No.341 : Warrior Queen (1987)

Warrior Queen at the IMDb

Time to class things up here with this historical drama which charts the last days of Pompeii. OK, the Frankie Howerd version may have been more accurate and had better sets, but this has Sybil Danning and a man being killed with a Frisbee.

We open with Sybil arriving in town in a small bandwagon. They are attacked by some brigands who quickly see off her soldier escort. They didn’t bargain on Sybil however, as she manages to kill three of them without breaking a sweat or looking a bit interested.

Meanwhile in town, the slave auction is in full swing and the director wastes no time in setting out his stall for his target audience. Let’s just say the bidders insist on a full inspection of the goods.

A ‘Ben Hur’ wannabe shows up and has a bit of a scrap with a non copyright ‘Hercules’ and Donald Pleasence takes the pay cheque as Emporer Clodius who fawns over Sybil a lot and does little else. The plot here is as thin as the slave girls’ tops but essentially we get a few days ‘slice of life’ entertainment before Vesuvius blows its top in magical stock footage fashion.

Sybil’s motivations aren’t clear but she does befriend one slave girl and takes a necklace off her and gives it back at the end. I guess she’s meant to be some sort of emancipation figure but she hardly has any lines and zero character development. Ben Hur and the slave girl we follow have a small romance arc that sees him killing folk in the arena whilst she gets raped in the woods. They all come through it unscathed, although the same can’t be said for their wardrobes.

There isn’t any real social commentary here with the elaborate fighting games and freely available sex doubtless meant to signal that this society was too bloated and due a bit of cleansing. Some of the exposition may have been lost in the 68 minute cut I saw on Amazon prime, but I doubt it. This was a ‘Caligula’ type soft porn with history used to dress up a bit of smut. Alas the production values were not matched with stock footage obtrusively appearing for the crowd and eruption scenes, and many of the sets looking distinctly wobbly despite the Rome locations.

This is just short enough to not be a total waste of time as you will get a couple of cheezy laughs and some titillation for your hour long investment. Don’t be basing your thesis on it though, unless its titled ‘Crappy & Inaccurate Boob Fests I Have Seen’.

Best Bit : I bid 1000 Sesterti! ‘W’ Rating 8/23

No.340 : Wonder Wheel (2017)

Wonder Wheel at the IMDb

Towards the end of this film Kate Winslet’s character says “Save me the bad drama” - if only she’d given this advice at the start! This offering, from writer and director Woody Allen, was decent but a bit derivative and for the most part, poorly acted.

The film, set in the 1950s,  starts with Justin Timberlake addressing the viewer and telling them he has a story for them. This breaking the fourth wall approach is rarely a good idea and I’ve no idea why it was employed here. Justin plays Mickey, a lifeguard at the beach on Coney island, near to where the titular ‘Wonder Wheel’ fairground ride is situated. Winslet is a waitress in a clam bar and she’s married to Jim Belushi who operates the merry-go-round. They live in a small apartment at the fairground with Winslet’s young son, who has a penchant for fire raising.

Their set up is disturbed when Belushi’s daughter, Juno Temple, shows up. She hasn’t seen Pop for five years since she left to marry a mobster. She has now left the hood and is on the run from his retribution, given she’s spoken to the Feds and all. After some reconciliation Juno moves in and gets a job at the clam bar. She wants to better herself however, and starts attending night school. Winslet meanwhile is approaching 40 and is resentful that her fledgling acting career has given way to a life of washing dishes.

Things look up for Kate however when she’s spotted walking the beach by Timberlake who quickly starts boffing her under the boardwalk. Kate falls for the lifeguard who himself is looking to further his writing aspirations. Things reach a head when Trousersnake takes a shine to Juno and the mob, in the shape of Paulie Walnuts and Bobby Bacala, start to zero in on their target. While the doomed love affair(s) survive and can happiness be found while the wheel keeps on turning?

I was hoping for more from this film given its decent credentials, but it turned out to be a sub par ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ with all of the shouting and lost ambition but none of the drama or characters.

Winslet was decent in the lead but she fell apart at the end with her motivations flying all over the place. “I’ve been drinking” she slurs at one point - well that’s no excuse really. Jim Belushi basically yells his whole script in a dirty vest and I was expecting him to bellow ‘Stellla!’ at any point. Timberlake’s character was thinly written - they tried to pitch him as a wannabe Eugene O’Neill but he was basically an extra from ‘Baywatch’ banging the local talent.

The script, which saw laughable mob hit men stalking the boardwalk, was poor and the line between drama and comedy was breached several times. I think this was mostly unintentional, although the fire raising child did have a couple of moments of levity to break the kitchen sink drama.

The costumes and locations were decent although the main apartment was obviously a set and the summer set film looked like it had been shot in the middle of the winter.

Overall it was a decent distraction, but ultimately a disappointment and another to add to the lengthy footnotes of Allen’s career.

Best Bit : Under the Boardwalk with Kate ‘W’ rating 13/23

 

No.339 : Wildling (2018)

 

Wildling at the IMDb

Here’s a film that flirts with a few genres but ultimately is a bit unsatisfying and undefined.

Tiny tot Anna lives in a cabin in the woods. ‘Daddy’ brings her food but she’s not allowed to leave lest ‘the wildlings’ get her. They are described as children eating savages and Anna has to make do with peeking out her window throughout her childhood. As she enters puberty and has her first period ‘Daddy’ starts to give her injections that make her sick. Eventually she begs to be allowed to go to ‘the better place’ and ‘Daddy brings in his gun. He’s not up to the task and decides to shoot his own head off instead.

The now teen Anna is discovered and coaxed back to civilisation by Liv Tyler’s policewoman character, who’s more of a social worker than a cop. Strangely the social services let Liv take Anna home where she meets Liv’s brother, Ray.

The film then shifts from what appeared to be a kidnap and abuse story to one of someone trying to integrate into society having never experienced it before - a bit like ‘Encino Man’. We get the usual bitchy girls and school bullies and soon Anna blossoms and goes to a cool party with Ray where she gets a bit of kissy face - but wait! Her teeth start falling out and when she runs off to the woods she rips the throat out of a would be rapist.

It’s soon clear that we are in the realms of the supernatural with Anna being one of the wildlings that she was once taught to fear. As she slowly transforms she has to deal with hunters, her admirer and ‘Daddy’ who it turns out is as good at suicide as he was at parenting.

I liked the first hour of this film but it lost it’s way in a haze of ropey CGI effects and confused character development. It reminded me of the TV show ‘Grimm’ with supernatural goings on running parallel with everyday life. The town has a man with a wolf’s head hat walking about with no issues as well as a well armed posse of wildling hunters who seem to have a free rein to shoot up and burn anything they like. No wonder as sheriff Liv Tyler is as effective as an umbrella in a hurricane.

Bel Powley was pretty good in the main role of Anna, with her bulbous eyes and bewildered looks selling the character’s introduction into the real world. She was let down with the transformation effects which gave her a hairy back and a bad manicure. Later on she went full wolf, and it looked more animated than Wile E Coyote.

There were probably three films boiled into one here, with the first of the locked up girl being the most interesting although somewhat reminiscent of ‘Room’. Later on the high school element was a bit overly familiar with the transformation and hunt portion being faintly daft.

All in all it was a decent and entertaining offering with a few wrong foots sprinkled about to keep you guessing.

Best Bit : Opening 20 minutes ‘W’ Rating 14/23

No.338 : Whiplash (2014)

Whiplash at the IMDb

 Oh good ‘whiplash’? - that’s either going to be about kinky sex or that bloke in Iron Man 2. Jazz drumming you say? Good stuff!

The ‘whiplash’ of the title is in fact a jazz piece that requires a lot of fast drumming and one that won’t be on my Spotify play list any time soon. The film is however a triumph and even if you have a strong aversion to jazz you’ll still find a lot to like here.

Miles Teller, of   War Dogs fame plays Andrew, a student at a prestigious New York music school. He lives alone with his Dad and goes to see films with him. He has no friends, possibly because he plays jazz drums, but does manage to ask out the concession stand girl at the movies.

He aspires to get in the school band run by J. Jonah Jamieson himself, J.K. Simmons but the teacher is a hard taskmaster. He sets Andrew challenges and plays him off his fellow drummers in the hope of getting the best out of him. From the outside he appears to be a bully but he is only trying to give the world the next jazz great by making his protégée really earn the accolades he craves.

There are a lot of drumming solos and training montages as Andrew's hands bleed at the workload. Things come to a head when Andrew gets some whiplash of his own in a car accident on the way to a contest where he manages to get on stage despite bleeding all over. He attacks his teacher when stood down and is expelled from school.

News comes out of another student who killed himself under the pressures placed on him by his teacher and Andrew is pressured into testifying against his mentor. Will he do so? and are the sacrifices demanded worth the cost?

This is a cracking study of obsession and, even if you hate jazz, you can’t help but be impressed with the passion and dedication on show. The music is mostly a noise to me but Simmons is excellent as the maniac teacher throwing furniture and finding fault in every offering. Teller looks a lot older than his character’s 19 years (he was 25 at the time) and he maybe doesn’t seem as vulnerable as a result. His romantic subplot goes nowhere, apart from showing what a solitary life it is that he is aspiring to.

The finale is a bit drawn out and self indulgent and to be honest if I’d bought a ticket for the concert I’d have been in the bar long before the drawn out drum solo got halfway. Still they go to jazz concerts and get what they deserve.

Simmons rightly won the Oscar for his performance, but strangely for Best Supporting actor - that must have been politics as this was basically a two-hander throughout. I liked the direction and editing that kept my interest, even when we were treated to another few bars of ‘whiplash’ for the twentieth time.

It may annoy your neighbours but this is an enjoyable and well made film with two excellent performances and a fine study on going that extra mile for perfection.

Best Bit : Losing the CDW  ‘W’ Rating 18/23

No.337 : Wheels of Fortune (2020)

 

Wheels of Fortune at the IMDb

Badger out of ‘Breaking Bad’ stars in this redneck inheritance comedy which registered a single smile with this viewer. We open with Jeff Fahey, who we liked in ‘Machete’, out for a sky dive. His chute and backup fail but he is saved by a friend who  grabs him and eases him back towards Earth. Sadly the rescuer’s parachute is cut by a drone, but at least he softens Jeff’s landing. It’s not Jeff’s day however as he is then hit by a truck and seemingly fatally injured.

He runs a large company and his grasping children arrive at his bedside to hear who will inherit the business. Instead they are told of his long lost son Bo (Badger) who was the product of him slumming it some years ago. Bo is a mechanic for a tractor pull champion and he still laments the day when the lack of a clutch cable meant he couldn’t win the big race as a child, sending him on a losing spiral that has persisted ever since.

His fortunes look up however when Jeff, who has died off-screen, sends his lawyer to Bo to offer a challenge, the like that is only ever heard of in movies. The challenge is that if Bo can get a podium finish in four races over the next month he will inherit something that isn’t really specified. He isn’t keen at first, but the offer of $100 a day expenses for him, his idiot friend Noodle, and the love interest Mandy seals the deal.

The film then takes many predictable turns with the conniving relatives trying to stop Bo’s progress, him becoming an ‘internet sensation’ and of course him losing sight of what’s really important. With three podium finishes in the bag it all comes down to the monster truck racing - can Bo win the challenge? And what inevitable surprises lies in wait?

This was an awful Netflix find that has very little to recommend it. It was like a mash up between ‘Brewster’s Millions’ and ‘Run Ronnie Run’ but not nearly as enjoyable as either. It was a comedy, so the ridiculous premise can be excused to some degree, but how does a guy who dies unexpectedly manage to have an elaborate plan all set up, including a message dispensing suitcase and a schedule set up that begins the day of his untimely demise? That’s your clue actually; I just wonder if in real life the lawyers would tell him to piss off with the relatives getting him declared mental from the off.

Badger is kinda likable in the lead but his shtick runs thin early on and he doesn’t have what it takes to hold the whole thing together. The conniving relatives weren’t menacing at all and their characters were underwritten. I did like love interest Mandy, but she could have done without the inflated lips.

The only chuckle raised with me was the wise ticket collector who got the sack for dispensing sage advice. Other than that it was a dull ride though various motor sports with real footage inter-cut with our hero doing the ‘driving’.

The redneck humour offered no laughs with exchanges like ‘It’s a retinal scan’ / ‘You’re not sticking that up my butt’ being the standard on offer. If you are on your third bottle of wine you may snigger at the man being trapped in a porta-potty, but this was low brow fare that won’t last ten minutes in the memory.

Best Bit : ‘You're fired’  ‘W’ Rating 7/23

No.336 : Where’s the Love? (2014)

Where's the Love? at the IMDb

No, it’s nothing to do with the Black Eyed Peas’ song - they didn’t use the contraction in any event. This is a made for TV movie about relationships and yes, we have scraped the barrel so far in our ‘W’ movie quest that we are through the base and nearing the Earth’s core.

Our lovely leads are Sebastian and Ryan (a lady) who are a married couple who host a successful daytime talk show called ’Where’s the Love’ [ Ron Howard voice : That’s the name of the film!] that deals with failing marriages. They are both doctors and dispense wisdom and advice to their guests who have issues in their relationships. The big twist is however that our couple also have issues of their own! Can the physicians heal themselves?

The couple survived a rocky period in their marriage when Seb had an affair. The couples’ agent and producers keep pressurising them on take on new jobs and tours meaning they have to shore up their relationship’s crumbling façade whilst never fixing what is at the heart of their dilemmas.

Things come to a head when they are ambushed at a book launch with pictures of Seb out with the same model with whom he had the affair. Ryan ditches his ass and gets her long hair cut to show the changes she plans on making. Seb gets bumped from the show which is rebranded as a programme for divorcees with Ryan hosting solo.

Seb meanwhile gets a job on radio and releases his own book about men making bad choices. Whilst we wait for the inevitable reconciliation there is a side plot of the agent and producer who hate each other but are slowly building respect and maybe feeling a little more? When will all the principals have a big kiss and let this thing be over? Not quickly enough!

This was a horrible cheesy film about relationships that was intercut with captions cards offering wry homilies which were clearly designed for woman to nudge their long suffering spouses and say ‘That’s you that is’. You also have short clips of couples talking about their own relationship issues, just in case the central relationship issues spine of the film wasn’t enough for you.

In truth the film was basically marriage guidance dressed up as entertainment. I wasn’t entertained at all and the ending was so pat and unearned that you are left feeling that they must have run out of money and just jettisoned the previous 80 minutes of character development to just say ‘and they lived happily ever after’. Nothing of substance or value was learned, with the ‘secret’ of a good relationship being declared as 'honesty and communication'. And not boffing models, I’d imagine.

This isn’t a film directed at my demographic and I’m sure some will take the homilies to heart and decide to work at their relationship just as their partner is trying to leave via the bathroom window.

The production values were decent and the cast mostly likeable, but the material was thin and the message patronising. Seek your therapy elsewhere!

Best Bit : They were taken last week!  ‘W’ Rating 6/23

 

No.335 : What the Waters Left Behind (2017)

What the Waters Left Behind at the IMDb

As our regular reader will attest, we are not adverse to the odd foreign film here at the ‘W’ Movie Blog and, with that in mind, let’s head south to Argentina for this derivative murder fest.

We get some exposition to start as we learn of a small village that was beset by rising flood waters. It had to be forcibly evacuated by the military before it was totally engulfed with the population displaced - or where they? Obviously not.

Many years later a documentary film crew have returned to the village which has recently re-emerged, due to the falling floodwaters. They are pretty low rent, relying on an ancient VW camper van and some limited equipment. They have in tow a young woman who was a refugee from the village, and the plan is to capture her memories of the once vibrant town.

On the journey to the village we get to know our six victims, er, filmmakers, who have the usual list of quirks and character points such as love rivals and a small poodle owner. Yappy dug is definitely getting it.

They stop off at a small petrol station and visit the worst toilet this side of ‘Trainspotting’. The attendants are all a bit strange, especially the old woman who insists that they buy her pies in exchange for her ‘clearing up their shit. On the evidence seen, not much shit gets cleared up, even on a good day.

Our heroes get ripped off on the fuel and window screen wipe down so they roar off yelling abuse and ditching the rancid pies - huge mistake!

At the village things go OK at first with the refugee showing the team around and recounting some interesting tales. Their van however breaks down and it’s clear someone has cut the petrol pipe. They make the standard error of splitting up and soon they start to fall afoul of some colourful locals and a snake. As their numbers inevitably whittle down, we wonder who will survive and whether the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ people have their copyright infringement lawsuit ready to go.

I think if this film was in English it would have been easier to dismiss as a clear knockoff in an already crowed survival horror genre. As it was, the Spanish language and exotic locations kept me interested or at least reading the subtitles.

It’s clear early on that the villains of the piece were a ‘Sawney Bean’ type cannibal family, with the gas station pies the first hint that maybe the vegan option wasn’t so bad. They revealed themselves gradually, and the look of sheep skull hats and massive cudgels was quite impressive and very ‘Silent Hill’.

The big surprise was nothing of the sort and I was only caught unawares as it was actually presented as such and not just assumed. The locations were excellent for the first hour with what looked like a real life disaster zone being used. Once the action decamped to an obvious set for the cannibals lair I lost interest and the film any momentum that it had earned.

There were a few bone crunching kills but nothing you haven’t seen before and better in films like ‘Wolf Creek’.

Overall this was an interesting pastime but it offered little new apart from some inventive locations and costumes. I’d seek my thrills elsewhere if I were you.

Best Bit : ‘Nearly Done’  ‘W’ Rating 11/23