No. 361 : Wake Up Dead Man (2025)

 

Wake Up Dead Man at the IMDb

 

This is the third film in the ‘Knives Out’ franchise, with the first reviewed in my Michael Shannon blog and the second’ Glass Onion’ not bothering the scorers. I have now watched them all, and although they qualify as decent entertainment, I doubt they could be seen as the event movies that Netflix seem to have them down as, or worth their $200m budget. In fairness that money is all on the screen, given Daniel Craig earned a reported $1m a minute for his less than one hour screen time.

Still, budgets aren’t all, and if you can get a fun murder mystery on screen who cares what it costs? Well, Netflix shareholders only, as my £6.99 subscription is the same whether I watch this or some 70’s sex farce from the UK.

Craig once again plays his flamboyant detective Benoit Blanc who, whilst presumably French, has a ridiculous and wavering accent and a dress code that Dick Emery would have issues with. Craig doesn’t appear for the first 30 minutes as the murder, with which the film is concerned, is played out. The narrative is that familiar style of someone writing a letter as we dissolve to the action. A young priest with a chequered past is sent to a new church to assist Josh Brolin who is as convincing as a priest as Kenneth Williams would have been as Dirty Harry. Brolin makes the younger cleric take his confession, which is mostly about him wanking a lot.

 

Brolin is assisted by church elder Glenn Close, and he has several parishioners to contend with including Andrew Scott, Thomas Hayden Church and Hawkeye off ‘The Avengers’. You can’t say the cast list isn’t stuffed, but it does seem like overkill to have so many familiar faces shoehorned in. You could argue it’s like a panto or old Agatha Christie film, but it does take you out of the action when Mila Kunis shows up as the cop and Jeffrey Wright as the Archbishop. I’m guessing there will be no prizes for the casting director here!

The victim is Brolin and the young priest is the prime suspect. For reasons unclear Blanc is in town and keen to solve the case with his customary and annoying arrogance. He asks the priest to write out everything he remembers and that takes us full circle to the letter writing opening.

There are a couple of decent twists and several unlikely ones. Various cast members get bumped off and a convoluted story about an $80m diamond is revealed – that’s so much money you could get nearly two Daniel Craig performances! Some of the twists are telegraphed like the impenetrable tomb which can be easily opened from the inside – remember that throwaway fact for later kids!

Overall, this was a decent offering, but it was probably my least favourite of the franchise. I think the re-treaded formula is wearing a bit thin, with the players and the murders laid out before the inevitable denouement where twist upon twist is unravelled before we learn the contrived truth.

 

The murder here seemed awfully unlikely and dependant on a lot of chance events falling into place. It plays out OK at the end, but in reality many of the moving parts would have derailed the intricate plan long before the murderer and fate of the diamond were decided – I managed to figure out both, and I’m a bit slow at this stuff!

The plot was thin for an over two hour run time, and I may have dozed off for five minutes in the middle – that was fine though, as everything is explained in minute detail at the end for the thick people and those who’d fallen into a turkey coma. These films are an ensemble piece, and it is always fun to see your favourite actors ham it up and play in the dress up box. That said, it is debateable whether this is worth a large chunk of your TV viewing allowance and if this was the end of the franchise, I doubt I’d notice or be upset.

W Rating 13/23 Best Bit : Confession Time

No. 354 : Who Is Erin Carter? (TV) (2023)

 

Who is Erin Carter at the IMDb

If you are going to give your TV series an interrogative title it would probably makes sense that you ensure that after enduring 7 episodes your audience is likely to give a shit; but I didn’t.

This by the numbers and cliché-ridden Netflix drama could be seen as a harmless pastime but the lazy writing and terrible acting made it feel like a complete waste of time.

The timeline of the series jumps around a bit but basically you have a woman living with her husband and child in Barcelona – but there are secrets! Things start to unravel when she stumbles upon a supermarket robbery and takes down one of the baddies who recognises her. We’re meant to be impressed by her fighting skills, but the bad guy goes down like he’s in the WWF and all our girl does is some high-level shoving. One robber escapes and Erin is worried her cover may be blown.

What cover you ask? Well, a long flashback shows her at police training college and quickly kicked out when she beats up an annoying fellow cadet. The predictable shady man from black ops invites her to join his division and within five minutes she’s infiltrated a gang and helping with a bullion robbery. You’d think someone with more that a week at training college would be a better option, but a quick training montage puts that concern to bed.

The robbery goes tits up with one woman bank robber seemingly getting killed leaving her annoying daughter at a loose end. Erin confirms her recruitment was a total arse up when she flees to Spain with the child and sets up a new life.

Unfortunately, the supermarket robbers, who wear the same animal masks as at the bullion robbery – they must have gotten a job lot, - know Erin was the rat in the crew and soon the mysterious ‘Mr Big’ is after her.

Fortunately, Erin has a gullible husband and a helper in the shape of Emilio, who is a cop and who is happy to get involved in Erin’s manipulative schemes. Elsewhere a local bitch is making Erin’s school teacher ambitions difficult, but fortunately local businessman Duggie Henshall is on hand to exert some influence. I don’t think Henshall ever got over being outsmarted by Supercrew in ‘Common as Muck’ as he’s absolutely dreadful here. He looks like someone reading lines in a language he doesn’t understand who’s also late for a dental appointment. It gets worse when you get the predictable big reveal!

The meagre plot is spread wafer thin over the 7 episodes with the annoying daughter’s visions and drawings of people in animal masks and her behavioural issues being a complete bore. You do get the lovely Susannah Fielding from ‘This Time’ – A-ha – but she is given precious little to do apart from being a busy body at Erin's school. 

The whole farrago is meant to be like a female Jason Bourne with our heroine displaying mad skills – in truth the fighting and action are very poor and lacks the visceral punch of those movies. There is one decent car crash, but you can tell the budget went on that as the flashback sequences in ‘England’ show a sun baked paradise where they forgot to put down road markings – a bit like Barcelona really!

Evan Amhad does OK in the lead with poor material, but she didn’t convince whatsoever as a pocket dynamo superspy with multiple layers and a complicated past. She is better than her husband Jordi however, who looks like he wandered onto set looking for a lost dog.

The whole production seems by the numbers with no doubt a Spanish language version shot at the same time. There are a lot of subtitled sequences and it looks like an international audience was the plan from the start. I’m sure this made fiscal sense for the bean counters at Netflix but the result is an unsatisfying offering that will doubtlessly play equally bad in all markets.

The finale was unsatisfying, not least because it suggests a sequel may be in the works. If you want a Lady Bourne straight from Wish.com this may be the offering that you seek, but otherwise I’d suggest the answer to the question posted by the title is ‘couldn’t care less’.

Best Bit: The police car chase was ridiculous but a good smash up at the end.

‘W’ Rating: 9/23

No.315 : White Bird in a Blizzard (2014)

White Bird in a Blizzard (2014) at the IMDb

No, it’s not a National Geographic production about our feather friends in Alaska, this is a period mystery coming of age film that has a lot to like. Shailene Woodley plays Kat, a young woman growing up in the 80’s. The time line jumps around from the present day looking back, to sections set in 1988 and later on in 1991.

The film is narrated by Kat who remembers her Mum going missing and how she and her father dealt with the situation. Her mother, played by Eva Green, simply disappeared one day and despite a two year police investigation, no trace of her was ever found.

Kat stays loyal to her Dad and offers insights into her parent’s loveless marriage which saw her Mum flirting with her teenage boyfriend and Dad taking solace in his large collection of jazz mags, which he keeps in a cupboard, secured with a special combination lock. Remember that for later!

Kat sees therapist Angela Bassett and their discussions give us clues to Mum’s fate. We also explore Kat’s dreams in which she sees her Mum in a Narnia style frozen world asking for help. Kat’s boyfriend is a bit thick using lines like ‘it’s a vicious circus’ sending Kat into the arms of Detective Thomas Jane who is investigating her Mum’s case. She also confides in her friends and, after returning home from college, she starts to try and learn the truth. Are some things best left undisturbed?

I enjoyed this mystery cum rites of passage film that saw Kat’s idealised version of events slowly be unwound. When she starts to have doubts she realises that all her friends had them too and indeed tried to convince her that her downtrodden Dad may know more than he was letting on.

The 80’s were well realised and I liked the soundtrack of 80’s British bands like Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys and Echo and the Bunnymen. Shailene was excellent in the lead and this was basically her film. I liked her sticking up for Dad but slowly realising that he might be a bit of a dick. The clues were rote large, with the outcome not too much of a surprise - but there were a couple of wrong foots, as the suspiciously padlocked freezer was slowly opened.

The supporting cast was great with poor old Tom Jane having to once again show his ‘Hung' swordsman credentials. Nice work if you can get it. It was also good to see Laura Palmer show up as Dad’s new squeeze, although we could have seen more of her than the couple of scenes she got.

I think the film lost it’s nerve towards the end - I was quite happy with the mystery being unsolved - that’s the way most disappearances end up. Instead they went into pretty graphic detail regarding the fate of Mum and the motivation behind it. You could argue the clues were there, but there again Dad was a fan of ‘Hustler’ not something with a more male leaning!

The film was a tight 90 minutes and I liked it’s jaded melancholy feel with the world going to shit and no one able or willing to do much about it. The last act could have been handled better but I liked the mystery and detection angles and when set against a backdrop of 80’s music and fashion you have a definite winner on your hands.

Best Bit : Tom Does Some Detective Work ‘W’ rating 18/23

No.311 : Wrath of the Crows (2013)

Wrath of the Crows at the IMDb

Pretty grim Italian horror now, in the shape of this blood splattered offering which suggests a bit of mystery but really has none at all.

A group of people find themselves in a prison cell block. Nasty guards in military uniforms berate them, and they don’t know whey they are there. You basically have two options - is it a ‘Saw’ type maniac torturing them or is this a Hell or Purgatory type place? It’s the second one!

We don’t know which it is at first, but slowly we run through the motley crew of prisoners to understand how they found themselves in their current predicament. The first chap finds a white ribbon on his cell bars. This suggests that his judgement is that he is to be pardoned. Of course there is a twist and his pardon isn’t until tomorrow, which means he can be tortured in the interim. This takes the shape of him having all his teeth pulled out with pliers which we see in graphic detail. We flash back to his crime which was biting his girlfriend’s face off; so the punishment is just!

We also get a lady baby killer and another female from a circus who threw an axe into her love rival’s head. The rival is here too, and that was the first hint that we were looking at a spiritual house of correction, rather than it simply being some sadistic pervert who was calling the shots.

You also get the worst actor in living memory giving out the dinners. This actor chose, to quote ‘Tropic Thunder’, to go “full retard” and he does it in the most unconvincing manner imaginable. His back-story was that he killed a woman and ate her eyes with a spoon - so he is now condemned to be in charge of the spoons as he gives out his plates of slop. Take that irony!

After an hour a mystic chap appears, having come from an ‘Obi Wan’ tribute event. He fills out the bits of the story we haven’t guessed by explaining that they are in the soul harvesting game and, along with another character who used to be a prisoner but is in fact in on the game, they clear house ready for the next intake. Don’t let it be you!

This was a horrible film that was just plain nasty. I don’t need to see eyeballs being scooped out, or numerous faces being smashed to a pulp. I know it’s a horror film but the brutality was off putting with every character being doused in raspberry sauce before they were dispatched in an un-inventive, but nasty manner.

From the first scene I guessed they were all in purgatory and I was right. The characters were wafer thin, with old staples like the troubled priest and misunderstood witch all getting an airing. The sets and make up were decent, and at least they slotted in some flashbacks to reduce the tedium of endless cell block scenes.

There were however no surprises and nothing to keep me interested, just a cavalcade of dull characters who were judged and killed with no sign of redemption in sight. I think the learning was to be good, lest this pair of avengers put you on the list. Being condemned to watch this rubbish through again would be more likely incentive for me to reform!

Best Bit - A Day at the Circus!  ‘W’ Rating 4/23

No.310 : Walk on Water (2004)

Walk On Water at the IMDb

Off to Israel now for this superior mystery drama.

The film starts with a small boy looking at the man sitting behind him on a ferry crossing. All seems normal until the man stabs the boy’s father with a syringe and leaves him for dead. We learn that the man is Eyal, a Mossad agent who looks a lot like Steve Carrell, and the dead man was a Hammas leader.

Eyal heads home but finds that his wife has killed herself, and although a bit upset, he doesn’t show it too much and resolves to get back to work. His bosses are less keen and, with Eyal refusing to see a therapist, they refuse to let him go on a sensitive mission. To keep him occupied, they give him a mission to befriend a German tourist and his sister who is working on a kibbutz. The Israelis have intelligence that a Nazi war criminal may still be kicking about and they hope that his grand kids can lead Eyal to his target and to 'Get him before God does'.

Things go well at first with visits to the Dead Sea and the Sea of Galilee. The German, Axel, tries to recreate Jesus’ miracle of walking on water but tells Eyal such a divine act needs to be earned. The sister, Pia, takes a shine to Eyal, and the three enjoy a night in Tel Aviv before Eyal leaves early when they go to a gay night club. Eyal isn’t too keen on gays or Germans - or Arabs for that matter. The relationship goes frosty when Eyal takes against Axel’s Arab boyfriend and about him being ripped off over the purchase of a Del Boy Jacket.

The three split up with no news of the aged Nazi but a last surveillance tape suggests he may attend Axel’s father’s 70th birthday party. Eyal heads to Berlin and has his preconceptions challenged as it is quite nice, as are the people, apart from the skinheads he beats up when they attack some drag queens. He manages to salvage some of his cover and secures an invite to the big party. Will the surprise guest show up and will Eyal work through his many issues?

This was an excellent film that I enjoyed throughout. It was a well worn path, with the world weary and prejudiced agent slowly seeing the other side of the coin, but it was so well done and with engaging characters it was impossible not to buy in.

It was clear that Eyal was on a path to redemption and the notion of all Germans being bad, which was drummed into him as a child, slowly evaporated as we got to know the free spirits of Axel and Pia. They were actually too nice - she’s picking fruit and he’s teaching asylum seekers to dance - they could have made one fart a lot so it wasn’t so clear cut!

The locations around Israel were excellent and beautifully shot. You’d want to go if it wasn’t for all the Mossad agents creeping about and the bombings that are reported throughout. The cast were all excellent with Lior Ashkenazi a standout as Michael Scott, sorry, the agent with baggage.

The birthday party was good fun and I liked the epilogue too - it wasn’t a big surprise but welcome all the same.

Overall an excellent and worthwhile film about tolerance, forgiveness and of course redemption. Well worth looking up.

Best Bit : Skinheads v Drag Queens ‘W’ rating 21/23

No.301 : Witches in the Woods (2019)

Witches in the Woods at the IMDb

If you are only in the market for a two word review, here you go : ‘Don’t Bother’.

This was a dreadful waste of time that has nothing to recommend it. It borrows heavily from many other films, but only the dull bits, nothing that would make you sit up and pay attention.

It starts out in promising, but predictable fashion with seven friends heading out for a wilderness weekend in rural Massachusetts. The opening is full of sweeping shots that scream ‘quick use the drone, it’s going back on Monday’. The film opened with a pretentious quote about the nature of beliefs so you can guess it’s going to a more in the head than on the screen type of film.

The gang’s plans are derailed when the police send them back due to a road closure. They stop at a remote gas station and one of the more vocal ladies in our entourage takes issue with a hunter who has killed a bear out of season and by using an illegal claw trap. The hunter blames mobile phones for upsetting the bear’s sleep cycles and he’s menacing enough to make you think that he may be the inevitable killer who will kill our crew one by one.

The group soon manage to get lost and the truck gets stuck in a snowdrift. The dynamic is breaking down too, with a couple revealed to be having affair behind another’s back. There is also a bitchy one and a weird one and tempers soon fray. Two go off to find help and two blokes start to fight. We get small suggestions that more is at play here with dead crows strung to trees in a ‘Blair Witch’ kind of way.

The girl who goes for help comes back traumatised and the bloke gets his foot stuck in one of those bear traps we saw earlier. Full blown paranoia starts to take over with accusations of possession and ‘did you shag my bird?’ soon flying around.

Who will survive and what is the force that is whittling our group down, one by one?

I thought this film had potential but it took 30 of the 90 minutes to get the truck stuck and the remaining hour was a dull dive into a world of screaming and accusations. I’d hoped the scary hunter would be the villain ‘Deliverance’ style but thought it was more likely going to be a coven of witches, given the title.

It turned out to be neither with nothing more than a potential witchy influence being the cause of all the deaths and mistrust. There is no pointy hats or cauldron here, just a pamphlet for a witch trail and some good old fashioned cabin fever which set in after 20 minutes.

There were a couple of bloody deaths but nothing memorable and the cast were so unlikeable that you didn’t care anyway.

I’ve seen enough of these lost in the woods type films to know that cheap does not have to be dull. This one was dull and a waste of a decent premise. Maybe the demons that dwell within us are more scary than a pointy hat and a green face but this was flagrant false advertising.

Stay out of the woods and keep this one out of your DVD player!


Best Bit :  Millennial argues with redneck  ‘W’ Rating 4/23

No.296 : Wounds (2019)

Wounds at the IMDb

I never seek out psychological horror movies as I like a bit more show than tell. A hoard of zombies running around whilst on fire is always more entertaining than someone suffering some inner torment. Still, Netflix offered this one up and rather than scroll through any more options, I thought I’d give it a go. It was actually quite good and certainly better than the 4/10 it had garnered on IMDb.

That’s not to say it’s not without its flaws, and if you asked me to nail down exactly went on, I’d be struggling. I’m sure that was the intent; have a discussion and a think about it - not everything in life arrives on a plate.

The always watchable Armie Hammer stars as a New Orleans barman who works in a rundown booze shop, complete with cockroaches and colourful customers. Naked patrons drink for free, but alas the only person taking up the offer is a massive lady who plays pool.

The bar goes from empty to manic in moments as a fight breaks out leaving one drunk local with a huge wound on his cheek. The rest of the customers clear out, including a table full of college kids. When clearing up Armie finds a phone and heads home to his partner, her out of ‘50 Shades’. He manages to crack the phone and immediately gets messages begging for help. He assumes it’s a prank but when he investigates further the next day, he finds photos of bloody murders.

He goes on his errands and looks in on the slashed customer who refuses treatment despite the wound looking infected. He also notices that he’s being tailed and when he checks the phone it turns into a big bug so he lobs it out of the window, where it’s retrieved by his stalkers. The police, understandably, can’t do much but 50 Shades is doing her own research. She gets transfixed by a big black hole on the internet (a familiar tale) and researches a book called ‘The Translation of Wounds’ that details creepy rites and portals.

The couple fall out after Armie tries it on with an old flame and accuses 50 Shades of having an affair. He tries to secure a bed at his wounded friend’s place whose cockroach problem is getting worse - but not to worry, the friend has a new phone and a present awaits!

I enjoyed the first hour of this film but it tapered off at the end as Armie started to be overtaken by his demons and the story unfolded. There was no identifiable bad guy with the college kids only being seen at the start. I get that they opened the portal and the evil within was looking for a new host, but against the grubby New Orleans background it all seemed a bit fantastical and unlikely.

The opening scenes in the bar were enjoyable with the build up to the melee well done, as each participant was introduced. Armie and his partner didn’t seem a good match and their constant bickering was a pain. I did like the feel of malaise that permeated throughout, with the odd cockroach soon growing to a full on infestation - and more.

The idea of college kids raising an evil spirit was as old as the hills but at least they changed the formula somewhat with a kind-hearted bar tender getting dragged in due to his good deed.

The end scene was disturbing and although what went on was open to interpretation, I don’t think Armie is going to make happy hour. Decent entertainment was had, but if this were a bit clearer and not so contrived I think this could have been a winner.

Best Bit : Bit of a Bug Problem ‘W’ Rating 16/23

No.288 : Wind River (2017)

Wind River at the IMDb

Hawkeye out of the Avengers and the non-twin Olsen sister star in this mystery thriller set in the Wind River native American reservation in Wyoming.

Hawkeye is out tracking a mountain lion as part of his role as a wildlife and fisheries officer. He stretches his range by showing he is good with a gun as well as a bow when he shoots a coyote in a scene a bit too real for my liking. Hope they at least ate the body afterwards. Instead of his quarry he finds the body of a young woman, six miles from anywhere, in her bare feet.

The local tribal police call in the FBI and get Olsen for their troubles. She was the nearest officer and has to be kitted out in some 80’s ski wear that once belonged to Hawkeye’s daughter before she can visit the murder scene. We learn that he married a native American woman and had a son and daughter, but the marriage fell apart when the daughter died in unsolved circumstances three years earlier,

What follows is a bit of ‘Witness’ style ‘fish out of water’ detective work as Olsen, with Haweye’s help, tries to solve the crime whilst avoiding putting her foot in a big cultural pat. They run down some junkies and, after shooting one, get a clue. Ultimately all the clues are tracks in the snow, so just keep looking down and you’ll do fine.

Issues with the death certificate mean that Olsen can’t call in all the Feds she’d like, so she has to make do with the tribal police and her own instincts. All trails point to the local oil drilling settlement and with a gruesome flashback and plenty of gun play the truth will out. Can we have some healing too please?

This was a superior offering that was well worth it’s high IMDb rating of 7.8. To be honest it had passed me by on release as it does look a bit bleak from the outset. It is ‘inspired by true events’ and the closing caption says loads of native American girls are raped and murdered but no totals are kept. You can see that the film was therefore motivated by an agenda, but it was a worthy one and it was wrapped in an exciting and thoughtful blanket of thrills.

The detection was OK, but when the body was found two options were given for the victim’s starting point and it turned out it was one of them. The oil drillers were a mental bunch and their behaviour did seem a bit ridiculous both in the flashback and in the showdown scenes. One says the snow and silence drove him mad but that didn’t explain their collective mentalness and a shootout that made the OK Corral look like water pistols at dawn.

Hawkeye was a familiar character as the broken man looking for redemption, but he gave good value. Olsen was a poor version of Jodie Foster as seen in ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ as the rookie FBI officer, but she was prepared to get down and dirty with no make up and a series of unflattering outfits and I was grateful to her for that.

The massive body count and brutal fights mean this isn’t one for the squeamish but it was fast paced and exciting and the locations were fantastic. It did seem unsatisfying that Hawkeye’s daughter’s death wasn’t explored in more detail but I guess a resolution to that may have seemed a bit too neat to be believable. Maybe for the sequel.

Best Bit : Wyoming Standoff  ‘W’ Rating  : 20/23

No.283 : Winter’s Bone (2010)

Winter's Bone at the IMDb

The title here refers to being tenacious, like a dog trying to get at a (frozen) bone in the ground. Our heroine, Ree, certainly displays tenaciousness and you will too, if you manage to sit through this grim but enjoyable offering.

Jennifer Lawrence plays the 17 year old Ree, who is the eldest of three siblings. Mum is a basket case and Dad hasn’t been seen for a while, as he is being pursued by the cops for cooking meth. Ree has to live off the land - mainly squirrels - and the kindness of neighbours as they are saving up to have a pot to piss in.

A bad day gets worse when the cops show up to advise that Dad is due in court in a week and if he doesn’t show the family will lose the house which he has put up as a bond. Ree sets out to find the errant parent and what follows is a big game of hide and seek as she asks round the neighbourhood for her dope fiend Dad.

Everyone is poor but offers a drink or a doobie, but also a warning to stay well away. The code of silence is strong and to talk to the cops would be a death sentence. Ree’s uncle Teardrop says he thinks his brother's dead and tries to put Ree off by taking her to the site of a meth house explosion saying that’s where he died. Ree isn’t convinced and knows that if Dad is dead, proof will be needed to satisfy the bail bondsman.

She heads off to the local kingpin of crime but gets a solid kicking from the womenfolk for her trouble, and is only saved by the intervention of Teardrop who promises to be responsible for her actions. Running out of options Ree looks to enlist in the army for the $40k incentive and to tries and place her siblings with her neighbours.

But wait! A chink of light is offered that may get her out of her predicament. Unfortunately it’s a grim and nasty chink of light but we’ll take what we can get. Will Ree manage to save the homestead and escape from her grim reality?

This was a horrid slice of life from modern day Missouri. The film is shot  vérité style with a dull palette and genuine backwater types filling out the cast. The grinding poverty was well realised with some dead squirrels the equivalent of the big shop.

Lawrence does well in the lead but is a bit pretty despite her unflattering wardrobe. Her Southern drawl is a somewhat distracting but she’s not shy in getting her hands dirty or of taking on some questionable tasks.

The air of menace in every character was good and you got the sense that life was cheap. Even the police with their old cruisers and their complicit actions weren’t immune from the general malaise on show, and I liked that the grimmest possible conclusion was eked out for the ‘where’s Dad’ mystery reveal.

The ending does offer a smidgen of hope for the future, but you get the sense that that will soon be overtaken with some new desperate situation. Not an uplifting tale but an interesting and engaging one.

Best Bit : ‘Pass the chainsaw’ 19/23

No.269 : Wheelman (2017)

Wheelman at the IMDb

Following our last offering of ‘Win it All’ this is the second in our double bill of cheap Netflix films starring and produced by actors you’ve never heard of. Can’t say we’re not niche here at The ‘W’ Movie blog!

The double threat here is Frank Grillo who looks like a slightly less McDreamy Patrick Dempsey. At least he’s better for you than Frank Friedo. This film focuses almost entirely on the single character of ‘Wheelman’ and you’d better take to him fast as you’ve got 80 minutes in his passenger seat coming your way! I found him annoying and shouty with too many swears and not enough empathy, so it was a tough ride for me!

We open with a dull five minute scene as Wheelman gets his hot car for a job. The camera stays in the car as Wheelman gets out and talks money and then goes for a spin. It feels like the film is struggling to get out of first gear? Nervous anticipation or just a bit of dull padding - you decide.

Wheelman soon picks up his two passengers one of whom was Nucky’s brother in ‘Boardwalk Empire’. He’s not much for the chat which is fair enough when you’re off to visit a bank full of customers in the middle of the night with your sawn off deposit slip.

Wheelman hasn’t heard of CCTV or the tracing of mobile phones so he rolls up outside the bank without a mask and takes calls whilst the robbers do their thing. He gets a mysterious call from ‘Out of Area’ who tells him he’s going to be shot after the job. He’s a trusting soul and takes off with the money in the boot leaving the robbers behind.

What follows is a long round of calls as Wheelman talks to Clay- his fixer, his annoying daughter, his annoying wife and the ever present Out of area. There are too many double crosses to go into but eventually Wheelman has the chance to swap the money for his ex-wife and freedom from his debt to the gang bosses he works for. While he wheelspin into the sunset a freeman or will he regret freeing the ex-wife?

This was a pretty dull affair that had lost my interest after an hour. It mined a familiar seam of getaway driver movies but was nowhere near as good as ‘The Driver’ or even ‘Baby Driver’. My main issue was I didn’t care about Wheelman or his motivations. He’s clearly underworld scum so who cares if he gets double crossed? It was hard to track who could be trusted and although that’s the intention it just comes across as a bit of a mess with no cohesive narrative.

The film reminded me a lot of ‘Locke’ with endless phone calls queuing up to keep our man occupied. His catchphrase ‘Shut the fuck up’ was spouted endlessly and I was hoping that Wheelman would take his own advice.

Some of the gun play was decent and there was a good motorbike crash, but apart from that it was just a ‘who’s screwing who?’ set up with the viewer having no investment in the outcome.
Towards the end the daughter showed up and it was interesting that we took her perspective for a few minutes whilst Wheelman went off to do the drop. I say ‘interesting’ but the handover was being built up for ages and then it happened largely off screen.

It seems like Netflix have a bag of money for any aspiring actor/producer with a cheap, contemporary set feature in mind. This may be worthy but I think I’ll be looking for something with a bit more substance going forward. That and frat house sex comedies.

Best Bit : Ooow that’s gotta hurt! ’W’ Rating 12/23

No.186 : Wish You Were Here (2012)

Wish You Were Here at IMDb

Not to be confused with the 1987 Emily Lloyd film (see No.117)  this ‘Wish You Were Here’ is a 2012 mystery drama with a non-linear narrative and a lot to like. The lack of a question mark in the title makes it sound more of a plaintive plea than an invitation, and as the film develops you can see that was totally the intent.

We open with a high energy holiday being enjoyed by four friends in Cambodia. There is a rocking soundtrack as they party on the beach and eat insects without a care in the world, but the cares are in the post, don’t you worry. As the credits sequence ends the bright lights and rave music are replaced with a haunted man walking through a sodden field as the sun comes up. Something has happened and what follows is the story of the night before. A bit like ‘The Hangover’ with less slapstick.

The four friends are Dave, a kind of tubby Russell Crowe who looks constantly drunk, his wife Alice and her sister Steph and Steph’s new boyfriend, Jeremy. The four head off on the bender as Alice is six months pregnant and it’s their last chance to party before their brood expands to three. We quickly learn that only three of the friends returned home, with Jeremy’s ticket going unused.

At first it looks like a straight forward missing person case but as we learn more about the past through flashbacks we know that secrets and lies abound. The family is wrenched apart when Dave admits to having sex with Steph and the police’s interest in Jeremy’s business interests mean his fate is looking bad. As the customs dog sniffs its way through the warehouse will his disappearance be down to a business deal gone bad or to something a bit closer to home?

Meanwhile Dave has spotted a sinister car tracking his movements and his wife is taking on an unhealthy taste for wine as her baby's arrival dawns. Let’s hope she remembers to buckle up!

I really enjoyed this Aussie slice of life as heavy drinking and infidelity spell all manor of trouble for our hapless bunch. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not a laugh to be had, but their headlong lunges towards oblivion leave you with your fingers over your eyes in places.

The narrative is all over the shop as we are slowly drip fed snippets of information in flashback which serve to dismiss our theories as soon as they develop. The outcome in a Glittering bar wasn’t expected but it put all the pieces neatly and satisfyingly in place.

The cast were uniformly good but for the most part it was a two man show with Dave and Alice shining as their marriage crumbled as the secrets of the holiday were exposed. The editing was excellent and there was never any confusion over where we were in the story with the Cambodia scenes that bit brighter and, helpfully, always containing Cambodian characters.

The police detection angle and the scene with the missing Jeremy’s parents were mostly padding but the sense of doom was well handled as Dave’s infidelity was as big a blow as the other stuff that threatened to engulf them all. I’m being deliberately vague as the unfolding story is really worth your investment. All in all this was an excellent and unsettling 90 minutes and well worth your time.

Best Bit “Tonight’s Special Offer Is…
‘W’ Score 19/23

No.162 : Whiteout (2009)

Whiteout at the IMDb

It’s kind of hard to motivate yourself to watch a film like ‘Whiteout’ in the midst of the coldest winter in memory but alas ‘Couples Retreat’ doesn’t start with a ‘W’.

The film had the dreaded ‘DVD Premiere’ tag which seems strange as it’s a perfectly decent thriller with high production values. Maybe it couldn’t find a spot at the multi plexes due to the dominance of ‘St Trinians 2 : The legend of Fritton’s Gold’.

The film opens in 1957 with a Russian plane struggling through a winter’s storm to an unknown destination. The pilot and co-pilot chat in subtitles and it’s clear that a plan is afoot. The co-pilot goes into the cargo hold and plies his passengers with vodka before trying to shoot them all. The plan is pretty poor, as is that of the passengers who start machine gunning everything including the pilot. Luckily the plane manages to land itself leaving the secret cargo intact and stuck in the ice of the South Pole.

As you’d expect things soon melt into the present day where we meet US marshal Carrie (Kate Beckinsale) who suffers from sepia flashback fever. She does her best to warm things up by stripping off for a shower but that’s pretty much your lot as it’s all mittens and no muff from here on in.

The base is closing down for the winter with the bad weather set to descend in 72 hours. It’s poor timing therefore that lets the pilot with the best eyesight in history spot a body on a remote glacier. Our able copper is soon on her way helped by Tom Skerritt’s crusty doctor and a mysterious man from the UN who is keen to avoid Antarctica’s first murder getting out of hand.

After some implausible deductions our heroine is soon checking out a remote Russian base only to be attacked by a nutter with an ice axe. She manages to get away with the loss of only a few digits and soon she’s found the source of all the trouble - it’s that downed Ruskie plane - knew it was there for a reason.

With the bodies stacking up and the weather closing in can Kate solve the mystery of the Black Tragic Box?

This is a perfectly decent thriller that looks good and has some exciting set pieces. That said I fear it’s memory will be lost like snow off a dyke. It is well made and well acted it’s just nothing that special or different.

The settings are great and the weather is always a threat. When Kate is having an ice axe fight in the snow you wouldn’t guess that it’s the door handle that will score the most points. The sense of isolation is also well worked as is the lack of help when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

Kate Beckinsale does quite will with a thinly drawn character who is transparent from the off. She’s obviously on this remote detail due to some incident in the past and we get frequent flashback clues to the deadly event. The problem is that you’ll guess the whole story from the first flashback so when you finally get the big reveal towards the end it’s a total anti climax.

The mystery element is OK although the various schemes to secure the illicit cargo seem unnecessarily complicated - old Tom Skerritt could of achieved the same aim with a well zipped up soap bag! The big fight in the blizzard towards the end was poorly executed however as you has three people in parkas and goggles scrapping in a snow storm - as you’d guess it was kinda hard to make out what was happening!

All in all ‘Whiteout’ was a decent thriller and had enough going on in it’s 100 minutes to keep me interested. Just a pity that the thrills and chills were so widely spaced that they may be digging for 50 years to unearth it once it’s done the rounds.


Best Bit : Kate Gets Fingered
‘W’ Rating : 14/23