No.336 : Where’s the Love? (2014)

Where's the Love? at the IMDb

No, it’s nothing to do with the Black Eyed Peas’ song - they didn’t use the contraction in any event. This is a made for TV movie about relationships and yes, we have scraped the barrel so far in our ‘W’ movie quest that we are through the base and nearing the Earth’s core.

Our lovely leads are Sebastian and Ryan (a lady) who are a married couple who host a successful daytime talk show called ’Where’s the Love’ [ Ron Howard voice : That’s the name of the film!] that deals with failing marriages. They are both doctors and dispense wisdom and advice to their guests who have issues in their relationships. The big twist is however that our couple also have issues of their own! Can the physicians heal themselves?

The couple survived a rocky period in their marriage when Seb had an affair. The couples’ agent and producers keep pressurising them on take on new jobs and tours meaning they have to shore up their relationship’s crumbling façade whilst never fixing what is at the heart of their dilemmas.

Things come to a head when they are ambushed at a book launch with pictures of Seb out with the same model with whom he had the affair. Ryan ditches his ass and gets her long hair cut to show the changes she plans on making. Seb gets bumped from the show which is rebranded as a programme for divorcees with Ryan hosting solo.

Seb meanwhile gets a job on radio and releases his own book about men making bad choices. Whilst we wait for the inevitable reconciliation there is a side plot of the agent and producer who hate each other but are slowly building respect and maybe feeling a little more? When will all the principals have a big kiss and let this thing be over? Not quickly enough!

This was a horrible cheesy film about relationships that was intercut with captions cards offering wry homilies which were clearly designed for woman to nudge their long suffering spouses and say ‘That’s you that is’. You also have short clips of couples talking about their own relationship issues, just in case the central relationship issues spine of the film wasn’t enough for you.

In truth the film was basically marriage guidance dressed up as entertainment. I wasn’t entertained at all and the ending was so pat and unearned that you are left feeling that they must have run out of money and just jettisoned the previous 80 minutes of character development to just say ‘and they lived happily ever after’. Nothing of substance or value was learned, with the ‘secret’ of a good relationship being declared as 'honesty and communication'. And not boffing models, I’d imagine.

This isn’t a film directed at my demographic and I’m sure some will take the homilies to heart and decide to work at their relationship just as their partner is trying to leave via the bathroom window.

The production values were decent and the cast mostly likeable, but the material was thin and the message patronising. Seek your therapy elsewhere!

Best Bit : They were taken last week!  ‘W’ Rating 6/23

 

No.297 : Wingman Inc. (2015)

Wingman Inc. at the IMDb

The battle of the sexes is explored, or at least brushed over in this lacklustre, alleged comedy.

For some reason the titles have photos of the cast as children which then morph into their current, non-recognisable personas. Our hero Bobby is a dog psychiatrist which involves him talking to a dog on his sofa. He gets a call from his landlord seeking his rent and he announces to no one that he has loads of debts. He does have prospects however, in the shape of a night out with his friends and his plan to propose to his long term girlfriend.

The night out with the friends finishes early as he finds them both hook-ups, foreshadowing the rest of the film. Bobby is so nice and non-threatening he can convince women to cop off with his sleazy friends. His world falls apart however when his girlfriend rejects his proposal and leaves the restaurant with another man.

Sunk into depression we meet up with Bobby 3 months later on the sofa with his stoner flat mate. He has a comedy beard and his pals think he needs to get back out there - especially as they haven’t gotten laid in like three months. Meanwhile in reaction to sleazy men chatting up women in bars a lady has started a service designed to send men away, mainly by suggesting they have small dicks.

Bobby’s friends are happy to pay his rent if he finds them women and they convince him that setting up a Wingman business would be a better use of is time than being a doggie shrink. With two opposing businesses in view, Bobby and the lady inevitably meet when she brings her anxious dog for therapy. What will happen when they find out that they are at opposite ends of the dating spectrum and will the spark that is developing between them become something special?

This was a terrible cheap and nasty film that was well dated in its attitudes and set dressing. Clearly here was no budget at all with the ‘bar’ being a curtain, a poster and a couple of chairs. It looked like a student film in places and wasn’t helped by cack handed direction and editing.

There were no laughs at all with some of it downright offensive - women called lesbians for not falling at our mens’ feet for example. The men were all ass holes but the women were all nasty bitches too, so there was no one to root for.

The whole ‘Wingman’ premise was dubious with our hero basically being a whoremaster and pimp. The lead was as wet as an otter’s pocket and like a poor man’s Jim Halpert. I didn’t manage to spot one good performance, apart from the dog that managed to yawn on cue.

Overall this ‘comedy’ didn’t raise a smile and, as social commentary, you’d get a more balanced view from re runs of ‘The Benny Hill Show’. The ‘will they - won’t they?’ romance was plain tiresome and the ‘growth’ around emotional maturity and respecting others was just irritating.

At least the film closed with 'funny' outtakes running over the credits - Good of them to let us know that there was at least some footage not worthy of the final cut,

Best Bit - Taking the Library Books Back Late ‘W’ Rating 7/23

No.277 : Wine Country (2019)

Wine Country at the IMDb

Who fancies a trip to wine country to meet women with issues and more baggage than an airport carousel? Me neither, but you can’t always get what you want.

Amy Poehler writes, stars and directs and she should be thoroughly ashamed for this risible effort. The plot, as it is, involves six 50 something woman who met as waitresses in Chicago and are now embarking on a trip to the Napa Valley to celebrate one of their half centuries.

The group are your expected ragtag of pushy, dominated, frustrated, worried, disillusioned - basically everything that will attract a scintilla of empathy from the audience. Not this viewer - they all came across as a right pain in the arse to me.

They rent a large house off a disinterested Tina Fey whose character isn’t so much underdeveloped as non-existent. They have her dressed like MacGruber throughout - I have no idea if this was a deliberate Saturday Night Live homage. Poehler plays Abby who is the organised and pushy one of the group. She’s always bossing everyone about and is super confident so it’s no surprise that she is hiding some issues.

She has to wait her turn though, as another has designs on a younger lady artist, another is mousy and hates her husband, another is too focused on her job and yet another is awaiting cancer test results.

Slowly over the weekend the girls have madcap adventures such as getting pissed at a winery and annoying people, and shagging the help in the shape of an ‘I’m doing it for the money’ Jason Schwartzman.

After a few emotional moments the girls’ issues all come to the fore - will they fall out or be stronger for the experience? Seriously, have a guess!

This was a gawd awful waste of time, apart for the cast who all seemed to have a right old laugh getting drunk in the lovely Californian wine region.

My main issue is that all the women were a nightmare. Not quirky or sassy just the sort of people you’d leave a pub for if they showed up. The bonding was so on the nose its bouquet would make you retch as they all learn and grow and elicit cries of ‘You go girls’ from the target demographic of lonely people on their third bottle.

There were no laughs to speak of, unless you enjoy stuntmen in unconvincing wigs rolling down a hill for five minutes. Every revelation was flagged from a mile away with the false fronts being cast aside for a bit of truth and then redemption. I’ve not felt this nauseous since that bottle of £1.99 Kwik Save Chardonnay.

One to miss unless you want some quality female bonding with a bunch of women you’d cross the street to avoid.

Best Bit : Get back to you on that. 'W' Rating 5/23

No.224 : What’s the Worst That Could Happen? (2001)

What’s the Worst That Could Happen? at the IMDb

 What’s the Worst That Could Happen? Well making a sequel to this piece of garbage springs to mind. If that comment seems somewhat predictable I can only say, in my defence, that the film started it.

The frankly never funny Martin Lawrence stars as Kevin, a career thief who scouts auctions for information and potential targets. He scores points off an appraiser by telling her that both her designer glasses and star lot are fakes before taking his wisdom to the auction itself. He spots a pretty girl and, on learning that she is selling a treasured painting to pay her bills steals it from the winning bidder. He then returns it to the lady before receiving some sexy payment in return.

At this early stage the moral compass of the film is set when he tells the lady in a post coital chat that he stole the painting and she thinks he’s a stand up guy for doing so. In a world where black people are often stereotyped as thieves and robbers this is dubious at best especially as every black character in the film has similar moral values ; but he makes wisecracks so that’s OK.

Time passes and Kevin and his acting talent free squeeze have moved in together. He has not done any stealing for a while much to the chagrin of his fence, the late Bernie Mac. His pal John Leguizamo tells him about an easy score at Danny DeVito’s house but this soon goes awry and DeVito takes from him his lucky ring that the new girlfriend gave him. The rest of the film takes up the pointless cat and mouse chase as Kevin and DeVito try to outsmart each other to get the ring and stay ahead of flamboyant police Detective William Finchner

This has to be the worst film I have seen in a long time. It is clearly made for morons with pratfalls and the most obvious gags you have ever seen. For example that ancient one where he says ‘There’s no way you are coming on this trip’ just before a cut to a scene where they are on that trip - yeah that’s there. You also get the slackest, most improbable plot allied with characters who have motivations that defy belief. If DeVito is this mega-businessman answering to Senate committees why is he squabbling with a house breaker? Don’t there guys have people to take care of that kind of thing?

Still to get bogged down in semantics does this film a service it doesn’t deserve. It is unfunny, poorly plotted, terribly scripted and downright offensive - why is it acceptable to dress up as Arabs and do funny voices? The tea towel on the head went out in the 1970’s!

The only mild amusement for me, apart from seeing name actors making a fool of themselves, was the funny sign language interpreter and that was stolen wholesale form ‘Airplane!’.

The end kind of summed up the whole enterprise for me when Lawrence appeared in an outsized afro wig and said ‘I’m a black male, not a blackmailer’. Yes, it was that terrible.

‘W’ Score 3/23
Best Bit : ‘The End’

No.163 : Wrong Side of Town (2010)

Wrong Side of Town at the IMDb

You’d have thought an action flick starring a couple of wrestlers would have swept the board at the Oscars but as always it’s not who you know it’s who you blow.

In truth the only reason to watch this film is for the laughably bad acting and dialogue but I’m sure there are worse ways to spend 90 minutes. Hmmm, let’s see sticking your willy in a blender for one and then …

No neck midget wrestler Rob Van Dam takes the lead as Bobby a simple family man who is living the suburban dream. The fact that he’s got a cissy pony tail and more tats than a council estate isn’t mentioned. He meets his new neighbour, a bookish black fellow, and despite our hero looking the front man for a BNP rally he quickly agrees to a night out on the town. Bobby has some reservations as the club is on the ‘wrong side of town’ but goes along anyway.

Despite the club being the hot spot in town Bobby gets in with his t-shirt on and settled down to dinner in the least convincing restaurant you’ll ever see. As he predicted things soon kick off when Bobby’s wife gets molested by a dickwad on drugs. Bob saves the day but the bad guy falls on his own knife setting our hero against the miscreant’s father.


Despite his obvious innocence Bob is quickly on the run, well waddle, against a lacklustre army of deadbeat gang bangers and an unconvincing bent cop. The journey home is peppered with low-rent bust ups as Bobby does his best at kicking some face. Once home he discovers his daughter has been kidnapped by Mr Big and he has to set off on his Harley with his shades on at 2 am with only some other WWF guy to help.

This is a real comedy classic and if it wasn’t being played straight you’d think it a masterpiece. I know you can’t expect a lot in a film starring Rob Van Dam in the acting stakes but this is really cringe making stuff. Rob is actually only dreadful in the lead as a black ops guy with more muscles than a sea food restaurant. He doesn’t even master the basics like remembering to limp after he’s been shot in the leg and the emotional scenes with the daughter will make you wince and snigger in equal measure.

You’d imagine that when you have wrestlers in the main roles you’d get them a bit of support in the cast but no! Seth, the main villain, is played by possibly the worst actor you’ll ever see. He heads a gang of baldies that are as menacing as the Teletubbies. His maniacal rantings and burst of anger come across as mild annoyance and his henchmen, including a mute black man in sun glasses, beggar belief.

The action scenes are really poor and amount to a few people getting kicked in the balls. Obviously wrestling moves don’t translate to street fighting, what with the lack of folding chairs and all, so all our muscle bound main man can manage is a couple of bitch slaps.

The whole thing wraps up pretty neatly in the course of one night and hopefully that’ll also cover the span of the careers of all those involved.

Best Bit : Rob Hits the Strip Joint
‘W’ Rating 11/23

No. 143 : Wedding Crashers (2005)

Wedding Crashers at the IMDb

Here’s a film that looks like it will be good for a few laughs but when you sit through the thing you realise that it’s a lot of preachy sentimental guff. And I love you man for hearing that.

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are the titular crashers, a laborious process that seems to involve a lot of work to get some free canapés and score some chicks - haven’t these guys ever heard of the free buffet at Hooters? Basically they finagle their way into weddings and work hard at being the life and soul of the party. They don’t mention how they get in the seating plan for dinner but for my money I imagine most hosts would welcome them as most weddings painfully dull.

The first 20 minutes is basically an extended montage of various weddings and demonstrates the versatility of our fellows - they can do Jewish, Indian you name it. As the montage closes we see them bed an unfeasible parade of lovelies and frankly we’re all as jealous as Hell. But wait! Are they really happy and fulfilled? Who cares? Let’s have more laughs. Sadly no, the remainder of our film deals with the realisation that the fun times are fleeting and we should get married to be really happy.

The turning point comes at a wedding hosted by a US senator played by Christopher Walken, who seems in strangely muted form. After our guys steal the show they are invited back to the family spread for the weekend. Owen is keen to go as he’s taken a shine to Rachel McAdams whereas Vince is less so due to the amorous attentions of the clearly loopy Isla Fisher. Of course they go and over the course of the weekend have various misadventures with Jane Seymour’s horny mother and the artist brother who takes a shine to Vince.

All is not well however as McAdams' slimy fiancée smells a rat and exposes our guys fabricated tales. They rightly get booted out but their friendship suffers as the love struck Wilson can’t cope with rejection. Vaughn meanwhile is still seeing Fisher leaving Wilson no choice but to seek council from the legendary crasher Chazz, Will Ferrell, who has now graduated to crashing funerals. With the family now strangely happy for Vaughn to marry their daughter it’s up to Wilson to crash one last wedding in the hope of a happy ending for all.

I enjoyed this film a lot less than I should have done given the talent on show. The leads are all likable when they are misbehaving but as soon as it gets serious it goes downhill fast. Some of the sentimental pap is barf inducing especially from Wilson whose serial stalker comes out with some real mawkish rubbish. Vaughn is little better offering hugs and ‘love yous’ every five minutes. The only one who comes out with any credibility is Ferrell who sticks to the mantra and seems to be doing fine despite being painted as a loser.

I did feel sorry for the fiancé character who seemed the only one on the ball and gets vilified for exposing the con men. His character gets assassinated when he’s rude to the servant and eyes up some chicks but at least he is up front about it. His downfall at the end isn’t really earned although I did like Vaughn’s ‘Ike Turner’ line.

The other thing that irritated me was the constant quoting of the rules - yeah like they’re going to learn over 100 nuggets of wisdom and live by them. Beer and chicks should have covered it. There were a few good bits including a Milftastic turn by Seymour but overall the message was too in your face and it smothered what comedy the film may have had. It was also troubling to see Wilson with a suicide book only months before his own attempt - sloppy work props department!

Best Bit : Feel them
‘W’ Rating : 11/23

No.131 : Walk Like A Man (1987)

Walk Like a Man at the IMDb


We have done some bottom feeding to keep the ‘W’ quest alive but we lowered our already non existent standards to sit through this pile o’ shite.

The film opens in an unconvincing snow covered wilderness with a gold prospector trying to get his family to safety before the weather closes in. We can tell from the off that his older son is a right bastard as he kicks the dogs when setting up the sled. As the family travel through the rather pleasant looking wilderness the bad son knocks his baby brother off the sled so he can have a comfy ride.

Luckily for the baby, and not for the audience, a pack of wolves find the tot and rather than eat it they raise it as their own. 28 years later a conservationist is in the woods studying wolves and she comes across the now grown baby who managed to knock himself out an a log cabin. Amazingly the boy hasn’t been declared legally dead and his $30 million inheritance is still waiting for him. This isn’t good news for his now grown sibling, Christopher Lloyd who has pissed away his share of the cash.

The wolf boy is invited into the family home and a predictable series of scrapes follow where the brother first tries to kill him and then tries to declare him incompetent so he can get the cash. As this is going on wolfie is being taught to talk by the conservationist who may be falling for him too. As the court date approaches we have to wonder if the wolf boy will get the money or whether it will go to the nasty conniving brother and his drunk wife.

I appreciate we’ve called a few films out as being the worst ever and really dreadful but this one really takes the biscuit. It is so unfunny you’ll cringe at the efforts at humour and the three acts are so defined it’s a surprise they didn’t put up caption cards. Howie Mandel, who now presents ‘Deal or no Deal’ in America and frankly this film is one offer he should have refused. He doesn’t utter a word for the first 45 minutes and that’s a blessing as when he talks it as a simpleton trying to elicit sympathy from an audience long since tired at his ‘antics’.

The innocent abroad angle is played to death with our man humorously trying to learn how to use an escalator and toys. The passers-by are amused by the antics while we watching hide behind our fingers at the embarrassment on show. The love angle with the conservationist is horrendous and when she tells him that teaching him has taught her more about herself I defy you not to barf.

Howie Mandel is shocking in the lead with his physical comedy basically amounting to crawling around. It gets worse when he talks, uttering crappy dialogue like..a..poorly…programmed…robot. Christopher Lloyd is also poor as the villain who exudes all the menace of a small plum. If he was a bastard as suggested why doesn’t he get a hit man? Instead he relies on a pisspoor lawyer who lets surprise witnesses talk for way too long in court.


I’ve nothing against bad films that tried their best but this lazy predictable and unfunny rubbish is just plain insulting.

Best Bit : Ongoing neighbour’s wrecked driveway gag.
‘W’ Rating : 2/23

No. 123 : Water (1985)

Water at the IMDb

Michael Caine stars in this British farce, which sees a backwater dependency become a political football when high grade mineral water is discovered. The film opens in genial fashion with Caine’s island governor enjoying a spliff with the natives as he tends his dubious crops. The cosy atmosphere is interrupted however when a pair of local militants hijack the local radio station. They offer little in the way of menace however, if you discount Billy Connolly’s singing.

Elsewhere an American oil firm is using an abandoned drilling rig to shoot an commercial about how they tap recourses in out of the way places to avoid a dependency of middle eastern oil. As they shoot with Lorenzo St. Dubois out of ‘The Producers’ the platform bursts forth with gallons of mineral water which they quickly realise is worth more than motor oil. After a call to their boss, Herman Munster, they try to do a drilling rights deal with Caine.

Meanwhile in London the cost of maintaining the island leads the government to dispatch Reggie Perrin to evacuate the place as they need the labour elsewhere and could ill afford another Falklands lest the Cubans invade. Add to the party a bunch of mercenaries hired by the French to knock out a potential rival mineral water to their Perrier and a sexy environmentalist played by Miss Teschmacher out of ‘Superman’ and you can only guess at the contrivances and reversals to come.

This is a decent if unspectacular film penned by Dick Clements and Ian La Frenais and starring almost every bit part player you can think of. The farcical nature of the film demands lots of wrong foots and added layers of idiocy which at times can get a bit grating. Indeed, that lengthy plot summary misses out quite a lot and to cover everything you’d be better off just reprinting the script.

It did look like the cast had a right jolly time making the film on St Lucia and some of that does transfer onto the screen. Caine however is just going through the motions and looks daft when he joins the revolutionaries. Worse still is Brenda Vaccarro as his wife who does a terrible accent throughout despite looking rather fetching in his skimpies.

The satire wasn’t exactly of the ‘biting’ variety with obvious and lazy takes on British imperialism including Leonard Rossiter showing up in the Caribbean with an umbrella and Maureen Lipman doing the standard Maggie Thatcher impression. In the US the stereotypes were maintained with Fred Gwynne’s oil baron and Ruby Wax’s assistant particularly uninspired.

As the film reaches it’s climax the big guns are pulled out as producer George Harrison and his pals Ringo and Eric perform an unlikely concert at the United Nations but alas it’s not quite enough to save the film or possibly even the island. As the mercenaries set their charges we have to wonder if they, or the film’s box office takings, will prove the bigger bomb.

Given its high profile cast and tropical setting it’s a hard film to dislike but there aren’t enough jokes or winning performances to save the day and at best it’s closer to water than Champagne.

Best Bit : Reggie Gets Randy

‘W’ Rating 13/23

No. 121 : Wacko (1982)

Wacko at the IMDb

I was always told that if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. With this in mind the review of ‘Wacko’ shouldn’t really get beyond the first sentence. Well review it we must and although I’ll try to remain my usual positive self it will be hard to be nice about this awful, awful film.

The set up is pretty good with the film being an ‘Airplane’ style take on slasher movies with a cast that includes familiar faces like George Kennedy, Joe Don Baker (out of some of the latter day ‘James Bond’ films’) and Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay. The plot concerns the ‘lawnmower killer’, a loon with a pumpkin mask who killed a bunch of kids at the ‘Pumpkin Prom’ using, you guessed it, a lawn mower.

Years later and the killer is still at large. Today’s crop of horny teens are getting ready for this year's prom but jaded detective Dick is still on the case. He claims he hasn’t slept for 13 years which is not something anyone watching this film could lay claim to! One of the murdered kid's sister who witnessed the attack is still traumatized and matters aren’t helped by her peeping Tom Dad (Kennedy) who is also a messy surgeon.

At the school a mad German scientist, doing his best Peter Sellers impression, is trying out drugs on the football team which have wolf man inducing side effects. With an escape from the mental hospital and sightings of the lawnmower Killer increasing we have to worry who, if anyone, from the cast will survive and who really is the pumpkin masked miscreant?

This film manages to score 2.3/10 on the IMDb and frankly it’s flattered by that. It is the least funny film I’ve seen in a long time and I’ve seen ‘Superhero Movie’. The main problem is the script which calls for all the characters to be wacky and eccentric. The joy of the ‘Airplane’ films is that they were played straight, with ridiculous lines and situations regarded as the norm. In this mess you get George Kennedy embarrassing himself as a letchy father come surgeon who’s only humour is derived from being a known actor making a tit of himself.

The plot doesn’t make any sense, but we could forgive that if they pepper the film with rapid fire gags and funny observations. Sadly we get none, with nods to the likes of ‘Halloween’ and ‘Poltergeist’ barely raising a smile. One sequence, for which a caption appeared suggesting the viewer go to the refreshment stand as it wasn’t important, summed up how forgettable and throwaway the whole enterprise was.

I was looking forward to an early appearance from the Dice Man but sadly his underwritten role involved him having a big cock that could tip tables if someone made a suggestive remark. For all its teen slasher pretensions there is little swearing, no nudity and precious little violence. When you marry this lack of ingredients to shoddy direction and a mirth free script you can understand why the film is largely forgotten. A real turd of a film and the worst investment of 90 minutes you can imagine. Not so bad it’s good, it's just dreadful.

Best Bit : Spray cream Bikini
‘W’ Rating : 3/23

No. 120 : Wild Child (2008)

Wild Child at the IMDb

We recently had a look at the teen girl coming of age in merrie olde England comedy ‘What a Girl Wants’ and deemed it acceptable. ‘Wild Child’ uses the same formula but to a lesser effect, so much so that it leaves a sour taste rather than some soppy but heart-warming feel goodness, which let’s face it, we’re all after.

The titular child is Poppy played by Emma Roberts whose subsequent credits include canine boarding caper ‘Hotel for Dogs’. She is a spoiled Malibu princess who responds to her Dad’s new girlfriend moving in by giving away all of step mom’s clothes - thought Dad would be quite happy with that! This being the last of several straws he resolves to send her to the boarding school in England, where her late mother went, to straighten her out.

The predictable fish out of water scenario is then played out as she shows up with her sun glasses and fancier mobile phone. The fact that she’s materialistic is laid on with a trowel - remember that later cliché fans - she may have a choice to make! She immediately falls foul of the school bully and of her room mates after she earns them all a detention from Shirley Henderson’s shameful Scottish matron.

Desperate to get home Poppy decides the only way to get out of the school is to be expelled and various mild shenanigans follow. Just as her exploits are having the desired effect she falls for the Head’s sexy son and realises that her room mates are all nice and there is more to life than stuff. Fate takes a hand however when after failing to log out of her e-mail a bad person uses the account to send mischief. Things come to a head when a fire possibly caused by Poppy threatens the school and only her former friends can save her from the inquisition that follows.

In some ways this film is better than ‘What a Girl Wants’ in that the British aren’t made out to be backwards weirdoes and Prince Charles isn’t on hand. What is lacks however is any form of sympathy for the lead, who rather than ‘Wild’ appears to be whiney and annoying. The road to Damascus style conversion is awfully handled with the loaning of a jumper the catalyst for total character rebuilding.

The lead is dreadful and loses any school girl foxiness when she takes out the blonde hair dye and goes mousey brown. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the American character holds all others in awe but it is unusual that the Malibu princess is the best lacrosse player in the country and has the personality to ignite an ‘I’m Spartacus’ style uprising at the student council, which bizarrely has the power to decide fire raising claims.

It’s sad to note that this rubbish was the last film of Natasha Richardson who plays the firm but fair head in a role which has ‘where’s the pay cheque?’ written all over it. Elsewhere you also get a pikey looking Daisy Donovan as a sports teacher and a cringe worthy Nick Frost as a gay hairdresser.

An absolute shocker with nothing to recommend it.

Best Bit : Uh, let’s say the lacrosse final, but even that’s poorly staged and predictable.
‘W’ Rating : 4/23

No. 113 : Without A Clue (1988)

Without a Clue at the IMDb

This film opens with Sherlock Holmes apprehending a gang of thieves using his customary wit and a bit of derring do - but things are not all they seem. Once the police and press have gone home from fawning over the master detective he gets yelled at by his assistant, Dr Watson.

Dr Watson, it transpires, is the brains of the outfit and Sherlock Holmes is a character he’s created for his mystery stories, who is played by an unemployed actor. Watson is annoyed that his creation hogs the limelight and he gets no joy when he asks his publisher to let him take centre stage as ‘The Doctor Detective’.

With their relationship broken down Holmes (an excellent Michael Caine) hits the bottle and chases the ladies but soon runs out of cash. Watson on the other hand is threatened with breach of contract by his publisher (Peter Cook) and charged by the Queen herself to investigate the theft of some printing blocks which could ruin the Empire through counterfeit cash.

The duo reluctantly team up and are soon visited by the lovely Lysette Anthony who says her printer father has been abducted. This together with some imported ink and a fire at a paper factory suggest large scale forging is underway and the only man capable of such a neferious feat is the evil Dr Moriarty.

During a shoot out at the docks Watson is seemingly killed it’s up to the hapless Holmes to solve the case with only the help of his landlady and lovely Lynette. With the baddies traced to an old theatre Holmes has to rely on his actor’s training rather than his wits to save the day.

I really enjoyed this film despite it’s pretty straightforward plot and slap stick gags. Michael Caine does a great old soak and Ben Kingsley offers a good counterpoint as the undervalued Watson. The production is sumptuous throughout with Victorian London looking marvellous, replete with urchins and gas lamps.

Of the second string I was a bit disappointed in the usually reliable Jeffrey ‘Beuller’ Jones as Inspector LeStrade whose voice seemed badly dubbed. Maybe his 'gor blimey' accent didn’t cut the mustard but it was distracting nonetheless. Lysette Anthony did her usual posh bird bit and she certainly offered few surprises when her character’s motivations were revealed - nice stockings though!

Despite a few throat slashings this is good family fayre with no sex or swearing. Normally that’d put me off but there is a lot to like in this film with great performances from the two leads and a reasonable sprinkling of laughs throughout.

Best Bit : The mystery of the ass grabber is solved
‘W’ Rating 17/23

No. 112 : What’s Up, Tiger Lily? (1966)

What's Up, Tiger Lily at the IMDb

Here’s a bit of an oddity from the early career of Woody Allen. The film is almost all a Japanese spy thriller which has been re-dubbed by Allen and others for humorous effect. If that sounds a bit cheap, it is but I certainly had more laughs watching this than I do when I watch most modern films, Allen’s included.

The film opens with a host who briefly introduces Woody and gives us an idea of what to expect. Allen is deadpan throughout and says little, but that was pretty much his shtick then as it is now.

The film is a pretty short 80 minutes and there is a good bit of padding included in that run time. For no apparent reason The Lovin’ Spoonful contribute a couple of song and although they are fine they add nothing to the film and hinder the little narrative flow that there is. According to the IMDb the studio wanted the hour long film boosted to ‘feature’ length so that explains it, but doesn’t excuse it.

The opening scene of the Japanese film is something of a disappointment as it happens in a strip club with all the dancing lady’s interesting bits obscured by text. It’s a couple of minutes before a line is spoken and it seems a waste to start on such a weak gag.

The film is so slow to get going that I almost baled out after ten minutes but things soon pick up once the plot is revealed. Our hero is a spy charged with locating a secret recipe for egg salad. All elements of the underworld are after it too and there are endless shootouts and double crosses. Given that the script has been thrown out it’s hard to work out what’s happening and this is acknowledged half way in when we cut back to the host who asks Allen for a plot summary only to be curtly refused.

The spy film seems pretty high budget and there are some impressive actions sequences and lots of lovely oriental ladies, something that Woody himself revealed a taste for later in life! The gags are all of the same toilet humour variety with idiotic announcements and out bursts of song filling the run time. Other gags include rewinding the film, causing a gang of men to jump of a boat when a mouse is spotted and having an eye test run alongside a stripping lady lest you be looking at the wrong thing.

In truth the film is a bit of a hotch potch but there are enough laughs and eye candy to justify a viewing . I’m only glad this cheap genre never fully took off, well until YouTube of course - have you seen the re-dubbed Hitler being told his X-Box is broken? Classic!

Best Bit : Sexy Grid Iron Team Go Into Battle
‘W’ Rating 15/23

No. 107 : Without A Paddle : Nature’s Calling (2009)

Without a Paddle - Nature's Calling at the IMDb

It’s surprising how many crappy films earn a sequel but I was certainly taken aback that the lamentable original of this franchise managed to spawn a straight to video second helping. I saw the first ‘Paddle’ film on 19/01/2005 and immediately excised it from my memory. I remember it’s got Shaggy and Scott Evil in it and that the ending solved the DB Cooper mystery but apart from that I remember nothing.

I therefore went into ‘Nature’s Calling’ with a relatively open mind, or at least as open as it can be when it has the dreaded ‘DVD premiere’ tag affixed. Some brief research showed that none of the original stellar cast reprise their role and instead we get a cast of unknowns basically remaking the original.

The film opens in classic redemption film style with a flash back where we meet our two heroes at school when they are 14. Zach is the cool doofus type whereas Ben is the studious one who falls for a girl who soon gets expelled for campaigning for lab rats. After the titles we meet the pair in their twenties with Zach working at an old folks’ home and Ben as a corporate lawyer.

Hollywood then plays it’s unlikely hand with an elderly patient of Zach’s asking him to find her long lost grand daughter who also happens to be Ben’s unrequited love. The pair resolve to find the girl, a choice that especially suits Ben who has a pair of escaped criminals he failed to defend on his trail. As the guys ready to leave they are joined by Nigel, an annoying British step son of the dying pensioner who may have an agenda of his own.

The trio hire a raft in small town Oregon and there’s barely time for the clichéd locals to warn of the monster in the woods before they set off. As the trio set off downstream we are treated to endless ‘Deliverance’ style P.O.V. shots and no end of intrigue, I’ll be bound.

This is an awful film that deserves it’s ignominious release and poor ratings. It is clearly aimed at an adolescent market with endless planks in the balls gags allied with references to ‘wood’ and ‘shitake’ (thanks ‘Goldmember’). The quest for a teen certificate means that there is no nudity or swearing but plenty of CGI squirrel ball biting action.

The cast are uniformly dreadful with Ben the worst, a sort of Keanu Reeves without the charisma. I did have a soft spot for Nigel whom we were supposed to hate but seemed a decent guy amongst his twattish companions despite his tiring Kevin Kline impression.

The plot, as it was, was predictable throughout and every bit of skulduggery was telegraphed form several scenes earlier. There was an attempt at a wrong foot with respect to the love story but given that the characters were all interchangeable you’ll hardly notice. The big end revelation was only a surprise in retrospect as I thought that’s what the old woman meant in the first place.

The film is competently made and some of the raft scenes were well done. Darkest Oregon did look a bit like a nature garden in places however and the CGI squirrels and hummingbird were badly misjudged. I did like NFL legend Jerry Rice turning up as Al Gore’s mental and black brother but sadly his late breaking appearance failed to rescue the sinking raft.

Best Bit : Riding the rapids
'W' Rating 11/23

No.96 : What Happens In Vegas (2008)

IMDb Link : http://What Happens in Vegas at the IMDb



Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz star in this formulaic rom-com that has little to recommend it apart from some fun scenes in the titular town and some decent supporting players.

The film opens with both our leads facing difficult times. Kutcher is a slacker who works for his dad’s furniture firm. When he’s caught goofing off he gets the boot from his Dad who is tired of his lack of application and indeed basketball skills. Elsewhere, control freak Diaz is planning a surprise birthday party for her stuffed shirt fiancé but is dumped before the surprise is sprung, to the embarrassment of her hiding friends.



The down in the dumps duo drown their sorrows with their best pals and independently decide that a trip to Vegas is the best bet to chase the blues away. Due to a computer mix up the couples are assigned to the same room and after a bit of comic fighting the hotel agrees to upgrade them by way of compensation. Kutcher and Diaz don’t get on at first but after some heavy boozing and an extended montage scene things start to click. The next morning Diaz is relived to find her tattoo is of the temporary variety but unfortunately the wedding ring is not.

At breakfast the pair agree to annulment but start to fight over who got the worse end of the match. Before stomping off Diaz gives Kutcher 25c to call his lawyer which he sticks in a slot machine. As dictated by movie law, and no doubt the casino sponsors, the coin is good for a $3 million jackpot and the warring couple find themselves bickering over who gets the cash. Sadly for them they get a script approved judge who enacts some made up law and compels them to live together for six months before the fate of the cash is decided.

The middle portion of the film is then devoted to various schemes from both sides and their allies dedicated to gaining a bigger slice of the pie. As things escalate and the schemes get nastier the couple wonder if it’s worth the grief and whether they really dislike each other after all. When the final judgement is due we are left to guess who’ll get the cash and whether the film will end in the fashion you predicted from the start. (it does)

This is a really poor effort with few laughs and a far fetched plot. The two leads don’t have any chemistry at all and seem a poor match from the off. The best parts are the scenes where their obvious dislike manifests itself in gross out gags and physical fighting. Obviously that can’t last so the characters go through an unbelievable transformation (mediated by an annoying Queen Latifa) that sees the money an after thought to true love.

The only saving grace for me was Rob Corddry as Kutcher’s inept and balding lawyer pal. He showed up in the last Harold & Kumar film and was the best thing in that too as the bigoted ass wiping cop. He is however sadly underused and a subplot involving him lusting after Diaz’s friend is left under developed. The scenes in Vegas were glitzy and enticing but the city showed up so well that there must have been a cash input from tourist board - no one going broke here, only upgrades and jackpots.

The ending was never in doubt, but the sickening closing line about ‘winning the jackpot’ was really vomit educing. Diaz is getting on a bit for these kind of movies and her duck like face seemed a bit haggard for the youthful Kutcher who looked 20 years her junior. Nothing wrong in that but not when she’s been sold as a sexy lead and she look’s like Ashton’s Mom. Ashton is a bit better but his boorish behaviour isn’t endearing and he just comes across as a tit. Add to this a ridiculous Judge and a by the numbers marriage councillor and you have a pretty empty experience. I don’t know what happens in Vegas but this one should definitely stay on the video shop shelf if you are seeking a good night in.

Best Bit : The camcorder wedding footage

‘W’ Rating : 13/23

No.95 : What’s Up, Doc? (1972)

 What's Up Doc? at the IMDb

Barbara Streisand stars as Judy Maxwell in this screwball comedy, come farce set in San Francisco. The film opens with Ryan O’Neil and his fiancée arriving at the airport prior to their nuptials. We know he’s a nerd as he wears glasses but to hammer the point home he’s also a geologist who is carrying a tartan bag full of rocks in the hope of securing a grant for his research. Elsewhere a man with an identical bag checks the contents - a load of files marked ‘Top Secret’. He has worries of his own as he’s being followed by a mysterious man.

As Ryan checks into the hotel we overhear a rich lady checking her own tartan bag in at reception - this one is full of jewels and to complete the quartet another tartan bag full of knickers is thrown into the mix. With all these tartan bags floating around I hope they don’t all get mixed up with funny consequences! Of course they do, but first Ryan has to bump into Barbara which he duly does in the hotels chemist when she delivers the titular line as her greeting.

For reasons not immediately clear the fast talking Barbara takes a shine to Ryan and make his head spin with her double talk and riddles. With the cast now all introduced it’s time for the bags to get mixed up and for various unfortunate coincidences to unfold. With Ryan’s grant at stake as well as his engagement he has to fend off the annoying Barbara as well as thieves and spies galore.

Once the mix is in the open the various keepers and desirers of the bag engage on a long chase through the streets of San Francisco by car, foot and bicycle with love, diamonds and national security at risk. Who will end up with who and what bag will each of them end up with? Can the judge sort out the whole mess and get the starring pair together for the credits? Yeah, probably.

Although extremely contrived this is a hard film to dislike and there are several nods to camera that indicate that the skewed reality is no oversight. I’m not usually a fan of farce and there are plenty of occasions where a timely explanation would save a whole heap of trouble, but clearly that’d be less fun.

The first hour is basically a preamble to the memorable chase sequence which has a few cracking stunts and some vintage slapstick moments such as the men trying to get a plate of glass across street while cars fly back and forth. The secondary characters are great value with Ryan’s grant rival good fun as is his frumpy fiancées, played by Madeline Khan who was a whole lot sexier in ‘Blazing Saddles’.

The two leads are pretty good although the fast talking Streisand in her Jewish Princess mode would be a major annoyance after a few minutes of her company. O’Neil does well as the stuffed shirt Howard who comes out of his shell as the film progresses.

The plot as it is, is simply a series of misunderstandings but enough fun and action is heaped upon it that you forget how sleight it is. Not a bone fide classic but certainly as good as a screwball comedy as you could hope for.

Best Bit : Smashing Scene With Glass

‘W’ Score : 17/23

No.90 : We’re No Angels (1989)

We're No Angels at the IMDb

Robert De Niro and Sean Penn star as a pair of escaped felons who disguise themselves as priests to avoid recapture. No hilarity ensues.

The film opens in decent fashion with our men safely locked up. After they chat during the governor’s speech they are given a beating and made to watch the execution of a mass murderer. Things go pear shaped however when the bad guy escapes from the electric chair and drags our heroes along in his escape bid. They manage to get over the wall but are left on their own as they are still chained up.

They manage to make it to a small town but the authorities are hot on their trail. As luck would have it a religious festival is about to start and our guys manage to pass themselves off as a pair of priests. Unable to get out of town they try to lie low but complications arise through Demi Moore’s single mother and Bruno Kirby’s confessional lawman.

Obviously no one has photographs of anyone as no one knows what the priests or indeed the escaped criminals look like. Fortunately for our guys the real priests take their time in arriving and everyone is so stupid that Sean Penn’s rough Brooklyn thicko can pass himself off as a distinguished scholar. They also fool young monk John C. Reilly who idolises their every word and mimics the clothes peg still stuck on Penn’s stolen clothes.

With the town in lock down and the real priests overdue our guys are in a bind. Could a procession into Canada be their salvation and can they convince the faithless Demi to lend them her sick child to allow them to join? Obviously the answer to both is yes and the only question remains is whether can they escape and at what cost?

This is a terrible film that can only be described as a comedy if your definition doesn’t require laughs, funny situations or characters. The opening scenes in the prison are really brutal and it hardly sits well with a film that quickly shifts to a bog standard fish out of water scenario. The laughs are supposedly derived form the situation of a couple of crooks passing themselves off as priests, but given that the church is so corrupt it’s hardly a great stretch.

I quite like De Niro in his ‘Meet the Parents’ comedy role but here he offers nothing in the way of mirth or sympathy for a poorly drawn character. Penn likewise was funny as Jeff Spicoli in ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High’ but here he’s just a whiny caricature of the dumb New Yorker. The film boasts a cracking second string cast but no one does their best work here with the usually reliable Kirby and Reilly praying for a miracle in the shape of a decent line or scrap of character development.

The set up was pretty weak from the off and these ‘trapped in town’ films always seem restricted and annoying to me. The various impediments put in their path seem fabricated and why two hardened criminals don’t steal a truck from the start is never explained. The lack of the real priests also grates with their prolonged and unexplained absence an obvious McGuffin to allow the situation to exist.

The idea that our men can be redeemed by their masquerade is a pretty thin theme and I certainly had nothing invested in their dull quest for freedom and absolution.

There is pretty much nothing to recommend this film which is as much fun as two hours at church but significantly less funny.

Best Bit : Jail Break

‘W’ Score : 8/23

No.88 : Welcome To Woop Woop (1997)

Welcome to Woop Woop at the IMDb

Here’s an Australian film you’ve probably not heard of, directed by the same guy who gave us ‘The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert’.

Teddy is a New York con man who smuggles exotic birds from Australia to sell out the back of his van for $1000 a time. Unfortunately for him his creditors turn up looking for money and in the resulting scrap both get killed and he loses his stock of birds. Fearing retribution he decides to lose himself in darkest Australia. After getting his VW van filled by Sir Les Patterson he picks up a couple of passengers, including the free spirited Angie, who is more than free her charms.

After some energetic sex and a dip in the ocean Teddy feels free of his troubles and gleefully agrees that he’s in love with his foxy, but slightly unhinged partner. She proceeds to knock him spark out and the next thing he knows is waking up in a pig sty in the titular town of Woop Woop. The town used to be a big producer of asbestos but was wiped off the map in the 70s when the mine closed. The townsfolk decided to stay in their isolated community and live by their own set of rules, including one that states that you can never leave. We learn that inbreeding has produced too many runts and strangers are lured in to keep the gene pool viable.

The town makes a brand of dog food from road kill kangaroos and they subsist on pineapple chunks and lager. Sounds good to me! The patriarch, Daddio, is a right bastard and shoots potential escapees and hogs the good grub for himself. Teddy sensing dissension in the town forms some alliances and hope to hatch a plan to escape with the similarly disaffected Krystal. With only one truck in town and the key in Daddio’s hands can an escape work and will the mythical ‘Big Red’ come to their aid?



I quite enjoyed this film but it was a pity that it wasn’t so much better. The idea of an inbred community capturing virile men to keep them going was a fun one and for once they weren’t a bunch of mutant hill billies. The community angle worked quite well although it was a bit heavy to show Daddio having a stuffed fridge as if being a kidnapping dictator wasn’t enough.

The first half hour was best the scenes with the young couple were lively and fun - it was a shame they had to get back to the plot! Various Aussie luminaries made an appearance including Rod Taylor playing the stereotypical XXXX drinking, loudmouth Ozzer and Rachel Griffiths in a blink and you’d miss it part of an American slut.

The attempts to make the town sinister and threatening didn’t really work and I quite fancied a couple of weeks there myself. It was obvious from the start that the power corrupts angle was going to be exploited with our man the breath of fresh air needed to blow the old regime away. The finale was pretty routine until a left field supernatural moment caught me by surprise. A bit daft, but fun all the same.

If you FF by the credits you get an extra scene and I just hope the Aussie child support agency aren’t watching. An enjoyable distraction of a film that had plenty of lively women and cracking scenery but not enough character development or plot to hold it together.

Best Bit : Angie goes on a man hunt


‘W’ Score 14/23

No.85 : Weird Science (1985)

Weird Science at the IMDb

High school losers Gary and Wyatt are desperate to get laid, but have no chance when the school bullies pull their pants down in front of the girls’ gym class. After watching a strangely coloured version of ’Frankenstein’ they hit on the idea of creating a woman that they can, presumably, shag. Fortunately Wyatt is a spoiled child and has a computer set-up that would make NASA green with envy and programming skills that seem somewhat advanced for 1985.

After feeding in a lot of pictures into a handy slot on the computer they press ‘enter’ just as the house is hit by lightening. As movie law dictates they don’t get a blown fuse but the shapely Kelly LeBrock in small purple panties instead. I always just get an error message - bah! Despite their earlier bravado the lads are unable to take advantage of their willing cyber-babe, settling instead for a threesome in the shower with their pants on.

The digital babe, who is soon named ‘Lisa’, takes the lads out for a night on the town where they get annoyingly pished in stereotyped black bar. The boys are fitted out in fashionable gears and given fancy cars by Lisa but are still picked on by the bullies, including a fey looking Robert Downey Jnr. and Wyatt’s brother played by Bill Paxton in typically obnoxious form.

In a bid to court popularity they hold a party to impress the girls and the rest of the school, who are invited by Lisa. The house however gets wrecked by a bunch of biker mutants and by a nuclear missile conjured up when an attempt to replicate the experiment, that created Lisa, goes awry.

Can the house be fixed before the parents get back and can the lads find love out with the digital realm?




This is an awful film by John Hughes who also gave us the flawless ‘Pretty in Pink’ (unless you dislike Duckie Dale, which I do). It’s basically nerd wish fulfilment, with the pair of immature tossers getting the dream girl and all the stuff they ever wanted for the flick of a switch. Added to that they get the girls and show up the bullies and best the nasty brother. Pity the poor losers who try this for real and burn their house down and get raped in jail!

The two leads are not likable at all and the acting talent that Gary showed in the great ’Vacation’ has all but deserted him at this point. His wimpy pal is worse and his ’I love you scene’ at the end was cringeworthy. Paxton had a one dimensional role but still doesn’t convince as the bullying brother and as an actress LeBrock looks nice, but that’s it.

It may seem a bit harsh to give a kicking to a teenage romp with cut off tee-shirts and shower scenes but it really is chronic. When the lads ditch Kelly for the real life lovelies we are expected to admire their development from nerds to players, but instead it just doesn’t ring true. There are a couple of decent sequences but overall the film is morally ambiguous and more than a little misogynistic too. Not that these are necessarily bad things (!) but in the context of a teen film they’re plain wrong.

The nerd watching this at home between fits of tears would draw two conclusions - suck up to the bullies and forget your own beliefs to be accepted, and the girl that previously wouldn’t give you the time of day is worth having over Kelly because she now likes your Ferrari. Worthwhile advice there for all!

Surprisingly this tosh spawned a TV series that ran for two years and featured the even lovelier Vanessa Angel (Kingpin). I may have to investigate that too to see if the moral ambiguity has been maintained!


Best Bit : ’The Hills Have Eyes’ guy shows up

‘W’ Score : 11/23

No.84 : Welcome to Collinwood (2002)

Welcome to Collinwood at the IMDb

When Cosimo (Luis Guzman) gets pinched for a routine car theft he knows he has to get out of jail in a hurry. He has a ‘bellini’ which is well paying and sure fire criminal scheme and he‘s keen to move on it. To get out he enlists his girlfriend to find a ‘molinski’ which is basically a patsy who will own up to the crime for a cash pay off. Things go badly for Cosimo however when the molinski doesn’t convince the judge leaving Cosimo in jail and the suspended sentenced molinski free to take on the Bellini himself.

The robbery involves a jewellery shop safe, access to which is gained through a poorly built wall in the adjacent apartment. The molinski, boxer Pero (Sam Rockwell), enlists a motley crew of hard up would be criminals including William H Macy’s photographer dad and Michael Jeter’s wise old man who loses his trousers.

The scoping out of the job complicates matters when Rockwell falls for the apartment owners’ maid Eva Mendes, and her set of keys may save the day. Meanwhile the crew take lessons from George Clooney’s disabled safe cracker and pay off a cop who takes interest in their activities. With the job all set, two relationships may upset the plan as well as the small matter of some geography.



This film looks great on paper but it falls well short of the sum of its parts. The best element is the characters who are all likable despite being a bit grubby with loose morals. The chat between them is a bit grating however, with all this molinski and bellini stuff seeming a bit tacked on and unconvincing. A bit of street patois is fine but in my experience street folk call a spade a spade and fancy terms like these would soon be excised from normal conversation.



The set up is pretty poor as well. The caper is almost included as an afterthought and the big pay-off isn't worth the investment of your time. I did smile a couple of times but there were no big laughs and those funny bits were unnatural in the flow of the film, coming in a slapstick fashion that wasn't maintained elsewhere.

Macy and Rockwell give good value and largely hold the film together. Clooney is a bit of a fraudster himself as he only appears in two scenes and has about three minutes of screen time despite being the main character on the poster. In truth he’s way too good looking and clean to convince as a scummy criminal, as is Patricia Clarkston who wouldn't be seen dead begging for car thief Luis Guzman’s hand in marriage to save her life.

The film runs only for 80 minutes and it is a pleasant enough distraction. It is however lightweight and forgettable and a waste of a good opportunity.

Best Bit : Eva Mendes Hmmm nice.


‘W’ Rating 13/23

No.73 : Walk All Over Me (2007)

Walk All Over Me at the IMDb


Truck stop assistant Alberta is a bit ditzy and accident prone as well. When she loses her boyfriend’s cash and gets him beaten up she decides to make a run for it rather than face the consequences. She ends up in Vancouver and looks up her childhood baby sitter who seems to be doing well for herself. After explaining the house rules she lets Alberta stay, but the guest is somewhat surprised to see a naked man cleaning the floor.


Alberta’s friend, Celene, makes her living as a dominatrix and is so successful that men have to send audition videos to get on her list. Alberta quickly settles in and gets a job at the local supermarket. She is however still clumsy and her lack of confidence makes her a target of losers and weirdoes alike. Looking to cheer herself up she tries on some of Celene’s sexy costumes but manages to ruin a dapper Russian army outfit that cost $800.

Determined to pay her friend back she roots through the audition tapes and takes on her friend’s persona to make some money. Things don’t go well at first with her initial client who was a bit too keen on being a dog in public. She is persuaded to go home with him after being tempted by the piles of cash that he claims he’s won at poker but as you‘d guess there is more to him than meets the eye.

Unfortunately for all concerned the money belongs to some local gangsters and they are keen to recover their $500,000. Alberta manages to get away with $20,000 but the crooks soon come calling when they find Celene’s business card and are understandably disbelieving when she says she doesn’t know where the rest of the money is. The gangsters kidnap Celene and the doggy man and demand that Alberta recovers their cash in return for the hostages’ safety. Can she get the dough to save the day and will the naked cleaner be of some assistance?

I didn’t really like this film much. You get the idea that it’s meant to be daring and thrilling but for the most part it’s dull and predictable. The sight of men in bondage gear might have shocked 20 years ago but now it all seems a bit passé. For a sexy film there is no nudity, apart from a couple of saggy arses, but to be fair the lead actress Leelee Sobieski has a planet engulfing cleavage - which is nice.

She is a funny looking girl, a bit like a tubbier Helen Hunt, to be holding the film together and I didn’t really buy her change from down trodden woman to kick ass dominatrix. All the men as you’d expect are pathetic from the clients to the bad guys, the leader of which was shown to be a loser as he was wearing a wig.

I found towards the end that I didn’t really care who lived or died or who got the money despite investing 100 minutes of my life in the journey. The title is a kind of pun with the downtrodden woman turning the tables but as far as I can see the only thing crushed underfoot was any wit or originality in the script.

Best Bit : Some pretty decent costume work there

‘W’ rating 7/23