No.312 : Water (2019)

Water (2109) at the IMDb

You know your picture isn’t going to be of the best quality when the best credit you can find for any of the cast is something called ‘Atomic Shark’ which has a shark with a nuke on its back for the poster. In fact most of the cast don’t even have their photo on IMDb which is probably explained by the fact that none of them appear to be actors.

We open with a man getting frisky on a lounger by the pool with his lady friend at night. She asks him about leaving his wife and fortunately she can ask her herself as she’s just come home. The wife has rushed home with news of her pregnancy but when she sees the sexy goings on she grabs a knife and goes on the rampage. There is a quick cut so we don’t know what happens but the wife ends up stabbed in the pool.

The girlfriend is quite happy with this turn of events and the pair chop up the body with an axe and burn the pieces. The man, Frank, decides he might as well go for the double and kills the girlfriend too. He calls in the cops and has enough influence as a top doctor to ally any suspicions. A year passes and Frank gets a call fro the insurance company - how would he like the wife’s $11m insurance payout? He celebrates with his new girlfriend in the pool but just as she’s getting down to earning her cut both she and Frank disappear into the water.

All the while, simpleton handyman Daryl is wandering about seeing things and talking to himself. He too gets a tickle in the pool but gets out after monetarily blacking out. Time passes and a real estate agent and his girlfriend take a midnight dip they soon regret before another family move in. This chap is an English movie producer and they move in after their adopted daughter is saved from drowning in the pool by a realtor. At least that’s what they think - we get an underwater shot of a mermaid like creature rescuing the girl.

The family sense something not right about the house - mostly water based things like the shower going cold and taps turning on. Maybe it’s haunted by the ghost of Super Mario? They try an exorcism but that’s a waste of time and we have to wonder who will get dragged into the pool next and what is behind this horror? Apart from the script, acting etc.

This was an awful film with the worst acting you’ll have ever seen, as long you missed ‘Albion Market’. The cast all crash each others lines and a lot of the script looks improvised, as characters trail off without finishing their…

There is plenty of sex to spice things up with the ladies of the cast looking like a job lot form some backstreet boob implant emporium. One lady takes her top off and her boob remains in the same flattened shape as her basque top. Breath out luv and it will pop straight back out.

I’m not sure of the pool’s motivation - it was a sort of moral guardian allowing only those not getting up to hanky panky to escape its watery tendrils. No one really notices the pool based issues, especially the police who keep telling people not to leave town and that’s it. The characters tend to avoid the pool later on but this is solved by the pool’s mystical ‘drag ‘em in feature’.

There was no effort at an explanation - maybe it used to be an ancient Indian burial pool? To be fair I did have a few laughs and the cast didn’t seem to be taking it that seriously so there’s no reason for the viewer to either. The film probably just hits the required level to be deemed ‘so rubbish it’s good'. But not that good.

Best Bit : The overacting albino priest doing an exorcism ‘W’ Rating 9/23

No.252 : Wendigo (2001)

Wendigo at the IMDb

A strange horror/monster/ghost story mash up now in this 2001 chiller. Patricia Clarkson stars along with the youngest out of ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ as well as an English actor I didn’t recognise but he was in the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ remake.

The film opens with the three family members heading for a weekend in the mountains. Gawd knows why as it’s freezing and the area is populated by hillbillies but maybe the Paisley Glynhill was fully booked. They don’t get far in their Volvo before a stag appears in the road and comes worst off in the collision. The deer was being stalked by some hunters and they aren’t happy that the antlers were damaged in the collision. The Dad manages to talk them off but we see that arch hillbilly,Otis, remains unimpressed.

At the lodge they find a window broken and a bullet embedded in the wall. Rather than run for the hills they settle down for the night where the Boy is troubled by visions of a hillbilly home invasion. The couple also get it on on the sofa unaware that they are being watched by Otis. So far so predictable but the titular Wendigo has yet to show up.

The next day in town they are buying curry ingredients so that Dad can continue with his racist impressions. The boy is confronted in the thrift store by a supposedly enigmatic Native American who gives him a small statue of a Wendigo and spouts off some mystical gubbins. When he shows it to his Mum the man is gone and the assistant makes them pay $4 for the model - the oldest scam in the book! As they set off the mysterious Indian appears again - no doubt off to spend his share of the four bucks.

Next day the father and son go sledging and Dad falls from the sled mid run. The boy heads back to him but is scared off by some snow flurries and what looks like a monster made out of twigs. After passing out he’s revived by Mum who is worried for the husband whom they eventually find in their driveway having crawled home. It turns out he’s been shot - possibly accidentally by stumbling into a rifle range but more likely deliberately by Otis who thinks their house is rightfully his.

The family make a desperate dash to the hospital while the police seek Otis - will the Wendigo show up again to save the day?

I quite enjoyed this film despite it’s thin plot and far fetched premise. There’s not a lot going on apart from the standard strangers vs. locals squabble with a tree/deer monster thrown in to add a bit of value.

From the off the boy character is a bit strange and I think they are trying for a bit a ‘The Shining’ vibe from him. He’s meant to be a bit complex and introverted, and perhaps more in tune with nature than most but he just comes across as a bit dull and slow. Clarkson does better as the Mum although a lot of her scenes involve her running about a bit upset.

The hillbillies were more fun but a bit stereotypical as was the Sheriff who failed to convince - he deserves a hammering for that performance!

The Wendigo itself was ill-defined despite the wise old Indian in the thrift shop banging on about its powers. It was funny to see its P.O.V. shot when chasing the boy as it consisted of only a few twigs stuck around the camera lens. Towards the end it turned into a two legged ferocious deer which was confirmed by the Indian saying it could shape shift - my guess was that the costume shop was late in its delivery.

There wasn’t a lot or horror or scares here but it was a decent effort with some nice snow covered locations and a scenario that stayed just the right side of outrageously silly.

Best Bit : Twig man’s gonna get you!
‘W’ Rating 17/23

No.244 : Watchers (1988)

Watchers at the IMDb

 If you are in the market for an 80’s monster film with big hair and a super intelligent dog then ‘Watchers’ may just be what you are looking for. It’s based on a book by Dean Koontz (at least I think that’s how he spells his name) and I’m guessing it is pretty far removed from the source material as no one does much watching nor are any of the protagonists called ‘watchers’. Still I watched it (worse luck) so let’s see what we saw.

The film stars a mulleted Corey Haim who has a BMX and a hot girlfriend. They get all kissy face in a barn but before you know it she’s been kidnapped and a large monster is on the prowl. We learn from Secret Service Agent Michael Ironside (hair loss at critical levels) that an experiment has escaped from a local lab and it is on a killing spree. It doesn’t like eyes or mirrors so you have to wonder if it is having a bad hair day itself. In fact it is looking for its fellow escapee, a super smart dog. Ironside also warns that there were three experiments at the lab!

The super smart dog shows up at Corey’s house and he christens it ‘Fur face’. The dog understands English and is soon fetching hot dogs, playing Scrabble and writing computer messages with a pencil in it’s mouth. Obviously these things are impossible with paws so fortunately its handiwork happens off camera. While Corey is bonding with the dog, partly by sleeping in the nude with it under his covers, the monster is on the rampage. Various bit parts get chomped and have their eyes removed in scenes a bit too graphic for a film with a smart dog and BMX interest.

Ironside realises that Corey is his best chance to catch up with the monster and dog and soon gets as brutal as the monster - are his ties to the lab more than he is letting on or did he just find the wig shop closed? As everyone converges on a remote shack the scene is set for a titanic battle where the real monster will be unmasked and the fires will be terrifying - well there is a lot of hairspray about.

This was a right old pile of crap but it was funny and dated enough to keep me watching. Not in an ironic way where I laughed at the hairstyles and bad acting…Ok in  exactly that way.

The feeble plot doesn’t have enough to sustain a 90 minute film so subplots and disposable characters are thrown in such as Jason Priestley’s BMX gang who are dispatched in merciless fashion by the monster who clearly had enough of their terribleness - at least Piggy almost made it. The monster itself was a slow reveal with hairy arms and the odd toothy yell all we were treated to. They should maybe have kept it ambiguous as the 'terrifying creature' turned out to be the same costume as the one from‘Bigfoot and the Hendersons’.

The acting, admittedly with terrible material, was shocking with Michael Ironside doing his best to be a hard as nails baddie whilst trying to stop dazzling us all with his bald head and spouting his menace free dialogue. At one point his partner says “This is pretty ridiculous, don’t you think?” Sir, you are correct!

Best Bit : Michael’s big reveal
‘W’ Rating 11/23