No.334 : Where’s the Money (2017)

Where's the Money at the IMDb

Hmmm, for a film centred about higher education it’s disappointing that the interrogative statement that is the title hasn’t been furnished with a question mark. Still we’ve went over this old chestnut before with the question mark being considered unlucky in Hollywood. It begs the question therefore; how bad would this film have been if the correct punctuation was used?

Actually, it’s not that bad - it’s horrible, unfunny and morally dubious but I did get a few chuckles from the characters who were all desperate not to cause offence and be seen as racist. 

The film opens with some narration and an overview of L.A. and specifically South Central. Our hero, Del, works in a gym that his father and uncle started to keep kids away from crime. Sadly they didn’t practice what they preached and ended up in jail for a $1m bank robbery. Del is a bit hopeless and is constantly nagged by his Mom to fix an overhead air conditioner that isn’t properly secured. This is possibly the first use of Chekov’s air conditioner in a mainstream movie, so remember it for later.

Del’s Dad gets in touch to say that his Uncle is due to get out and he’s worried that he’ll grab the hidden bank job loot before he can. He tasks Del with recovering the cash, but alas the derelict house in which the money was hidden is now a frat house for a bunch of white college kids.

Del tries to get to the basement where the money is hidden by posing as a fire marshal but is costume is rumbled and he has to start another plan. There’s no suggestion that he should maybe get a job and report the money to the authorities, so instead he poses as a pledge to join the fraternity. The frat lads know that they need a token non-white, so Del stacks the deck in his favour by leading a revolt of all the minorities that he fails to join in with.

Del now has to go through a variety of initiation rituals to gain entry to the fraternity and the money laden basement. Will he get the hard to please girl and will the money be found - and kept?

The best part of this film was it’s approach to racism and social hang ups in general. The white characters dressed in KKK suits for the initiation, pointing out that their frat actually predated the KKK and their hats are less pointy. This led to some fun scenes in the ghetto where every character had a gat and said ‘motherfucker’. I don’t know if they were mocking stereotypes by having loads of them, but I don’t think so.

The whites were constantly conferring over the correct language to use with Del gaining mileage by calling them out for their use of ‘slaves’ and ‘auctions’. The whites were all embarrassed and the blacks had a good laugh with their faux outrage. It was a bit one note however so it was good that they had a couple of gross out scenes to balance the political commentary - the man licking out a rat was lovely.

The big showdown at the end went as you’d guess and it seemed bizarre that they just shared out the cash with no worries about the prospect of life in a super-max prison if they were found out. There was some measure of redemption and bonding all round, but what about the poor insurance company who had the rightful claim to that cash? No wonder my Aviva shares are in the toilet!

Overall a decent fun take on contemporary attitudes to race where no one got offended and we all learned a bit about acceptance, tolerance and stealing money.

Best Bit : Stealing the Time Capsule -  14/23

 

No.333 : White Space (2018)

White Space at the IMDb

Problem : You want to make a sci-fi film but don’t have a plot. Solution? Just repurpose some old public domain classic and you’re good to go.

Strange as it may sound this film is ‘Moby Dick’ in space. But wouldn’t that need a big whale you may ask? Well this has one, a big space whale, like the type that definitely exist, but just haven’t been found yet. Don’t ask about what they eat or how they propel themselves; it’s probably a metaphor or something.

We start in the future, but also in the past in 2123. A big fraggin’ space whale totals a ship killing nearly all of the crew. We then fast forward 24 years and learn that one of the young survivors now has his own ship and he’s out for revenge. He has a ragtag crew of basically every space faring stereotype you can think of, from the Bourbon drinking old salt to the nerdy, misfit engineer.

The crew are supposedly out farming food in space and the best pickings are in ‘white space’  where communications are difficult and perils await in the shape of space pirates and space whales. The crew are keen to harvest the ambergris and get home but the captain is twisted by his lust for revenge on the whale who took his father and he’s got a homing beacon on it that is now giving a signal.

On the way to the inevitable showdown the crew get robbed by some pirates and the engineer gets infected by a parasite that turns him into Vincent D’Onofrio out of ‘Men in Black’. They also have to contend with a saboteur and a snooper from a government agency who want to keep an eye on our heroes’ shady practices.

Who will survive? Would Melville approve and does watching this count as me having read the book?

This was a strange offering. It had long sequences that looked like cut scenes from video games and a ridiculous premise that wasn’t really explored - I’m none the wiser as to what ‘white space’ was meant to be. At least they didn’t hide their inspiration with the ship named ‘The Essex’ (the proto ‘Pequod’) and plenty of other Melville nods sprinkled along the way. The source material meant that you knew our captain was going to go full Ahab at some point, so it was no surprise when he did so. Maybe it was to the actor though, who was unconvincing when trying to display madness, mania or even slight excitement.

The subplot with the possessed engineer was poorly delivered also with a couple of nasty and brutal stabbings - haven’t these people heard of ray guns? It was maybe a budget issue as they had the same set of kitchen scales as my wife - maybe they were space antiques?

Virtually every space film you can think of gets a nod here with the slime coming through the roof onto the metal decking a straight lift from every Alien film, and the crew appearing like a ‘Firefly’ fan convention. None of the characters worked for me and some of the backstories were poor - one woman had several convictions for assaults with a frying pan. She must have been Scottish - at least she got to use her singular talent when confronted by the baddie!

Overall this was a strange offering which, despite some decent special effects, didn’t make a lot of sense and failed to engage with me on any level. One to throw back!

Best Bit : Mr Stabby Loses His Head  ’W’ Rating 11/23

 

No.332 : Winter of Our Dreams (1981)

 

Winter of Our Dreams at the IMDb

In the pretentious title stakes this one fall short of current incumbent Winter of Frozen Dreams but given it is all set in Sydney, Australia they couldn’t go with the ’frozen’ bit I assume. Bryan Brown stars as a renaissance man who runs a book shop and plays chess against his computer. He does of course drink beer and womanise so as not to turn off the bloke demographic. I doubt this would have been an easy sell to the average Ozzer so plenty of topless ladies are thrown into the mix, including some random topless sunbathers lying on a bit of grass.

Bryan is busy playing chess and selling books when he hears about a dead woman, who had been pulled from the harbour a week ago, being identified as a women he knew ten years ago. He used to be a political agitator but has now married and settled down with Gretel. The two have an open marriage which sees Gretel spend time with her young and hunky boyfriend. Not to be outdone Bryan wanders about with his shirt off most of the film but he doesn’t see much action between the sheets.

Anyway he goes to the girl’s funeral and later meets up with fellow attendee, prostitute Lou (Judy Davis). Bryan’s dead girlfriend had been on the game after they broke up and he is keen to learn about her decline and his involvement in her eventual demise. There is no murder angle as it is established early on it was suicide, but Bryan has to dig about his past to try and get some answers.

Some of these come from Lou who has the dead girl’s diaries, and unfortunately, her guitar. The focus alternates between the two leads with scenes of Bryan’s relationship interplayed with Judy struggling to get drugs and to understand her own life and prospects. She reads through the dead girl’s diaries and plays her maudlin music on some tapes.

Lou and Bryan spend a long weekend together where she gets off the junk and he rebukes her advances. Can these troubled souls find the answers they need to move on with their lives?

This was a decent slice of life but I didn’t learn anything or become invested in the characters. Judy Davis, who we know from Lewis Collins starrer Who Dares Wins, was good as Lou but I couldn’t get used to her tight ginger perm. She was pretty skuzzy as the drug addled whore, although I struggled to have sympathy for her character. Bryan did his usual serviceable performance but I got no emotional resonance from him and he seemed to be the same character he usually plays, chugging beer and being blokey.

It was fun to see Baz Luhrmann as Judy’s occasional flat mate who couldn’t get it on with the lady of the night. As an actor he makes a great director.

All in all this was an essay in damaged people trying to move on and therefore hardly what you’d consider to be classed as entertainment. There were decent performances, and sunny Australia looked nice, but overall you won’t learn much or invest in the largely one note characters.

Best Bit : Lou tries to pay her rent   13/23

No.331 : Where’s That Fire? (1939)

Where's That Fire? at the IMDB

OK, who asked for a black and white comedy that survived the Blitz and is now in the public domain? Oh everyone? Good news, ‘cos that’s what we’ve got.

Will Hay stars as hopeless fire chief Captain Viking. He manages two underlings and the three of them make the Stooges look like intellectuals. They get up to some funny hijinks, but how many have burned to death whilst they are squirting hoses at each other?

They work in a sleepy town, but one that seems to beset with fire related issues. They have had sixteen call outs and have not put out one fire - well they have, because otherwise they’d still be burning, as they point out to the councillors. The lads’ ancient fire engine takes ages to get set up and after the town hall burns down their bosses put them on a warning - modernise and put out one fire or they’ll all be sacked. 

This warning puts a light under our guys, so to speak, so they head off to a modern fire station to see what they can learn. Back home, Chief Viking who is a part time inventor, sets up some automation and the guys set about installing a fireman’s pole. This takes ages to get in the door and results in the breakage of just about every window in town.

Meanwhile a couple of scouts show up and ask to rent the fire engine for a film for £30. Our negligent heroes grab the money but unbeknown to them, the men are in fact criminals intent on stealing the crown jewels. The ancient engine is the same as that in the Tower of London and the baddies hope to ‘Trojan Horse’ their way in.

Can our heroes thwart the crime and save their jobs?

You know a film is ancient when Charles Hawtry is cast as a schoolboy. He’s actually quite good in it as he offers Viking some mathematical formulas as a solution to his fire pole issues.

The film is slapstick throughout with just a tad of drama tacked on at the end so they can claim a story. The three main cast members bounce off each other well, with each being more idiotic and greedy than the next. I liked Moore Marriott’s old coot who loved the bottle and wasn’t shy about lighting fires to earn a couple of quid.

Some of the set pieces were great fun with the fire pole manoeuvring being funnier and funnier the more ridiculous their schemes got. I usually bail out on something when you can see where it’s going, but there was a good ten minutes of broken windows and wilder solutions that didn’t waste a moment.

It was gentle fun with their horse Percy the brains of the outfit. At one point they are trying to put out a fire at a petrol station and they connect the hose to the petrol rather than to the water - deaths and massive property damaged must have ensued!

There was the odd kick in the pants a la Chaplin, but this was a lot more British with class issues and a stiff upper lip all present and correct. At only 70minutes this one doesn’t ask much of you and you will be rewarded with more than a few laughs and a nostalgic look at a long bygone age.

Best Bit : Automatic Horse Saddling  ’W’ Rating 17/23

 

No.330 : Why Me? (1984)

 

Why Me? at the IMDb

True life medical drama now in this 1984 made for TV movie. They can’t all be blockbusters, although we wish they were! This was a decent offering with a few unintentional laughs and a genuinely inspiring story.

Glynnis O’Connor stars as military nurse Leola Mae Harmon. She is recently pregnant but still runs to keep her figure. She drive a sweet Mustang but on her way to work one day disaster strikes. Whilst driving on the most obvious closed set road you’ll ever see, a poorly acting drunk overtakes a school bus and hits Leola’s car. The budget is blown in this early scene as the car flies off the road and somersaults a few times, depositing the non seatbelt wearing Leola on her face.

The paramedics are aghast at her injuries and disfigurement and she looks likely to die until Dr Stallings takes over her case in A&E. Dr Stallings, played by ‘Rico Dredd’ Armand Assante, has short hair and takes no nonsense. He immediately starts to plan the reconstruction of Leola’s shattered face, despite protests from his bosses, and casually lets her know her unborn baby is lost.

Meanwhile Leola‘s husband is having trouble coming to terms with his wife‘s injuries. He brings her a box of chocolates not realising that she is on an all soup diet. It doesn‘t help that the make up she‘s been given makes her look like an extra from ‘Star Trek‘ but he can‘t make love to her despite her baby doll nightie and kind offer of turning the lights off.

He‘s soon off the scene and Rico and Leola set about rebuilding her face. There will she shouting and tears but can she be put back together and will the 40 odd operations mean that doctor and patient will form a bond that goes beyond the hospital?

This isn’t the kind of film I would normally watch but it was OK for the genre and I could see it being inspirational to those with disfigurements or with aspirations to marry a doctor.

They made the husband out to be a right dick but I thought he tried his best. Taking the wife to a restaurant with gawking extras and an all soup diet couldn’t have been fun.

Assante got most of the big speeches and screen time with Leola largely mumbling though her sewn up mouth. The make up was poor with some scenes looking like she stuck some plasticine on herself for a joke. She was a strong character though, quickly getting back to work and helping others in situations similar to hers. She was prone to big outbursts, the effect of which was somewhat muted due to the fact that she had a sock in her mouth. When the drunk driver got off with a suspended sentence she almost brought the house down with an impassioned mumble.

I could have done without the mental imagery that the big break through of ‘vaginal tissue’ gave me, but the closing credits with some feel good captions and photos of the now recovered, real life, Leola made the whole painful journey worthwhile.

Best Bit : “…and for pudding?”  “Soup”  ‘W’ Rating 16/23

No.329 : Welcome to New York (2014)

 

Welcome to New York at the IMDb

You know that when a film opens with captions and the lead actor talking about how the following is a work of fiction, that it has probably encountered legal difficulties. Having seen the film, it’s not hard to see why, with the events depicted following closely those of the Dominique Strauss-Khan affair when he, whilst head of the IMF, was accused of raping a hotel chambermaid.

Gerard De-pa-du stars as a totally different character, a French politician called Devereaux. He is a fat and sleazy individual who spends the first half hour of the film grabbing and sniffing a stream of prostitutes in his luxury New York hotel suite. He clearly has no respect for women and this leads to him grabbing a chambermaid when she has the misfortune of chancing upon him as he exits the shower.

He knows he has done wrong and immediately heads to the airport. The maid has however went to the police and Gerard is pulled off his plane and put into jail. We see him processed through the system, including a ‘burn my eyes please’ strip search, and then his trial begins.

He has a rich wife in the shape of Jacqueline Bisset who pays his $1m bail and $60k rent on the house he is confined to during his trail. With teams of lawyers looking to discredit the victim, will he get off and will he mend his ways?

Directed by ‘Bad Lieutenant’ helmer Abel Ferrara this was never going to be an easy watch and it certainly delivered on that front. It was a brave performance by the morbidly obese Depardieu who wasn’t shy in showing all - must have been nice for him to see his willy again at least! He did get lots of scenes pawing at prostitutes and these were unsettling rather than erotic as his letchy hands and massive belly dominated the screen.

I could see why Strauss-Khan’s lawyers objected to the film as it’s clearly about him, with the same townhouse used as he rented during his trial, but they make it explicit that the character was guilty of the assault and got off due to backhanded tactics, whereas Strauss-Khan was acquitted - although he did reach a settlement with the claimant in her civil case.

The film fell between two stools in that it was not a documentary but it also wasn’t a work of fiction. They can speculate what happened but it did seem unfair to ride roughshod over one person’s rights whilst championing those of another. 

There were large sections of the film in French with no subtitles offered on my copy. I don’t know if that was a deliberate ploy to make some of the evidence uncertain or just to hide some of the slander.

The opening sections with the debauched life style and the middle sections in the jail were good, but the trail and outcome seemed rushed and skimmed over. Some old archive footage of a verdict was shown and I take it this was from the original case. It did cement the idea that the real case and the one shown here were one and the same, with both leaving questions unanswered.

This is not what you’d term ‘light entertainment’ but there were some strong and compelling scenes and excellent performances all round. Overall however it was a bit of a misfire, with me knowing less about the real case having watched this dramatization of it.

Best Bit : Gerard Has a Night In ‘W’ Rating 15/23

No.328 : Wedding at Graceland (2019)

 

Wedding at Graceland at the IMDb

I thought I’d up the ante and look for a bit more sex and violence to spice up the blog. Where else to look than the Hallmark Channel and a sugary sweet collaboration with the Presley estate? To be fair there is none of that sex and violence stuff, but there was a quizzical look at one point when it was discovered that two wedding cakes had been ordered.

The film sets its stall out early on with lots of touristy shots of Memphis played over Elvis crooning ‘Don’t Be Cruel’. We see a statue of the great man and it’s clear that filming rights for Graceland come with strings attached. Still there’s nothing in the way of subterfuge or sly product placement here - basically it’s 90 minutes of ‘Why don’t you have your wedding in the Graceland chapel?’ with added minor peril.

The film stars Kellie Pickler who seemingly came 6th in a series of ‘American Idol’. She has a daughter (no mention of the father) and a boyfriend, Clay, who used to be her teen sweetheart. The pair used sing together but Kellie was shepherded away from that life to get a business degree by her overbearing father and now works in a bank. She is now back with Clay following a reunion in the film ‘Christmas at Graceland’ which I don’t intend looking up.

Clay takes Kellie and her daughter to Graceland to ‘drop off some documents’ but wouldn’t you just guess it, he’s there to propose! They seem to have an open door policy at Graceland as all their friends are hiding nearby to offer their congratulations. Also in attendance is Graceland’s wedding planner who tells them that the chapel is booked up for a year - but wait! They have a cancellation in 3 weeks - can our happy couple set up their wedding in time?

What follows is an hour of minor setbacks as the families jet in and don’t immediately get on. Kellie’s father ‘The Major’ doesn’t take to Clay and acts like a Major asshole. Both Moms want to take charge and once a wedding planner is engaged things start to spiral out of control. Can the happy couple make it up the aisle and will the day end up just perfect, with everyone happy? Yes.

This was a well made, sugar laced, travelogue for Memphis and for the excellent facilities available at the Graceland mansion - don’t forget the Graceland Chapel and Graceland Guest House either! It was good to see inside the mansion and even Pricilla showed up for one awkward scene where she gives her blessing to the union whilst looking like The Joker.

I didn’t recognise anyone on show apart from Rob Moran whom you’ll know from most of the Farrelly Brothers films. There was a big star guest at the end whom Clay snagged using his music industry connections - I was hoping for Michael Bolton but it turned out to be Lee Brice - me neither.

Obviously I’m not the target audience here, but it was decent fun with the mild peril of the vicar getting flu set against a nice sunny backdrop, with added Southern homilies. It was strange that money was never mentioned as an issue with the extra harpists and doves being dismissed as too much hassle rather than ’how much is this going to cost?’ It was however a fantasy piece and you could see the film doing well with the pissed up hen party crowd - 'that bitch mother in law knows that frosting isn’t right' - that kind of thing.

Best Bit : I used to be a Chaplin in the army…  ‘W’ rating 14/23

No.327 : When We First Met (2018)

 

When We First Met at the IMDb

Watching this film you may get the feeling that it’s Groundhog Day, not because it's is a funny and well crafted piece of original entertainment, but because it rehashes large portions of the Bill Murray classic. That’s not to say it just rips off ‘Groundhog day’ - it also rips off ‘Big’ and ‘Back to the Future’ too.

Still these films are all 30+ years old so let’s see if this modern take adds anything to the overly familiar genre. Adam Devine, who you’ll know from the ‘Pitch Perfect’ films as well as ‘Why Him?’ stars as Noah, a jazz bar pianist, who is attending the engagement party of Avery and Ethan. He remembers that three years ago he met Avery at a Halloween party and fell for her. He wasn’t able to seal the deal however, and the next day Avery met Ethan and his chance was lost.

He gets drunk and gets a ride home from Avery’s photographer flatmate, Carrie. The pair stop off at Noah’s jazz bar and he forlornly wishes in the antique photo booth that he had the chance to do things differently. Happily the photo booth seems to have been made by the same people who made Tom Hanks’ ‘Zoltar’ machine and Noah wakes up three years earlier on the day of the fateful Halloween party.

He spends a lot of time coming to terms with his situation but eventually chooses a different costume and approach towards Avery to get out of the friend zone and into the loving relationship he thinks is his destiny. As you will probably guess things don’t go to plan and after the party he wakes up in a now changed present to see where he is and what kind of relationship he has with the elusive Avery. As the present days flounder he retreats back to the photo booth to try again...and again.

Sometimes he’s rich and discontented - others see him branded a stalker, or with Avery but with her not loving him. Will his repeated trips back in forth in time lead to the problem being fixed or does his true route to happiness lie in a different direction?

This Netflix film was OK as a Sunday afternoon distraction but it offered nothing new and the outcome was no real surprise. The whole film was essentially that scene in ‘Groundhog Day’ where Bill Murray tries to fast forward his romance plans by remembering lots of details about Andie Macdowell’s life and creeping her out. No self respecting film will ever let the hero profit with such knowledge and, as ever, they demand that their character learn, grow and accept some truths before he can move on.

Of course there was no reason given for the magic in play and that’s fair enough, but acceptance came easy to Noah and at no point did he try to but Facebook shares or bet Leicester to win the league. Still, it said fantasy on the tin and that’s what you get.

I liked that they didn’t make the love rival an asshole, with Noah coming off the worst due to his manipulative machinations. The same scenes played out several times and it would have been good to have seen them from different perspectives, as it did come across as a bit dull and lazy.

There were no laughs or surprises, but the young and good looking cast seemed to be having fun and, if you don’t demand too much, you may get a slice for yourself.

Best Bit : Oh I’m Fat Now  ‘W’ Rating 14/23

No.326 : White Cargo (1942)

White Cargo at the IMDb

It’s the present day (well it was in 1942) and a young man is starting work at a rubber plantation in Africa. The office is clean and has air conditioning. 'It wasn’t always like this' says the aging boss as the film dissolves back to the frontier days of 1910.

 

A small group of British rubber workers manage a large plantation and many native workers as they fight the climate, lack of women and disease. The booze soaked doctor wanders about stealing folks’ whiskey and plantation manager Walter Pidgeon is being driven bonkers by the endless steam of young trainees sent to help, who all ask about the hunting and the friendliness of the natives.

 

New man Langford is appalled by the sloppy operation and vows to set a good example by not drinking and shaving every day. His pith helmet and lack of language skills amuse the natives and his plant rearing skills leave a lot to be desired.

 

After half an hour of them floundering about we meet the star attraction - native woman  Tondelayo, played by Hedy Lamar. Tondelayo has a bit of a reputation, possibly as a Hollywood star blacked up as a native, as her hair and make up is always perfect despite the humid jungle conditions and the seeming lack of a hairdressers. Her English is poor and she refers to herself in the third person - ‘Tondelayo like silk and trinkets’. This quickly gets old but Langford is soon mesmerised by her bra top and willingness to please.

 

The other men at the plant, who look to have had their own share of encounters with the naughty native, try to warn him off but soon the pair are married. A few months pass and Tondelayo is bored - will she take ‘till death do us part’ literally and will Pidgeon’s local law mete out a fitting punishment for her? Maybe a trip back to the present day will reveal all!

 

I quite liked the first half hour of this film which saw a bunch of character actors all bicker and offer up a few laughs. Lamarr certainly brightened things up when she arrived but her annoying speech pattern and unlikely look took any realism out of the film and you just knew she was going to screw over the first sucker to give her the time of day.

 

Fair enough she was a cracker, and the jungle didn’t have a lot of options, but it seemed extreme for someone to offer her marriage despite her still asking for tat in the midst of a proposal. Still that’s women for you!

 

I liked Walter Pidgeon best as the Clark Gable like plant manager who was going slowly mad though the heat and tedium of his role. The familiar part of the dipso doc was well executed by Frank Morgan but I was less convinced by the love struck Richard Carlson.

 

The film had good locations and, although I doubt they navigated the Congo for the sets, there was a good sweaty and uncomfortable vibe about the whole affair. If they had made Tondelayo a bit more convincing it would have been a better film but I guess they knew their market and Hedy in a bra for an hour guaranteed success.

 

 

A fun oddity which will probably be buried forever more due to it’s use of black face and indigenous worker abuse - and rightly so!

 

Best Bit : Acclimatise! ‘W’ rating 14/23