No. 125 : West Side Story (1961)

West Side Story at the IMDb

Here’s possibly the most successful ‘W’ film of all, a winner of 10 Oscars including Best Picture as well as a healthy box office take. Doesn’t mean it’ll appeal to everyone though and I for one thought it was a dreadful way to spend two and a half hours. In truth I watched an hour and then skipped through to the end. When they drummed up for yet another round of ‘Tonight’ I decided that was enough for me.

The film tells the tale of Romeo and Juliet with the action transported to New York’s West Side. The white Jets and Puerto Rican Sharks fight an ongoing tough war that involves paint, rotten vegetables and lots of high kicking, ballet style. The film lasts an age despite it’s thin plot as every scene is dragged on forever with a full 10 minutes elapsing before anything of note is said.

The gangs seem to be forever destined to be at loggerheads after a get to know you dance hosted by Gomez Addams goes predictable wrong. There is hope however when a Jets boy falls for a Sharks girl, the oft sung about Maria. Obviously the brothers of the girl don’t like the romance and further dance heavy confrontations follow. As the film nears its weary climax we worry that it’ll take a tragedy to show the youths the error of their ways.

I’m not against musicals as such and regard films like ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’ and ‘The Blues Brothers’ as firm favourites. What these have that West Side Story lacks is a bit of edge and humour. What we have here is a bunch of dancers prancing around trying, and failing, to look tough. They burst into song at every moment with most of them sounding like random words from a script rather than a carefully crafted ditty. There are exceptions of course with ‘America’ and ‘I Feel Pretty’ at least memorable if hardly iPod material.

The cast certainly don’t convince with Natalie Wood the least believable Puerto Rican I could imagine. Her lover Tony , who has left the Jets, tries to shake off the legacy and re-educate his pals but alas his plans to meddle in the rumble signal the ending from a long way off.

Obviously I’m not the target audience and I’m sure John Barrowman and my Mum would love an afternoon in watching this, but I honestly fail to see the appeal. Men in tight pants jumping around and yelling a lot of rubbish is all well and good if you like that sort of thing but I don’t.

Best Bit : Na na na na na America
‘W’ Rating : 7/23

No. 124 : Waterloo (1970)

Waterloo at the IMDb

Here’s a real epic of a film that’s probably passed you by. I was surprised the film had never come up on my horizon given that it cost millions and had a top notch cast. I’m not alone however as the IMDb has less than 2,000 votes for a film that had a claim to be the most expensive ever made when it came out in 1970. We’ll get to the reasons for the film’s apparent anonymity later but first let’s do a quick plot summary.

Of course you’ve heard of The battle of Waterloo and quite possibly you’ve been through the battlefield if you’ve ever flown Ryanair to Brussels. I thought I had a good idea of what went on, but the film does a good job of illuminating a subject that may have been condensed down to ‘Wellington beat Napoleon’ in many people’s minds.

The film opens with Rod Steiger’s Napoleon in a hard place. His campaigns have ended in failure and his generals ask that he surrenders. We can hear his inner thoughts and eventually he agrees to sign the declaration and be exiled to Elba. Within a year however he escapes and returns to France with a thousand men and an ambition to reconquer Europe. Elsewhere the Duke of Wellington (Christopher Plummer) is enjoying the high life and entertaining Virginia McKellar.

Napoleon is met by a French army charged with returning him to Paris in a cage but they are quickly persuaded to join his quest by his shouty oration and shiny boots. As his army swells he becomes a threat to the British and Prussians and they resolve to beat his fledgling army before it becomes too great a threat. As the armies mass at Waterloo we get an insight into the tactics and inner thoughts of the battlefield commanders.

The last hour of the film deals almost exclusively with the battle and, although the result is a foregone conclusion if you ever picked up a history book, the closeness and viciousness of the confrontation immerse you in the battle and sways your loyalties throughout.

This film has some of the best battle scenes I‘ve seen with their scale and detail defying belief. Apparently the Russian military was roped in to provide the army as well as circus horse riders who earn their Roubles with some spectacular falls. The overhead shots show the marvellous scale of the battle with literally hundreds of horsemen attacking thousands of troops formed in battle squares. Even at a distance you can make out every smoking gun and falling rider and the number ‘that must have hurt’ moments are immeasurable.

What the film lacks however is a soul. As a battle re-enactment it is peerless but apart from that there isn’t too much happening. Wellington is pretty faceless with no reaction given when one General announces that his leg has been shot off. He is also close to Ian ‘The Saint’ Ogilvy but barely bats an eye when he gets blown up. The single female on show is hardly seen and for the most part this is a Boys’ Own adventure.

On the French side Rod Steiger does a good job with Napoleon, a part which must be hard to make your own. We don’t get much of a sense of his motivation and the charisma he’d have needed to lead thousands of men to their deaths is lacking. His tormented inner monologue gives us some sense of the man but for the most part you’re wondering how he got the job. For your money you also get a whale of an Orson Welles appearance but given he has two minutes of screen time I imagine his presence was more important on the poster than on the screen.

It is a good film and one I enjoyed but if the script had as much energy as the battle scenes this would be up there with the David Lean classics.

Best Bit : An hour of good honest bloodshed
‘W’ Rating 15/23

No. 123 : Water (1985)

Water at the IMDb

Michael Caine stars in this British farce, which sees a backwater dependency become a political football when high grade mineral water is discovered. The film opens in genial fashion with Caine’s island governor enjoying a spliff with the natives as he tends his dubious crops. The cosy atmosphere is interrupted however when a pair of local militants hijack the local radio station. They offer little in the way of menace however, if you discount Billy Connolly’s singing.

Elsewhere an American oil firm is using an abandoned drilling rig to shoot an commercial about how they tap recourses in out of the way places to avoid a dependency of middle eastern oil. As they shoot with Lorenzo St. Dubois out of ‘The Producers’ the platform bursts forth with gallons of mineral water which they quickly realise is worth more than motor oil. After a call to their boss, Herman Munster, they try to do a drilling rights deal with Caine.

Meanwhile in London the cost of maintaining the island leads the government to dispatch Reggie Perrin to evacuate the place as they need the labour elsewhere and could ill afford another Falklands lest the Cubans invade. Add to the party a bunch of mercenaries hired by the French to knock out a potential rival mineral water to their Perrier and a sexy environmentalist played by Miss Teschmacher out of ‘Superman’ and you can only guess at the contrivances and reversals to come.

This is a decent if unspectacular film penned by Dick Clements and Ian La Frenais and starring almost every bit part player you can think of. The farcical nature of the film demands lots of wrong foots and added layers of idiocy which at times can get a bit grating. Indeed, that lengthy plot summary misses out quite a lot and to cover everything you’d be better off just reprinting the script.

It did look like the cast had a right jolly time making the film on St Lucia and some of that does transfer onto the screen. Caine however is just going through the motions and looks daft when he joins the revolutionaries. Worse still is Brenda Vaccarro as his wife who does a terrible accent throughout despite looking rather fetching in his skimpies.

The satire wasn’t exactly of the ‘biting’ variety with obvious and lazy takes on British imperialism including Leonard Rossiter showing up in the Caribbean with an umbrella and Maureen Lipman doing the standard Maggie Thatcher impression. In the US the stereotypes were maintained with Fred Gwynne’s oil baron and Ruby Wax’s assistant particularly uninspired.

As the film reaches it’s climax the big guns are pulled out as producer George Harrison and his pals Ringo and Eric perform an unlikely concert at the United Nations but alas it’s not quite enough to save the film or possibly even the island. As the mercenaries set their charges we have to wonder if they, or the film’s box office takings, will prove the bigger bomb.

Given its high profile cast and tropical setting it’s a hard film to dislike but there aren’t enough jokes or winning performances to save the day and at best it’s closer to water than Champagne.

Best Bit : Reggie Gets Randy

‘W’ Rating 13/23

No. 122 : Waiting 2 : Still Waiting (2009)

Waiting 2 at the IMDb

I appreciate this choice may attract some criticism on the many ‘W’ movie forums as technically it’s one for our ‘S’ loving friends. I have seen the original ‘Waiting’ but can’t remember enough about it to write a review. I do remember it was unexceptional and rather than rewatch it I thought I’d have a look at the sequel instead. Think of it as a review of the ‘Waiting franchise’ if that makes you feel better. Strange choice of title though, as the films will be in different sections of your local Blockbuster and deny the opportunity of a ‘Waiting’ frenzy. Hardly likely I know, but it seems a poor marketing choice.

This film, like ‘Without a Paddle :Nature’s Calling’, is a straight to video sequel of a totally forgettable film. Here the second helping is more understandable as the whole thing is shot in a restaurant and therefore really cheap without looking cheap. It also means that you can get name actors for the poster while only having to pay then for an hour’s work. Well if Luis Guzman and David Koechner are your idea of ‘name’ actors.

The film takes place over one day in the life of ‘Shenanigans’ restaurant, the same one as in the original film. The diner has a new boss in the shape of Dennis, played by John Michael Higgins whom you’ll recognize if you’ve seen any of those Christopher Guest mockumentaries, who is still living with his Mom. He can’t find a girl and is under pressure from his boss Champ Kind who demands he makes $9000 in takings if he’s to get the district manager job.

Dennis is keen to succeed as he thinks it will help him score chicks and get him away from his disrespectful staff. Unfortunately for him a new ‘Hooters’ style restaurant has opened in the same mall and is taking all his business. Running alongside this plot we also follow a girl who has joined the titty joint but is unsure of her career path. Her plot line is pretty limp and serves only to allow lots of shots of hot chicks - fair enough with me.

Keen to get his promotion Dennis tells his staff the diner will close if they fail, spurring them onto unexpected levels of modest work. We follow various staff members through the day from the speech impediment suffering chef to the drunk front of house lady who has a great rack. As the day comes to a close a familiar face comes to visit and a rogue fly may decide the outcome of the day’s endeveaours.

Although by no means a classic I found myself enjoying this film which has a few decent laughs peppered throughout. My favourite sequence was a waiter, who’d been told off for swearing saying “I’d like to F her A and C on her T’s’ and when a woman stormed out offended added “What is she in the CIA or something?”. Not highbrow you understand but funny nonetheless.

I also like the scene where Dennis gets an instruction video on how to pull chicks. The advice given was shocking and useful in equal measure! There were also good digs at pensioners and several reasons why you should never send your food back.

The film certainly never gets lofty ambitions and you know it’s low rent when the big star turn is Justin Long reprising his role from the first film in a mirth free outing. There is enough to like in Waiting 2 (as it shall now be known!) to justify second helpings and I’m certainly happy to give it a tip. Tip it. Hmm pun needs work.

Best Bit : Pulling Chicks the easy way
‘W’ Rating 17/23

No. 121 : Wacko (1982)

Wacko at the IMDb

I was always told that if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. With this in mind the review of ‘Wacko’ shouldn’t really get beyond the first sentence. Well review it we must and although I’ll try to remain my usual positive self it will be hard to be nice about this awful, awful film.

The set up is pretty good with the film being an ‘Airplane’ style take on slasher movies with a cast that includes familiar faces like George Kennedy, Joe Don Baker (out of some of the latter day ‘James Bond’ films’) and Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay. The plot concerns the ‘lawnmower killer’, a loon with a pumpkin mask who killed a bunch of kids at the ‘Pumpkin Prom’ using, you guessed it, a lawn mower.

Years later and the killer is still at large. Today’s crop of horny teens are getting ready for this year's prom but jaded detective Dick is still on the case. He claims he hasn’t slept for 13 years which is not something anyone watching this film could lay claim to! One of the murdered kid's sister who witnessed the attack is still traumatized and matters aren’t helped by her peeping Tom Dad (Kennedy) who is also a messy surgeon.

At the school a mad German scientist, doing his best Peter Sellers impression, is trying out drugs on the football team which have wolf man inducing side effects. With an escape from the mental hospital and sightings of the lawnmower Killer increasing we have to worry who, if anyone, from the cast will survive and who really is the pumpkin masked miscreant?

This film manages to score 2.3/10 on the IMDb and frankly it’s flattered by that. It is the least funny film I’ve seen in a long time and I’ve seen ‘Superhero Movie’. The main problem is the script which calls for all the characters to be wacky and eccentric. The joy of the ‘Airplane’ films is that they were played straight, with ridiculous lines and situations regarded as the norm. In this mess you get George Kennedy embarrassing himself as a letchy father come surgeon who’s only humour is derived from being a known actor making a tit of himself.

The plot doesn’t make any sense, but we could forgive that if they pepper the film with rapid fire gags and funny observations. Sadly we get none, with nods to the likes of ‘Halloween’ and ‘Poltergeist’ barely raising a smile. One sequence, for which a caption appeared suggesting the viewer go to the refreshment stand as it wasn’t important, summed up how forgettable and throwaway the whole enterprise was.

I was looking forward to an early appearance from the Dice Man but sadly his underwritten role involved him having a big cock that could tip tables if someone made a suggestive remark. For all its teen slasher pretensions there is little swearing, no nudity and precious little violence. When you marry this lack of ingredients to shoddy direction and a mirth free script you can understand why the film is largely forgotten. A real turd of a film and the worst investment of 90 minutes you can imagine. Not so bad it’s good, it's just dreadful.

Best Bit : Spray cream Bikini
‘W’ Rating : 3/23

No. 120 : Wild Child (2008)

Wild Child at the IMDb

We recently had a look at the teen girl coming of age in merrie olde England comedy ‘What a Girl Wants’ and deemed it acceptable. ‘Wild Child’ uses the same formula but to a lesser effect, so much so that it leaves a sour taste rather than some soppy but heart-warming feel goodness, which let’s face it, we’re all after.

The titular child is Poppy played by Emma Roberts whose subsequent credits include canine boarding caper ‘Hotel for Dogs’. She is a spoiled Malibu princess who responds to her Dad’s new girlfriend moving in by giving away all of step mom’s clothes - thought Dad would be quite happy with that! This being the last of several straws he resolves to send her to the boarding school in England, where her late mother went, to straighten her out.

The predictable fish out of water scenario is then played out as she shows up with her sun glasses and fancier mobile phone. The fact that she’s materialistic is laid on with a trowel - remember that later cliché fans - she may have a choice to make! She immediately falls foul of the school bully and of her room mates after she earns them all a detention from Shirley Henderson’s shameful Scottish matron.

Desperate to get home Poppy decides the only way to get out of the school is to be expelled and various mild shenanigans follow. Just as her exploits are having the desired effect she falls for the Head’s sexy son and realises that her room mates are all nice and there is more to life than stuff. Fate takes a hand however when after failing to log out of her e-mail a bad person uses the account to send mischief. Things come to a head when a fire possibly caused by Poppy threatens the school and only her former friends can save her from the inquisition that follows.

In some ways this film is better than ‘What a Girl Wants’ in that the British aren’t made out to be backwards weirdoes and Prince Charles isn’t on hand. What is lacks however is any form of sympathy for the lead, who rather than ‘Wild’ appears to be whiney and annoying. The road to Damascus style conversion is awfully handled with the loaning of a jumper the catalyst for total character rebuilding.

The lead is dreadful and loses any school girl foxiness when she takes out the blonde hair dye and goes mousey brown. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the American character holds all others in awe but it is unusual that the Malibu princess is the best lacrosse player in the country and has the personality to ignite an ‘I’m Spartacus’ style uprising at the student council, which bizarrely has the power to decide fire raising claims.

It’s sad to note that this rubbish was the last film of Natasha Richardson who plays the firm but fair head in a role which has ‘where’s the pay cheque?’ written all over it. Elsewhere you also get a pikey looking Daisy Donovan as a sports teacher and a cringe worthy Nick Frost as a gay hairdresser.

An absolute shocker with nothing to recommend it.

Best Bit : Uh, let’s say the lacrosse final, but even that’s poorly staged and predictable.
‘W’ Rating : 4/23

No. 119 : What A Girl Wants (2003)

What a Girl Wants at the IMDb

Here’s another film where it’s tough to criticise effectively given that I’m not in the target demographic of screaming teens or dirty old men. I may be old but I shower once a week whether I need it or not.

The film is an adaptation of an 1958 play which itself seems to have ripped off ‘Cinderella’ somewhat. Teen sensation Amanda Bynes, whom I only know as the thick one out of ‘Hairspray’, stars as Daphne who lives in Chinatown for some unknown reason, with her hippy Mother. The pair work weddings as singer and waitress respectively and Daphne is always sad when the father/daughter dance takes place as she never knew her Dad.

We learn in flashback that her parents met on a hippy odyssey in Morocco and got married by some Bedouin tribesmen. Her Dad, played by Colin Firth in his usual awkward English style, is a lord and his stuffy family don’t take too kindly to his choice of bride and she is soon sent away by the scheming aide Jonathan Pryce. Both mistakenly thought the other wanted out and although she’s pregnant Mum goes along with the separation without telling of the impending birth. I think I’d have sought some one on one confirmation before heading off but I never could take a hint

Years later, with Daphne now a teenager, she decides to go and find her dad who has renounced his title and is now standing for public election. He still has Pryce on the staff and is engaged to the one who Hugh Grant dumped at the alter in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’. The pushy bride and her daughter are social climbers who’ll trample over anyone to get in the society pages. Meanwhile Daphne has arrived in the Hollywood version of London, complete with its red buses and people talking about ‘the dog and bone’. Credibility is stretched somewhat when someone comes out of the toilet saying ‘Loo’s free’ only to be asked ‘Who’s Lou?’.

She stays at a grubby hotel which is fortunately run by a young hunk who has jobs conveniently placed all over the movie from valet parker to coming out gala singer. This role is taken by Oliver James and he does a better job here than in recent ‘W’ outing ‘Without a Paddle : Nature’s Calling’. After meeting Dad, Daphne is invited to stay at his mansion and enjoy some of the social whirl, while also being ineffectively sabotaged by the evil step mother and her daughter.

After generally charming everyone and having her own party, which is attended by The Queen no less, Daphne decides the backstabbing, social climbing world isn’t for her. Her dad meanwhile learns of his aide’s treachery and the generally bitchiness of his fiancé. Will he stick with his rigid position to maintain his family’s standing and win the election or will he bugger off to America to be with his sassy daughter and never been touched since hippy girlfriend? Two guesses allowed!

I quite enjoyed this film despite its predicable coming of age and knowing what really is of value in life credentials. Bynes is likable in the lead but I could of done with less pratfalls and outfit changes - all of which are no doubt available on her own label. Her romance was unconvincing as was her decision to ‘play the game’ and get all stuffy for five minutes. Firth was so stiff he could of done with a coat of varnish but his man trapped in a position role was thinly written. We knew he was a cool dude when he ate Coco Pops - yeah radical!

The nasty aide and step mom were never fully ‘Boo Hiss’ bad and the saccharine laced old wise mother was a cliché too far. There were a few laughs however and the fast paced feel good nature of the film makes it hard to hate. I liked the Queen and Prince Charles showing up as well as plenty of ‘C’ list British talent filling out the minor roles. It also closed with a ‘what happened next’ section which I always enjoy.

By no means a classic but no swearing, nudity or violence and lots of tight tops adds up to a wholesome and somewhat rewarding guilty pleasure.

Best Bit : Prince Charles’ Royal Dress Show
‘W’ Rating 15/23