No. 132 : We Don’t Live Here Anymore (2004)

We Don't Live Here Anymore at the IMDb

It was only when I checked the IMDb page for this film that I realised that I’d seen it before. A further check of my records revealed I saw it at Cineworld on22nd June 2005 and awarded it a decent 7/10. On looking back that score may have been generous as I saw it in a double bill with Paris Hilton starrer ‘House of Wax’, but given it has been excised from my memory can’t bode too well for the rewatching.

I actually quite enjoyed it the second time around but beware it involves relationships so don’t watch it with a partner if you want to avoid an earnest discussion afterwards. The film involves the relationships and inter relationships between two couples. Peter Krause (Nate out of ‘Six Feet Under’) is married to Naomi Watts and works as a teacher and an aspiring writer. His wife is having a secret affair with her husband’s best friend, Mark Ruffalo.

Ruffalo is having a career break but is forced back to work by his wife’s love of lobster and lazing around a lot. Money is a bit tight and the cause of arguments and means he has to do his secret shagging on a rug in the woods. He thinks his wife is a bit lazy around the house and a bit too fond of the booze. The affair soon starts to expand the cracks in the already shaky relationships and Dern reveals that Nate had made a pass at her during a dinner party.

With everyone very educated and civilised there is no question of a punch up and the two men seem to have an unspoken agreement to let the other pump his wife. Clearly this can’t go on and after a few emotional blow outs things start to fall apart. Who will stay with who and for what reason?

That quick summary makes the film sound very earnest and talk heavy and that’s because it is. You do get four solid performances for your money but you will have to decide whether four good looking yuppies shagging around and shouting a lot is your idea of a fun night in. I know there’s a lot of subtext about the human condition and how our consumer lead lifestyle has lead to people becoming emotional cripples but would one decent car chase have hurt?

It’s hard to have much sympathy for any of them, apart from maybe the kids who have to put up with a lot of yelling and pee soaked beds. Of the four Dern attracts most of our goodwill early on as she’s the only one happy with her lot, but it isn’t long before she’s going for it like the best of them. Must be something in the water.

The relationship between the two men seemed a bit strange with their respective affairs not really bothering them at all. It may be that they’d see the hypocrisy in such a stance but that wouldn’t really ring true. Perhaps they love each other more than their naggy wives, which I could understand. Although there is a lot of sex going on it is all of that modest variety which given the loose morals on show seems a bit strange. There is some coarse language bandied about and at times it’s like a doubled up, poor man’s ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?’. I like most of the talent on show but the emotionally draining script and depressing outlook means this is one where a third visit won’t be happening. Well maybe next year when I’ll have forgotten it all again.

Best Bit : If you go down to the woods today
‘W’ Rating : 12/23

No.131 : Walk Like A Man (1987)

Walk Like a Man at the IMDb


We have done some bottom feeding to keep the ‘W’ quest alive but we lowered our already non existent standards to sit through this pile o’ shite.

The film opens in an unconvincing snow covered wilderness with a gold prospector trying to get his family to safety before the weather closes in. We can tell from the off that his older son is a right bastard as he kicks the dogs when setting up the sled. As the family travel through the rather pleasant looking wilderness the bad son knocks his baby brother off the sled so he can have a comfy ride.

Luckily for the baby, and not for the audience, a pack of wolves find the tot and rather than eat it they raise it as their own. 28 years later a conservationist is in the woods studying wolves and she comes across the now grown baby who managed to knock himself out an a log cabin. Amazingly the boy hasn’t been declared legally dead and his $30 million inheritance is still waiting for him. This isn’t good news for his now grown sibling, Christopher Lloyd who has pissed away his share of the cash.

The wolf boy is invited into the family home and a predictable series of scrapes follow where the brother first tries to kill him and then tries to declare him incompetent so he can get the cash. As this is going on wolfie is being taught to talk by the conservationist who may be falling for him too. As the court date approaches we have to wonder if the wolf boy will get the money or whether it will go to the nasty conniving brother and his drunk wife.

I appreciate we’ve called a few films out as being the worst ever and really dreadful but this one really takes the biscuit. It is so unfunny you’ll cringe at the efforts at humour and the three acts are so defined it’s a surprise they didn’t put up caption cards. Howie Mandel, who now presents ‘Deal or no Deal’ in America and frankly this film is one offer he should have refused. He doesn’t utter a word for the first 45 minutes and that’s a blessing as when he talks it as a simpleton trying to elicit sympathy from an audience long since tired at his ‘antics’.

The innocent abroad angle is played to death with our man humorously trying to learn how to use an escalator and toys. The passers-by are amused by the antics while we watching hide behind our fingers at the embarrassment on show. The love angle with the conservationist is horrendous and when she tells him that teaching him has taught her more about herself I defy you not to barf.

Howie Mandel is shocking in the lead with his physical comedy basically amounting to crawling around. It gets worse when he talks, uttering crappy dialogue like..a..poorly…programmed…robot. Christopher Lloyd is also poor as the villain who exudes all the menace of a small plum. If he was a bastard as suggested why doesn’t he get a hit man? Instead he relies on a pisspoor lawyer who lets surprise witnesses talk for way too long in court.


I’ve nothing against bad films that tried their best but this lazy predictable and unfunny rubbish is just plain insulting.

Best Bit : Ongoing neighbour’s wrecked driveway gag.
‘W’ Rating : 2/23

No. 130 : Witchery (1988)

Witchery at the IMDb

Here’s a little seen 1988 classic that stars David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair of ‘The Exorcist’ fame. The reasons for its relative anonymity are multifold but that’s not to say it doesn’t have a few guilty charms to offer.

We open with a pregnant woman in a flowing night gown on the run from a bunch of pitchfork wielding puritans. Their costumes look like cheap Halloween outfits but save your concerns for the woman as she’s clearly going to give birth to a cushion as her see through nightie reveals. She runs into an unfeasible modern looking building and then changes into a hairy stuntman as she jumps out of a window. As she plummets to her death Linda Blair wakes up and we see that she too is pregnant and has a similar taste in nightwear.

As she heads out she narrowly avoids some falling girders by an old woman who flashes a pendant like she’s hawking it on QVC. Meanwhile back at the colonial building, which we learn is on an island and has fallen into disrepair, The Hoff and his virgin girlfriend are having a look around. He is a photographer and his chaste friend is an expert on old myths and German folklore. They don’t have permission to be on the island and are worried when they spot a boat coming, which carries Linda, a precocious kid with a Sesame street tape recorder (remember that for later folks!), an estate agent, a horny architect lady and an old couple who have bought the place unseen - and in this economy too!

The captain of the boat is uneasy as the island is feared locally so it’s no surprise when he’s the first bumped off. With the cast now assembled at the haunted house the fun can begin and their numbers rapidly thin as the old bag with the fancy jewellery starts to work her magic. Some strange scenes ensue with Blair falling down a plug hole and a woman being eaten by a safe. These portals take them via the Dr Who titles to another world of baby eating and torture.

The boy manages to tape a satanic chant and our handy German translator works out three sacrifices are needed to resurrect someone or open something - it really wasn’t clear. With a pregnant woman and a virgin on show you can guarantee all the ingredients are there for mischief and it’s clear that it’s going to fall to the Hoff to save the day.

This film is clearly rubbish and to be honest I had no idea what gobbledegook was being spoken half the time. The other world, which was basically some curtains, was inhabited by some scabby people with a number of bad habits. The worst was sewing up lips which clearly impressed the producer as he stuck that on the poster rather than the Hoff’s rippling torso. It hardly matters that the lips wouldn’t have looked more fake if they had ‘ACME’ stamped across them.

The acting is really poor, matched only by the awfulness of the script. Long sequences didn’t make sense and the budget was so low that The Hoff had to attack himself with some sliding doors at one point. There were no real scares but a couple of inventive deaths made for a watchable, if desperately poor 90 minutes.

The best bit is at the end where the house starts to literally attack the remaining cast and Blair tries to resurrect her career by doing her Regan bit again, except with blow dried hair and a funnier voice. Of course its cheap and tacky as well as incomprehensible and daft but at least you’ll get some unintentional laughs, a tandooried woman and a couple eating a barbecued baby. Not bad for a night in!

Best Bit : Hoff consoles child with Irish accent
‘W’ Rating : 12/23

No. 129 : Wagon Master (1950)

Wagon Master at the IMDb

If you took every wild west cliché, stuck them in a blender and filmed the result you’d end up with something a lot like ‘Wagon Master’. It’s not a bad film as such but it has suffered from many of its elements becoming so familiar that you know pretty much what’s going to happen before the opening credits roll.

The film opens with a bank robbery with the miscreants escaping with one of their number wounded. We then switch to a pair of horse traders who are made an offer by a group of Mormons who plan to travel the desert to the new territories in the west. Our happy pair are reluctant at first but decide to help out when they consider the women and children rather than the hefty pay cheque.

The wagon train goes as expected with encounters with Indians and the bank robbers we saw earlier. The bad guys decide to take over the train for its food and water but when one of their number is lashed to appease the Indians we know some pay off is coming. As well as their bad guy guests the train also take on a lost group of medicine sellers who have a couple of saucy ladies in tow.

The perils are slight and although the baddies are of the moustache twirling variety they don’t offer much in the way of menace. The film is a relatively short 85 minutes and even this running time is padded with four songs. These Mormons are fun guys, going as far as to drag a dance floor out into the desert for their hoe down.

The film was directed by John Ford and you do get the sense that this rather throwaway effort was an exercise in testing locations and equipment for ‘Rio Grande’ which he made the same year at the same site in Monument Valley, Utah.

The cast are OK with the two leads a bit too nice to convince as pioneer horse traders. The burlesque ladies are similarly well appointed with nary an ankle on view. The best was Ward Bond as the Mormon Elder who was never far off swearing a blue streak. The bad guys were fun too with the buck toothed hill billy the pick of the litter. Uncle Shiloh, the pack leader, was great too with perhaps the least convincing bit of deceit that you’ll ever see at the end.

This film won’t last long in the memory but it is a well made and reasonably exciting yarn which although lacking sex, danger or violence has a decent streak of malevolence running through it. The outcome is never in doubt but it’s a short and pretty satisfying desert yomp to get there.

Best Bit : Shoot out finale

‘W’ Rating : 15/23

No. 128 : Windtalkers (2002)

Windtalkers at the IMDb

Nicolas Cage stars in this factual World War Two drama directed by action supremeo John Woo. The film opens with a young Navajo Indian leaving his family in Arizona to enlist in the war effort. Meanwhile Cage’s division is having a hard time in the Solomon Islands with he the sole survivor. As he slowly rehabilitates back on base with the aid of a friendly nurse, the Indian goes through his training. A new unbreakable code has been developed using the Navajo language with these new ‘code talkers’ a prize asset for the Americans and target for the Japs.

Cage is charged with looking after his code talker and secretly told that he cannot allow his man to be taken alive. Cage has rushed his return to duty and has issues regarding the loss of his men. He is unhappy with his babysitting role and his relationship with his new charge gets off to a frosty start in a scene familiar to anyone who’s ever seen a cop movie. The guys are soon spearheading the assault on Japan with Cage’s damaged Sergeant enjoying the killing perhaps too much.

As you’d probably guess Cage’s distain for his charge starts to thaw when he sees the value and bravery of him in combat. His fellow babysitter Christian Slater meanwhile is getting on fine with his charge and they enjoy regular jam sessions on the mouth organ. The code talker plan comes under strain however when their base is attacked and Slater has to decide whether he can obey the order to kill his man rather than let the Japs capture him. Sadly Slater loses his head over the incident and Cage his mind as he has to make a deadly, and messy, choice.

As the conquest of the island of Taipei nears it’s conclusion the Japs wheel out the big guns and our men are caught under fire. Will the tensions between the men prevent them winning the day and can the anguished Cage find redemption?

This is an enjoyable film but doesn’t quite tick all the boxes needed to award it ‘classic’ status. The battle scenes are well handled and epic in their scale but some of the skirmishes have an overly choreographed look about them. The chaos of a murderous battle isn’t really conveyed when our man bashes a few Japs does a diving roll to shoot another before springing up to knife another. The violence isn’t of the gratuitous nature, well is you discount Slater’s head at any rate.

What annoyed me was the lack of focus on the code talker angle. The set up for the film makes you think this will save the day but sometimes our man just gets on the horn and yells for covering fire. Other time the elaborate code is used through various relays to give the coordinates of Jap positions - why bother with the code? - the Japs know where they are.

The main flaw of the film is the lack of invention and surprises. We know Cage is troubled and need to be redeemed, we know he has to shoot his man if he’s in danger and we know the native will have trouble with the red neck element of the unit. What follows are a series of predictable scenes where each of the set ups come off and are resolved as you’d imagine. I’m not saying they should have thrown in some aliens or anything but ultimately the journey from A to B to C could have been mixed up somewhat.

The decent supporting cast which includes Mark Ruffalo and the ever dependable Peter Stormare are all good in underwritten roles but I could have done without Slater’s nice guy who toots his mouthie before heading off.

Although I enjoyed the film it could have been so much better and it’s a pity that the code talking that the plot hangs on seemed to be included as an afterthought.

Best Bit : Big fight at the end
‘W’ Score 15/23

No. 127 : Wild Things (1998)

Wild Things at the IMDb

Here’s a saucy number that you’ve probably seen but I feel these things are best examined closely. For the subtle nuances in the detective case you understand, not the lithe young bodies sweatily gyrating around. Hardly noticed that at all.

The film is set at a Florida school and sees Matt Dillon’s PE teacher rather unwisely allow Denise Richards to wash his jeep. We don’t see what goes on but she cries rape and the case is investigated by Kevin Bacon’s cynical detective. The case looks shaky until skuzzy local Neve Campbell says he raped her too and even used the same dirty talk - how lazy is that?!

As Richards’ family are local royalty the case is high profile but it all goes awry when under cross examination from Bill Murray’s sleazy lawyer, Campbell breaks down and admits it was all a set up. Clearly wronged Dillon gets a massive pay off from Richards’ family but far from being over the shocks and bodies come thick and fast as layer upon layer of conspiracy is revealed and pretty soon we’ve no idea who’s doing what to whom and for what.

This plot summary is only a brief recap as any more would spoil a few surprises, most of which I’d forgotten since my last viewing which must have been a decade ago. In truth some of the twists are ridiculous and the planning and timing necessary to pull off some of the schemes would have NASA’s computer buzzing for weeks. The scheme isn’t really the thing of course and when you have various combinations of sexy young people getting it on it seems churlish even to mention it.

The film maintains a fast pace and despite a few incredulous moments I was happy to stay the course through wrong foot after misdirection. The excellent cast keep a straight face throughout and I imagine Dillon asked how much he’d have to pay to secure the role. I liked Theresa Russell as the slutty Mom and she was ably assisted with Robert ’Number Two’ Wagner as her attorney. I also liked Denise Richards who can deliver a ’Fuck Off’ like no one else and Campbell was fine despite being a bit shyer than the others.

The film also has a nice touch during the credits where we get a few unseen scenes from the film which demonstrate how things actually went down behind closed doors.

Given the fate of most of the cast it is a surprise that this film spawned two sequels which no doubt maintained the successful recipe of sex and violence. As a detective tale it’s a bit daft but as a sexy thriller with a few laughs it can’t be knockers. Er, knocked.

Best Bit : Hotel Reunion
‘W’ Rating : 16/23

No. 126 : Wrongfully Accused (1998)

Wrongfully Accused at the IMDb

This film's uninspiring moniker kept it off my radar somewhat and it was only after half an hour that I managed to convince myself I hadn’t seen it before. Familiarity can be a problem with films like this as you can get confused between the parody and the films that it lampoons - especially if the laughs are so thin that you have to check that you are indeed watching the comedy version.

What you have is a slapstick parody of adventure films in the vein of ‘Spy Hard’ and ‘Airplane’. Unfortunately the chosen genre is somewhat vague to you get films like ‘Field of Dreams’ getting a nod along side ‘Braveheart’. Being a movie fan I think I got most of them but some were so obscure and fleeting you have to wonder if they were intentional or if someone in a baseball uniform walking into some corn counts as a parody, homage or free usage of the costume box.

The film roughly follows the plot of ‘The Fugitive’ with ancient white haired gag man Leslie Neilson taking on the Harrison Ford role. He is a successful violinist and is framed for the murder of Michael York who seems to be doing his Basil Exposition routine again. Neilson, who is having an affair with the victim’s wife, is caught at the murder scene after being knocked out by a one armed, legged and eyed assassin.

After a speedy trial he manages to escape when the train transporting him crashes. He gets away and there is a funny sequence where the train keeps chasing him through the woods. Alas this is one of the few giggles and the remainder of the film concerns Neilson’s attempts to clear his name while trying to cram in as many movie references as possible, whether they are relevant and funny or not.

Films like this were well by their sell by date even in 1998 when this was made. Of course they are still churned out with crap like ‘Superhero Movie’ still doing the business. I tittered perhaps twice throughout a number easily surpassed by the cringe worthy moments where a ‘clever’ movie parody was effortlessly slotted in - crop duster plane from ‘North By North West’ anyone? Thought not.

As mentioned the references were all over the place with ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ seemingly fitting the title’s broad remit as well as ‘Clear and Present Danger’. The laughs expected here are ones of familiarity, because nothing is added to liven things up. It’s basically - 'look what we did, that’s from another film you know’.

Most of the comedy from the film was of the low brow variety with people kicked in the nuts and banged on the head on a regular basis. We also get numerous prop gags and familiar sexual situations gone wrong such as Neilson writhing with pleasure as a lady goes down on him only for her to tie his shoe laces. It’s clearly aimed at a juvenile audience and that kinda makes most of the movie references redundant. You could argue it’s for all the family but only if your family are a bunch of morons.

The cast are pretty dreadful with Neilson doing his now routine deadpan idiot shtick while those around him get bashed about Laurel and hardy style. It is a mercifully short 80 minutes or so and although you will see more offensive or poorly made stuff, you’d need to go a long way to see anything less funny or more pointless.

Best Bit : Stalker Train
‘W’ Score : 7/23