No.336 : Where’s the Love? (2014)

Where's the Love? at the IMDb

No, it’s nothing to do with the Black Eyed Peas’ song - they didn’t use the contraction in any event. This is a made for TV movie about relationships and yes, we have scraped the barrel so far in our ‘W’ movie quest that we are through the base and nearing the Earth’s core.

Our lovely leads are Sebastian and Ryan (a lady) who are a married couple who host a successful daytime talk show called ’Where’s the Love’ [ Ron Howard voice : That’s the name of the film!] that deals with failing marriages. They are both doctors and dispense wisdom and advice to their guests who have issues in their relationships. The big twist is however that our couple also have issues of their own! Can the physicians heal themselves?

The couple survived a rocky period in their marriage when Seb had an affair. The couples’ agent and producers keep pressurising them on take on new jobs and tours meaning they have to shore up their relationship’s crumbling façade whilst never fixing what is at the heart of their dilemmas.

Things come to a head when they are ambushed at a book launch with pictures of Seb out with the same model with whom he had the affair. Ryan ditches his ass and gets her long hair cut to show the changes she plans on making. Seb gets bumped from the show which is rebranded as a programme for divorcees with Ryan hosting solo.

Seb meanwhile gets a job on radio and releases his own book about men making bad choices. Whilst we wait for the inevitable reconciliation there is a side plot of the agent and producer who hate each other but are slowly building respect and maybe feeling a little more? When will all the principals have a big kiss and let this thing be over? Not quickly enough!

This was a horrible cheesy film about relationships that was intercut with captions cards offering wry homilies which were clearly designed for woman to nudge their long suffering spouses and say ‘That’s you that is’. You also have short clips of couples talking about their own relationship issues, just in case the central relationship issues spine of the film wasn’t enough for you.

In truth the film was basically marriage guidance dressed up as entertainment. I wasn’t entertained at all and the ending was so pat and unearned that you are left feeling that they must have run out of money and just jettisoned the previous 80 minutes of character development to just say ‘and they lived happily ever after’. Nothing of substance or value was learned, with the ‘secret’ of a good relationship being declared as 'honesty and communication'. And not boffing models, I’d imagine.

This isn’t a film directed at my demographic and I’m sure some will take the homilies to heart and decide to work at their relationship just as their partner is trying to leave via the bathroom window.

The production values were decent and the cast mostly likeable, but the material was thin and the message patronising. Seek your therapy elsewhere!

Best Bit : They were taken last week!  ‘W’ Rating 6/23

 

No.330 : Why Me? (1984)

 

Why Me? at the IMDb

True life medical drama now in this 1984 made for TV movie. They can’t all be blockbusters, although we wish they were! This was a decent offering with a few unintentional laughs and a genuinely inspiring story.

Glynnis O’Connor stars as military nurse Leola Mae Harmon. She is recently pregnant but still runs to keep her figure. She drive a sweet Mustang but on her way to work one day disaster strikes. Whilst driving on the most obvious closed set road you’ll ever see, a poorly acting drunk overtakes a school bus and hits Leola’s car. The budget is blown in this early scene as the car flies off the road and somersaults a few times, depositing the non seatbelt wearing Leola on her face.

The paramedics are aghast at her injuries and disfigurement and she looks likely to die until Dr Stallings takes over her case in A&E. Dr Stallings, played by ‘Rico Dredd’ Armand Assante, has short hair and takes no nonsense. He immediately starts to plan the reconstruction of Leola’s shattered face, despite protests from his bosses, and casually lets her know her unborn baby is lost.

Meanwhile Leola‘s husband is having trouble coming to terms with his wife‘s injuries. He brings her a box of chocolates not realising that she is on an all soup diet. It doesn‘t help that the make up she‘s been given makes her look like an extra from ‘Star Trek‘ but he can‘t make love to her despite her baby doll nightie and kind offer of turning the lights off.

He‘s soon off the scene and Rico and Leola set about rebuilding her face. There will she shouting and tears but can she be put back together and will the 40 odd operations mean that doctor and patient will form a bond that goes beyond the hospital?

This isn’t the kind of film I would normally watch but it was OK for the genre and I could see it being inspirational to those with disfigurements or with aspirations to marry a doctor.

They made the husband out to be a right dick but I thought he tried his best. Taking the wife to a restaurant with gawking extras and an all soup diet couldn’t have been fun.

Assante got most of the big speeches and screen time with Leola largely mumbling though her sewn up mouth. The make up was poor with some scenes looking like she stuck some plasticine on herself for a joke. She was a strong character though, quickly getting back to work and helping others in situations similar to hers. She was prone to big outbursts, the effect of which was somewhat muted due to the fact that she had a sock in her mouth. When the drunk driver got off with a suspended sentence she almost brought the house down with an impassioned mumble.

I could have done without the mental imagery that the big break through of ‘vaginal tissue’ gave me, but the closing credits with some feel good captions and photos of the now recovered, real life, Leola made the whole painful journey worthwhile.

Best Bit : “…and for pudding?”  “Soup”  ‘W’ Rating 16/23

No.184 : Wandering Eye (2011)

Wandering Eye at the IMDb

You’d think after our experience with ‘Web of Lies’ that we would be avoiding Canadian made for TV films but that’s quitting talk here at the 100+ ‘W’ Movies Quest. The premise of this film involves murders against a backdrop of cheating spouses using the titular web site. Don’t look however if you are after some titillation - this film is so tame that even the word ‘whore’ is obscured by a car horn!

Our heroine is Maren, an attractive redhead who is married to a trainee doctor. She doesn’t work and is upset that’s she’s not getting enough in the bedroom despite the poor sod working all hours to keep her in lattes. She confides in her douche bag friend who offers to deliver her the goods, so to speak. She doesn’t fancy this poor bloke, despite letting him pay for dinner, and instead seeks her sleazy thrills on the internet. We know this isn’t a good idea as a cheating couple seen earlier in the film were shot by an unknown assailant. Be careful Maren, you slut!

She logs onto the titular titilation site and soon meets up with a man in a hotel room. True to form she doesn’t put out and to cap his day off the bloke gets shot when Maren leaves. The cops aren’t too slow on the case and soon two detectives, who used to be married to each other, are teamed up on the case. They manage to link the deaths to the ‘Wandering Eye’ website and with the help of their bookish computer geek programmer they manage to establish how the bad guy is finding his targets.

Troubled by her conscience and possibly her lack of nooky, Maren goes to the cops and they set up a sting operation to capture the killer. Will it be one of the likely suspects such as the man fingering his gun or the troublesome ex-friend who wants paying for that expensive lunch? Surely it’s not going to be the least likely candidate possible, someone barely seen and with no discernible motive? Could be!

To be fair this was a bit better than ‘Web of Lies’ but it shared many of the same failings as that film. The plot was as linear and undemanding as possible and the three acts wouldn’t have been more obvious if sign posts had been erected. That said the lead character’s motivation was unclear as she never really looked at all horny or interested in the poor blokes whose time she chose to waste. I didn’t recognise any of the cast but I see that the lead, Amanda Righetti, has an ongoing role in ‘The Mentalist’ which I don’t watch. She was wooden throughout but was quite fetching in her black bra and panties.

The detection angle was minimal with too long spend setting up red herrings which made the big reveal seemed rushed and unearned. The production wasn’t exactly lavish with the action minimal and stars non existant. There were the usual slices of web-fu, with a couple of key strokes answering all the questions and some very tame sex scenes which wouldn’t worry you if the vicar appeared midway through your guilty viewing.

Basically this is a ‘does what it says on the tin’ TV movie with nothing invested in the script or indeed production, leaving a half baked and unsatisfactory product. That said you will see worse - we won’t ; TV movies about computers are joining made for DVD werewolf films on our banned list!

Best Bit - Dress Try Ons
'W' rating 10/23