an unqualified success as the first dive reveals not only dinosaurs but a six foot gold statue to boot. Of course taking the statue is a mistake as it leads to a crew mutiny followed quickly by a rubber octopus attack.



Friend and foes alike end up on a golden beach which they are not unreasonably surprised to learn is the lost city of Atlantis. After meeting the campy ruler they encounter other surface men, including the crew of the Marie Celeste, who have been press ganged into working for the Atlantians, in their war against some plastic monsters.



We also learn that the Atlantians are really from space and have a glowing helmet which lets the wearer see into the future, which fortunately for the budget, is also our past. With the help of an Atlantean beauty our heroes escape but how can they get home, and how can the rubber octopus be defeated?






The film has suffered over the last 30 years and it’s now enjoyed only as an ironic pleasure as the ropey acting and desperate modelling vie for your attention. The opening scenes, shot at sea, wobble all over the place and the single camera follows the cast around rather than be repositioned. The enemy soldiers whom I thought looked cool in their face covering helmets now look a bit suspect in their tight shorts and how Doug McClure ever qualified as an action hero I’ll never know.



The wafer thin plot, that sees our heroes go to Atlantis and then come back again, serves no purpose other than to showcase some truly dreadful creature effects and cod philosophy. Bad acting, bad script and bad effects; but strangely enjoyable.



Best Bit : “It got my pencil!”



‘W’ Rating 13/23