No.297 : Wingman Inc. (2015)

Wingman Inc. at the IMDb

The battle of the sexes is explored, or at least brushed over in this lacklustre, alleged comedy.

For some reason the titles have photos of the cast as children which then morph into their current, non-recognisable personas. Our hero Bobby is a dog psychiatrist which involves him talking to a dog on his sofa. He gets a call from his landlord seeking his rent and he announces to no one that he has loads of debts. He does have prospects however, in the shape of a night out with his friends and his plan to propose to his long term girlfriend.

The night out with the friends finishes early as he finds them both hook-ups, foreshadowing the rest of the film. Bobby is so nice and non-threatening he can convince women to cop off with his sleazy friends. His world falls apart however when his girlfriend rejects his proposal and leaves the restaurant with another man.

Sunk into depression we meet up with Bobby 3 months later on the sofa with his stoner flat mate. He has a comedy beard and his pals think he needs to get back out there - especially as they haven’t gotten laid in like three months. Meanwhile in reaction to sleazy men chatting up women in bars a lady has started a service designed to send men away, mainly by suggesting they have small dicks.

Bobby’s friends are happy to pay his rent if he finds them women and they convince him that setting up a Wingman business would be a better use of is time than being a doggie shrink. With two opposing businesses in view, Bobby and the lady inevitably meet when she brings her anxious dog for therapy. What will happen when they find out that they are at opposite ends of the dating spectrum and will the spark that is developing between them become something special?

This was a terrible cheap and nasty film that was well dated in its attitudes and set dressing. Clearly here was no budget at all with the ‘bar’ being a curtain, a poster and a couple of chairs. It looked like a student film in places and wasn’t helped by cack handed direction and editing.

There were no laughs at all with some of it downright offensive - women called lesbians for not falling at our mens’ feet for example. The men were all ass holes but the women were all nasty bitches too, so there was no one to root for.

The whole ‘Wingman’ premise was dubious with our hero basically being a whoremaster and pimp. The lead was as wet as an otter’s pocket and like a poor man’s Jim Halpert. I didn’t manage to spot one good performance, apart from the dog that managed to yawn on cue.

Overall this ‘comedy’ didn’t raise a smile and, as social commentary, you’d get a more balanced view from re runs of ‘The Benny Hill Show’. The ‘will they - won’t they?’ romance was plain tiresome and the ‘growth’ around emotional maturity and respecting others was just irritating.

At least the film closed with 'funny' outtakes running over the credits - Good of them to let us know that there was at least some footage not worthy of the final cut,

Best Bit - Taking the Library Books Back Late ‘W’ Rating 7/23

No.296 : Wounds (2019)

Wounds at the IMDb

I never seek out psychological horror movies as I like a bit more show than tell. A hoard of zombies running around whilst on fire is always more entertaining than someone suffering some inner torment. Still, Netflix offered this one up and rather than scroll through any more options, I thought I’d give it a go. It was actually quite good and certainly better than the 4/10 it had garnered on IMDb.

That’s not to say it’s not without its flaws, and if you asked me to nail down exactly went on, I’d be struggling. I’m sure that was the intent; have a discussion and a think about it - not everything in life arrives on a plate.

The always watchable Armie Hammer stars as a New Orleans barman who works in a rundown booze shop, complete with cockroaches and colourful customers. Naked patrons drink for free, but alas the only person taking up the offer is a massive lady who plays pool.

The bar goes from empty to manic in moments as a fight breaks out leaving one drunk local with a huge wound on his cheek. The rest of the customers clear out, including a table full of college kids. When clearing up Armie finds a phone and heads home to his partner, her out of ‘50 Shades’. He manages to crack the phone and immediately gets messages begging for help. He assumes it’s a prank but when he investigates further the next day, he finds photos of bloody murders.

He goes on his errands and looks in on the slashed customer who refuses treatment despite the wound looking infected. He also notices that he’s being tailed and when he checks the phone it turns into a big bug so he lobs it out of the window, where it’s retrieved by his stalkers. The police, understandably, can’t do much but 50 Shades is doing her own research. She gets transfixed by a big black hole on the internet (a familiar tale) and researches a book called ‘The Translation of Wounds’ that details creepy rites and portals.

The couple fall out after Armie tries it on with an old flame and accuses 50 Shades of having an affair. He tries to secure a bed at his wounded friend’s place whose cockroach problem is getting worse - but not to worry, the friend has a new phone and a present awaits!

I enjoyed the first hour of this film but it tapered off at the end as Armie started to be overtaken by his demons and the story unfolded. There was no identifiable bad guy with the college kids only being seen at the start. I get that they opened the portal and the evil within was looking for a new host, but against the grubby New Orleans background it all seemed a bit fantastical and unlikely.

The opening scenes in the bar were enjoyable with the build up to the melee well done, as each participant was introduced. Armie and his partner didn’t seem a good match and their constant bickering was a pain. I did like the feel of malaise that permeated throughout, with the odd cockroach soon growing to a full on infestation - and more.

The idea of college kids raising an evil spirit was as old as the hills but at least they changed the formula somewhat with a kind-hearted bar tender getting dragged in due to his good deed.

The end scene was disturbing and although what went on was open to interpretation, I don’t think Armie is going to make happy hour. Decent entertainment was had, but if this were a bit clearer and not so contrived I think this could have been a winner.

Best Bit : Bit of a Bug Problem ‘W’ Rating 16/23

No.295 : When the Bough Breaks (2016)

When the Bough Breaks at the IMDb

A kinda prequel to ‘The Hand That Rocks the Cradle’ now - it’s not the nanny who is a mentalist - it’s the surrogate mother.

John and Laura are a rich black couple who have it all - except a baby. They have suffered several miscarriages and are on the lookout for a surrogate. They receive a video from Anna who seems too good to be true - and of course she is.

The couple invite Anna over with her boyfriend, Juice out of ‘Sons of Anarchy, and they like her but dislike him. We know he’s a controlling asshole, who's only in it for the money. Our couple are desperate however, and are down to their last viable embryo, so they go ahead with the surrogacy.

Things start to look somewhat dubious when Anna gets beaten up by Juice and then shows up at John’s office after sending him sexy videos. She moves in and lawyer John warns Juice off, safe in the knowledge that he is due to be deployed in the Middle east and out of their hair.

John was however discharged and Anna is still seeing him and listening to his plans of fleecing our couple for as much as possible. We get a wrong foot however, when Juice checks out and Anna goes full on psycho. She has fallen for John and wants him for herself. John isn’t so keen but is mindful that Anna is carrying their baby.

Will the baby be born and who will take custody? Is Anna full on mental or just a bit hormonal?

I didn’t mind this film too much despite not having an interest in any of the themes. It was less good than similar BBC drama ‘The Nest’ but followed the same lines. Indeed, I would be surprised if ‘The Nest’ writer hadn’t researched this film before coming up with their plot.

The two principals were good as the desperate couple, although the wife was that annoying in that strong and always right way. Morris Chestnut as John was better and you could almost hear his inner turmoil as the young surrogate tried to seduce him. Less good was Omar off ‘The Wire’ who phoned in a performance as John’s fixer.

The initial villain Juice was terrible and a real pantomime bad guy, complete with ominous musical cues every time he appeared. It was a neat twist to have him exit stage left after an hour and leave Anna with all the psycho duties. I didn’t really buy her as the girl from the wrong side of the tracks, but she looked very nice in her skimpies so we’ll let that pass.

The conclusion was a bit extreme and I’d be surprised if adoption is granted in such circumstances! The film was however well made, with good pacing and enough to keep me engaged throughout.

Best Bit : Midnight swim - 'W' Rating 16/23

No.294 : Wishmaster (1997)

Wishmaster at the IMDb

‘W’ Movie royalty now as we look at the first of this franchise that spawned three sequels, all full of ‘W’ goodness. The no sequels policy remains however, so this is your only chance to have your wish of a great review realised - and dashed.

This popped up as a recommended offering on Netflix - the algorithm clearly has my number as it was exactly the kind of schlocky horror nonsense that I lap up.

We open in 12th century Persia with a voice over, and a day out for the special effects department. There is a lot of waffle about the granting of wishes and the demons that are being set free. Meanwhile someone is crafting a large opal - looks like a ruby to me. After lots of moulding and baking the jewel is revealed - already fully cut. Well it is magic. The carnage going on outside ends as the evil Djinn (basically a Genie) is trapped within the gem stone. There were a few decent kills in this sequence, and I liked the stop motion skeleton pushing its way out of a body the most.

We cut to the present day and Freddie Kruger, in the shape of a rich antiquities buyer, is awaiting the delivery of his new statue down by the docks. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it. The Irish crane operator takes a drink and when a demonic voice gives him a fright he drops the box onto Freddie’s hapless assistant. In the debris the gem stone from the last paragraph spills out and is grabbed by a longshoreman who sells it to a pawnbroker.

Everyone is taken with the stone initially, but less so when it explodes during analysis and frees the evil Wishmaster. Our heroine, Alex, has been researching the stone and catches the attention of the wish offering miscreant. For reasons that are inexplicable, apart from driving the plot, the Wishmaster can offer up single wishes to people to charge up his powers. Once he has enough of these he then needs to have his target, Alex, ask for three wishes and on granting the third he can rule the world or something. No idea who made up these rules.

We get a good half hour of the Wishmaster offering up wishes - but beware! He’s a real bastard. One lady wishes to be beautiful forever and gets turned into a mannequin whilst another asks for a million bucks before it cuts to his mother buying life insurance just before dying in a plane crash. The point is clear - be sure of your wording and don’t get suckered because this guy basically does what he likes under the pretence of granting wishes.

In his human form the Wishmaster tracks Alex to a society party - will she ask the required number of wishes? and how will she turn the tables on the bad guy, as we know she surely will?

This film was a lot of fun and didn’t take itself seriously in the slightest. The effects varied in quality from the Wishmaster’s rubber face to some pretty impressive statues that came to life. The violence was so over the top you’d do well to be scared or shocked, and it was basically played for laughs with the demonic Wishmaster offering zingers at every turn.

Some of the wordplay was well done, with the Wishmaster’s interpretations being somewhat broad - Candyman said he’d like to escape from his job and got stuck in a big tank of water Houdini style - you didn’t ask for that! - get your money back!

Tammy Lauren was a bit wooden in the lead, but to be fair her job was simply to direct us from one special effect to another. The film was produced by Wes Craven and you could see the influence of his ‘Freddie’ films throughout - dark laughs and grisly kills galore.

I doubt I’ll look up the sequels but this one was great fun and well worth a look if you like your wordplay garnished with buckets of gore.

Best Bit : Liven up this party!  ‘W’ Rating  18/23

No.293 : Where the Red Fern Grows (2003)

Where the Red Fern Grows at the IMDb

This is our fourth ‘where’ film in a row - where will it end? Right here actually, but that’s what you get for Googling one ‘W’ word for film inspiration.

This is a Disney remake of an 1974 adaptation of the classic children’s book which I’d never heard of, before now. It had the mildest peril on record but was enjoyable family fun with just a hint of Christian values creeping in.

The film opens with aged city dweller Kris Kristofferson breaking up a back street dog fight. In truth it is a bit of woofing, but one ends up with ketchup on its leg and is saved from a good licking by the kindly Kris. We get a bit of narration as Kris tells us it has been ages since he had a dog. I hadn’t asked, but thanks for the update Kris.

We dissolve back to the Ozarks in 1933 when Kris was a young lad called Billy Coleman. Billy is of hillbilly stock and doesn’t wear shoes. He’s mad keen to get a pair of dogs so he can hunt raccoons, which are sought after for their coats which go for a high price back east.

Two local bad kids buy a choice pup that Billy had his eye on for $35. We know they are bad as they have money, slicked down hair and slag Billy for not having a dog. Billy moans to his shopkeeper grandfather who tells him that God will give him dogs but he needs to be met halfway. They never covered the dog distribution rules in my Sunday school class! Billy saves up the required $50 in double quick time, thanks to a ‘chores’ montage.

He walks the 12 miles to pick up the dogs and endures mild peril in the shape of some schoolyard bullies who slag off his bare feet. He soon makes it home and another montage sees the dogs get trained and grow to full size. More mild peril is overcome and soon Billy is at the district coon hunting championships. Can he win the day and the prize money that would allow the family to move to civilisation in Tulsa? What has the legend of the red fern, which grows between two graves, have to do with Billy and his two dogs? Eeeek!

I quite liked this mild and danger free offering. It was so damn nice you couldn’t help but enjoy it. I wasn’t so keen on the raccoon hunts with dozens of the critters chased up trees and skinned off camera. They do have the ‘no animals were harmed’ sign at the end but they can’t have enjoyed being chased all over the shop. I was glad at the end when the dogs were confronted by a mountain lion - not the tough guys now are we?!

There were a couple of familiar faces in Ned Beattie’s nice sheriff and Dabney Coleman’s even nicer shopkeeper. The only baddies were quickly seen off in what was quite a brutal manner. Don’t slag off my lack of dogs or you’ll die in a hatchet accident!

The Christian elements did permeate throughout, with songs about the lord and pleas to God that were answered. That’s all fine, but I do prefer my family schmaltz secular thanks very much Mr Disney.

If you like dogs, and don’t mind them dying at the end, then this could be the film you’ve been waiting for.

Best Bit : Nasty Kid Gets Axed  ‘W’ Rating 14/23

No.292 : Where Hands Touch (2018)

Where Hands Touch at the IMDb

Off to WW2 now in this two hour tale of genocide and racism, depicted by some thinly drawn characters in some unlikely scenarios.

The film opens with a caption reading ‘Inspired by historical events’ which lets you know it didn’t happen in the manner depicted. That’s OK, as it’s not billed as a documentary and to get in a lot of the story the writer wanted to tell you have to suspend disbelief somewhat and forgive the many unlikely coincidences.

A voice-over at the start tells us of ‘The Rhineland Bastards’ children born to Arian German women to black husbands, These bi-racial kids are an embarrassment to Hitler’s plans for genetic purity and he makes life as hard as possible for them.

One such child is Leyna, whose father was a Senegalese fighting for the French. He’s no longer on the scene and Leyna lives with her mother and white younger brother. Virtually everyone is horrible to Leyna apart from the baker who later gets shot in the crotch for his troubles. Leyna gets booted out of her school and sent to work in the factory, along side her mother.

She meets a Hitler Youth, Lutz, who is the only nice Nazi we meet. Lutz’ dad, The Ninth Doctor, is trying to sit out the war despite being a high ranking Nazi. He encourages his son to do the same but the boy is keen to fight. This doesn’t marry well with his racial tolerance and frankly his ideals are all over the shop.

After an hour of abuse Leyna’s mother gets taken to the camps and Leyna follows soon after. At the camp Leyna discovers she’s pregnant to Lutz, but as luck would have it Lutz is posted to the very same camp. As the war nears its end, Leyna’s pregnancy begins to show. Can Lutz protect her and who will protect him?

This was a good effort on a worthy subject, and it’s hard to criticise such brave intentions. But here goes. I felt the film relied a lot on coincidence. Everybody appeared where they needed to be and even after a slightly shocking ending, emboldened by some radical character shifts, another unlikely reunion in the smallest camp you’ll ever see, just made it seem less real and for crowd pleasing effect only.

The Germans were broadly drawn with Leyna getting abused every time she walked down the street. With the war at its peak it seemed strange that random soldiers were allowed to stand outside the factories just grabbing random workers - don’t you want these shells made? Abbie Cornish was great as the Mum and nailed the accent. Amandla Stenberg was less convincing in the main role of Leyna and I never felt the principals were believable as a family.

The Ninth Doctor was all over the place as the nice Nazi who goes mental at the end. Probably his Lancashire accent that did for him. The locations and costumes were good as was the concentration camp set. Not in the ‘Schindler’s List’ ball park but still believable and garnished by some pretty brutal murders.

Tonally it was a bit of a mess with characters professing love and then being right shits - even the saintly Leyna, who grasses up an escapee two minutes before being caught herself. Desperate measures for desperate times or just a nasty bit of work?

It was a quick two hours and I enjoyed it for the most part. The suspension of disbelief was a necessity as was the acceptance of some scene chewing acting, but overall this was an informative and powerful film that delivered a war time message that still resonates today.

Best Bit : Look at my Jazz mags  'W' Rating 16/23

No.291 : Where Hope Grows (2014)

Where Hope Grows at the IMDb

Calvin is a former baseball player who froze up when he made the big leagues and started drinking. He has issues with his daughter and a rudderless existence. Don’t worry Calvin - some redemption is in the post.

Calvin strikes up a friendship with Produce a young man with Down’s syndrome, named after the section of the supermarket in which he works. Lucky he wasn’t put in charge of panty liners. Produce is positive and knowledgeable but unable to attain his dream of being ‘Employee of the Month’. His nasty bass calls him a retard and is later chastised by Calvin who tells the black gentlemen that ‘We don’t use the ‘R’ word, the same as we don’t use the ‘N’ word’. Sounded a bit threatening to be honest.

Produce sings in a gospel choir and it was when this was revealed that the fear overtook me - is this a Christian film that I had stumbled onto by mistake? At first it wasn’t overly overt but after an hour there was a long discussion about praying, and I realised I’d been suckered in - Hallelujah! The answer to that question was that God wasn’t a genie who granted wishes so you might not get what you want. Sounds like you’d get the same deal by not praying at all!

Anyway Calvin, inspired by Produce, manages to kick the booze and applies for a job at a local baseball team. Perils abound however, as Produce is being bullied by Calvin’s daughter’s dickish boyfriend, Colt. Colt was also a bit busy with his hands with the daughter in scenes reminiscent of an after school special, only to be told ‘My dad was right about you’ before she leaves. It does ramp up later on however, with an attempted rape at the Laser-Tag; but we were never in doubt about how the day would be saved.

Calvin manages to stay sober but his friend Milton still drinks - and drives. Remember that for later.

After the laser tag fumble a misunderstanding sends Produce away in the huff. With everyone searching who will find him and what tragedy will befall our hapless cast? Can Calvin stay sober and will Produce get the accolade he really wants?

This is the kind of film they’d show you if the Sunday School teacher was ill. There was the mildest of peril, good advice and a strong dose of Ned Flanders type vitamin church.

The redemption of Calvin was never in doubt and they went down that tired old route of learning from an innocent. In that role David DeSanctis did well although the whole thing was just a bit too nice and twee for my liking.

I didn’t like Calvin much who seemed a bit of a dick berating the manager over his choice of ‘Employee of the Month’ - yeah you know best you pisshead! The climatic fallout was poorly managed, especially by the daughter who says ‘Produce hit Colt and it’s bad’ rather than ‘Colt tried to rape me and Produce decked him’ which would have prevented any issues.

The closing scenes, where we’re led to believe one character had died before the big reveal that it was another were laughable - if anyone bought that I have some magic beans available at a reasonable price.

Not one for me, but if you like some feel good stuff and a dose of Godliness this could be for you.

Best Bit : There‘s been a rape up there!   ‘W’ Rating 12/23