No.242 : We Are What We Are (2013)

We Are What We Are (2013) at the IMDb

 Back in Blog 234 we had a look at the Mexican original of ‘We Are What We Are’ and, as threatened, we now turn to the 2013 American remake. There is a certain snobbery in movie reviewers to side with the subtitles but for my money the American version is far superior to its predecessor.

The action, as you’d expect, has been transplanted to America with our heroes now a reclusive farming family in the backwoods of a small town. The film opens much as the original but this time the person barfing blood is a woman rather than a man. Can't nail its 'not a total remake’ colours to the mast any plainer than that! The town is in the throes of a large storm and flood and the biblical flood metaphor prevails throughout as it uncovers secrets and possibly washes away sins - I’m not totally clued up due to spotty Sunday school attendance.

Anyway word soon gets back to the family that Mom isn’t making it home with the groceries and it’s up to dad, his two daughters and young son to keep the family traditions alive. In some ways it is a shame that this is a remake as you know they are cannibals from the start, but if you saw this film fresh it keeps their secret and dieting habits a mystery for much of the film.

While the family is coming to terms with their situation Mom is on the mortuary slab and some unsettling findings are coming to light. There is nothing as oblique as the first film’s finger in the stomach but the doctor finds evidence of a disease that is associated with eating human brains. The Doc also has his own crosses to bear as his own daughter is one of the many people from the area who have gone missing over time.

Back at the homestead Dad has to become provider despite his own worrying hand tremors. His two pretty daughters are a bit more practical and this comes in handy when Dad brings in some road kill for them to prepare. They are reluctant to get involved in the family traditions despite reading up in them in an old journal which dissolves into flashback for those of us interested in the history of people eating.

Meanwhile the flood has washed away some ground and exposed some bones that look both human and cooked. The Doctor enlists the help of the deputy after the sheriff brushes him off and soon the clues regarding the cannibals’ capers start to mount up. Will the long tradition end and will the phrase ‘having Dad over for dinner’ take a new meaning?

I enjoyed this film a lot more than its Mexican counterpart. It was more interesting with better developed characters and a real sense of unease and horror. They did away with the wacky elements and that made it a lot more scary - a gang of cannibals with a sense of purpose and entitlement is plenty to carry a film without distractions.

There was a pervading sense of decay with the Mom needlessly drowning in a ditch  a fitting opening to all of the nihilistic treats to follow. Some of the metaphor such as the flooding and the graveyard scene were a bit broad but overall it did well not to be sensational but creepy and unsettling instead.

I think it was a bit confusing to have the Doctor and the Dad look so similar as it was often double take time, but it was well acted right up to the last five minutes where it went a bit over the top. The violence was horrific but used sparingly and I think the horror from this film will remain through its general vibe rather than the spade whackings and neck bitings.

It was 20 minutes longer than its predecessor but the time was well used to created an affecting and disturbing piece of work which will put you off home made stew for the foreseeable future.

‘W’ Score 18/23
Best Bit : Stiff in the Cemetery

No.66 : When A Stranger Calls (2006)

When a Stranger Calls at the IMDb

This 2006 film is a remake of the 1979 slasher horror of the same name. The story is a familiar one, and even if you haven’t seen the original I’m sure that you’re familiar with the urban legend that contains all the plot key points.

Young Jill is having a hard time of it. Her boyfriend has been snogging her best friend and her authoritarian dad has stopped her going to the school bon fire night for running up a huge mobile phone bill. She reluctantly takes a baby sitting job for a rich doctor and her dad drops her off at their palatial home.

After the usual routine of going through the closets and grazing at the refrigerator she settles down for the evening. Her peace is however soon interrupted by a deluge of calls from her friends, a prankster from school and a heavy breather. Understandably nervous she sets the alarm and does a quick sweep of the house armed with a poker.

Nothing shows up, but the calls become more frequent and personal. Soon it is apparent that she’s being watched and the police are of little help. Things soon escalate and the police eventually manage to trace the call - “he’s in the house”. You can’t call that a spoiler as it was the most predictable thing since day followed night. With half an hour to go Jill has to scoop up her young charges and stay one step ahead of the psycho, who may already have a few notches on his axe handle.


This is a desperate effort, with absolutely nothing to recommend it. There are no surprises, grisly killings or even scenes of teenagers having sex. I have no idea who it was aimed at because it ticked none of the teen horror boxes. There are only two deaths in the whole thing and both of them happen off camera, with our only becoming aware of them when Jill finds their totally unhacked bodies whilst fleeing.



It is also very annoying, with at least five ‘false frights’ where we get a jump but no; it’s the cat, it’s the sprinklers, it’s the wind, it’s the cat again. In the original ‘Friday the 13th’ series this tactic was employed effectively and sparingly. Here you get nothing but false starts. You also get about 40 phone calls for your money. Really, sometimes they are stacked on top of each other with dull call following dull call - it was like watching a surveillance tape of a call centre.

The lead does OK with her limited material, but she has no chance of rescuing a film so devoid of ideas that you’d have more fun watching a blank E180 for three hours.

When things eventually kick off all the clichés are in place, from shutting the door - ooh there he is, to the hit him once and run away - don’t smash his unconscious face in or anything.

Without doubt this is the worst film on the list to date, and if you have the chance to see it or go on a psycho plagued babysitting gig, choose the later, it will be the least painful of the two.

Best Bit : End credits could not have been more welcome.

‘W’ rating 3/23