No.222 : Where the Heart Is (2000)

Where the Heart Is at the IMDb

This was an early starring role for the then 19 year old Natalie Portman and although she doesn’t quite pull off the full range demanded of the character she does a decent job with limited material - a bit like many of her dresses!

Natalie plays Novalee a trailer trash teenager who is pregnant to her loser boyfriend. ‘Trailer trash’ isn’t my generalisation - it’s rote large in the film from their trailer to their toothless relations and the mullets on display. Strangely Natalie has all her teeth, is well spoken (albeit in an unconvincing drawl) and lacks any visible tattoos - still it is Hollywood!

Natalie and her man, Willy Jay, set off on a road trip in his beat up car. He’s clearly buying it in instalments as it doesn’t have a floor. This minor structural defect causes Natalie to lose her shoes and sends the hapless couple to Wal-Mart where she gets some tasteful flip-flops. Things are going well until she gets her $5.55 change and we remember that she has a phobia of the digit ‘5’ - remember that for later folks as anytime number 5 is mentioned bad things happen. Actually, don’t bother remembering as it flashes up like a bingo number being called, with endless repetition.

Anyway the 5 phobia holds true and Natalie leaves the store to find her boyfriend gone and her left with her large baby bump and a few dollars. Short of inspiration and maybe because she saw ‘The Terminal’ she decides to live in the store using the stock for her camp out. The film tries to suggest she’s not robbing them blind as she writes down her purchases in a notebook but tell that to the judge - didn’t work for me and all those TVs!

In seconds of movie time the baby is born and she becomes an instant celebrity as ‘The Wall-Mart’ mum - must have been a slow news week. Her Mom shows up in the shape of Sally Field just long enough to rob her of her new found money and to come out with what must be the worst line ever uttered “They’re all pricks in California, they should call it Prickifornia’ - solid gold. It’s not all bad however as she meets nice nurse Ashley Judd and starts a friendship that will last the length of the film

Meanwhile we also follow the runaway boyfriend’s fortune as he tries to become a music star in the care of an underused Joan Cusack. Although we know the couple will cross paths down the line his plot strands seem pointless and distracting. Natalie is however doing better and learning photography from the ‘Franks and Beans’ guy out of ‘There’s Something About Mary’ and getting babysitting help from a chap called Forney who is just a friend and not a romantic interest. Really.

As Natalie stands strong against the pressures of life, with just endless homilies to keep her safe, we wonder who she’ll end up with and whether her daughter’s 5th birthday will live up to all that foreshadowing.

I didn’t mind this film but there wasn’t an awful lot to recommend it. It’s kind of a slice of life with a troubled girl makes good theme. It takes place over several years and Natalie never ages or gains weight - apart from the ‘pregnancy’ cushion being whipped out after 10 minutes. We’re meant to sympathise with her years of struggle but I never bought into that, mainly because of the jarring jumps in the narrative that sees things move at a rate that defies any emotional involvement.

The characters and situations are weak with the romantic trajectory of the two leads obvious from the off. They keep getting let down by those bad boys…wait what about those nice men who have been hanging about for so long?!

There are some decent bits and I especially like the trailer trash standard of the tornado emergency - do those doors in the ground leading to cellars ever work?

The dialogue was poor however and at times downright unbelievable - the mulleted wannabe rock star, who falls afoul of a train, came out with some lovely meaningful chat which rang so untrue it would have been better if he’d have spoken it in Klingon!

The film runs to near two hours and it outstayed its welcome long before the inevitable happy ending. Not so much ‘Where the Heart Is’ as ‘Where’s the Remote Control? There Must Be Something better On’.




Best Bit - Tornado  Alert - where's Grandma?!
'W' Score - 15/23

No.16 : What Would Jesus Buy? (2007)

What Would Jesus Buy? at the IMDb

‘What Would Jesus Buy?’ is a documentary ‘presented by‘, but not featuring, burger muncher Morgan Spurlock. It’s basically a 90 minute one sided argument about the commercialisation of Christmas. We follow the crusade of a deluded self publicist, Rev. Billy, who travels across America to berate people who have the audacity to spend their cash on Christmas presents. Obviously paedophile priests and serial killers are too soft a target for this coiffured crusader.



It starts off in OK fashion as statistic are bandied about showing how much crap people spend in lieu of spending time with each other. Obviously statistics can be found to suit any argument - 75% of people know that. We also learn that Christmas almost died out in post revolutionary America but was brought back due the commercial element - is that what Santa died for?

Things fall away fast when the arguments for a more family orientated Christmas give way to Wal-Mart and Disney bashing. The Rev shows his colours by buying an ugly jumper in a small shop rather than get it for half the money at the local mega-mart. Ideas like supply and demand and capitalism aren’t addressed at all, as these are clearly contrary to his blinkered vision of what the world should be. Another point missed, is where the cash to buy all the more expensive stuff will come from when all the major employers such as Wal-Mart are run out of business.

Clearly our the Rev is a man of principle but you have to wonder how he finances his tour bus, hair spray and cell phones if he avoids all the evils of commercialism. Well you can buy his DVD on Amazon and no doubt Wal-Mart so maybe that’s a clue. He does have a strong platform though as everyone knows religion has only ever been a tool for good and not lots of murders, sodomies and grand larcenies.

Some of the ideas in the film were interesting, and the shots of sweat shop workers making the West’s toys were sobering, but one man’s point was hammered home so relentlessly that any idea of a balanced argument was lost after ten minutes. Stating the bleeding obvious may be a decent career but don’t go dressing it up as entertainment unless you want a disappointed audience.

Best Bit : I like the ‘get that wacko’ expressions on our singers faces as another protester made his own thoughts known. Physician heal thy self!

‘W’ Score 10/23