No.321 : When the Bough Breaks (1994)

When the Bough Breaks (1994) at the IMDb

We recently watched another ‘When the Bough Breaks and this 1994 version safely occupies the coveted ‘2nd Best ‘When the Bough Breaks’ award’ berth. Indeed if we find the 1947 version I can see this one moving into the bronze medal slot.

This and the 2016 version share only a title, with this effort being a detective thriller that makes no sense, and has no thrills whatsoever.

The film opens with a caption telling us we’re in Texas and it’s the 4th of July - regular captions chart the date as we head towards the 16th which is soon given some significance. Despite it pissing down road workers are digging a hole and teens are partying in the streets, but their endeavours are cut short when a pair of hands is discovered, flushed out of a drain. Cowboy hat wearing sheriff Martin Sheen is puzzled and can’t even offer a witty pun along the lines of ‘need a hand’ or ‘check out the second hand store’.

Instead he calls in FBI profiler Audrey (Ally Walker) who looks like she’s facing a chauvinistic department at first, but everyone turns out to be really helpful. She has Gillian Anderson’s hair off ‘The X-Files’ and as character traits she smokes a lot and is claustrophobic. She also has scars on her back for reasons that were unexplained. It may have been that they were laying character points for future sequels but happily those amounted to one straight to video offering only.

It seems that Audrey is the only one doing any work and she quickly establishes that a pair of numbered hands shows up every year and suspects a serial killer. Let’s hope so, or else a lot of villains must be getting handy. With some proto-internet skills she manages to identify a lot of the victims and soon tracks down a young mental patient who draws numbered hands on his walls. Gotta be a clue there surely? The boy chooses to be a mute, so slowly Audrey manages to get him out of his shell and the case starts to come into focus.

With July 16th approaching, and a girl already abducted, can Audrey solve the crime before another juggling career is destroyed for good?

This was an awful film that made no sense at all. The poster suggests a psychic element which isn’t covered in the film. It does turn out twins are involved but their psychic link is in full HD and never explored.

The detection was all over the place, including the uncovering of a red herring paedophile who drove about in an ice cream van wearing clown make up. Creepy as that sounds there was in fact loads of them working for a franchise. There must be a whole Texan generation of kids with an ice cream phobia! This was so ridiculous it was funny, with a flashback showing a child snared by a ‘free ice cream’ sign.

Despite his prominent poster presence Sheen does very little with all the work done by the dull and unengaging Ally Walker. I think she was let down in the edit however, as all her character’s quirks go nowhere and her breakthroughs were random and illogical.

I knew who the baddie was going to be early on as Ron Perlman was listed as appearing but didn’t show up until 70 minutes! His scenes were dreadful as was the whole finale which was lifted wholesale from ‘The Silence of the Lambs’.

You could argue it was left to the viewer to fill in the blanks, but that would just excuse glaring plot holes and bad writing. Having the mute ‘boy’ played by an obvious girl was a mistake especially as she looked like a young Justin Bieber - why not just use real twins or indeed have the twins be the same sex?

Anyway, I won’t waste any more time looking for nits and plot holes as it’s clear that the production didn’t bother, so why should I?

Te film was unintentionally funny in places, but overall this was just an incoherent mess.

Best Bit : Clown Face Ice Cream - ‘W’ Rating 6/23

No.320 : What About Dick? (2012)

What About Dick? at the IMDb

I chanced upon this one on Netflix and thought I’d unearthed a gem given the stellar cast, but alas it was a rough in the rough.

The film is a live performance in the style of a 1940’s radio play complete with a man making all the special effects noises. A partisan L.A. audience laps it up but I didn’t laugh at all, at the puerile humour which is usually my thing.

Eric Idle wrote and starred in the film and plays a piano which charts the decline of the British Empire. He’s not a piano, but wears a piano key tie so that we remember he is the constant who relates and narrates the story whilst the cast ham it up as various characters.

The plot is wafer thin and serves only to get a few songs in as well as barrels of innuendo and funny voices. Tracey Ullman was probably the best value doing good voice work and clearly getting into the spirit of things. You also get Jane Leeves and Big Suze as a pair of sisters and Russell Brand as the titular Dick who manages to make the part his own, in his usual style.

You also get Eddie Izzard as an Indian manufacturer of rubber dildos and Billy Connolly as a police inspector cum private eye who has a lisping voice that he at least finds very funny. You also get Tim Curry and Jim Piddock who mostly just do funny voices and patch the whole thing together.

A couple of the songs were decent but the whole thing just seemed awfully lazy with characters called ‘Bastard’ and Dickhead’ for example. There were also old jokes on parade with the Indian Regiment called ‘The First Foot & Mouth’ © ‘Carry on up the Khyber’ and someone saying ‘I opened the door in my pyjamas - why was there a door in my pyjamas?’ - yawn.

The runtime of 80 minutes may seem short but it does drag on once you get an idea of the humour and writing on show. It’s a great cast who are clearly enjoying themselves; it’s just a shame they didn’t invite the viewer along.

Brand and Connolly were unintelligible in places and you have to wonder what the American audience made of them. Funny eccentrics I guess, but I was cringing at the mirth free and faintly embarrassing wacky antics on show.

It may have been a good night out after a few beers but as a Netflix offering it fell flat with a lot of the seemingly period humour already dated - Berlesconi ‘bunga bunga’ references anyone? Actually it would probably have been painful to see live as a lot of transitions were added in to show flashbacks as well as caption cards, which suggested the whole thing was edited down to afford the audience at home a small measure of mercy.

For me this was a self indulgent and unfunny mess that offered no laughs, but if you want to see some of your favourite comedians ham it up, fill your boots. You’ll just never convince me that saying ‘dick’ as a euphemism for ‘penis’ 200 times qualifies as entertainment.

Best Bit : Not Russell Brand’s Dick ‘W’ Rating  8/23

No.319 : White Girl (2016)

White Girl (2016) at the IMDb

A down and dirty slice of New York life now as we see what happens when you run about with drug dealers and party a bit too hard.

Morgan Saylor stars as Leah, a young student moving into an apartment in the seedy end of town with her slightly more prim roommate. Leah likes to party and is soon hanging around with the youths from her street corner in the hope of scoring some drugs off them. She makes a connection with Blue and soon answers her own question ’What sort of girl do you think I am’ by banging him on the apartment roof.

We know she’s a bit of a girl as she’s already been blowing her boss, Doug off ‘The Hanover’ films, for some lines of coke. She brings Blue to her office party and he realises that Leah’s middle class colleagues will pay $60 for the coke he is used to selling for $20. This suggests to him that this is a great market to exploit and he gets a load of cocaine on credit to service his new customers. Huge mistake. He is immediately busted, although Leah takes possession of the drugs.

She tries to get her man out of the clink but doesn’t have the money to pay for a lawyer. No worries, she can just become a drug dealer herself and get involved in a lot of seedy activities under the pretence of helping her banged up beau. The lawyer she engages does good work but is also a creepy rapist. Eventually he gets Blue out and the happy couple are reunited. Will they have a happy ending or are they destined to be forever apart?

This was a grim and nasty film that actually raised a few laughs with its levels of depravity. Leah was an absolutely toxic character and it was hard to care as she sniffed and blew her way through the film. There was a fun sequence where she gets the money to pay the lawyer and the dealer through dealing and a happy ending is offered - no chance - some tawdry action and a few spews later and she’s wondering what happened to her money and what’s that in my knickers?

The obvious theme here was a clash of cultures with the free spirited and middle class Leah getting down with the boys from the ghetto. She was obviously naive and despite the filmmaker trying to add in a love story and a few virtuous acts it was just horrible as Leah and her quickly corrupted room mate, went quickly to the bottom.

I did like how all the men were despicable and only after one thing - to be fair Leah was offering it on a plate to most of them, apart from the lawyer who took what he wanted and had the cheek to present a big bill too.

The closing scenes in which Blue was released were through the fingers stuff, with the couple enjoying about two minutes of happiness before the inevitable miserable ending played out.

Morgan Saylor was excellent in the lead and must have saved the costume department a fortune as she rarely had a stitch on. The sleazy boss and lawyer were basically 'boo hiss' sleazebags and the street kids were leftover Fring employees from ‘Breaking Bad’.

The film will probably be heralded as a brave slice of life, but if it’s an accurate portrayal of college kids’ lives we’re all doomed. To be fair Leah’s summer of excitement was offset by her bland existence at the end and, you have to hope that she realises that she got off lightly in her flirtations with the dark side of life.

Best Bit : I’ve got a pound of coke and need $20,000 - Party!  ‘W’ Rating 18/23

No.318 : What’s Your Number? (2011)

What's Your Number? at the IMDb

‘Chick Flick’ is such a pejorative term - surely a film can be about the issues women face in modern society and not be tarnished with a brush that says it’s a vapid and nonsensical foray into female wish fulfilment? This chick flick stars Anna Faris and is really terrible, but you will get yourself a few guilty laughs as well as seeing the lead jump around in her underwear if you sign up.

Anna plays ‘Ally’ a 30 something single girl in Boston who works in marketing and likes to make models of people as a hobby. She lives across the hall from womaniser Chris Evans, and there is no way at all that they will get together. Anna’s sister is due to be married and Anna decides to take stock of her life. She has just lost her job, having been sacked by finger smelling Joel McHale who stretches himself in the role of 'douche bag boss' - See ‘Ted’ for the same.

Anna reads a magazine article that says the average woman has slept with 10.5 men, with Anna’s tally amounting to 19. A friend tells her that women who have slept with 20 never get married due to their lack of commitment and because they are big sluts. She decides that her next lover will be her last, but this resolve doesn’t last the night when she wakes up having slept with McHale. He is dumped due to the previously mentioned finger smelling, and Anna decodes that she’ll have to find her life partner amongst the 19 other guys she has slept with.

She enlists the help of Evans who agrees to help her with the tracing of the men in exchange for Anna allowing him to use her apartment to hide from women he is avoiding. Anna then works through the list, with all previous boyfriends coming up short - but what about Evans? He’s nice and the two are getting closer whilst working on the ridiculous project of stalking men.

With Anna’s sister’s wedding coming up will she find her true love?

Tuesday following Monday offers more surprises than this rom-com, but I guess if you have the girls round and a crate of Prosecco on hand you won’t complain. The unlikely nature of the quest did allow for a few funny cameos with Chris Pratt and Tim from 'The Office' both livening up proceedings. You also got Falcon off ‘The Avengers’ who turned out to be gay, just as he was in ‘Black Mirror’ and Ed Begley Jnr as the estranged Dad who showed up in time to hand out some sage advice.

As soon as Evans appeared without his shirt on you knew he was the one and when we saw Anna tart her self up before her latest lover woke up we knew she has self worth issues to be addressed. Her journey, as it was, was peppered with pratfalls and dirty chat which would no doubt entertain the target audience. I thought it was a bit light, but as frothy throwaway fun with plenty of famous faces, it was worth the 2 hour’s of commitment that it demanded.

Faris was pretty much her usual self but looked good in her boy pants and didn’t mind the plenty of jibes that her slutty character rightly received. There wasn’t much in the way of moral judgement here, with the only redemption being to believe in oneself and to get off with the even sluttier neighbour because he believes in you.

Not one you’ll remember tomorrow but decent fun, with pretty people all having a good time.

Best Bit : basketball Play Off  ‘W’ Rating 15/23

No.317 : Wild Card (2015)

Wild Card at the IMDb

Woeful pun title action next as Jason Statham stars as card player Nick Wild - he’s the original ‘wild card’. Worthy of Troy McClure that one.

Nick, who was probably predestined to be a Vegas gambler with that name, doubles as a body guard and hired muscle. The film opens with him acting like an prick in a bar and getting handed his ass by a baldy man trying to get off with a showgirl. Of course we guess the truth - Nick is taking a beating to make his client look good in true ‘Men Behaving Badly’ style.

All is not lovely in Vegas however as a girl is dumped outside a hospital, beaten and bloody. She’s a friend of Nick’s and wants revenge. Meanwhile Nick gets a job looking after software developer Benjamin off ‘Gentlemen Broncos’ and seeks advice from waitress Anne Heche. Nick finds out his friend’s assailant was a well connected mob guy who is best left alone, but after minimal convincing they head over to his suite to beat him up and steal his $50k.

They split the cash but Nick knows his card is marked. He is a terrible gambler but dreams of having a boat in Corsica and decides to try and gamble up his cash. A brief montage later he‘s up to $500k but after an episode at the cash out cage he decides to try for more and loses the lot.

With the gangsters moving in for the kill can Nick survive and live out his days in the sunny Mediterranean?

This was a decent action thriller with a cracking cast but it didn’t really go anywhere and was really just an excuse for Statham to beat people up in slow motion. He again demonstrates that his range is limited, playing Jason Statham once again. This one drives a cool car and drinks grapefruit juice so at least that’s slightly different.

Stanley Tucci showed up in one scene as a kind of mafia overlord and classed up the whole affair and it was good to see Anne Heche although she was wasted in a nothing part as a waitress. You also get George off Seinfeld in a go nowhere’ I’m available for one day only’ kind of part as a lawyer or something.

The action scenes were decent and played for laughs to some extent. The last big fight, where Nick takes on a pack of goons with only his diner cutlery set for weapons, was well done and brutally violent.

There was no deep delve into Nick’s motivation and Benjamin’s character was a total deus ex machina as he solves all Nick’s problems with a couple of lines and a magic envelope. It was decent fun however and a trim 90 minutes - just don’t expect to remember much about it in the days that follow your viewing.

Best Bit : Blackjack Montage ’W’ Rating 16/23

No.316 : Wolves (2018)

Wolves (2018) at the IMDb

Across both blogs we have watched a few Michael Shannon films recently. He is a top actor and always worth watching, so much so that I considered watching all his films as I have previously done for Michael Caine and Michael Fassbender. Could this be a Michael too far? The considered blog was to be called ‘Michael Shannon and on and on’. Ultimately I have decided against it for now, as I don’t have the time to re-watch all 60 odd hours of ‘Boardwalk Empire’, but stay tuned, if Lock-down 2 : The Sequel happens we could be on!

The ‘wolves’ of this film aren’t of the full moon variety, but the name of a high school basketball team. There's probably a metaphor in there too - 'wolves at the door', ' a pack of wolves', you get the idea. We follow the fortunes of their star player, Anthony, who dreams of a scholarship at Cornell University, where Andy out of ‘The Office’ went. His Dad, Michael Shannon, is an English professor at a poorly regarded college who is also struggling with his novel - Don't worry Mike, takes me ages to read one too. His mum is Carla Gugino who works in a clothes shop to make the family’s ends meet, having sacrificed her own ambitions.

The main spanner in the works is that Shannon is a gambler and not a very good one. We see him winning a $500 bet to clear his bar tab but as the stakes begin to rise his luck begins to falter.

Anthony’s team is doing well but his attempts to promote his friends in the starting line up nearly spells disaster. His coach relies on him but is also worried for his job. The Cornell coaches are impressed but does Anthony have the killer instinct?

Having made their way to the State finals the scene is set for Anthony and the Wolves to win the day, but a late injury may scupper his chances - and give his Dad a way out of his $200k gambling hole.

Although the son’s trials were the main focus of the film, I enjoyed the gambling subplot more, and wished the film had spent more time on this, despite Shannon’s uncharacteristic floppy hair. The gambling mentality was well observed with every small win nothing but an incentive to bet some more. It was kept vague as to whether Anthony’s injury, during a one on one game with his Dad, was deliberately inflicted but you could see opportunity knocking in Shannon’s mind as his son was ruled out of the big game. It was good that things in the final were never certain and his grimaces every time the home town team scored a point were fun and excruciating to watch.

The final scenes which saw a cavalcade of bookies and leg breakers show up at the game, a la Fat Tony in ‘The Simpsons’, before a final last gasp bid for glory were ridiculous, funny and exhilarating in equal measure.

Guglio as the long suffering mother and wife was good but I have no idea why she stuck with the hapless gambler. Taylor John Smith did well in the pivotal role as Anthony who had no troubles to seek, with a pregnant girlfriend and would be coaches on every corner. I also liked Chris Bauer, who you’ll know as the brothel manager on ‘The Deuce’, as Shannon’s erstwhile partner in crime.

I have seen similar films to this - ‘The Gambler’ with James Cann has a few obvious similarities for one - but there was enough new and interesting here to keep me engaged right down to the final buzzer.

Best Bit - 26 seconds left - start the uplifting music!  ‘W’ Rating 18/23