No.328 : Wedding at Graceland (2019)

 

Wedding at Graceland at the IMDb

I thought I’d up the ante and look for a bit more sex and violence to spice up the blog. Where else to look than the Hallmark Channel and a sugary sweet collaboration with the Presley estate? To be fair there is none of that sex and violence stuff, but there was a quizzical look at one point when it was discovered that two wedding cakes had been ordered.

The film sets its stall out early on with lots of touristy shots of Memphis played over Elvis crooning ‘Don’t Be Cruel’. We see a statue of the great man and it’s clear that filming rights for Graceland come with strings attached. Still there’s nothing in the way of subterfuge or sly product placement here - basically it’s 90 minutes of ‘Why don’t you have your wedding in the Graceland chapel?’ with added minor peril.

The film stars Kellie Pickler who seemingly came 6th in a series of ‘American Idol’. She has a daughter (no mention of the father) and a boyfriend, Clay, who used to be her teen sweetheart. The pair used sing together but Kellie was shepherded away from that life to get a business degree by her overbearing father and now works in a bank. She is now back with Clay following a reunion in the film ‘Christmas at Graceland’ which I don’t intend looking up.

Clay takes Kellie and her daughter to Graceland to ‘drop off some documents’ but wouldn’t you just guess it, he’s there to propose! They seem to have an open door policy at Graceland as all their friends are hiding nearby to offer their congratulations. Also in attendance is Graceland’s wedding planner who tells them that the chapel is booked up for a year - but wait! They have a cancellation in 3 weeks - can our happy couple set up their wedding in time?

What follows is an hour of minor setbacks as the families jet in and don’t immediately get on. Kellie’s father ‘The Major’ doesn’t take to Clay and acts like a Major asshole. Both Moms want to take charge and once a wedding planner is engaged things start to spiral out of control. Can the happy couple make it up the aisle and will the day end up just perfect, with everyone happy? Yes.

This was a well made, sugar laced, travelogue for Memphis and for the excellent facilities available at the Graceland mansion - don’t forget the Graceland Chapel and Graceland Guest House either! It was good to see inside the mansion and even Pricilla showed up for one awkward scene where she gives her blessing to the union whilst looking like The Joker.

I didn’t recognise anyone on show apart from Rob Moran whom you’ll know from most of the Farrelly Brothers films. There was a big star guest at the end whom Clay snagged using his music industry connections - I was hoping for Michael Bolton but it turned out to be Lee Brice - me neither.

Obviously I’m not the target audience here, but it was decent fun with the mild peril of the vicar getting flu set against a nice sunny backdrop, with added Southern homilies. It was strange that money was never mentioned as an issue with the extra harpists and doves being dismissed as too much hassle rather than ’how much is this going to cost?’ It was however a fantasy piece and you could see the film doing well with the pissed up hen party crowd - 'that bitch mother in law knows that frosting isn’t right' - that kind of thing.

Best Bit : I used to be a Chaplin in the army…  ‘W’ rating 14/23

No.216 : Wolf Creek 2 (2013)

Wolf Creek 2 at the IMDb

One of our many readers was lucky enough to find a golden ticket wedged within a generous slice of Rowantree Café carrot cake and earned the privilege of nominating the next film to be reviewed. Being the sick type that she is, she requested ‘Wolf Creek’ which is sadly not allowed due to our ‘only see new films for the purpose of reviews’ rule. I was going to make an exception but then the lawyers got involved and I have plenty of lawsuits already, thanks very much. Happily Netflix offered up a compromise in the form of ‘Wolf Creek 2’ which I’m sure is just as good as the original which I’ve totally forgotten apart from the bit where someone loses some fingers.

I did look up the original and the same bad guy is in both so I think it will be more of the same - he’s hardly likely to don a dress and sing ABBA songs is he?

We open in the outback as two cops operate a speed trap whilst stuffing their faces. A truck goes by under the speed limit but the cops decided to ticket him anyway - Huge mistake. After handing over the ticket and laughing about the redneck they pulled over, one of the cops loses three quarters of his head to what must be the best moving gun shot in history. I’m not complaining though, this was a cracker. You often hear people say ‘I’ll take your head off’ (well in Paisley anyway) but here it actually happened.

The evil redneck, Mick, quickly takes care of the other cop and we’re all ready for the titles, two bloody kills to the good already.

The film moves to two German backpackers, Rutger and Katarina, who are doing the sights, such as the titular crater from where the film gets its name. The two bunk down for the night but are soon awoken by Mick who chides them for lighting a fire in a National Park before offering them a lift to town. Rutger smells a rat and refuses but frankly he’s getting it regardless - no way are they keeping subtitles going for the whole film.

After a beating, Katarina wakes up under a tarpaulin and pops her head out to see Mick grab himself some German sausage - don’t ask. She wanders off into the bush and manages to make it to a road where she encounters a jeep driven by Englishman Paul. The pair are quickly pursed by Mick and before long it’s is mano a mano as Paul tries to outwit his pursuer and ultimately escape his dungeon of horrors.

This was a horrible film but it was well done and if you like this kind of thing you won’t be disappointed. What’s strange is that it is produced by Screen Australia and there are lots of expensive looking shots showing the beauty of the outback and its wildlife. You’d think this would be to encourage people to visit, but I doubt a single soul has seen this and thought ‘You know this true story about an unchecked serial killer roaming the outback has really encouraged me to visit that crater’.

For the most part this is a two hander and both main actors do well with the sadistic material. I liked John Jarrett as Mick but he sometimes got a bit near to a Paul Hogan type caricature of a drunken xenophobic Aussie. When he was mad he was scary, but he turned it on and off so that it was more unconvincing than unsettling. Ryan Corr was good as Paul given the role mostly consisted of screaming and reacting to terrible sights. I thought he was going to have more back story than it turned out but in truth he’s only there as a canvas for the bad guy to mess up.

There are only seven onscreen kills but the mood is relentless, with Mick being an unstoppable force with seemingly no end of weapons and vehicles to throw at his victims - literally in some cases.

The pace slows somewhat once Paul enters Chez Mick and there is a long scene where he tries to keep his obviously mental jailer onside by playing Australian trivia with him. The cost of a wrong answer is having a finger ground off with an angle grinder so make sure you mug up on Dame Edna if you are planning a visit to Oz.

Overall this is a squalid film with no redemption offered. I’m not sure that the ending could be considered a happy one but I was glad when it was over and felt somewhat grubbier for having sat through it. Do hope they make a third one though!

‘W’ Score 18/23
Best Bit - People are dying to get in Mick’s place

No.206 : Wild Geese II (1985)

Wild Geese 2 at the IMDb

Few would deny that ‘The Wild Geese’ is the best film ever, but what about its less well known sequel? Can it match the spectacle of Richard Burton puffing in his combat fatigues or Roger Moore looking cool while chewing on a cheroot?

The film follows the same set up as the original, with an evil conglomerate, this time a media one, trying to secure a mercenary for their outlandish mission. They ask Edward Fox, who is the brother of the now late Richard Burton from the first film but he tells them to bugger off. He does however put them in touch with Scott Glenn whom we’ve already witnessed wrestling with men in a public toilet. No, not like that.

They take him without a look at his credentials and advise he can have all the cash he wants if he can deliver them the 90 year old Rudolph Hess who is languishing in Spandau prison in Berlin. They think the old man will have loads of secrets to spill that they can use in their media empire and possibly influence current political figures. They don’t seem to worry that he’s been in jail for 40 years and that most of his tales will involve prison soup and the price of snout.

Glenn heads off to Berlin and is soon joined by Barbara Carrera who, along with her brother, is the representative of the shady American backers. After touring the sights of Berlin and engaging with some of the local troublemakers the plan begins to take shape. As you’d no doubt guess it involves wearing stolen uniforms and engineering a kidnap after a faked medical emergency. As they’ve already got him in the cast they call in the previously reluctant Fox who for unexplained reason now thinks the plan is a goer.

Alas the two hour run time demands some padding so we get Stratford John’s laughable Arab fix it man and Patrick Stewart’s career worst Russian general. The also employ that bloke off casualty and some other hired guns to form their motley crew which they then train up in an old garage for five minutes.

Eventually the plan gets underway and using the cover of drunken football fans the snatch is on. Will they get away and get paid? Will Hess or rather Laurence Olivier survive the whole shoot and will we be able to understand why all these people keep getting shot in the head?

Although it shares a producer and one character name with the original this film is nothing more than a brazen attempt to secure some reflected glory. They also steal some musical cues and the ‘telescope’ end credits but apart from that this is a bog standard thriller with nothing to recommended it.

The plot is basic at best and although they try to mix it up with a few double crosses it just seems too contrived and confusing for its own good. There is a lot of waffle about the British wanting Hess out so they can shift the Russians but there is also a local gang boss who does his own kidnappings and bad line in acting to keep things the wrong side of convoluted.

Scott Glenn has no charisma whatsoever and doesn’t convince as the rock hard leader of men. He manages to bed Carerra in the tamest of love scenes but he is so wooden he should be sprayed for Dutch Elm disease.  Fox is a bit better doing his usual ‘top ho’ English gent bit and he is a bit tasty with his rifle but in truth his whole character is an import from the far superior ‘The Day of the Jackal’. Carerra adds a touch of glamour but her acting is terrible especially when her brother gets his ticket stamped and she yells the place down, in an unconvincing matter.

The big action set piece was really botched with the Red Caps bumbling about and taking orders from Glenn’s obvious doppelganger. It was hard to work out what was happening and why the army hung around for five minutes to allow the switcheroo to take place - maybe the production was confused as to who was the real dead body - the stiff or poor old Larry Olivier who looked on his last legs.

The last scenes made a mockery of all that had gone before, with seismic character changes allowing a totally mystifying ending. All in all this was a shocker that rightfully remains in the shadow of its illustrious predecessor.

Best Bit : hmmm… ‘We’re drunk football supporters, hic!’
W Score 7/23

No. 122 : Waiting 2 : Still Waiting (2009)

Waiting 2 at the IMDb

I appreciate this choice may attract some criticism on the many ‘W’ movie forums as technically it’s one for our ‘S’ loving friends. I have seen the original ‘Waiting’ but can’t remember enough about it to write a review. I do remember it was unexceptional and rather than rewatch it I thought I’d have a look at the sequel instead. Think of it as a review of the ‘Waiting franchise’ if that makes you feel better. Strange choice of title though, as the films will be in different sections of your local Blockbuster and deny the opportunity of a ‘Waiting’ frenzy. Hardly likely I know, but it seems a poor marketing choice.

This film, like ‘Without a Paddle :Nature’s Calling’, is a straight to video sequel of a totally forgettable film. Here the second helping is more understandable as the whole thing is shot in a restaurant and therefore really cheap without looking cheap. It also means that you can get name actors for the poster while only having to pay then for an hour’s work. Well if Luis Guzman and David Koechner are your idea of ‘name’ actors.

The film takes place over one day in the life of ‘Shenanigans’ restaurant, the same one as in the original film. The diner has a new boss in the shape of Dennis, played by John Michael Higgins whom you’ll recognize if you’ve seen any of those Christopher Guest mockumentaries, who is still living with his Mom. He can’t find a girl and is under pressure from his boss Champ Kind who demands he makes $9000 in takings if he’s to get the district manager job.

Dennis is keen to succeed as he thinks it will help him score chicks and get him away from his disrespectful staff. Unfortunately for him a new ‘Hooters’ style restaurant has opened in the same mall and is taking all his business. Running alongside this plot we also follow a girl who has joined the titty joint but is unsure of her career path. Her plot line is pretty limp and serves only to allow lots of shots of hot chicks - fair enough with me.

Keen to get his promotion Dennis tells his staff the diner will close if they fail, spurring them onto unexpected levels of modest work. We follow various staff members through the day from the speech impediment suffering chef to the drunk front of house lady who has a great rack. As the day comes to a close a familiar face comes to visit and a rogue fly may decide the outcome of the day’s endeveaours.

Although by no means a classic I found myself enjoying this film which has a few decent laughs peppered throughout. My favourite sequence was a waiter, who’d been told off for swearing saying “I’d like to F her A and C on her T’s’ and when a woman stormed out offended added “What is she in the CIA or something?”. Not highbrow you understand but funny nonetheless.

I also like the scene where Dennis gets an instruction video on how to pull chicks. The advice given was shocking and useful in equal measure! There were also good digs at pensioners and several reasons why you should never send your food back.

The film certainly never gets lofty ambitions and you know it’s low rent when the big star turn is Justin Long reprising his role from the first film in a mirth free outing. There is enough to like in Waiting 2 (as it shall now be known!) to justify second helpings and I’m certainly happy to give it a tip. Tip it. Hmm pun needs work.

Best Bit : Pulling Chicks the easy way
‘W’ Rating 17/23

No. 107 : Without A Paddle : Nature’s Calling (2009)

Without a Paddle - Nature's Calling at the IMDb

It’s surprising how many crappy films earn a sequel but I was certainly taken aback that the lamentable original of this franchise managed to spawn a straight to video second helping. I saw the first ‘Paddle’ film on 19/01/2005 and immediately excised it from my memory. I remember it’s got Shaggy and Scott Evil in it and that the ending solved the DB Cooper mystery but apart from that I remember nothing.

I therefore went into ‘Nature’s Calling’ with a relatively open mind, or at least as open as it can be when it has the dreaded ‘DVD premiere’ tag affixed. Some brief research showed that none of the original stellar cast reprise their role and instead we get a cast of unknowns basically remaking the original.

The film opens in classic redemption film style with a flash back where we meet our two heroes at school when they are 14. Zach is the cool doofus type whereas Ben is the studious one who falls for a girl who soon gets expelled for campaigning for lab rats. After the titles we meet the pair in their twenties with Zach working at an old folks’ home and Ben as a corporate lawyer.

Hollywood then plays it’s unlikely hand with an elderly patient of Zach’s asking him to find her long lost grand daughter who also happens to be Ben’s unrequited love. The pair resolve to find the girl, a choice that especially suits Ben who has a pair of escaped criminals he failed to defend on his trail. As the guys ready to leave they are joined by Nigel, an annoying British step son of the dying pensioner who may have an agenda of his own.

The trio hire a raft in small town Oregon and there’s barely time for the clichéd locals to warn of the monster in the woods before they set off. As the trio set off downstream we are treated to endless ‘Deliverance’ style P.O.V. shots and no end of intrigue, I’ll be bound.

This is an awful film that deserves it’s ignominious release and poor ratings. It is clearly aimed at an adolescent market with endless planks in the balls gags allied with references to ‘wood’ and ‘shitake’ (thanks ‘Goldmember’). The quest for a teen certificate means that there is no nudity or swearing but plenty of CGI squirrel ball biting action.

The cast are uniformly dreadful with Ben the worst, a sort of Keanu Reeves without the charisma. I did have a soft spot for Nigel whom we were supposed to hate but seemed a decent guy amongst his twattish companions despite his tiring Kevin Kline impression.

The plot, as it was, was predictable throughout and every bit of skulduggery was telegraphed form several scenes earlier. There was an attempt at a wrong foot with respect to the love story but given that the characters were all interchangeable you’ll hardly notice. The big end revelation was only a surprise in retrospect as I thought that’s what the old woman meant in the first place.

The film is competently made and some of the raft scenes were well done. Darkest Oregon did look a bit like a nature garden in places however and the CGI squirrels and hummingbird were badly misjudged. I did like NFL legend Jerry Rice turning up as Al Gore’s mental and black brother but sadly his late breaking appearance failed to rescue the sinking raft.

Best Bit : Riding the rapids
'W' Rating 11/23