No.243 : World War Dead : The Rise of the Fallen (2015)

World War Dead : The Rise of the Fallen at the IMDb

Towards the end of this British ‘found footage’ horror one of the soon to be scoffed characters does an earnest piece to camera. “This is the craziest shit I’ve ever experienced” he says. Well, he’s half right - it certainly was shit!

Of course, with a title like this one you can’t expect much and it certainly delivers nothing at all, except for a series of predictable jerky encounters with some out of focus and anachronistic solder zombies.

Still I’m getting ahead of myself - let’s do the plot - that should cover a sentence! The film opens with some captions and stock footage about the Battle of the Somme - neat way to pad the already skinny 75 minute run time. We learn that a distinguished documentary film maker (who seemingly works out of a Transit van with a bunch of amateurs) has gone missing and what follows is cut from footage that was later found. So far so very predictable.

The characters have none to speak of and they all bitch about each other and argue pointlessly to either build up the tension or to disguise the fact that there is no script and that the zombie extras have only been paid for 20 minutes. The shoot is interrupted when mysterious figures appear in the background and a ‘French’ passer-by advises that it is ‘tres dangerous’ to be in the area.

There are plenty of false starts before the expert starts pulling on a chain that was next to a lake. This reveals a skeleton which belongs to a soldier from an African regiment who practiced bringing the dead back to life. He has a handy amulet in his stomach which the expert pockets, oblivious to its deadly powers! In no time flat the crew is besieged by resurrected soldiers from the Somme battlefield who strangely seem to be wearing World War 2 uniforms. They also have a taste for flesh which is unexplained apart from that’s what zombies do, I guess.

Some of the cast get chomped and another lot find an abandoned, but curiously well stocked, bunker and plot their salvation. Some handy 100 year old dynamite may help their fight and if they can rebury the skeleton (which wasn’t buried in the first place), maybe the dead will rest again. Can’t fault logic like that!

This was a shocker of a film and in no way is that a compliment. For starters I’ll bet the whole thing was filmed in England with one stuck on number plate and a dreadful ‘local’ the only nods to the actual location of the Somme battlefield. To be fair there is no way rubbish like this would get permission to film there, and if that’s the case you have to wonder about the inclusion of old footage of real and dead soldiers from the time. Regular readers will know PC isn’t my thing but real dead soldiers being used to set the scene for this tosh was plain disrespectful.

The acting was ghastly, as was the script which I don’t doubt was improvised throughout. The jerky cameras were vomit inducing and the added crackles and interference offered only annoyance, not authenticity. Very little was done in the was of explaining the zombies’ motivation or the fact that after 100 years the only decay they exhibited was that pasty face make up that students do at Halloween.

The only scares were of the usual ‘jump out’ variety allied to a screech on the soundtrack which wore thin the first time, never mind the fifth.

OK it’s hokey garbage with no pretense at great art or even competent movie making, but this was an embarrassment to all concerned not to mention an affront to common decency in general.

Best Bit - Head gets pulled off
‘W’ Rating 3/23

No.224 : What’s the Worst That Could Happen? (2001)

What’s the Worst That Could Happen? at the IMDb

 What’s the Worst That Could Happen? Well making a sequel to this piece of garbage springs to mind. If that comment seems somewhat predictable I can only say, in my defence, that the film started it.

The frankly never funny Martin Lawrence stars as Kevin, a career thief who scouts auctions for information and potential targets. He scores points off an appraiser by telling her that both her designer glasses and star lot are fakes before taking his wisdom to the auction itself. He spots a pretty girl and, on learning that she is selling a treasured painting to pay her bills steals it from the winning bidder. He then returns it to the lady before receiving some sexy payment in return.

At this early stage the moral compass of the film is set when he tells the lady in a post coital chat that he stole the painting and she thinks he’s a stand up guy for doing so. In a world where black people are often stereotyped as thieves and robbers this is dubious at best especially as every black character in the film has similar moral values ; but he makes wisecracks so that’s OK.

Time passes and Kevin and his acting talent free squeeze have moved in together. He has not done any stealing for a while much to the chagrin of his fence, the late Bernie Mac. His pal John Leguizamo tells him about an easy score at Danny DeVito’s house but this soon goes awry and DeVito takes from him his lucky ring that the new girlfriend gave him. The rest of the film takes up the pointless cat and mouse chase as Kevin and DeVito try to outsmart each other to get the ring and stay ahead of flamboyant police Detective William Finchner

This has to be the worst film I have seen in a long time. It is clearly made for morons with pratfalls and the most obvious gags you have ever seen. For example that ancient one where he says ‘There’s no way you are coming on this trip’ just before a cut to a scene where they are on that trip - yeah that’s there. You also get the slackest, most improbable plot allied with characters who have motivations that defy belief. If DeVito is this mega-businessman answering to Senate committees why is he squabbling with a house breaker? Don’t there guys have people to take care of that kind of thing?

Still to get bogged down in semantics does this film a service it doesn’t deserve. It is unfunny, poorly plotted, terribly scripted and downright offensive - why is it acceptable to dress up as Arabs and do funny voices? The tea towel on the head went out in the 1970’s!

The only mild amusement for me, apart from seeing name actors making a fool of themselves, was the funny sign language interpreter and that was stolen wholesale form ‘Airplane!’.

The end kind of summed up the whole enterprise for me when Lawrence appeared in an outsized afro wig and said ‘I’m a black male, not a blackmailer’. Yes, it was that terrible.

‘W’ Score 3/23
Best Bit : ‘The End’

No.200 : World of the Dead: The Zombie Diaries 2 (2011)

World of the Dead at the IMDb

 If you thought 2011’s ‘The Zombie Diaries’ was terrible you should see the sequel, or rather you shouldn’t.

In truth it’s not much of a sequel more of a similar premise that they’ve tacked on to the original to give it brand recognition. They’ve also shamefully used the ‘…of the Dead’ title format to suggest it may be an offspring of ‘Dawn’, ‘Day’ or ‘Land’. Of course it isn’t, a fact that is clear from the off with a terrible scene of a family holed up in their house that was taken lock and stock from ‘28 Weeks Later’. In this version a family are having a birthday party for their daughter. The man reminds the woman that they can’t go out due to the infection warning. Literally a minute later he hears something outside and he, soon followed by the wife, head out into the dark to have a look. The whole event is recorded on a shaky camcorder and ends abruptly as a predictable zombie appears.

We then cut to another camcorder - authentic = cheap! - as a solider says they found the tape of the birthday party massacre and are now making their own so ‘people know’. I doubt people are interested as a bunch of poorly drilled squaddies talk in clichés and try to look tough. Their base is secure but someone leaves the gate open and several zombies saunter in. Despite their fire power they soon give the order to ‘Fall Back’ which is heard relentlessly throughout the film. The soldiers take a civilian lady with them, who seems disturbed and a poor collection of hardware that looks like it was raided from a toy box.

The team start heading to the coast where they have heard that boats out of Britain are leaving for Holland. Britain has seemingly got the worst of the outbreak and they’ll be safe in Europe. I guess no one told them the title! As the crew continue their journey we jump to footage of men in haz-mat suits burning bodies and, tearfully, a child’s doll. We see these guys a lot and we are seemingly meant to wonder who they are. The big reveal that they are actually the only people they could be will surprise you not at all.

Our squad soon encounter another group of survivors, but these are nasty people who abuse the zombies - sometimes by dry humping them! They have a couple of encounters including a needlessly graphic one where a special needs man is egged on to rape and then murder a female soldier. I imagine the idea is to show that people are worse than zombies but it just seemed like a tacky way to get some blood and breasts on screen.

As our heroes head towards Hopes Point we all hope it ends soon, but there are two big surprises in store. Actually there are none - only that this tosh managed to secure a release.

To be fair the film didn’t promise much. There is not one familiar face on show and the whole thing is short in a field and a barn with a camcorder. OK it may be a film school project with delusions of grandeur but how can they justify dialogue like “It’s Quiet”, “Yeah, too quiet” and “Something doesn’t feel right”. They should have set it on a dark and stormy night and be done with it!

The zombies were of the slow moving ilk and for the most part looked like pale students dripping taco sauce from their mouths. The kills were the usual mix of screams and spaghetti being pulled from their trousers. There was no attempt at characterisation and the acting was dreadful. It looked like you’d get a starring role if you supplied your own ketchup.

Overall this was a squalid unlikable film with austerity budget visuals and a script that was as interesting and innovating as Dan Brown’s recycling bin. In the worst scene a leering fool, looking at a bound and topless woman, says “ I spy something beginning with ‘T’” - if you answered ‘Terrible film’ you’d get the prize!

Best Bit : Mmmm Low rent chase through field of zombies?  ‘W’ Score 3/23

No.169 : Werewolf : The Beast Among Us (2012)

Werewolf : The Beast Among Us on IMDb

Another ‘DVD Premiere’ bit of crap now as the ‘W Movie’ quest once again braves these films, so you don’t have to.

This effort is set in a steam punk version of 19th century eastern Europe. We open with a remote shack occupied by an excitable family. Pop locks all the doors and refuses to open even when a scantily clad lady appears. That’s how he rolls then. His caution is well founded as she turns into a crappy CGI werewolf and starts to work on his poorly pointed roof.

Dad gives his son a wolf amulet before the beast gets in and makes mincemeat of Mom and Pop. The boy offers the amulet up and the wolf stops dead - fatal mistake - as this is the only rural shack with a rope hung chandelier. The boy escapes as the wolf fries and we hope all will be well and over soon. Fat chance!

We flash forward and the boy, identified by the amulet, is a grown man with a swashbuckling dress sense and a posse of heavily armed compadres. They tour about the towns eliminating their wolf issues for a fee. His henchmen are a seemingly colourful bunch but are in fact anonymous ass-holes with gimmicks like flamethrowers and eye patches. Our hero’s main pal is a Hugh Jackman wannabe who thinks he is dashing with his waistcoat full of knives, but in reality is the biggest tit in the production; which is some going.

They arrive in a wolf plagued town and try to suss out who is doing all the killing of mainly hookers and tramps - did they think to investigate the local conservative party? After some laughable misfires, including one where an epileptic condemns a room of men to death when he has a fit, the most obvious suspect is identified.

Can our heroes stop the bloodshed or will the vested interests within the town threaten their plans? Can the CGI get any worse and will it match the dreadful dialogue and shocking acting? Rest easy dear reader, all these and less will arrive in buckets.

This film is so terrible you’d think they set out to do a ‘it’s so bad it’s funny’ production but it’s played straight and straight to video it went.

A werewolf film will always hang on its transformation scenes and these are the worst I’ve seen. At least when it’s a mask and gloves you can understand the budget limitations but here you have a cartoon wolf that isn’t even anatomically correct, prancing about as the locals feign terror. They had one decent set up when the suspect was strung up as the full moon appeared - great opportunity to profile some kick ass special effects you may think? No chance, he turns into a Day 1 of remedial CGI school reject blob and bounds off as the villagers stand back - no doubt in abject embarrassment.

The actors are dreadful from the hammy and charmless Hugh Jackman look-not-a-like to poor old Stephen Rea who really needs a harsh word with his agent. As the diabolical ‘Doc’ he is about as convincing as the wolf, although he is signalling ‘I’m doing for the cash’ throughout. We also get Nia Peebles last seen in ‘Blues Brothers 2000’, who for some reason is wearing a flamenco dress, even to the wolf hanging.

The plot, as it is, is predictable and dull and there are no surprises whatsoever - apart from me seeing it through to the end that is. As you’d probably have gathered I didn’t enjoy this at all and the ‘W Movie Blog’ hereby announces a moratorium on all straight to DVD efforts, especially those involving werewolves.

THE Tag Line - Lacks Bite - Along With Everything Else 3/23

No. 121 : Wacko (1982)

Wacko at the IMDb

I was always told that if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. With this in mind the review of ‘Wacko’ shouldn’t really get beyond the first sentence. Well review it we must and although I’ll try to remain my usual positive self it will be hard to be nice about this awful, awful film.

The set up is pretty good with the film being an ‘Airplane’ style take on slasher movies with a cast that includes familiar faces like George Kennedy, Joe Don Baker (out of some of the latter day ‘James Bond’ films’) and Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay. The plot concerns the ‘lawnmower killer’, a loon with a pumpkin mask who killed a bunch of kids at the ‘Pumpkin Prom’ using, you guessed it, a lawn mower.

Years later and the killer is still at large. Today’s crop of horny teens are getting ready for this year's prom but jaded detective Dick is still on the case. He claims he hasn’t slept for 13 years which is not something anyone watching this film could lay claim to! One of the murdered kid's sister who witnessed the attack is still traumatized and matters aren’t helped by her peeping Tom Dad (Kennedy) who is also a messy surgeon.

At the school a mad German scientist, doing his best Peter Sellers impression, is trying out drugs on the football team which have wolf man inducing side effects. With an escape from the mental hospital and sightings of the lawnmower Killer increasing we have to worry who, if anyone, from the cast will survive and who really is the pumpkin masked miscreant?

This film manages to score 2.3/10 on the IMDb and frankly it’s flattered by that. It is the least funny film I’ve seen in a long time and I’ve seen ‘Superhero Movie’. The main problem is the script which calls for all the characters to be wacky and eccentric. The joy of the ‘Airplane’ films is that they were played straight, with ridiculous lines and situations regarded as the norm. In this mess you get George Kennedy embarrassing himself as a letchy father come surgeon who’s only humour is derived from being a known actor making a tit of himself.

The plot doesn’t make any sense, but we could forgive that if they pepper the film with rapid fire gags and funny observations. Sadly we get none, with nods to the likes of ‘Halloween’ and ‘Poltergeist’ barely raising a smile. One sequence, for which a caption appeared suggesting the viewer go to the refreshment stand as it wasn’t important, summed up how forgettable and throwaway the whole enterprise was.

I was looking forward to an early appearance from the Dice Man but sadly his underwritten role involved him having a big cock that could tip tables if someone made a suggestive remark. For all its teen slasher pretensions there is little swearing, no nudity and precious little violence. When you marry this lack of ingredients to shoddy direction and a mirth free script you can understand why the film is largely forgotten. A real turd of a film and the worst investment of 90 minutes you can imagine. Not so bad it’s good, it's just dreadful.

Best Bit : Spray cream Bikini
‘W’ Rating : 3/23

No.66 : When A Stranger Calls (2006)

When a Stranger Calls at the IMDb

This 2006 film is a remake of the 1979 slasher horror of the same name. The story is a familiar one, and even if you haven’t seen the original I’m sure that you’re familiar with the urban legend that contains all the plot key points.

Young Jill is having a hard time of it. Her boyfriend has been snogging her best friend and her authoritarian dad has stopped her going to the school bon fire night for running up a huge mobile phone bill. She reluctantly takes a baby sitting job for a rich doctor and her dad drops her off at their palatial home.

After the usual routine of going through the closets and grazing at the refrigerator she settles down for the evening. Her peace is however soon interrupted by a deluge of calls from her friends, a prankster from school and a heavy breather. Understandably nervous she sets the alarm and does a quick sweep of the house armed with a poker.

Nothing shows up, but the calls become more frequent and personal. Soon it is apparent that she’s being watched and the police are of little help. Things soon escalate and the police eventually manage to trace the call - “he’s in the house”. You can’t call that a spoiler as it was the most predictable thing since day followed night. With half an hour to go Jill has to scoop up her young charges and stay one step ahead of the psycho, who may already have a few notches on his axe handle.


This is a desperate effort, with absolutely nothing to recommend it. There are no surprises, grisly killings or even scenes of teenagers having sex. I have no idea who it was aimed at because it ticked none of the teen horror boxes. There are only two deaths in the whole thing and both of them happen off camera, with our only becoming aware of them when Jill finds their totally unhacked bodies whilst fleeing.



It is also very annoying, with at least five ‘false frights’ where we get a jump but no; it’s the cat, it’s the sprinklers, it’s the wind, it’s the cat again. In the original ‘Friday the 13th’ series this tactic was employed effectively and sparingly. Here you get nothing but false starts. You also get about 40 phone calls for your money. Really, sometimes they are stacked on top of each other with dull call following dull call - it was like watching a surveillance tape of a call centre.

The lead does OK with her limited material, but she has no chance of rescuing a film so devoid of ideas that you’d have more fun watching a blank E180 for three hours.

When things eventually kick off all the clichés are in place, from shutting the door - ooh there he is, to the hit him once and run away - don’t smash his unconscious face in or anything.

Without doubt this is the worst film on the list to date, and if you have the chance to see it or go on a psycho plagued babysitting gig, choose the later, it will be the least painful of the two.

Best Bit : End credits could not have been more welcome.

‘W’ rating 3/23