No.311 : Wrath of the Crows (2013)

Wrath of the Crows at the IMDb

Pretty grim Italian horror now, in the shape of this blood splattered offering which suggests a bit of mystery but really has none at all.

A group of people find themselves in a prison cell block. Nasty guards in military uniforms berate them, and they don’t know whey they are there. You basically have two options - is it a ‘Saw’ type maniac torturing them or is this a Hell or Purgatory type place? It’s the second one!

We don’t know which it is at first, but slowly we run through the motley crew of prisoners to understand how they found themselves in their current predicament. The first chap finds a white ribbon on his cell bars. This suggests that his judgement is that he is to be pardoned. Of course there is a twist and his pardon isn’t until tomorrow, which means he can be tortured in the interim. This takes the shape of him having all his teeth pulled out with pliers which we see in graphic detail. We flash back to his crime which was biting his girlfriend’s face off; so the punishment is just!

We also get a lady baby killer and another female from a circus who threw an axe into her love rival’s head. The rival is here too, and that was the first hint that we were looking at a spiritual house of correction, rather than it simply being some sadistic pervert who was calling the shots.

You also get the worst actor in living memory giving out the dinners. This actor chose, to quote ‘Tropic Thunder’, to go “full retard” and he does it in the most unconvincing manner imaginable. His back-story was that he killed a woman and ate her eyes with a spoon - so he is now condemned to be in charge of the spoons as he gives out his plates of slop. Take that irony!

After an hour a mystic chap appears, having come from an ‘Obi Wan’ tribute event. He fills out the bits of the story we haven’t guessed by explaining that they are in the soul harvesting game and, along with another character who used to be a prisoner but is in fact in on the game, they clear house ready for the next intake. Don’t let it be you!

This was a horrible film that was just plain nasty. I don’t need to see eyeballs being scooped out, or numerous faces being smashed to a pulp. I know it’s a horror film but the brutality was off putting with every character being doused in raspberry sauce before they were dispatched in an un-inventive, but nasty manner.

From the first scene I guessed they were all in purgatory and I was right. The characters were wafer thin, with old staples like the troubled priest and misunderstood witch all getting an airing. The sets and make up were decent, and at least they slotted in some flashbacks to reduce the tedium of endless cell block scenes.

There were however no surprises and nothing to keep me interested, just a cavalcade of dull characters who were judged and killed with no sign of redemption in sight. I think the learning was to be good, lest this pair of avengers put you on the list. Being condemned to watch this rubbish through again would be more likely incentive for me to reform!

Best Bit - A Day at the Circus!  ‘W’ Rating 4/23

No.301 : Witches in the Woods (2019)

Witches in the Woods at the IMDb

If you are only in the market for a two word review, here you go : ‘Don’t Bother’.

This was a dreadful waste of time that has nothing to recommend it. It borrows heavily from many other films, but only the dull bits, nothing that would make you sit up and pay attention.

It starts out in promising, but predictable fashion with seven friends heading out for a wilderness weekend in rural Massachusetts. The opening is full of sweeping shots that scream ‘quick use the drone, it’s going back on Monday’. The film opened with a pretentious quote about the nature of beliefs so you can guess it’s going to a more in the head than on the screen type of film.

The gang’s plans are derailed when the police send them back due to a road closure. They stop at a remote gas station and one of the more vocal ladies in our entourage takes issue with a hunter who has killed a bear out of season and by using an illegal claw trap. The hunter blames mobile phones for upsetting the bear’s sleep cycles and he’s menacing enough to make you think that he may be the inevitable killer who will kill our crew one by one.

The group soon manage to get lost and the truck gets stuck in a snowdrift. The dynamic is breaking down too, with a couple revealed to be having affair behind another’s back. There is also a bitchy one and a weird one and tempers soon fray. Two go off to find help and two blokes start to fight. We get small suggestions that more is at play here with dead crows strung to trees in a ‘Blair Witch’ kind of way.

The girl who goes for help comes back traumatised and the bloke gets his foot stuck in one of those bear traps we saw earlier. Full blown paranoia starts to take over with accusations of possession and ‘did you shag my bird?’ soon flying around.

Who will survive and what is the force that is whittling our group down, one by one?

I thought this film had potential but it took 30 of the 90 minutes to get the truck stuck and the remaining hour was a dull dive into a world of screaming and accusations. I’d hoped the scary hunter would be the villain ‘Deliverance’ style but thought it was more likely going to be a coven of witches, given the title.

It turned out to be neither with nothing more than a potential witchy influence being the cause of all the deaths and mistrust. There is no pointy hats or cauldron here, just a pamphlet for a witch trail and some good old fashioned cabin fever which set in after 20 minutes.

There were a couple of bloody deaths but nothing memorable and the cast were so unlikeable that you didn’t care anyway.

I’ve seen enough of these lost in the woods type films to know that cheap does not have to be dull. This one was dull and a waste of a decent premise. Maybe the demons that dwell within us are more scary than a pointy hat and a green face but this was flagrant false advertising.

Stay out of the woods and keep this one out of your DVD player!


Best Bit :  Millennial argues with redneck  ‘W’ Rating 4/23

No. 120 : Wild Child (2008)

Wild Child at the IMDb

We recently had a look at the teen girl coming of age in merrie olde England comedy ‘What a Girl Wants’ and deemed it acceptable. ‘Wild Child’ uses the same formula but to a lesser effect, so much so that it leaves a sour taste rather than some soppy but heart-warming feel goodness, which let’s face it, we’re all after.

The titular child is Poppy played by Emma Roberts whose subsequent credits include canine boarding caper ‘Hotel for Dogs’. She is a spoiled Malibu princess who responds to her Dad’s new girlfriend moving in by giving away all of step mom’s clothes - thought Dad would be quite happy with that! This being the last of several straws he resolves to send her to the boarding school in England, where her late mother went, to straighten her out.

The predictable fish out of water scenario is then played out as she shows up with her sun glasses and fancier mobile phone. The fact that she’s materialistic is laid on with a trowel - remember that later cliché fans - she may have a choice to make! She immediately falls foul of the school bully and of her room mates after she earns them all a detention from Shirley Henderson’s shameful Scottish matron.

Desperate to get home Poppy decides the only way to get out of the school is to be expelled and various mild shenanigans follow. Just as her exploits are having the desired effect she falls for the Head’s sexy son and realises that her room mates are all nice and there is more to life than stuff. Fate takes a hand however when after failing to log out of her e-mail a bad person uses the account to send mischief. Things come to a head when a fire possibly caused by Poppy threatens the school and only her former friends can save her from the inquisition that follows.

In some ways this film is better than ‘What a Girl Wants’ in that the British aren’t made out to be backwards weirdoes and Prince Charles isn’t on hand. What is lacks however is any form of sympathy for the lead, who rather than ‘Wild’ appears to be whiney and annoying. The road to Damascus style conversion is awfully handled with the loaning of a jumper the catalyst for total character rebuilding.

The lead is dreadful and loses any school girl foxiness when she takes out the blonde hair dye and goes mousey brown. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the American character holds all others in awe but it is unusual that the Malibu princess is the best lacrosse player in the country and has the personality to ignite an ‘I’m Spartacus’ style uprising at the student council, which bizarrely has the power to decide fire raising claims.

It’s sad to note that this rubbish was the last film of Natasha Richardson who plays the firm but fair head in a role which has ‘where’s the pay cheque?’ written all over it. Elsewhere you also get a pikey looking Daisy Donovan as a sports teacher and a cringe worthy Nick Frost as a gay hairdresser.

An absolute shocker with nothing to recommend it.

Best Bit : Uh, let’s say the lacrosse final, but even that’s poorly staged and predictable.
‘W’ Rating : 4/23