No. 351 : Wrath of Man (2021)

 

Wrath of Man at the IMDb

I saw a trailer for a new Guy Ritchie film starring Jason Statham, Josh Hartnett and Eddie Marsan called ‘Operation Fortune’ that looked a lot of fun. I was surprised to see it pop up on Amazon Prime, but it turned out it wasn’t the fun caper film from the trailer but a heist movie involving the same people. It’s almost like they finished one film early and decided to bash out another seeing as they had all the crew assembled. If my assumption of this cookie cutter approach is correct, one film would have to be the poorer cousin; but which one is it? It’s this one!

Jason plays his usual character - bald and gruff ex-special forces with a mysterious past - who on this outing is called ‘H’ - they may have been trying for a Steps sub-plot, but it wasn’t really developed. The film opens with a heist which we see from the security van’s crew’s perspective. Something goes awry and we hear that two guards and a civilian have been shot from the police radios - remember that for later.

We then meet Jason who is applying for a job at the security firm three months later. He’s told of the previous robbery and is taken through his paces by ‘Bullet’, the senior guard at the firm. Jason barely scrapes a 70% pass mark at the evaluation, but we suspect that he has more in his locker. True to form his van is soon held up, but Jason shoots up all the bad guys without drawing sweat or changing his facial expression. Company rules say that any incident involving a fatality means those involved should get a desk job, but the boss tells flunky Eddie Marsan that Jason should be promoted instead - he does have top billing, after all.

Meanwhile we meet up with the troupe of bad guys run by ‘Burn Notice’s Jeffrey Donovan. He’s getting on a bit so he gets some help from Clint junior, Scott Eastwood. Scott has a bit of a cloudy eye, so we know from the start that he’s a total psychopath. The robbers are ex-military and are keen for a big score and target Jason’s depot on Black Friday when there will be $150 million cash on hand - haven’t these people heard of credit cards?

The narrative jumps back and forth in time with captions appearing regularly - at one point we are five months back and then it’s ‘3 weeks later’ from then or now? It does get a bit confusing. There are also chapter titles which define the 3 acts, which just come across as pretentious in a film with low aspirations, such as this. Just remember Jason has a soppy son he dotes on and that there’s a mole in the security network who is almost definitely the one you think it is from the start.

This was a half decent offering, and if you are of mind to stick on a mindless Jason Statham film you won’t be disappointed. This isn’t one of his light-hearted efforts where he drops a couple of zingers, this is the brow furrowed and no shit taken Jason with plenty of double taps and needless blood letting.

The non-linear narrative is easy enough to follow, mainly because every ‘twist’ was signposted brighter than a Christmas tree. We know Jason is on the path of vengeance - the title is your clue - and it didn’t take much mental agility to work our where he’d been wronged and who needed shooting to sort things out.

The characters are all wafer thin, but it did seem pointless to kill off virtually every one of them. I know it makes the baddie a bit more ‘boo hiss’ if he kills a few people we have investment in, but sadly the investment was nil, with the interest rate even lower.

Donovan had very little to do and it looked like a lot of the principals did their work in a few days when it suited their schedules. The film lacked any of the glamour or budget of what ‘Operation Fortune’ promises and clearly this effort will be seen as the runt of the litter. For a film like this to succeed you need to really care about the character and his motivation. Here Statham’s character didn’t make any sense, nor did his involvement in the initial heist. ‘We need you to tell us if the truck goes left or right’ says the mysterious overlord on the phone. Given the ambush was set up on the right it didn’t really matter what Statham called in, as that was their only chance of success anyway. Why Jason and his son stopped for a front row burrito was just illogical.

Anyway , slice and dice it anyway you like this was an unsatisfying revenge flick that had some decent gun play and a few familiar faces looking for an easy pay day. It was competently made but totally forgettable and a lesser Statham, if there is such a thing.

Best Bit : Jason drops his burritos ‘W’ Rating : 10/23

No.342 : Wicked Spring (2002)

 Wicked Spring at the IMDb

The American Civil War lasted for about four years - this film felt slightly longer.

We open in 1861 with a long and meandering introduction to our characters. It is the golden time before the war, and we are treated to bucolic scenes of the harvest and people courting. We know it can’t last and are eventually transported to a battle in 1863 where the Blues and the Greys are facing off, in a small scale battle, in some woods.

The battle scene is the highlight of the film but it does highlight the small budget that is in play, with the 20 odd soldiers, who comprise each army, struggling to make the scene look epic. It looks daft that they are all crammed together to try and show scale as it’s clear that they would have fought better by spreading out a bit.

The battle isn’t well choreographed with at times it being unclear who is shooting who. This may be deliberate to show the horrors of war, but for me it just looked a bit unfocused and messy. There were several kills with the actors being shown to be hit many times from different angles in slow motion. This was a strange choice by the director as it took you out of the moment and made the thing look like a rap video.

With one side routed the soldiers flee into the woods and are detached from their units. Our main hero, Harrison, is with another soldier and they meet up with four others and set up a camp. Over an never-ending night the men share stories and food and we learn that Harrison hasn’t read any of the letters he received from his sweetheart, as he doesn’t read too good and that.

His new friend reads all his letters for him and sadly there’s no juicy stuff. There is however plenty of violin music accompanying the endless letter reading so we have that at least. I was expecting a bit more during this section to be honest, but maybe I just missed what was happening in the dark. “I can’t see a damn thing!“ someone exclaims at one point - I hear you brother, but obviously I can’t see you.

The next morning Harrison is awoken by a kick to the ribs. The nasty one with the medical background has discovered that the soldiers are from different sides and decides to take those from his enemy prisoner, so that he can return to his lines without being branded a deserter. A great plan, but one that quickly flounders as the upper hand switches back and forth between the two sides.

Who will win the day? And will the night of bonding help heal the schism between the two groups and across America as a whole? Probably not, as the battle is still raging and those extras seem keen to get home…

This was an awful film that looked like some Civil War re-enactor’s pet project that somehow found its way onto Amazon Prime. Fair enough it was based on a true incident, but one thing this effort will teach you is that not all true events are deserving of being recreated. There probably was a decent story in here to be fair, but the execution was just plain awful.

I was expecting some great revelation or horror, but in the end it was the old 'futility of war' message rote large for no entertainment or learning benefit whatsoever.

It didn’t look like there was a profession actor on show at all, which is fair enough as they also dispensed with a writer, editor and director too! Some scenes rambled on forever with the fireside letter reading section taking up an inordinate amount of the film for zero benefit whatsoever. You may say it built up Harrison’s character but alas there was none to begin with and all this added was that he couldn’t read.

The attempts at healing the divides were ham-fisted as was the conclusion which basically shouted ‘That’s the budget done, bring back the re-enacting guys’. Overall this was a painful watch and it’s just a pity Lincoln isn’t about to free this guff from my consciousness.

Best Bit : Opening Battle Scenes - ‘W’ Rating  : 8/23

No.341 : Warrior Queen (1987)

Warrior Queen at the IMDb

Time to class things up here with this historical drama which charts the last days of Pompeii. OK, the Frankie Howerd version may have been more accurate and had better sets, but this has Sybil Danning and a man being killed with a Frisbee.

We open with Sybil arriving in town in a small bandwagon. They are attacked by some brigands who quickly see off her soldier escort. They didn’t bargain on Sybil however, as she manages to kill three of them without breaking a sweat or looking a bit interested.

Meanwhile in town, the slave auction is in full swing and the director wastes no time in setting out his stall for his target audience. Let’s just say the bidders insist on a full inspection of the goods.

A ‘Ben Hur’ wannabe shows up and has a bit of a scrap with a non copyright ‘Hercules’ and Donald Pleasence takes the pay cheque as Emporer Clodius who fawns over Sybil a lot and does little else. The plot here is as thin as the slave girls’ tops but essentially we get a few days ‘slice of life’ entertainment before Vesuvius blows its top in magical stock footage fashion.

Sybil’s motivations aren’t clear but she does befriend one slave girl and takes a necklace off her and gives it back at the end. I guess she’s meant to be some sort of emancipation figure but she hardly has any lines and zero character development. Ben Hur and the slave girl we follow have a small romance arc that sees him killing folk in the arena whilst she gets raped in the woods. They all come through it unscathed, although the same can’t be said for their wardrobes.

There isn’t any real social commentary here with the elaborate fighting games and freely available sex doubtless meant to signal that this society was too bloated and due a bit of cleansing. Some of the exposition may have been lost in the 68 minute cut I saw on Amazon prime, but I doubt it. This was a ‘Caligula’ type soft porn with history used to dress up a bit of smut. Alas the production values were not matched with stock footage obtrusively appearing for the crowd and eruption scenes, and many of the sets looking distinctly wobbly despite the Rome locations.

This is just short enough to not be a total waste of time as you will get a couple of cheezy laughs and some titillation for your hour long investment. Don’t be basing your thesis on it though, unless its titled ‘Crappy & Inaccurate Boob Fests I Have Seen’.

Best Bit : I bid 1000 Sesterti! ‘W’ Rating 8/23

No.335 : What the Waters Left Behind (2017)

What the Waters Left Behind at the IMDb

As our regular reader will attest, we are not adverse to the odd foreign film here at the ‘W’ Movie Blog and, with that in mind, let’s head south to Argentina for this derivative murder fest.

We get some exposition to start as we learn of a small village that was beset by rising flood waters. It had to be forcibly evacuated by the military before it was totally engulfed with the population displaced - or where they? Obviously not.

Many years later a documentary film crew have returned to the village which has recently re-emerged, due to the falling floodwaters. They are pretty low rent, relying on an ancient VW camper van and some limited equipment. They have in tow a young woman who was a refugee from the village, and the plan is to capture her memories of the once vibrant town.

On the journey to the village we get to know our six victims, er, filmmakers, who have the usual list of quirks and character points such as love rivals and a small poodle owner. Yappy dug is definitely getting it.

They stop off at a small petrol station and visit the worst toilet this side of ‘Trainspotting’. The attendants are all a bit strange, especially the old woman who insists that they buy her pies in exchange for her ‘clearing up their shit. On the evidence seen, not much shit gets cleared up, even on a good day.

Our heroes get ripped off on the fuel and window screen wipe down so they roar off yelling abuse and ditching the rancid pies - huge mistake!

At the village things go OK at first with the refugee showing the team around and recounting some interesting tales. Their van however breaks down and it’s clear someone has cut the petrol pipe. They make the standard error of splitting up and soon they start to fall afoul of some colourful locals and a snake. As their numbers inevitably whittle down, we wonder who will survive and whether the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ people have their copyright infringement lawsuit ready to go.

I think if this film was in English it would have been easier to dismiss as a clear knockoff in an already crowed survival horror genre. As it was, the Spanish language and exotic locations kept me interested or at least reading the subtitles.

It’s clear early on that the villains of the piece were a ‘Sawney Bean’ type cannibal family, with the gas station pies the first hint that maybe the vegan option wasn’t so bad. They revealed themselves gradually, and the look of sheep skull hats and massive cudgels was quite impressive and very ‘Silent Hill’.

The big surprise was nothing of the sort and I was only caught unawares as it was actually presented as such and not just assumed. The locations were excellent for the first hour with what looked like a real life disaster zone being used. Once the action decamped to an obvious set for the cannibals lair I lost interest and the film any momentum that it had earned.

There were a few bone crunching kills but nothing you haven’t seen before and better in films like ‘Wolf Creek’.

Overall this was an interesting pastime but it offered little new apart from some inventive locations and costumes. I’d seek my thrills elsewhere if I were you.

Best Bit : ‘Nearly Done’  ‘W’ Rating 11/23

 

No.334 : Where’s the Money (2017)

Where's the Money at the IMDb

Hmmm, for a film centred about higher education it’s disappointing that the interrogative statement that is the title hasn’t been furnished with a question mark. Still we’ve went over this old chestnut before with the question mark being considered unlucky in Hollywood. It begs the question therefore; how bad would this film have been if the correct punctuation was used?

Actually, it’s not that bad - it’s horrible, unfunny and morally dubious but I did get a few chuckles from the characters who were all desperate not to cause offence and be seen as racist. 

The film opens with some narration and an overview of L.A. and specifically South Central. Our hero, Del, works in a gym that his father and uncle started to keep kids away from crime. Sadly they didn’t practice what they preached and ended up in jail for a $1m bank robbery. Del is a bit hopeless and is constantly nagged by his Mom to fix an overhead air conditioner that isn’t properly secured. This is possibly the first use of Chekov’s air conditioner in a mainstream movie, so remember it for later.

Del’s Dad gets in touch to say that his Uncle is due to get out and he’s worried that he’ll grab the hidden bank job loot before he can. He tasks Del with recovering the cash, but alas the derelict house in which the money was hidden is now a frat house for a bunch of white college kids.

Del tries to get to the basement where the money is hidden by posing as a fire marshal but is costume is rumbled and he has to start another plan. There’s no suggestion that he should maybe get a job and report the money to the authorities, so instead he poses as a pledge to join the fraternity. The frat lads know that they need a token non-white, so Del stacks the deck in his favour by leading a revolt of all the minorities that he fails to join in with.

Del now has to go through a variety of initiation rituals to gain entry to the fraternity and the money laden basement. Will he get the hard to please girl and will the money be found - and kept?

The best part of this film was it’s approach to racism and social hang ups in general. The white characters dressed in KKK suits for the initiation, pointing out that their frat actually predated the KKK and their hats are less pointy. This led to some fun scenes in the ghetto where every character had a gat and said ‘motherfucker’. I don’t know if they were mocking stereotypes by having loads of them, but I don’t think so.

The whites were constantly conferring over the correct language to use with Del gaining mileage by calling them out for their use of ‘slaves’ and ‘auctions’. The whites were all embarrassed and the blacks had a good laugh with their faux outrage. It was a bit one note however so it was good that they had a couple of gross out scenes to balance the political commentary - the man licking out a rat was lovely.

The big showdown at the end went as you’d guess and it seemed bizarre that they just shared out the cash with no worries about the prospect of life in a super-max prison if they were found out. There was some measure of redemption and bonding all round, but what about the poor insurance company who had the rightful claim to that cash? No wonder my Aviva shares are in the toilet!

Overall a decent fun take on contemporary attitudes to race where no one got offended and we all learned a bit about acceptance, tolerance and stealing money.

Best Bit : Stealing the Time Capsule -  14/23

 

No.333 : White Space (2018)

White Space at the IMDb

Problem : You want to make a sci-fi film but don’t have a plot. Solution? Just repurpose some old public domain classic and you’re good to go.

Strange as it may sound this film is ‘Moby Dick’ in space. But wouldn’t that need a big whale you may ask? Well this has one, a big space whale, like the type that definitely exist, but just haven’t been found yet. Don’t ask about what they eat or how they propel themselves; it’s probably a metaphor or something.

We start in the future, but also in the past in 2123. A big fraggin’ space whale totals a ship killing nearly all of the crew. We then fast forward 24 years and learn that one of the young survivors now has his own ship and he’s out for revenge. He has a ragtag crew of basically every space faring stereotype you can think of, from the Bourbon drinking old salt to the nerdy, misfit engineer.

The crew are supposedly out farming food in space and the best pickings are in ‘white space’  where communications are difficult and perils await in the shape of space pirates and space whales. The crew are keen to harvest the ambergris and get home but the captain is twisted by his lust for revenge on the whale who took his father and he’s got a homing beacon on it that is now giving a signal.

On the way to the inevitable showdown the crew get robbed by some pirates and the engineer gets infected by a parasite that turns him into Vincent D’Onofrio out of ‘Men in Black’. They also have to contend with a saboteur and a snooper from a government agency who want to keep an eye on our heroes’ shady practices.

Who will survive? Would Melville approve and does watching this count as me having read the book?

This was a strange offering. It had long sequences that looked like cut scenes from video games and a ridiculous premise that wasn’t really explored - I’m none the wiser as to what ‘white space’ was meant to be. At least they didn’t hide their inspiration with the ship named ‘The Essex’ (the proto ‘Pequod’) and plenty of other Melville nods sprinkled along the way. The source material meant that you knew our captain was going to go full Ahab at some point, so it was no surprise when he did so. Maybe it was to the actor though, who was unconvincing when trying to display madness, mania or even slight excitement.

The subplot with the possessed engineer was poorly delivered also with a couple of nasty and brutal stabbings - haven’t these people heard of ray guns? It was maybe a budget issue as they had the same set of kitchen scales as my wife - maybe they were space antiques?

Virtually every space film you can think of gets a nod here with the slime coming through the roof onto the metal decking a straight lift from every Alien film, and the crew appearing like a ‘Firefly’ fan convention. None of the characters worked for me and some of the backstories were poor - one woman had several convictions for assaults with a frying pan. She must have been Scottish - at least she got to use her singular talent when confronted by the baddie!

Overall this was a strange offering which, despite some decent special effects, didn’t make a lot of sense and failed to engage with me on any level. One to throw back!

Best Bit : Mr Stabby Loses His Head  ’W’ Rating 11/23

 

No.331 : Where’s That Fire? (1939)

Where's That Fire? at the IMDB

OK, who asked for a black and white comedy that survived the Blitz and is now in the public domain? Oh everyone? Good news, ‘cos that’s what we’ve got.

Will Hay stars as hopeless fire chief Captain Viking. He manages two underlings and the three of them make the Stooges look like intellectuals. They get up to some funny hijinks, but how many have burned to death whilst they are squirting hoses at each other?

They work in a sleepy town, but one that seems to beset with fire related issues. They have had sixteen call outs and have not put out one fire - well they have, because otherwise they’d still be burning, as they point out to the councillors. The lads’ ancient fire engine takes ages to get set up and after the town hall burns down their bosses put them on a warning - modernise and put out one fire or they’ll all be sacked. 

This warning puts a light under our guys, so to speak, so they head off to a modern fire station to see what they can learn. Back home, Chief Viking who is a part time inventor, sets up some automation and the guys set about installing a fireman’s pole. This takes ages to get in the door and results in the breakage of just about every window in town.

Meanwhile a couple of scouts show up and ask to rent the fire engine for a film for £30. Our negligent heroes grab the money but unbeknown to them, the men are in fact criminals intent on stealing the crown jewels. The ancient engine is the same as that in the Tower of London and the baddies hope to ‘Trojan Horse’ their way in.

Can our heroes thwart the crime and save their jobs?

You know a film is ancient when Charles Hawtry is cast as a schoolboy. He’s actually quite good in it as he offers Viking some mathematical formulas as a solution to his fire pole issues.

The film is slapstick throughout with just a tad of drama tacked on at the end so they can claim a story. The three main cast members bounce off each other well, with each being more idiotic and greedy than the next. I liked Moore Marriott’s old coot who loved the bottle and wasn’t shy about lighting fires to earn a couple of quid.

Some of the set pieces were great fun with the fire pole manoeuvring being funnier and funnier the more ridiculous their schemes got. I usually bail out on something when you can see where it’s going, but there was a good ten minutes of broken windows and wilder solutions that didn’t waste a moment.

It was gentle fun with their horse Percy the brains of the outfit. At one point they are trying to put out a fire at a petrol station and they connect the hose to the petrol rather than to the water - deaths and massive property damaged must have ensued!

There was the odd kick in the pants a la Chaplin, but this was a lot more British with class issues and a stiff upper lip all present and correct. At only 70minutes this one doesn’t ask much of you and you will be rewarded with more than a few laughs and a nostalgic look at a long bygone age.

Best Bit : Automatic Horse Saddling  ’W’ Rating 17/23