No.228 : Warning Shot (1967)

Warning Shot at the IMDb

David Janssen leads a stellar cast in this 1967 police drama. Technically it should be called ‘No Warning Shot’ but let’s save the nit picking until after the plot summary.

Janssen plays Sergeant Tom Valens who is on a stake out with his partner as the film opens. They are supposedly looking for a psycho killer but they should probably be after the man with the rogue smoke machine instead. They discuss how foggy it is but it looks more like bonfire night. Janssen spots a suspicious character who runs when challenged. Our man soon has him cornered but when the felon moves to draw a gun Janssen shots first sending him into the swimming pool of the apartment complex.

So far so good, but wait? An ID check shows the shot man to be a doctor who was visiting an elderly patient and more worryingly there is no gun. Things quickly spiral downwards for Janssen as he is suspended and the public want his head - this is well demonstrated with interviews with placard wielding protesters some of whom suggest white policemen may get an easier ride - glad things have changed since the 1960’s!

Criminal charges are soon brought and, unwilling to accept a plea, Janssen tries to unravel the life of his victim to see if he really is the good man all seem to think he is. Whilst this is going on he also has to deal with him impending divorce from the lovely Joan Collins - can things get any worse?!

The investigation is well done with a few red herrings thrown in such as woman killed in the same apartment complex due to an illegal abortion which turns out to be unconnected to our case. Other angles include a nutty old lady with a penchant for dog toys, a playboy pilot and a young Stefanie Powers who lacks her ‘Hart to Hart’ hair but still brightens up the screen.

The pieces slowly fall together but who can be trusted and where is that darn gun?

I liked this gritty crime drama. There was no sex or swearing but it was a seamy slice of LA life with some decent brutality thrown in for good measure. The simple premise was laid out at the start and although the film’s sympathies clearly lie with Janssen, the pivotal scene at the start is shot in such a way that we, the audience, aren’t sure if the gun ever really existed.

The detection was good although the resolution was a little bit improbable for my liking. Janssen was a compelling lead and although not that sympathetic, his tough guy with values won me over. He also gets smoochy with Joan Collins but casts her away when she’s half out of her dress - that man has strength! The cast also has Ed Begley, Sam Wanamaker, Walter Pidgeon and  Lillian Gish - Lillian Gish this film is not!

Things do play out as you’d expect but I was wrong footed a couple of times and the pace and drama kept me interested throughout. Well worth checking out.

Best Bit : Joan shows a bra strap!  ‘W’ Score : 18/23

No.227 : When Time Ran Out… (1980)

When Time Ran Out at the IMDb

If you thought spoof disaster movies started with ‘Airplane’ you should check out this turkey that predated it by a few weeks in 1980. It is laughably bad and all the more so for having some Hollywood heavyweights playing it straight. It’s from disaster maker and cookie cutter extraordinaire Irwin Allen and you could play bingo with it, checking off clichés as the film plods along.

Paul Newman stars as an oil driller. For some reasons he’s doing this on a volcanic island next to a luxury hotel. Not even that, he’s actually drilling for oil in the volcano’s ‘dormant’ crater. Can you guess what goes wrong kids?

Before be get to the lamentable action we are first introduced to the cavalcade of stars who are wheeled in with their improbable back stories. The best is Burgess Meredith who is a renowned, but retired, tight rope walker. What a waste of time telling us that, there's no way will that be relevant! We also meet a slightly haggard Jacqueline Bisset and a bored Barbara Carrera, both of whom are after Paul Newman’s affections. You also get William Holden as the gruff hotel owner and some guy as his hot headed son - I can only assume Richard Chamberlain was engaged elsewhere. Other luminaries include Red Buttons, Mr Miyagi off ‘The Karate Kid’, who was unintelligible, and Ernest Borgnine who plays ‘Tom Conti’ he was rubbish ; didn’t mention ‘Rummikub’ once!

The action gets under way when the drillers hit oil two minutes after Paul Newman arrives. They are understandably happy but this soon dissipates when Paul tells them all to pack up. He’s worried the oil strike may reactivate the dormant volcano. Why he didn’t think of this before they set up all the drills wasn’t explored. Anyway, his greedy men, who have families to feed, insist on keeping the well open and Paul reluctantly agrees. Huge mistake!

With indecent haste the volcano goes nuclear and sets off special effects of literary pathetic proportions. There is a massive tsunami which involves some extras getting a bucket of water thrown over them and an earthquake that puts a medium sized gash in the road. Of course this is a disaster movie so that vital staple, panicky idiots, hove into view and storm the helicopter in a laugh a moment scene that eventually sees a poor model give up its life.

This volcano has attitude though and soon it is raining fireballs down on the hotel - not much of a neighbour but what a critic! It has good aim though and gets a direct hit on Tom Conti, sorry Borgnine. He spends the rest of the film swathed in bandages so he may have sneaked off set early, having bribed someone to take his place.

With chaos all around Newman takes charge. He tells the folk in the fancy hotel that they’ll need to move but gets shouted down due to his lack of success in keeping his oil workers safe - which is fair enough really. Newman manages to get a few of the principals to go with him on a perilous mission to cross the island to safety via a large and unconvincing studio set. Safety beckons just over a rickety bridge but who will survive? And when it is down to a single beam will all hope be lost or does anyone have a special talent that may come in handy? Especially if there is a finely crafted and balanced pole nearby…

This film was so relentlessly rubbish that I actually quite enjoyed it. It was so by the numbers the must have crossed out ‘boat’ and ‘building’ on their one script and stuck in ‘volcano’ instead. Why the hotel guests never went with the ‘A’ list star beggared belief. That said their final fate was worth the admission price alone!

Newman looked embarrassed throughout and did nothing to get us involved with his character. He was a reckless love cheat and a poor negotiator and to top it all was wearing large Cuban heels. The rest of the cast were as bad with pass marks being awarded to no one apart from the hotel guests who bravely tried to leave the film in the helicopter.

The special effects were dreadful with a science fair volcano occasionally spouting some smoke the height of the pyrotechnics. They did invest a lot in the bridge which served in the interminable finale. For some reason the thick planks kept snapping despite no sign of fire of singeing on them - must be those dramatic licence planks we’ve all heard about. It was however a highlight when the tight rope walker stepped up, but only after a few bit parts took a dive into the lava below.

I hadn’t heard of this film until it turned up in one of my ‘W’ trawls and rightfully so - it was poorly made, had terrible acting and was only a couple of gags short of beating ‘Airplane!’ to the punch.

Best Bit - If only I could find a pole - Oh here’s one!
7/23

No.226 : Why Stop Now? (2012)

Why Stop Now? at the IMDb

There’s no question mark on this movie’s poster but it appears on the title card at the end, and that’s good enough for us!

That poster is all wrong - it also contains the sub-title ‘A funny thing happened on the way to rehab’ and that’s patently false advertising!

Jesse Eisenberg plays Eli, a piano playing prodigy who looks after his drug addled mother while battling with demons of his own. The film opens with his arriving at an important audition for a select school with a cut hand. His teacher tries to calm him down from his hyper state and we are taken back a day to see how we arrived at this situation.

Things start at a teenage party where we witness Jesse’s social awkwardness amongst his peers and especially girls. He manages to impress with some virtuoso piano playing before spewing up - you hardly ever get that with Richard Clayderman! He has some chat with a girl who clearly likes him before heading off home to his demanding mother.

Mum is due to check into rehab the next day and Jesse sees this as a way to get her off his hands so that he can start a new life at his fancy school. Things fall apart however when Mum’s pee tests positive for nothing meaning she can’t get the state sponsored care she needs. A nurse tells her that if she can get high and ‘fail’ the drugs test she can get into the facility and Jesse can get on with his plans.

From here things start to fall apart in a predictable manner. Mother and son try to buy drugs but the dealers are out of stock. Jesse’s command of Spanish allows a deal to be set up but can the drugs be sourced, the mother committed , the girl won and audition passed?

This was an OK ‘one crazy day’ type film but I never felt invested in Jesse’s frantic and random character. I got that he was at least as mixed up as his Mom but it was hard to care when his annoying mannerisms and selfish behaviour were all that we were offered. There was a degree of redemption reached but he still came across as a dick who was making bad choices. I mean who would agree to go and broker a drug deal for some random and dangerous dealers?

That said the dealers were very nice and would no doubt be chased out of business in five minutes in the real world. One was the ‘Sheeeeit’ guy from ‘The Wire’ and he didn’t even do his line! Melissa Leo was pretty good as the hippy Mom but the potential girl friend was as wet as an otter’s pocket and clearly not worth the effort.

The piano playing was good and having the final scenes set amongst a Revolutionary War re-enactment added a bit of colour, but over all this was a bit dull with no laughs at all. Why Stop Now? Because we all got bored after half an hour!

‘W’ Score 14/23
Best Bit - Party Puking Recital

No.225 - We Are the Freaks (2013)

We Are The Freaks at the IMDb

You get a lot of unheard of British films showing up on Netflix - it’s almost like they found a big skip of them behind a closed down Blockbuster store. I’ve watched a few and they are invariably rubbish - check out ‘Full English Breakfast’ if you want a prime example. Most of these films concern what Alan Partridge would term ‘Bad Slags’ with gangsters and football hooligans taking centre stage at a performance no one is watching. Except me.

‘We Are the Freaks’ doesn’t bode well with its poster showing a gaggle of yoof in front of the Union flag which has largely been hijacked by those promoting racism and intolerance. On that front it surprised me - there was no real violence and not much swearing - unfortunately there wasn’t much else either.

The film opens with Jamie Blackley doing narration whilst his character Jack walks down the street. You quickly see that the film will be somewhat subversive when he says he hates voice-overs and stock footage just as they show stock footage of Margaret Thatcher. Bit of politics and self deprecation there! He also draws a gun and shoots a Goth but it’s alright he’s only fantasising. He’s a frustrated wannabe writer stuck in a dead end job and his flights of fancy take him out of his dull existence.

He has similarly disenfranchised friends in the shape of Chunks, who has stolen his brother's Porsche, and Parsons who is in a relationship with the funny looking secretary off ‘Life’s Too Short’. The lads plan a big night out and, after scoring some drugs from Tyres out of ‘Spaced’, they crash a posh party hosted by the parents of Jack’s fantasy love who we know is too good for him as she’s always playing musical instruments when we see her - classy, you understand.

As you’d expect the night doesn’t go to plan with the three lads separating to have their own adventure. There are all pretty low key with one stealing a flag, one busting his banjo string whist having pretty sedate sex and the third wondering if he should open an envelope - it’s certainly not from the Academy Awards Committee I can tell you!

This is an obviously low budget affair so you can forgive some of its shortcomings, but not enough happens to justify even its skinny 74 minutes run time. The first ten minutes were promising but it soon descended into a predictable ‘one wild night’ story that wasn’t particularly wild or memorable. No one had a story arc to speak of and it came across as just a bunch or random stuff that happened and that’s it.

The only memorable scene was Tyres taking down some neds in a kebab shop and possibly Warwick Davis’ secretary riding a young man to destruction with her party frock on. The two leads have been on ‘Skins’ which I’m not familiar with but at least they had the man who liked strawberry jam out of ‘Sex Lives of the Potato Men’ to keep me somewhat amused.

Overall this looked like a film school project bolstered by a couple of familiar faces from the D list. It wasn’t terrible but it also had nothing whatsoever to recommend it.

Best Bit : Kebab Shop Kafuffle  ‘W’ Rating 9/23

No.224 : What’s the Worst That Could Happen? (2001)

What’s the Worst That Could Happen? at the IMDb

 What’s the Worst That Could Happen? Well making a sequel to this piece of garbage springs to mind. If that comment seems somewhat predictable I can only say, in my defence, that the film started it.

The frankly never funny Martin Lawrence stars as Kevin, a career thief who scouts auctions for information and potential targets. He scores points off an appraiser by telling her that both her designer glasses and star lot are fakes before taking his wisdom to the auction itself. He spots a pretty girl and, on learning that she is selling a treasured painting to pay her bills steals it from the winning bidder. He then returns it to the lady before receiving some sexy payment in return.

At this early stage the moral compass of the film is set when he tells the lady in a post coital chat that he stole the painting and she thinks he’s a stand up guy for doing so. In a world where black people are often stereotyped as thieves and robbers this is dubious at best especially as every black character in the film has similar moral values ; but he makes wisecracks so that’s OK.

Time passes and Kevin and his acting talent free squeeze have moved in together. He has not done any stealing for a while much to the chagrin of his fence, the late Bernie Mac. His pal John Leguizamo tells him about an easy score at Danny DeVito’s house but this soon goes awry and DeVito takes from him his lucky ring that the new girlfriend gave him. The rest of the film takes up the pointless cat and mouse chase as Kevin and DeVito try to outsmart each other to get the ring and stay ahead of flamboyant police Detective William Finchner

This has to be the worst film I have seen in a long time. It is clearly made for morons with pratfalls and the most obvious gags you have ever seen. For example that ancient one where he says ‘There’s no way you are coming on this trip’ just before a cut to a scene where they are on that trip - yeah that’s there. You also get the slackest, most improbable plot allied with characters who have motivations that defy belief. If DeVito is this mega-businessman answering to Senate committees why is he squabbling with a house breaker? Don’t there guys have people to take care of that kind of thing?

Still to get bogged down in semantics does this film a service it doesn’t deserve. It is unfunny, poorly plotted, terribly scripted and downright offensive - why is it acceptable to dress up as Arabs and do funny voices? The tea towel on the head went out in the 1970’s!

The only mild amusement for me, apart from seeing name actors making a fool of themselves, was the funny sign language interpreter and that was stolen wholesale form ‘Airplane!’.

The end kind of summed up the whole enterprise for me when Lawrence appeared in an outsized afro wig and said ‘I’m a black male, not a blackmailer’. Yes, it was that terrible.

‘W’ Score 3/23
Best Bit : ‘The End’

No.223 : Wild Horses (2015)

Wild Horses at the IMDb

 Robert Duvall wrote, directed and starred in this contemporary western and had his wife cast in the lead - so is this a showcase for his undoubted skills or a dull vanity project that merits its IMDb score of 4/10?

Duvall plays an ageing Texan rancher who bears the weight of secrets of the past. His gay son’s lover disappeared 15 years previously and a new lady Texas Ranger is keen to reopen the case. What she unearths starts other family skeletons to be rattled from the closet and something has to give.

The film opens in flashback and we’re not clear how the boy died, only that Duvall was there at the time. An undercurrent runs throughout the film that he may have been killed die to redneck intolerances to homosexuality but they seemed keen to skirt round the issue with only passing references to James Franco’s character being gay, and there weren’t any love scenes for him or discussions on his situation. It did shine through that Duvall was the screenwriter as it almost seemed like an old fashioned ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ when the film was crying out for the prejudices to be explored. Still he did duff up some homophobes in a bar, so that’s all right then.

Duvall’s wife Luciana isn’t convincing as the no-nonsense Ranger who smells a Duvall shaped rat and sets her sights on him. English clearly isn’t her first language and her delivery is one note and emotion free. She does get a couple of action scenes, including a low rent car chase, but her part is thin. Her deductions don’t always ring true, but to be fair she says hello to Duvall and straight away he has the hit men on her - not exactly the subtle approach!

Other plot threads that get exposed but not necessarily resolved include corrupt policeman who are dealing drugs with border crossing Mexicans and the paternity of their Mexican looking friend who has lived with them for years but definitely not the result of Duvall getting jiggy with the staff.

The cast was impressive but they get nothing much to do. Josh Hartnett is wasted as the second son and I find it hard to remember any meaningful scene he took part in. The usually good James Franco has nothing to work with in what should have been a good and conflicted character. He seemed nonplussed at his boyfriend disappearing and his reaction at the eventual resolution was muted at best.

I didn’t buy into the dialogue either with lots of improbably moving and articulate speeches being utter by characters who were meant to be red necks or 'good old boy' type farmhands. Duvall talks real slow, as is his way, but he lacked the gravitas and deep rooted resentment that his character was supposed to demonstrate.

Overall this was a wasted opportunity. They had a great cast and locations and a potentially interesting plot, but what was delivered was a flat and wordy borefest that I’ve largely forgotten already.

‘W’ Score - 10/23
Best Bit - Rednecks don’t read the script and start a bar fight

No.222 : Where the Heart Is (2000)

Where the Heart Is at the IMDb

This was an early starring role for the then 19 year old Natalie Portman and although she doesn’t quite pull off the full range demanded of the character she does a decent job with limited material - a bit like many of her dresses!

Natalie plays Novalee a trailer trash teenager who is pregnant to her loser boyfriend. ‘Trailer trash’ isn’t my generalisation - it’s rote large in the film from their trailer to their toothless relations and the mullets on display. Strangely Natalie has all her teeth, is well spoken (albeit in an unconvincing drawl) and lacks any visible tattoos - still it is Hollywood!

Natalie and her man, Willy Jay, set off on a road trip in his beat up car. He’s clearly buying it in instalments as it doesn’t have a floor. This minor structural defect causes Natalie to lose her shoes and sends the hapless couple to Wal-Mart where she gets some tasteful flip-flops. Things are going well until she gets her $5.55 change and we remember that she has a phobia of the digit ‘5’ - remember that for later folks as anytime number 5 is mentioned bad things happen. Actually, don’t bother remembering as it flashes up like a bingo number being called, with endless repetition.

Anyway the 5 phobia holds true and Natalie leaves the store to find her boyfriend gone and her left with her large baby bump and a few dollars. Short of inspiration and maybe because she saw ‘The Terminal’ she decides to live in the store using the stock for her camp out. The film tries to suggest she’s not robbing them blind as she writes down her purchases in a notebook but tell that to the judge - didn’t work for me and all those TVs!

In seconds of movie time the baby is born and she becomes an instant celebrity as ‘The Wall-Mart’ mum - must have been a slow news week. Her Mom shows up in the shape of Sally Field just long enough to rob her of her new found money and to come out with what must be the worst line ever uttered “They’re all pricks in California, they should call it Prickifornia’ - solid gold. It’s not all bad however as she meets nice nurse Ashley Judd and starts a friendship that will last the length of the film

Meanwhile we also follow the runaway boyfriend’s fortune as he tries to become a music star in the care of an underused Joan Cusack. Although we know the couple will cross paths down the line his plot strands seem pointless and distracting. Natalie is however doing better and learning photography from the ‘Franks and Beans’ guy out of ‘There’s Something About Mary’ and getting babysitting help from a chap called Forney who is just a friend and not a romantic interest. Really.

As Natalie stands strong against the pressures of life, with just endless homilies to keep her safe, we wonder who she’ll end up with and whether her daughter’s 5th birthday will live up to all that foreshadowing.

I didn’t mind this film but there wasn’t an awful lot to recommend it. It’s kind of a slice of life with a troubled girl makes good theme. It takes place over several years and Natalie never ages or gains weight - apart from the ‘pregnancy’ cushion being whipped out after 10 minutes. We’re meant to sympathise with her years of struggle but I never bought into that, mainly because of the jarring jumps in the narrative that sees things move at a rate that defies any emotional involvement.

The characters and situations are weak with the romantic trajectory of the two leads obvious from the off. They keep getting let down by those bad boys…wait what about those nice men who have been hanging about for so long?!

There are some decent bits and I especially like the trailer trash standard of the tornado emergency - do those doors in the ground leading to cellars ever work?

The dialogue was poor however and at times downright unbelievable - the mulleted wannabe rock star, who falls afoul of a train, came out with some lovely meaningful chat which rang so untrue it would have been better if he’d have spoken it in Klingon!

The film runs to near two hours and it outstayed its welcome long before the inevitable happy ending. Not so much ‘Where the Heart Is’ as ‘Where’s the Remote Control? There Must Be Something better On’.




Best Bit - Tornado  Alert - where's Grandma?!
'W' Score - 15/23